In March 2022 I was going through a breakup in a place I never chose to be in, I was in the Mexican town of Puerto Escondido, and if you ask anyone who’s been there, they’ll say it’s incredible. I felt guilty and ungrateful for not enjoying being there, it was the first time in my life that I felt like I didn’t need to exist in the world. That bleak feeling contrasting with the sea and sunsets made me feel like I couldn’t reach out to anyone. On Instagram, it looked like I was having a great time, but in reality, I was doubting my decision to quit my cushty marketing job, I was alone in a country where I didn’t know anyone, and my girlfriend had just cheated on me. I had no community and no purpose. I felt like I was in this ocean of endless directions and opportunity but I was treading water, one breath away from drowning. One night when I was particularly hurting, I stumbled across this Ted Talk. The message was, if you don’t have a sense of purpose or a sense of community, of course, you’ll feel depressed- I had neither. After hearing about the importance of community, I decided to take the plunge and reach out to my friends. In such a vulnerable position, I was terrified of rejection. Of course, they held me through it and pulled me up, I genuinely believe that my friends are my biggest privilege in life.

Over time, I managed to pick myself back up and seek help in every direction I knew how. A lady in the hostel I was staying at was a Reiki practitioner, I’d completed my level 1 Reiki course earlier this year so I was familiar with the practice. I sat for a one-hour session with her, which was really weird because she kept on burping and gagging. She told me it was a part of her practice and honestly at that point I was desperate enough to abide. It helped. She gave me some sort of rope of faith to grab onto, she told me to sit and nature and listen to my intuitions because my ear chakras were blocked or something. Idk. I listened to the advice and spent my days drifting in the water or just sitting in quiet places. I watched the way the leaves followed the wind and the way the little birds followed the big birds. If my ex hadn’t left me, I’d have moved to Australia with her. Is that what I wanted? I didn’t know but my body would feel off every time I thought about it. After a few days of watching birds and being really sad, it occurred to me that nothing in my life was how I wanted, I’d only done it because I’d been following the only stability in my life, my ex, who was obviously no longer my stability (lol). I don’t know why being in nature helped me come to this conclusion, maybe because to be mindful was to stop the voices in my head, and the voices in my head were always doubts. Without doubts, all I could do was feel. The quieter the thoughts were, the louder and more defined the feelings were. I felt really drawn to America. I’d always wanted to go there and it was the place that I was looking forward to the most on this trip (we planned to go there but I hadn’t booked my tickets yet).

The first moment in my life where I felt no doubts, I was skateboarding on Venice beach with like 50 other girls, there was music, there were bubbles, the sun was setting, it was MAGIC. Maybe it was a sign from the universe that I was on the right track, or maybe it was that when I chose to do things that make me happy, I’m happy. That moment felt so bright and vivid, not just because it was basically straight out of a movie. I’ve felt that same ‘rightness’ in other moments since then: when I make Tik Toks, when I took a course in futurism, when I was on a crypto residency in Texas, and now as I’m writing this. I feel like I’ve put myself into the right story, my external environment matches how I see the best version of myself internally. On some days like today, I feel so in tune with my body/ intuition/ VIBES that every word I write could either feel right or wrong. The more I’m on this path, the clearer the future path seems. I only try to do things now that feel like they’re a part of my story. It’s hard to trust the process but it’s harder to be in places that don’t feel right. I’m burning through my last 4 years of savings to be here and I want to say I’m not sure it’ll lead me to the right path, but everything in my gut is certain that this is what I need to be doing.

Real superpower comes from being on your right path- you have a built-in resilience to judgment. Everyone’s opinion is subjective, so when you’re on a path that you don’t doubt, you’re not susceptible to other people’s doubt either. My best friend Natasha shared a similar sentiment, she says, “If I do what I want to do and be who I want to be I can’t be anxious”.

I look at my life now and am really proud of myself. I’ve been planting new life seeds, a band, a business, travelling, volunteering, meeting new people, loving and learning and loving better.

In March 2022 I was going through a breakup in a place I never chose to be in, I was in the Mexican town of Puerto Escondido, and if you ask anyone who’s been there, they’ll say it’s incredible. I felt guilty and ungrateful for not enjoying being there, it was the first time in my life that I felt like I didn’t need to exist in the world. That bleak feeling contrasting with the sea and sunsets made me feel like I couldn’t reach out to anyone. On Instagram, it looked like I was having a great time, but in reality, I was doubting my decision to quit my cushty marketing job, I was alone in a country where I didn’t know anyone, and my girlfriend had just cheated on me. I had no community and no purpose. I felt like I was in this ocean of endless directions and opportunity but I was treading water, one breath away from drowning. One night when I was particularly hurting, I stumbled across this Ted Talk. The message was, if you don’t have a sense of purpose or a sense of community, of course, you’ll feel depressed- I had neither. After hearing about the importance of community, I decided to take the plunge and reach out to my friends. In such a vulnerable position, I was terrified of rejection. Of course, they held me through it and pulled me up, I genuinely believe that my friends are my biggest privilege in life.

Over time, I managed to pick myself back up and seek help in every direction I knew how. A lady in the hostel I was staying at was a Reiki practitioner, I’d completed my level 1 Reiki course earlier this year so I was familiar with the practice. I sat for a one-hour session with her, which was really weird because she kept on burping and gagging. She told me it was a part of her practice and honestly at that point I was desperate enough to abide. It helped. She gave me some sort of rope of faith to grab onto, she told me to sit and nature and listen to my intuitions because my ear chakras were blocked or something. Idk. I listened to the advice and spent my days drifting in the water or just sitting in quiet places. I watched the way the leaves followed the wind and the way the little birds followed the big birds. If my ex hadn’t left me, I’d have moved to Australia with her. Is that what I wanted? I didn’t know but my body would feel off every time I thought about it. After a few days of watching birds and being really sad, it occurred to me that nothing in my life was how I wanted, I’d only done it because I’d been following the only stability in my life, my ex, who was obviously no longer my stability (lol). I don’t know why being in nature helped me come to this conclusion, maybe because to be mindful was to stop the voices in my head, and the voices in my head were always doubts. Without doubts, all I could do was feel. The quieter the thoughts were, the louder and more defined the feelings were. I felt really drawn to America. I’d always wanted to go there and it was the place that I was looking forward to the most on this trip (we planned to go there but I hadn’t booked my tickets yet).

The first moment in my life where I felt no doubts, I was skateboarding on Venice beach with like 50 other girls, there was music, there were bubbles, the sun was setting, it was MAGIC. Maybe it was a sign from the universe that I was on the right track, or maybe it was that when I chose to do things that make me happy, I’m happy. That moment felt so bright and vivid, not just because it was basically straight out of a movie. I’ve felt that same ‘rightness’ in other moments since then: when I make Tik Toks, when I took a course in futurism, when I was on a crypto residency in Texas, and now as I’m writing this. I feel like I’ve put myself into the right story, my external environment matches how I see the best version of myself internally. On some days like today, I feel so in tune with my body/ intuition/ VIBES that every word I write could either feel right or wrong. The more I’m on this path, the clearer the future path seems. I only try to do things now that feel like they’re a part of my story. It’s hard to trust the process but it’s harder to be in places that don’t feel right. I’m burning through my last 4 years of savings to be here and I want to say I’m not sure it’ll lead me to the right path, but everything in my gut is certain that this is what I need to be doing.

Real superpower comes from being on your right path- you have a built-in resilience to judgment. Everyone’s opinion is subjective, so when you’re on a path that you don’t doubt, you’re not susceptible to other people’s doubt either. My best friend Natasha shared a similar sentiment, she says, “If I do what I want to do and be who I want to be I can’t be anxious”.

I look at my life now and am really proud of myself. I’ve been planting new life seeds, a band, a business, travelling, volunteering, meeting new people, loving and learning and loving better.