tl;dr: Now

I mean - it's such a scary question - 'cos it makes me wonder - shit - if I'm not feeling "fully" alive - what the fuck am I doing with my life?  Is there a difference between feeling alive and fully alive - and if so - what should we be doing about it?

Right now I feel alive - I'm aware of my senses and my position in space - I can imagine and feel and act and manifest - I'm certainly not asleep (I don't think,) and maybe I am in a simulation, but as far as "alive"goes - I pretty much feel it.

In the recent past I have felt many of the highs of being alive - things that you don't normally experience in your day to day life - things that are literally remarkable; time with visiting family, trips to beautiful places, eating fabulous food followed by live concert performances, unexpected intimacy as well as the power of a crowd - all these things enhanced my experience of living but did I feel "fully" alive?

I cast my mind back a few years - to a rental car on a stupid road - no barrier to a death drop of hundreds of meters and a terrified partner - forcing myself to focus and not succumb to panic.  When the road finally opened up, the overwhelming feeling of relief was electric - my body felt on fire and I did indeed feel "fully" alive - we both did.

I suspect this is similar to the feeling that people get when they bungee jump or throw themselves out of an airplane - it's the feeling of being close to death that amplifies the feeling of being alive.

I've never felt the need to feel "fully" alive - the "cost" of being terrified just for an adrenal rush never made sense - and while sure it does feel good, it's more often than not accompanied by a come down that leaves one dissatisfied and searching for the next high - I have enough addictive behaviors to be wary of this one.

And so for me - right now - there is no "more alive" state that I would want to be in - I don't feel like I'm missing out - I in fact feel pretty satiated - I feel pretty "full" - I do - just by living - already feel fully alive!

Writing for The Human Collective on musicto