"comparison is the thief of joy"... yeah no shit. when everyone from your girlfriend, to your sister, to a random facebook friend from when you were 10 years old (back when facebook had video games) is living out their ivy league life, its hard not to compare yourself. and its hard not to compare yourself negatively.
it has been a little over 1 year since i got into medical school. a little over 1 year since the most depressing year of my life. i dont know what it is about having to write things about myself, but i am not good at it. (yet im doing it right now to make myself feel better. is that irony?) at the risk of sounding like a self absorbed narcissist who i would absolutely hate to be around, it felt... ahem... feels like i wasnt supposed to end up where i am now. i had a 521 on my mcat, i tore my hair out getting a 3.9 in college. i missed birthday parties, lost sleep, gave up weekends to get into a medical school i could be proud of, a medical school whose name would speak for itself. that didn't happen. so was all of that just a waste?
when i realized that that wasnt going to happen, i cried. i cried a lot the past year. i cried during my sleep. i cried on the subway heading to work. i cried going back from work to the subway. it felt good getting my emotions out, but never good enough.
now i know what you are thinking. i know because i am thinking the same thing. "what a little bitch". i am absolutely a little bitch for thinking this way. for thinking that as long as a check a few boxes, as long as i study this hard and get this number on a piece of paper telling me how i did on a single exam that i suddenly deserve the world. for being anything other than grateful for even getting into medical school. god i wish i could actually accept that. god i wish i could actually accept the fact that where i am now is where i am, and there is no point in thinking about what could have been. it does not help when it seems like everyone i have ever interacted with is finding that same success i thought was within my grasp, at the medical schools i thought i could have achieved. feeling like a bitch only makes everything worse. and then feeling even worse about feeling like a bitch. and then feeling even worse about feeling worse about feeling like a bitch. (continued on back of page)
"comparison is the thief of joy"... yeah no shit. when everyone from your girlfriend, to your sister, to a random facebook friend from when you were 10 years old (back when facebook had video games) is living out their ivy league life, its hard not to compare yourself. and its hard not to compare yourself negatively.
it has been a little over 1 year since i got into medical school. a little over 1 year since the most depressing year of my life. i dont know what it is about having to write things about myself, but i am not good at it. (yet im doing it right now to make myself feel better. is that irony?) at the risk of sounding like a self absorbed narcissist who i would absolutely hate to be around, it felt... ahem... feels like i wasnt supposed to end up where i am now. i had a 521 on my mcat, i tore my hair out getting a 3.9 in college. i missed birthday parties, lost sleep, gave up weekends to get into a medical school i could be proud of, a medical school whose name would speak for itself. that didn't happen. so was all of that just a waste?
when i realized that that wasnt going to happen, i cried. i cried a lot the past year. i cried during my sleep. i cried on the subway heading to work. i cried going back from work to the subway. it felt good getting my emotions out, but never good enough.
now i know what you are thinking. i know because i am thinking the same thing. "what a little bitch". i am absolutely a little bitch for thinking this way. for thinking that as long as a check a few boxes, as long as i study this hard and get this number on a piece of paper telling me how i did on a single exam that i suddenly deserve the world. for being anything other than grateful for even getting into medical school. god i wish i could actually accept that. god i wish i could actually accept the fact that where i am now is where i am, and there is no point in thinking about what could have been. it does not help when it seems like everyone i have ever interacted with is finding that same success i thought was within my grasp, at the medical schools i thought i could have achieved. feeling like a bitch only makes everything worse. and then feeling even worse about feeling like a bitch. and then feeling even worse about feeling worse about feeling like a bitch. (continued on back of page)
fast forward to now, the past year has not been great. i have annoyed the fuck out of my girlfriend with my insecurities. a constant nagging feeling of failure in the back of my mind that, like the waves on a beach, reach high tide, overflowing out of subconscious, and retreat to low tide, flowing back into my unconscious brain, with concerning regularity. and then, its always the same shit too: "comparison is the thief of joy", "focus on what you can control, and let go of the things you cant", "if you constantly think about what could have been, you cant succeed in your future", you think anyone would be saying that to me if i were at a higher tier medical school? fuck no. empty words meant only to console, thats all that they are. some other stuff ive been told: "the medical school you go to doesnt matter", "medical school everywhere is the same". im here to tell you this is not true.
(prestige, as much as i hate to say it, matters. sure it doesnt matter in some ways, but it definitely matters in other ways, especially in a population of people that have been and actively do strive to be the best. prestige. to some extent, matters to the people reading your resume. prestige matters to your immigrant parents. prestige matters to the people giving out money, and when you are trying to do research, the money is king.)
ive found myself dreading meeting new people, dreading remeeting people from my past. dreading the inevitable "what are you doing with your life?" question. dreading the inevitable feeling of comparison when someone advertises their success. i feel like i dont even deserve to say i am a medical student. i feel like i dont deserve to make the name of this page what it is (hey, im a sucker for alliteration). on the other hand, i dread even more when i actually am relieved that my stupid monkey brain thinks that im more successful than who im talking to. absolutely ridiculous. im off social media because i cant handle that all my friends are at medical schools i wish i were at; it makes me flinch. this is not a state of being that i am happy with.
if there were a magic pill to swallow to make me feel okay, i would pay premium dinero for that pill. and i would take a triple dose. oh boy, do i have serious issues to deal with, but not that serious. the only thing keeping me going is one mantra that has never let me down: "time heals all". at this point in my career, the most recent large success is the medical school youve managed to matriculate into. but, the seemingly most successful doctors are not successful only for the medical school at which they studied. they are successful for the value they bring to others, the care they provide for their patients. it just takes time.
it takes effort to remember to these things. i try my best to be grateful for what i have. i feel better when i take the time to think about the immense luck that ive been afforded (even though it feels like ive squandered that luck). i could not have managed to do anything i do today without the support of those around me. writer of musings of a med student, remember that. i feel good knowing that, at the end of the day, i am going to achieve a dream that some are forced to abandon... but still, never good enough.
fast forward to now, the past year has not been great. i have annoyed the fuck out of my girlfriend with my insecurities. a constant nagging feeling of failure in the back of my mind that, like the waves on a beach, reach high tide, overflowing out of subconscious, and retreat to low tide, flowing back into my unconscious brain, with concerning regularity. and then, its always the same shit too: "comparison is the thief of joy", "focus on what you can control, and let go of the things you cant", "if you constantly think about what could have been, you cant succeed in your future", you think anyone would be saying that to me if i were at a higher tier medical school? fuck no. empty words meant only to console, thats all that they are. some other stuff ive been told: "the medical school you go to doesnt matter", "medical school everywhere is the same". im here to tell you this is not true.
(prestige, as much as i hate to say it, matters. sure it doesnt matter in some ways, but it definitely matters in other ways, especially in a population of people that have been and actively do strive to be the best. prestige. to some extent, matters to the people reading your resume. prestige matters to your immigrant parents. prestige matters to the people giving out money, and when you are trying to do research, the money is king.)
ive found myself dreading meeting new people, dreading remeeting people from my past. dreading the inevitable "what are you doing with your life?" question. dreading the inevitable feeling of comparison when someone advertises their success. i feel like i dont even deserve to say i am a medical student. i feel like i dont deserve to make the name of this page what it is (hey, im a sucker for alliteration). on the other hand, i dread even more when i actually am relieved that my stupid monkey brain thinks that im more successful than who im talking to. absolutely ridiculous. im off social media because i cant handle that all my friends are at medical schools i wish i were at; it makes me flinch. this is not a state of being that i am happy with.
if there were a magic pill to swallow to make me feel okay, i would pay premium dinero for that pill. and i would take a triple dose. oh boy, do i have serious issues to deal with, but not that serious. the only thing keeping me going is one mantra that has never let me down: "time heals all". at this point in my career, the most recent large success is the medical school youve managed to matriculate into. but, the seemingly most successful doctors are not successful only for the medical school at which they studied. they are successful for the value they bring to others, the care they provide for their patients. it just takes time.
it takes effort to remember to these things. i try my best to be grateful for what i have. i feel better when i take the time to think about the immense luck that ive been afforded (even though it feels like ive squandered that luck). i could not have managed to do anything i do today without the support of those around me. writer of musings of a med student, remember that. i feel good knowing that, at the end of the day, i am going to achieve a dream that some are forced to abandon... but still, never good enough.
musings of a med student
i write for myself. the only reason it's on this website is because it forces me to be at least somewhat coherent.
musings of a med student
i write for myself. the only reason it's on this website is because it forces me to be at least somewhat coherent.
