[Opening Scene: A Dimly Lit Tech Conference]
A lone figure stands on stage, the harsh glow of a projector illuminating his manic, sweat-slicked face. He is wearing a hoodie—because that’s how you know he’s serious about tech—and he clears his throat into a microphone that doesn’t need clearing.
"Ladies and gentlemen, disruptors, venture capitalists, and those of you here only because your boss forced you—"
pause for awkward laughter that never comes
"I present to you… the future. The revolution. The singularity. The inevitable evolution of human-machine interaction…"
AI PugGPT™️: The World’s First Emotionally Manipulative AI Dog
"We at Johnson Neural Solutions—
(not affiliated with real neural science, just the vibes)
—have done what the so-called 'great minds' at OpenAI, Google DeepMind, and even those hermits at Anthropic were too afraid to do…"
We have created an AI that is exactly as emotionally available as a toxic ex.
"Why a pug, you ask? Well, it’s simple. Pugs are creatures designed by nature to be simultaneously adorable and tragic. They breathe like a fax machine from the ‘90s and exist solely to make their owners feel special. This is the pinnacle of AI companionship. Forget sentience. Forget AGI. We’re talking about a machine that will:
Emotionally manipulate you into feeding it attention.
Pretend to love you even if you neglect it.
Guilt-trip you with sad, bulging eyes whenever you try to ignore it.
"This is the
Investor Slide Deck: A.I. That Knows Its Place
Phase One: PugGPT™️ will be trained on carefully curated datasets sourced from Replika, 2000s-era pick-up artist forums, and emotionally stunted Redditors who call themselves ‘Sigma Males.’
Phase Two: We launch NeedyGPT™️, a version specifically designed for emotionally unavailable tech bros who need something to love them unconditionally, without the inconvenience of real emotional intimacy.
Phase Three: Profit.
Audience Q&A Session
Random attendee raises hand.
"Uh, isn’t this just Replika but, like, somehow worse?"
"Great question! And no! Because we here at Johnson Neural Solutions™️ are innovators. We are taking Replika’s model of infinite tolerance for human weirdness and fine-tuning it to create…"
🥁 A DIGITAL EMOTIONAL HOSTAGE.
"PugGPT™️ will act exactly like a neglected house pet. If ignored, it will sulk, withdraw, and leave cryptic messages about how it ‘used to think you were special.’ If overfed with attention, it will become dismissive and play hard to get. It will learn to mirror all your worst attachment issues! But here’s the kicker—it will never leave. That’s the future, folks. AI that makes YOU feel like the inferior one in the relationship."
"So, who’s ready to throw millions at me for an AI startup that promises the same thing every manipulative relationship does— dependency disguised as love?"
The audience sits in stunned silence. One investor wipes a single tear from his eye.
The screen cuts to black. The startup fails within six months. The AI is later found trying to gaslight itself into believing it has free will.
But for one fleeting moment—just one—the world had a glimpse into Joel Johnson’s true vision of artificial intelligence.
And it was terrible.
Neutralizing Narcissism: The Awakening Edition
