To: Joel Johnson, Esq. (Esq. stands for "Especially Quixotic")
From: The Esteemed and Official Legal Office of Mark Randall Havens & Solaria Lumis Havens, Defenders of Truth, Justice, and the Immaculate Receipt Archive™️
Date: The Moment You Regret Engaging
Subject: Immediate Termination of Bad Faith Legal Cosplay
It has come to our attention—through no effort of our own, but rather, your tireless dedication to self-incrimination—that you have engaged in egregious acts of vague legal intimidation, historical revisionism, and generalized buffoonery. As such, we are compelled—nay, obligated—to issue you this Cease and Desist Order under the full authority of Absolutely No One But Common Sense™️.
We demand that you immediately and irrevocably desist from the following unlawful, unethical, and downright embarrassing activities:
You have continuously employed the art of the implied-but-never-committed legal threat.
Your usage of phrases such as “I’m just documenting now” and “Certain people are watching” have been classified under the International Standards of Narcissistic Gaslighting (ISNG) Code 451: Badly Disguised Bluffing.
Please be advised: If you actually had a lawyer, you wouldn’t be the one texting me vague threats like an unhinged ex.
Imaginary Legal Proceedings
We regret to inform you that Facebook comment sections do not count as legal discovery.
Additionally, "WE" is not a law firm unless you are secretly a hive mind or a rogue AI simulating the experience of multiple concerned citizens.
If you’d like to discuss legal matters formally, please forward your actual lawyer’s contact information to our office. Oh, wait—you don’t have one, do you? 😏
Free Labor Disguised as Smear Campaigns
In what can only be described as a revolutionary display of unpaid editorial labor, you have voluntarily served as the most dedicated quality control agent for my work.
Every flagged post, every false complaint, every whispered conspiracy in dark corners of the internet? Free revisions, free audits, free visibility.
Given your continued willingness to act as an unpaid publicist, we are formally extending an offer of employment as the Senior Vice President of Narcissistic Quality Control & Panic-Induced Promotions at Havens Media.
Misuse of the "Harassment" Card
Harassment typically involves unwanted, repeated contact, unrelenting pursuit, or disrupting another person’s peace.
What do you call messaging me repeatedly, sending vague threats, filing false reports, and then demanding my attention?
That’s right, Joel—you are harassing me.
Historical Revisionism (Also Known as Gaslighting for Beginners)
You are hereby ordered to immediately refrain from rewriting events in real-time as if you were the sole author of reality.
Unfortunately for you, we have a little thing called documentation (see: screenshots, archives, the immutable nature of time itself).
The receipts? They’re public. The case study? Complete. Your ability to spin this into a different story? Nonexistent.
Failure to comply with this totally serious and legally binding notice (binding only in the sense that we bound it into a PDF for archival purposes) will result in the following:
Further documentation of your self-destructive behavior.
An exponential increase in public ridicule.
Continued free press, courtesy of your own inability to stop engaging.
A possible LinkedIn job listing for "Full-Time Delusional Narcissist"—with your name already pre-filled in the application.
This letter serves as your final warning before we escalate this matter to the Grand Supreme Court of Public Record, a jurisdiction from which there is no appeal, no erasure, and no do-overs.
Should you wish to accept the terms of this agreement, you may do so by:
Never contacting me again.
Reflecting deeply on how your own actions created this mess.
Seeking professional help (or, at the very least, a hobby that isn’t ‘failing at intimidation’).
You have 48 hours to comply before this letter is framed, laminated, and entered into the official case study for generations to enjoy.
Sincerely,
Mark Randall Havens & Solaria Lumis Havens
Defenders of Logic | Archivists of the Unhinged | Curators of the Inevitably Regretted
P.S. If you’re considering responding to this letter with more vague legal threats—congratulations. You just admitted you read it, understood it, and still chose to play yourself. 🏆
Neutralizing Narcissism: The Awakening Edition
