The feels around the biological clock
inspired by Boys Club feelings check in
I’ve been catching up on Boys Club and was listening to the feelings check in around balancing having children with ambition. And oh do I have feelings about it.
Every working mom lives with an undercurrent of guilt—guilt when you’re working that you’re not with your kids; guilt when putting your career on hold or having to put family before work. It feels like there’s never enough time and no one is getting the best of you, certainly not yourself. And if you have a partner, hopefully they are a true partner. But if not, the added stress is tremendous.
And all of this timing is controlled by biology. Listening to Deana on Boys Club talk through the thought process on of this consideration at 39 “if I get pregnant now…” and talk through all that comes with it and the trade offs of ambition brought me right back. When the clock is ticking down, emotion takes hold.
About 7 years ago, I had to have a hysterectomy due to extreme endometriosis, fibroids and a couple tumors thrown in for good measure. In that moment watching the door close for having any more children brought out this sudden panic.
I even went to a fertility doctor to see if I had any eggs to freeze. Which to any sane person in that moment facing all the medical issues above would know how ridiculous that is and that it was highly unlikely without even checking. But I did anyway. The test results were unsurprising. No viable eggs to freeze. Although I had no desire to have another child before this news, this overwhelming grief at not being able to was surprising.
Post surgery and free of pain I lived with for years, the past 7 years have been some of the best. There’s a bit of freedom in the closing of that door. It’s the time while making the decision, when the door is still ajar, that is frought with emotional turmoil. As was noted on the episode, “That limbo is a much harder place to be in.” Couldn’t agree more Natasha. Once the decision is made, it’s much easier to accept the next phase and move on.
But the balance of family and ambition is always much more difficult for women. Men have longer time horizon for all the choices. The door is open much longer. And society rarely faults a man for making his career a priority.
“A man does that all the time. He takes up space in the world as a man, as his independent person, and not as somebody who carries other people along with them. . . .as soon as you’re pregnant in the world it’s impossible. It’s completely impossible. And people want to talk to you about being a mom, your family, how you decided to make these decisions. All of sudden it’s absolutely impossible to show up in the world as Deana. You’re showing up in the world as a mother. Of course all the things you do for your job wouldn’t be the same.”
This truth may surprise many but not any moms. I’m an offender as well. I have a phone full of numbers that are “so and so’s mom.” That is their only identity to me.
So there is freedom in that door closing. As kids get older, it’s easier to focus on career and ambition. And you can once again find your way back to your whole self. The mom guilt remains but lessens.
There are no easy answers for this and the answer is different for each woman. Egg freezing gives no guarantees and just postpones these decisions.
So maybe it’s time to just allow moms to also be whole humans?
And for the love of eth, please do NOT ever rub a pregnant woman’s belly without an invitation. Ever. Do not even ask. We hate that.
Thanks reader/subscribers for hanging in there -- been a bit inconsistent lately but we're heading into the end of the semester so I'm committing to writing 3x/week for the month of December. Let's see how this goes!
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This is such a hard subject. One that shouldn't be that hard, but it so deeply embedded in our cultures to act this way. And that's a shame. Yes, I have a lot of 'X mom of Y's in my phone. But also a lot of 'Z dad of Y's. What is funny, is that I am the primary care giver in our home. There's a bit of guilt in that. The guilt of not providing enough income for the family. That's my wife's job (she's simply more talented than I am). But also a lot of fun. In the Netherlands, it's customary to check all the kids in school for lice after a school break. That is done by parents. There's a term for parents who do that: 'luizenmoeder', or 'licemom'. When we still lived in NL, I volunteered to be one. The looks on the kids' faces the first time I went round with the other licemoms, that was priceless. It was also a simple example: dads can do this, too. If we, dads, don't show up, don't act but only talk, nothing will ever change. I'm not a big changemaker, but I hope I contribute in my small way. Please note: those moms-and-dads-of-Y in your phone, they ar enot your friends. They're the parents of your kids' friends. Just as you may have that guy who does your garden as "W the gardenguy" in your phone. I have people like that, too. It's a different thing. I won't rub bellies. I don't like that, I think it's a lack of respect. I will relinquish a seat in public transport, though. Or help when something's dropped. Also if your not pregnant. Ouch, my reply became a disorganised essay. I want to be an ally. I think this is important. Not just for you, and my wife, but for my (our) daughter(s), too.
And back to writing — this one inspired by @boysclub https://paragraph.xyz/@nounishprof/tickingclock
All the feels. It’s a relatively short post but so dense with meaning and substance. Great to see you back to writing, and I love seeing how well you tackle the personal and tough subjects. 💜💜
I debated publishing it because it’s a bit tmi but I’m certain many relate. Was good to think back to that time and see that everything happened exactly the way it was as meant to be.
I’m really glad you pushed it. This is so universal, whether we choose to have children or not—the near-constant “is this the right choice?” I was thinking: It would be v powerful to have more inter-generational knowledge sharing outside of family structures. Anyone interested in a Fertility Feelings Pod?