This is that time for me.

The seeds of Doubt were sown in 2019, as I realized I’d gone my whole life not thinking about racial disparities in the United States. The upward spiral begins there. Upward because I view this Season of Doubt as a windfall to my life, as a melting of the scales from my eyes, as a way to move from blind faith to actually seeing.

From learning about the plight of our brothers and sisters, I followed the rabbit hole into the hidden atrocities of our history. They’re not hidden very well, and once you start looking, they’re everywhere. People are shouting, trying to tell us that things are not as they seem, that our “exceptional” country has vile roots, and all it took for me was to raise my head out of my hole.

Once I saw history in this questioning, doubtful light, my attention moved onto myself. What other things have I believed and taken for granted? What other faiths have I put stock into that don’t add up at second glance?

Naturally this skepticism moved onto my Christian beliefs. Upon seeing more closely, and more loudly, the cruelty of the world and people (especially in 2020), how can God be good? How can God be love? How can so much evil exist in the same light as an all-loving God? How does a divinely-inspired, perfect book like the bible account for our modern era?

As far as I knew, the only the bible got right was its evidence that human beings never change. That the original sin, however it entered the soul, grips us fervently. My faith, before all this, didn’t account for the incredible amount of suffering, difficulty, and emotional burdens life gives us. That might be my fault. It probably is. I’m paying the price for it now, after all.

For some time, all I had were questions. I couldn’t read the bible or seek counsel without a gut reaction inside of me. The same things I’d hear at church, read in books, or in the prayers of my fellow believers no longer held weight.

Alain de Botton wrote: “To understand what something is, sometimes we have to understand what something is not.”

This quote perfectly encapsulates the reality I face day-to-day. I am listening, paying attention to the details of life. On the one hand I am utterly present. On the other, I’m totally skeptical. I am determining the identity of my beliefs with negative space. And I’m comfortable with that. There’s limitless, unbound space inside of my mind and in my life.

In other words, I feel free to explore how faith, belief, and God hold weight in my life. I fear no slippery slope. I tremor at no idea or thought or emotion, no matter how taboo or devilish it seems. At the guidance of a close friend (also a skeptic) I have freed my mind and heart to pursue Truth, instead of one kind of truth. Instead of one kind of faith or one history, I want to believe in what’s real.

I want to see things as they fucking are.

I am aware that many people are skeptics, just like me. I, too, am like them. So, for you or anyone else who’s skeptical, I offer these thoughts:

1. On God
   God is not in control of everything. God is not Republican Jesus. God is not a wish-granting djinn. God is not absent, nor is he always there. God doesn’t give two shits (or even one) what I believe about him or the world. God doesn’t need me. God doesn’t hold grudges. God isn’t counting how many days I read the bible. God’s pronouns aren’t he/him. God, if he’s even there, can’t be contained in a single text, can’t be bottled up by churches or priests, or won’t be.

2. On the United States
   The U.S. is not God’s gift to the earth. The U.S. isn’t God or God’s hand. The founding fathers didn’t make a holy document. The U.S. doesn’t need sovereignty to be great. Not everything good in the world comes from our country. Capitalism isn’t the only, or best way, to run our society. The U.S. isn’t a place where wealth and ease outweigh the sins in our history. Believing in our country will not save it (whatever saving it means). Teaching Americans the value of work will not save it.

3. On Wealth
   Money is not the end-all, be-all of life. Wealth is not healthy. Owning more, achieving more, buying more is one sure way to die. Wealth does not make equals, as there is always someone left out. Wealth is not just money. Wealth is not shared easily. Wealth doesn’t teach how to let go, but how to cling and squeeze. Wealth closes our eyes. Wealth cheapens our character. Wealth inhibits our ability to see the value of a single dollar.

4. On History
   The past is not set in stone. History doesn’t justify today. History is not easy to understand. History shows many perspectives. History is not easily liberated from controlling parties. History is not redeeming to the human spirit. History is not true on its own — we interpret its Truth. History and tradition don’t go hand in hand. History can’t set us free if we’re set in stone. History is blinded by our perspective.

Fellow skeptics, what have you unlearned? What have you found is not?

Fellow faithful, what do you hold on to? What have you found persists?

Fellow faithful-skeptics, where are you at? What do you think?

This is that time for me.

The seeds of Doubt were sown in 2019, as I realized I’d gone my whole life not thinking about racial disparities in the United States. The upward spiral begins there. Upward because I view this Season of Doubt as a windfall to my life, as a melting of the scales from my eyes, as a way to move from blind faith to actually seeing.

From learning about the plight of our brothers and sisters, I followed the rabbit hole into the hidden atrocities of our history. They’re not hidden very well, and once you start looking, they’re everywhere. People are shouting, trying to tell us that things are not as they seem, that our “exceptional” country has vile roots, and all it took for me was to raise my head out of my hole.

Once I saw history in this questioning, doubtful light, my attention moved onto myself. What other things have I believed and taken for granted? What other faiths have I put stock into that don’t add up at second glance?

Naturally this skepticism moved onto my Christian beliefs. Upon seeing more closely, and more loudly, the cruelty of the world and people (especially in 2020), how can God be good? How can God be love? How can so much evil exist in the same light as an all-loving God? How does a divinely-inspired, perfect book like the bible account for our modern era?

As far as I knew, the only the bible got right was its evidence that human beings never change. That the original sin, however it entered the soul, grips us fervently. My faith, before all this, didn’t account for the incredible amount of suffering, difficulty, and emotional burdens life gives us. That might be my fault. It probably is. I’m paying the price for it now, after all.

For some time, all I had were questions. I couldn’t read the bible or seek counsel without a gut reaction inside of me. The same things I’d hear at church, read in books, or in the prayers of my fellow believers no longer held weight.

Alain de Botton wrote: “To understand what something is, sometimes we have to understand what something is not.”

This quote perfectly encapsulates the reality I face day-to-day. I am listening, paying attention to the details of life. On the one hand I am utterly present. On the other, I’m totally skeptical. I am determining the identity of my beliefs with negative space. And I’m comfortable with that. There’s limitless, unbound space inside of my mind and in my life.

In other words, I feel free to explore how faith, belief, and God hold weight in my life. I fear no slippery slope. I tremor at no idea or thought or emotion, no matter how taboo or devilish it seems. At the guidance of a close friend (also a skeptic) I have freed my mind and heart to pursue Truth, instead of one kind of truth. Instead of one kind of faith or one history, I want to believe in what’s real.

I want to see things as they fucking are.

I am aware that many people are skeptics, just like me. I, too, am like them. So, for you or anyone else who’s skeptical, I offer these thoughts:

1. On God
   God is not in control of everything. God is not Republican Jesus. God is not a wish-granting djinn. God is not absent, nor is he always there. God doesn’t give two shits (or even one) what I believe about him or the world. God doesn’t need me. God doesn’t hold grudges. God isn’t counting how many days I read the bible. God’s pronouns aren’t he/him. God, if he’s even there, can’t be contained in a single text, can’t be bottled up by churches or priests, or won’t be.

2. On the United States
   The U.S. is not God’s gift to the earth. The U.S. isn’t God or God’s hand. The founding fathers didn’t make a holy document. The U.S. doesn’t need sovereignty to be great. Not everything good in the world comes from our country. Capitalism isn’t the only, or best way, to run our society. The U.S. isn’t a place where wealth and ease outweigh the sins in our history. Believing in our country will not save it (whatever saving it means). Teaching Americans the value of work will not save it.

3. On Wealth
   Money is not the end-all, be-all of life. Wealth is not healthy. Owning more, achieving more, buying more is one sure way to die. Wealth does not make equals, as there is always someone left out. Wealth is not just money. Wealth is not shared easily. Wealth doesn’t teach how to let go, but how to cling and squeeze. Wealth closes our eyes. Wealth cheapens our character. Wealth inhibits our ability to see the value of a single dollar.

4. On History
   The past is not set in stone. History doesn’t justify today. History is not easy to understand. History shows many perspectives. History is not easily liberated from controlling parties. History is not redeeming to the human spirit. History is not true on its own — we interpret its Truth. History and tradition don’t go hand in hand. History can’t set us free if we’re set in stone. History is blinded by our perspective.

Fellow skeptics, what have you unlearned? What have you found is not?

Fellow faithful, what do you hold on to? What have you found persists?

Fellow faithful-skeptics, where are you at? What do you think?