“We live inside a trichotomy: what was, what is, and what shall be. The pain in our skulls is due to trying to mesh the three”

A cognitive dissonance is when you hold in your mind two opposing paradoxical beliefs that contradict each other. They are mutually exclusive, yet somehow inhabit the mind at the same time. A dilemma is a form of cognitive dissonance where the actor is faced with contradictory horns; they are at the fork of the road, and each side, paradoxically it seems, is the valid path.

• Example Dilemma: Relationship Troubles

  • High-level: I’m scared to meet them, but I am also scared to stop talking to them and let them go.

1. Determine your fears for each horn

• If we meet, I will end up suffering greatly, but if I don’t try to meet them then someone else will presumably take my place leading to my feelings of abandonment and distraught.

  • Spelling out fears, makes them explicit. Prior to this they are implicit, invisible green text. By speaking or writing out the words, you deconstruct them, rendering them into overt existence.

• Why are you afraid of Horn A? your fears of repeat trauma are triggered

• Why are you afraid of Horn B? your fears of abandonment are triggered

1. Determine the needs being unmet by each fear

• I do not want to suffer greatly again, I want to be happy. I am deserving of respect and love. I do not want to be jealous of others and feel lonely.

  • Alchemizing fears with positive goals allows us to better express our needs. Additionally, if we glean deeper in between the words, it exposes another hidden layer of text regarding the assumptions of the dilemma; both outcomes are fixed snapshots of existence (there is no way it could be different than what is expected).

    • They are incapable of change, so if we meet they will hurt me in the same way that I have been hurt before.

    • I am incapable of change, so if we don’t meet I will hurt myself in the same way that I have hurt myself before.

1. Summarize the adventures for each horn two ways

• Horn A: (1) If we meet then I will suffer greatly again. I do not want to suffer greatly again, and I do not trust that they will not hurt me. (2) They are incapable of change, so they will disrespect my boundaries when we meet and I will end up hurt.

  • Problem: potential for repeat trauma, overt suffering

  • Needs: feeling safe and respected, healthy boundaries

  • Assumption: they are immutable and will not change their behavior to accommodate my needs because that is who they are

    • When analyzing the horn of a dilemma, we go from beginning to end, and end to beginning. Problem → Need → Assumption; Assumption → Need → Problem

• Horn B: (1) If we don’t meet then I will feel potentially jealous again. I do not want to have my trust compromised by them finding someone to replace me. (2) They are able to easily replace our relationship, so if I don’t meet with them I will end up abandoned.

  • Problem: potential for being replaced, unreasonable jealousy

  • Needs: avoiding uncomfortable feelings, feeling compersion

  • Assumption: our relationship was not unique and can be easily replicated by others, so they will immediately find my replacement

1. Determine how the summarizations can be altered

• Can we change the problem? Unfortunately, no. We cannot (without excessive manipulation and power) control the outcomes of reality. Despite the claims of grandiosity, we are not omnipotent beings.

• If the problem exists, should we compromise on our own needs to allow for the situation to occur? Again, no. Your individual needs are valid, and it is your sole duty to ensure that they are being met as you walk throughout life.

• What can we change? We have the right to maintain control over our assumptions. Reality is dynamic and ever changing. The two constants are that we are given infinite opportunities to learn how to altering our behaviors and that the majority of our high-level assumptions are not tried in reality. So perhaps they have learned their lesson, maybe they value you enough to change the way they act? Is there a way to classically train them to treat you the way you want? Are you willing to change any of your behaviors to avoid an anticipated reaction? What if you are unique and what you share with them is not as easily replicable as you think? What if your perception of them wanting to replace your relationship is wrong? What if this is how they expect things to go by default? What if the silence is deafening?

1. Compare, contrast, and contextualize the horns

• The dilemma stems from not being to identify the more problematic horn, so we begin by asking ourselves, which of the outlined needs are greater and more essential to my well-being? Which one is more compelling?

  • Horn A Needs: feeling safe and respected, healthy boundaries

  • Horn B Needs: feeling compersion, avoiding uncomfortable feelings

    • Usually the resolution starts here. At this point most easy dilemmas are resolved since one of the needs is obviously more important to you.

• What if we are faced with equipotent horns and the needs are both equal? If this is the case then your only option is to go back to step 4 and rephrase or revise the underlying assumptions until one horn suits your needs and reality better.

When we face complex dilemmas, our personhoods can feel like they are at stake. Intractable situations can make us feel hopeless, like our life essence is being compromised. Luckily there is good news. We are the narrators of our own storylines, which means we are both able to analyze and rewrite our personal myths to help us navigate the plotlines of reality better. As multifaceted beings of reason, it is our impetus to find and decide upon consistent ways to deal with the waves of emotion. By reviewing all of the information at hand with a cool head, you will set yourself up to better identify accurate assumptions that can be put to reality testing. Our duty is to be as good of versions of ourselves as we want and navigate the obstacles of reality.

“We live inside a trichotomy: what was, what is, and what shall be. The pain in our skulls is due to trying to mesh the three”

A cognitive dissonance is when you hold in your mind two opposing paradoxical beliefs that contradict each other. They are mutually exclusive, yet somehow inhabit the mind at the same time. A dilemma is a form of cognitive dissonance where the actor is faced with contradictory horns; they are at the fork of the road, and each side, paradoxically it seems, is the valid path.

• Example Dilemma: Relationship Troubles

  • High-level: I’m scared to meet them, but I am also scared to stop talking to them and let them go.

1. Determine your fears for each horn

• If we meet, I will end up suffering greatly, but if I don’t try to meet them then someone else will presumably take my place leading to my feelings of abandonment and distraught.

  • Spelling out fears, makes them explicit. Prior to this they are implicit, invisible green text. By speaking or writing out the words, you deconstruct them, rendering them into overt existence.

• Why are you afraid of Horn A? your fears of repeat trauma are triggered

• Why are you afraid of Horn B? your fears of abandonment are triggered

1. Determine the needs being unmet by each fear

• I do not want to suffer greatly again, I want to be happy. I am deserving of respect and love. I do not want to be jealous of others and feel lonely.

  • Alchemizing fears with positive goals allows us to better express our needs. Additionally, if we glean deeper in between the words, it exposes another hidden layer of text regarding the assumptions of the dilemma; both outcomes are fixed snapshots of existence (there is no way it could be different than what is expected).

    • They are incapable of change, so if we meet they will hurt me in the same way that I have been hurt before.

    • I am incapable of change, so if we don’t meet I will hurt myself in the same way that I have hurt myself before.

1. Summarize the adventures for each horn two ways

• Horn A: (1) If we meet then I will suffer greatly again. I do not want to suffer greatly again, and I do not trust that they will not hurt me. (2) They are incapable of change, so they will disrespect my boundaries when we meet and I will end up hurt.

  • Problem: potential for repeat trauma, overt suffering

  • Needs: feeling safe and respected, healthy boundaries

  • Assumption: they are immutable and will not change their behavior to accommodate my needs because that is who they are

    • When analyzing the horn of a dilemma, we go from beginning to end, and end to beginning. Problem → Need → Assumption; Assumption → Need → Problem

• Horn B: (1) If we don’t meet then I will feel potentially jealous again. I do not want to have my trust compromised by them finding someone to replace me. (2) They are able to easily replace our relationship, so if I don’t meet with them I will end up abandoned.

  • Problem: potential for being replaced, unreasonable jealousy

  • Needs: avoiding uncomfortable feelings, feeling compersion

  • Assumption: our relationship was not unique and can be easily replicated by others, so they will immediately find my replacement

1. Determine how the summarizations can be altered

• Can we change the problem? Unfortunately, no. We cannot (without excessive manipulation and power) control the outcomes of reality. Despite the claims of grandiosity, we are not omnipotent beings.

• If the problem exists, should we compromise on our own needs to allow for the situation to occur? Again, no. Your individual needs are valid, and it is your sole duty to ensure that they are being met as you walk throughout life.

• What can we change? We have the right to maintain control over our assumptions. Reality is dynamic and ever changing. The two constants are that we are given infinite opportunities to learn how to altering our behaviors and that the majority of our high-level assumptions are not tried in reality. So perhaps they have learned their lesson, maybe they value you enough to change the way they act? Is there a way to classically train them to treat you the way you want? Are you willing to change any of your behaviors to avoid an anticipated reaction? What if you are unique and what you share with them is not as easily replicable as you think? What if your perception of them wanting to replace your relationship is wrong? What if this is how they expect things to go by default? What if the silence is deafening?

1. Compare, contrast, and contextualize the horns

• The dilemma stems from not being to identify the more problematic horn, so we begin by asking ourselves, which of the outlined needs are greater and more essential to my well-being? Which one is more compelling?

  • Horn A Needs: feeling safe and respected, healthy boundaries

  • Horn B Needs: feeling compersion, avoiding uncomfortable feelings

    • Usually the resolution starts here. At this point most easy dilemmas are resolved since one of the needs is obviously more important to you.

• What if we are faced with equipotent horns and the needs are both equal? If this is the case then your only option is to go back to step 4 and rephrase or revise the underlying assumptions until one horn suits your needs and reality better.

When we face complex dilemmas, our personhoods can feel like they are at stake. Intractable situations can make us feel hopeless, like our life essence is being compromised. Luckily there is good news. We are the narrators of our own storylines, which means we are both able to analyze and rewrite our personal myths to help us navigate the plotlines of reality better. As multifaceted beings of reason, it is our impetus to find and decide upon consistent ways to deal with the waves of emotion. By reviewing all of the information at hand with a cool head, you will set yourself up to better identify accurate assumptions that can be put to reality testing. Our duty is to be as good of versions of ourselves as we want and navigate the obstacles of reality.