Object permanence is a term in psychology for our capacity to perceive things outside of our immediate senses. It is the understanding that objects continue to exist even when they cannot be seen, touched, or sensed in some way. Consider the 'shadow on the wall' illusion, where a shadow can be seen by a person when the head of the shadow is turned away from the body. This happens because the brain maps different parts of the visual field in different ways depending on what it is processing. In the case of the shadow illusion, part of the brain is processing what is happening in the direct field of vision, and part of the brain is processing what is happening in the occluded field of vision. Even if the occluded eye is the only eye that can see the shadow, the brain has a way of mapping it to the occluded field of vision even though the direct field of vision is unaffected.

Object constancy is associated with the idea of ​​permanence. Both refer to the stability of an idea held in one's mind, but the former describes our attitude towards interpersonal relationships, while the latter refers to to our understanding of specific objects. It explains how we derive emotions from a potential future event even if we cannot see, touch, or sense it. Like object permanence, object constancy is a hallmark of the infant brain and can be seen in infancy and early childhood. To develop this skill, we mature as we understand that our caregiver is both a loving presence and a separate person that can slip away. Instead of needing to be with them all the time, we have an inner image of love and care. So even if they are temporarily out of sight, we know that we are loved and supported. Object constancy allows us to trust that our connection to our loved ones remains intact even when they are not there, picking up the phone, replying to our messages. or even disappointed with us. With object constancy, absence doesn't mean disappearing or being abandoned, just temporary distance.

A big part of developing object constancy is becoming comfortable with holding paradoxes in your mind. During childhood, we learn that our parents will always be there when we call for them. When we do so, our brain associates the event with happiness. This positive conditioned feeling encourages us to ask for our needs in the future. Yet the love that our parents give us is also the pain they feel for us when we are in need. Even though our parents' devotion and care is love, it is also also, at times, painful. When we are able to realize these paradoxes in our mind, our mind becomes more flexible. The same way the one who feeds us is also the one who fails us, we must come to grapple with the truth that nothing Earthly is all good or all bad. If we can hold both the faults and the virtues in ourselves and others, we would not have to resort to the primitive defense of black-or-white thinking. We do not have to completely diminish the value of our partner simply because they have disappointed us. Partners could be limited and good for you at the same time. They can love and be angry at us at the same time. They may just need time to focus away from us, but the basis of the bond remains strong. We can also forgive ourselves—just because we're imperfect does not mean we are, therefore defective or unworthy of love.

Object constancy can be the difference between someone who can appreciate ambiguity in a relationship and someone who constantly needs to question the relationship, what it is and where it is going. While desiring and defining a relationship is not unhealthy, living in constant fear of your lack of definition is. When we integrate paradoxes, we can no longer be forsaken. We can no longer be discarded because the value of our existence does not depend on the opinions of others. We can no longer be swallowed up or trapped. We can say no, set limits and leave. If a relationship ends, it's a natural consequence of a mismatch between two people's values, needs, and lifestyles. As resilient adults, we can cradle the inner child who is afraid of abandonment in our hearts. We can learn to stay inside the body even when we are afraid without dissociating ourselves; and we can stay in touch with other nodes even in the midst of uncertainty, without the need to hide and be defensive.

We all have object constancy—we just have to find it. The practice of this sort of attentiveness is not a skill that you can just acquire. It is something that you can, at some point, learn how to do and still have to practice to maintain and build upon over time. It is a skill that you can develop, but not without having the courage and the willingness to be vulnerable, constantly—to have the questions, the doubts, the fears, and the existential crises, and to keep living anyway. Hurting makes way for healed wounds that can only make you stronger, and that they have helped to define who you are—you are not your struggles. A relationship has the ability to enrich your life and not hurt it. Object constancy is a force capable of true self-fulfilling prophecy.

To love is to respect essential dignity. It is to honor the gift that only a human being can offer you: acceptance for you and who you are, however flawed. It is to appreciate this person even in the midst of ambiguity. It is to come to a place where you can look at the people in your life—from friends and family to romantic partners—and know that it is precisely the people who are capable of being there for you, no matter how imperfect you are, that will be the source of your strength. Instead of getting bogged down in the search for the missing piece, we can come to see ourselves as a whole and integrated entity, the product of a whole story. The trauma of being dropped and abandoned has passed; through hope and love we are given the opportunity for a new life. As you begin to stand on your own, you are given the opportunity to experience the empowerment and freedom that is in no way a replacement for the attachment, comfort, safety, and security of your relationship, but a relationship in its own right. We are given the opportunity to be comfortable with not knowing where we're going, and not knowing if we'll get there. But it's only through uncertainty that we get the chance to learn about ourselves, the people around us, and the relationships we are in. The journey, the experience, and the outcome are the gifts of our relationships.

Object permanence is a term in psychology for our capacity to perceive things outside of our immediate senses. It is the understanding that objects continue to exist even when they cannot be seen, touched, or sensed in some way. Consider the 'shadow on the wall' illusion, where a shadow can be seen by a person when the head of the shadow is turned away from the body. This happens because the brain maps different parts of the visual field in different ways depending on what it is processing. In the case of the shadow illusion, part of the brain is processing what is happening in the direct field of vision, and part of the brain is processing what is happening in the occluded field of vision. Even if the occluded eye is the only eye that can see the shadow, the brain has a way of mapping it to the occluded field of vision even though the direct field of vision is unaffected.

Object constancy is associated with the idea of ​​permanence. Both refer to the stability of an idea held in one's mind, but the former describes our attitude towards interpersonal relationships, while the latter refers to to our understanding of specific objects. It explains how we derive emotions from a potential future event even if we cannot see, touch, or sense it. Like object permanence, object constancy is a hallmark of the infant brain and can be seen in infancy and early childhood. To develop this skill, we mature as we understand that our caregiver is both a loving presence and a separate person that can slip away. Instead of needing to be with them all the time, we have an inner image of love and care. So even if they are temporarily out of sight, we know that we are loved and supported. Object constancy allows us to trust that our connection to our loved ones remains intact even when they are not there, picking up the phone, replying to our messages. or even disappointed with us. With object constancy, absence doesn't mean disappearing or being abandoned, just temporary distance.

A big part of developing object constancy is becoming comfortable with holding paradoxes in your mind. During childhood, we learn that our parents will always be there when we call for them. When we do so, our brain associates the event with happiness. This positive conditioned feeling encourages us to ask for our needs in the future. Yet the love that our parents give us is also the pain they feel for us when we are in need. Even though our parents' devotion and care is love, it is also also, at times, painful. When we are able to realize these paradoxes in our mind, our mind becomes more flexible. The same way the one who feeds us is also the one who fails us, we must come to grapple with the truth that nothing Earthly is all good or all bad. If we can hold both the faults and the virtues in ourselves and others, we would not have to resort to the primitive defense of black-or-white thinking. We do not have to completely diminish the value of our partner simply because they have disappointed us. Partners could be limited and good for you at the same time. They can love and be angry at us at the same time. They may just need time to focus away from us, but the basis of the bond remains strong. We can also forgive ourselves—just because we're imperfect does not mean we are, therefore defective or unworthy of love.

Object constancy can be the difference between someone who can appreciate ambiguity in a relationship and someone who constantly needs to question the relationship, what it is and where it is going. While desiring and defining a relationship is not unhealthy, living in constant fear of your lack of definition is. When we integrate paradoxes, we can no longer be forsaken. We can no longer be discarded because the value of our existence does not depend on the opinions of others. We can no longer be swallowed up or trapped. We can say no, set limits and leave. If a relationship ends, it's a natural consequence of a mismatch between two people's values, needs, and lifestyles. As resilient adults, we can cradle the inner child who is afraid of abandonment in our hearts. We can learn to stay inside the body even when we are afraid without dissociating ourselves; and we can stay in touch with other nodes even in the midst of uncertainty, without the need to hide and be defensive.

We all have object constancy—we just have to find it. The practice of this sort of attentiveness is not a skill that you can just acquire. It is something that you can, at some point, learn how to do and still have to practice to maintain and build upon over time. It is a skill that you can develop, but not without having the courage and the willingness to be vulnerable, constantly—to have the questions, the doubts, the fears, and the existential crises, and to keep living anyway. Hurting makes way for healed wounds that can only make you stronger, and that they have helped to define who you are—you are not your struggles. A relationship has the ability to enrich your life and not hurt it. Object constancy is a force capable of true self-fulfilling prophecy.

To love is to respect essential dignity. It is to honor the gift that only a human being can offer you: acceptance for you and who you are, however flawed. It is to appreciate this person even in the midst of ambiguity. It is to come to a place where you can look at the people in your life—from friends and family to romantic partners—and know that it is precisely the people who are capable of being there for you, no matter how imperfect you are, that will be the source of your strength. Instead of getting bogged down in the search for the missing piece, we can come to see ourselves as a whole and integrated entity, the product of a whole story. The trauma of being dropped and abandoned has passed; through hope and love we are given the opportunity for a new life. As you begin to stand on your own, you are given the opportunity to experience the empowerment and freedom that is in no way a replacement for the attachment, comfort, safety, and security of your relationship, but a relationship in its own right. We are given the opportunity to be comfortable with not knowing where we're going, and not knowing if we'll get there. But it's only through uncertainty that we get the chance to learn about ourselves, the people around us, and the relationships we are in. The journey, the experience, and the outcome are the gifts of our relationships.