I recently participated in a 10 day silent meditation retreat (www.dhamma.org). The following is my experience; the ups and downs injected with a slice of humor.

Sore knees. Leg pain. Gun shots. Fugitive on the run. Why am I here? A path through the misery of life?

The first mistake was thinking Twentynine Palms had palm trees. The sort seen with an idyllic movie backdrop as the camera pans to some A-list heartthrob casually puffing a cigarette in a convertible. The dream was shattered when I pulled into the Airbnb and realized trailer parks, not trees, would be the main attraction. It’s also home to a Marine base whose inhabitants on Reddit affectionately describe the place as ‘being deployed to Afghanistan without having to actually go there.’ I tend to agree.

I was stationed there for two days prior to the retreat and got my first dose of reality when Uber didn’t work. After 30 mins of staring into the abyss of ‘no cars available’, I prayed to all that is holy for something to show up. With a twist of irony I found a taxi company named Lucky777. My spidey senses tingled as they wouldn’t venture out unless my Credit Card number along with other obscure details were shared: address, the last 4 digits of my Social Security number, my mothers maiden name, which toothpaste I use (some of the details may have been fabricated for the sake of the story, but if you’re curious: Crest). After debating the man I came to terms that this was the only option, I gave in with the expectation I’d be skimmed for everything I had.

Thankfully a car showed but my fears about the place were confirmed. The cab driver, let’s call him Rick, detailed story after story of the characters in town. After hearing something about someone biting another man’s face in a fit of passion I asked him to turn around so I could grab my passport and computer. If I were to go down in a blaze of glory, they should at least be able to document the body and verify I’d over indexed on all things Apple. Millennial priorities.

The rest of Twentynine Palms was thankfully uneventful as the start of the retreat neared. I coordinated with a driver to pick me up and made the trip from Airbnb to the retreat center. As I ventured into what would be complete isolation from the outside world, I did what any digital native would do: allay their anxiety by furiously scrolling through reviews.

This popped up:

Cool cool cool. Anxiety now revving! While the risk of sitting still for hours likely has a low probability of death or psychosis (I think?), am I going to be the lucky winner and/or get converted into a satanic cult? The Uber pulls through the gates and the opportunity to turn back is now. Screw it, let’s do it.

After signing forms that repeatedly stated I would not be able to leave the premises over the course of the 10 days and surrendering my phone (be still my heart), I made a commitment that weird rituals aside, I would persevere for the 10 days. And so we began.

Days 1–2

A prerequisite for everyone on the course included adhering to ‘Noble Silence’ meaning no communicating with other attendee’s either verbally or nonverbally. What this meant in practice was going against thousands of years of evolution and awkwardly trying to unlearn all social norms. Watching two people try to be polite around who goes into a door first without communicating deserves its own late night skit.

The first couple days were rough; wakeup started at 4am with a gong (surprisingly much less jarring then a phone) and you were to be seated in the meditation hall by 4:30am. Initially, more fidgeting than mediation happened. If it wasn’t rearranging posture I was deep in calculation on how many hours, minutes and seconds until the course ended. Of course, it’s necessary to double check your calculations ad infinitum to maximize time burning. The next iteration of (mind movies) meant I had to revisit every conversation that’s happened in the past 15 years. Arguments were had and unsurprisingly I came out unscathed every time with zingers that my imaginary friends and strangers never saw coming.

In these opening innings I got insight into the mind in action. Like the ancient mystics described: monkey mind. One thing you notice is the repetitiveness of thoughts with the same story / reaction / feeling on repeat — thankfully some creativity was applied by the writers in my head to keep things somewhat fresh. The ongoing dialogues raged on (with the occasional reminder to focus on what I was actually there for) until the realization struck me that only a small percentage of conversations I’ve had in life have been with actual people!

These insights remained few and far between as I spent the majority of the time fidgeting in the hope that the friction created might generate enough heat to burn the place down and get out of there. Unfortunately, Ricky Martin is the only human on earth to create fire with friction from clothes so the sitting continued. Livin’ la vida loca, baby.

Day 3

The course follows a linear structure which builds up the technique with a foundation to develop awareness, concentration, and equanimity. The core pillars of Vipassana rest on awareness and equanimity, often synonymous as a form of mindfulness. It boils down to the ability to be aware of a bodily sensation (touch, feeling, emotions etc.) and not react to it. If you analyze your own life you’ll see that everything exists in a continuum of stimulus and response, much of which we’re not attuned with and react to unconsciously. String together enough of these reactions stored deep in the depths of the unconscious and you have a personality. An interesting thing to observe is when something happens, people’s response varies wildly; some are stressed to no end, while others are totally relaxed. At the surface layer you could argue we don’t have control of these responses (does free will exist?), and you may be right, but upon training the mind (what the skill of meditation is) we can at least develop a space between the stimulus and reaction.

― Viktor E. Frankl (Man’s Search for Meaning)

The first few days act as the foundation for the core technique (you guessed it, Vipassana) which started with a focus on breath. You’re instructed first to center on the passing of breath in and out of the nose before gradually moving onto the space between the tip of the nose and top of the lips. Here the goal is to be aware of each sensation as it comes up without craving (if it’s pleasant) or being aversive to it (if it is uncomfortable). What you naturally find over long periods is a whole range of feelings come into your purview, coming into awareness and at some point dissipating. Once you’re able to repeat to train this skill of observing without reacting while sitting, the idea is this slowly will train your reactiveness in day to day life.

This approach has resonated with thousands of people as there are centers all around the world. What’s amazing is it’s funded 100% by donations and all volunteer run; no participant is required to pay but if it’s within your means you’re asked to donate. The main teacher’s name is S.N Goenka who unfortunately passed away in 2013. His legacy lives on as the course still uses recorded videos to teach the theoretical elements of the technique and philosophy surrounding it. He’s a fascinating man as he started life as a successful businessman before getting severe rehabilitating headaches. He travelled the world going from doctor to doctor but couldn’t find relief. He soon after discovered Vipassana and as the story goes, alleviated the headaches and dedicated the rest of his life to spreading the practice. There are currently 225 centers on every corner of the globe.

Day 4

After making it through a few days the idea popped up that I’d figured this whole meditation thing out. Who knows maybe I’ll be levitating by the end of this? As the sessions went on I was able to consistently settle into a sit after squirming for the first fifteen minutes or so. Part of this process involved swaying back and forth which I did to get acclimatized. As I was mid sway, I got a tug on my shirt with one of the assistants politely asking me to stop moving.

At first this seemed like an innocuous request, after all I could have been distracting others. But this comment sat in my psyche as a seed before multiplying and erupting into an all out flame war in my head. “Who does this person think they are telling ME what to do?!” I took the fantasy argument outside of the meditation hall and paced around going back and forth. It finally reached peak incredulousness when I found myself imagining a scenario where I had to fight out (tooth and nail I might add) from the retreat center as, per the story in my mind, they were unwilling to hand over my belongings. In a fit of rage scenes of Rush Hour 4 played out with me kicking bystanders in the face to finally regain freedom. The number one rule is maintaining plausible believability and once the absurdness of the situation set in I started laughing. Alright, maybe I’ll give this whole Vipassana thing a shot again and even begrudgingly sit still.

This advice was actually the best thing this person could give (I thanked them at the end of the course). That evening, after this episode, we were told to engage in a “Strong Determination” sit — basically, meditate for an hour without any movements. After questioning whether I was physically capable of doing this, It turned into a transformational experience.

Everything was relatively straightforward until the last 20 mins (I MAY have peaked at the clock) when all of a sudden throbbing pain went up and down my legs. Staying true to the practice I opted not to move and just observe the pain. It became excruciating as my body started shaking with literally every fiber of my being telling me to move. Like the afternoon fit, my mind became a toddler throwing a tantrum with every profanity in existence coming to the surface. I felt like crying out of frustration yet was somehow able to hold the position. Then an incredible thing happened: the pain didn’t go away but there was a distinct separation between it and awareness. It was like inspecting the feeling of pain without being absorbed in it, analogous to being in a lab and watching something occur without being directly involved.

It was a powerful insight into the nature of existence. When something uncomfortable happens my first instinct is to change or avoid it. If anxiety or a disagreeable feeling arises I unconsciously pull up my phone as a means of distraction but as Carl Jung said, “what you resist persists.” While the feeling may be suppressed it has a habit of coming back with exponential force in the next go-around. Through dealing with feelings of direct pain I realized it wasn’t the pain that was the problem but the relationship and reaction to it. By just observing and not trying to change it, it became another sensation that eventually moved on.

Day 5

The halfway point of anything marks an interesting transition; you’ve made it through half of the goal/expedition/project yet there’s still substantial effort left to finish. Now, I would be lying if I wasn’t ecstatic that there were only 5 days left but also reestablished the intention to see this thing out. Day 5 was uneventful until the night meditation session (I seemed to have “breakthroughs” at night; put it down to being a night owl?).

While doing the technique, I scanned to the soles of my feet before feeling an uncontrollable surge of energy fire from the floor all the way to the top of my head. It was indescribable and felt like I’d been connected to either end of jumper cables with thousands of volts passing through. My heart rate shot through the roof and in the field of vision everything was vibrating, I was completely taken by whatever this was but also present to the situation. The thought quickly popped into my head: was I about to orgasm in a room full of strangers? There probably wouldn’t have been much competition for this being the most embarrassing event in my life so rest assured that because you’re seeing this text, everything and everyone was safe.

This happened a few more times in session and many more over the course, so much so that it became just another sensation to meditate with. It did illustrate something; as it was pleasant there was a moment of desire for it to happen again. Fittingly, Goenka spoke to this as the desire within life is not for external objects but the feeling that accompanies them. In this instance it was clearer than say a desire for a car as the object/feeling wasn’t abstracted away; it was after all within my body. I realized I’m addicted, like we all are, to chasing this. Be it a new phone, car, thing it’s not actually the thing we wanted but the partnering feeling. It posed the question, does feeling that temporal feeling of pleasure add to happiness or detract?

Day 6

Day 6 brought reality back into perspective. After the morning meditations and in between one of the breaks I heard what sounded like fireworks going off in the background. Now, having graced the streets of Stockton, CA during college (during those years it ranked as the 5th highest crime rate in the nation) I had become fine tuned to a ‘pop pop pop’ in the distance. Maybe there’s a shooting range close by? I mean we are in the desert after all. As we exited the next meditation session (about an hour after the sounds) a police helicopter was circling above blaring a recorded snippet over loud speaker: “Person on the ground, we’re looking for a missing person, 19 years old, black shirt & brown pants, please contact the Sheriff’s department if seen.” Twentynine Palms, the gift that keeps on giving. Noble silence was broken for a hot second when my neighbor said, “you know if I was on the run from the cops this wouldn’t be the worst place to hang out.” Thankfully, no additional guests joined our ranks.

Day 7–9

The structure of the day included 10 hours of meditation broken up by meal times and small breaks. The only structural change came in the evening where Goenka would speak for an hour or so in the recorded discourses. A comment he made in one really stuck with me. It incorporated ideas from western psychology and interestingly, quantum mechanics. Previously I’d mentioned the concept of being addicted to the feeling of something, not necessarily the *thing. *Goenka put the dagger right in the heart when he suggests the strongest addiction we have is the addiction to self.

Say we (the royal we in this case) blurt out a joke that is socially inappropriate (anyone else guilty of this? No?) and everyone not only doesn’t laugh but gives that look of “wow, he really said that.” Soon after that piercing feeling of shame envelops and I’m left replaying this until the end of time. Social psychologists call this cognitive dissonance as it goes against our own perception of who we think we are. Perhaps the software gets updated in our minds and others, and now we have the reputation of the ‘guy with the terrible jokes’. With the trait in place we now spend mental energy trying to live up to the reputation or change it. This applies to all the qualities of our personalities but yet we see it as so concrete.

In the book Moral Tribes (Joshua Greene) he runs through studies and examples showing that our test scores, temperaments, proclivities, even political leanings are dependent on the people and communities around us. Yet we assume that these traits are stable and revel in the praise when someone adores us and wallow in the depths of embarrassment when someone insults us.

The point I’m making is that the form of identity is created and maintained not only by our thoughts but the thoughts of others and is completely interdependent with them. Our identities continually brush up and are shaped by those around us and vice versa. While it may be disconcerting that our sense of self doesn’t exist in of itself, this is the nature of how the universe around us, specifically the quantum world behaves.

A book I recently read (Helgoland by Carlo Rovelli) argues that the irregularities in quantum mechanics occur because each piece of matter doesn’t exist in of itself but only has form due to its dependency to other particles (in this case quarks, the smallest known particle). In the same spirit, in Our Mathematical Universe Max Tegmark theorizes that in mathematics a number has value because of the interrelation between them. i.e two is only two because its relation between one and three. If this is the case, it would appear that everything in our universe from matters to ideas only exists because of its interdependence, not in of itself.

Which brings me to the concept of self; if the self we hold dear exists in a dependence of matter (brain & body) and thoughts (ourselves and others) does it really exist?

Day 10

Phew, finally here. Ten days of observing the mind, pondering the nature of reality and wondering when the f*** this thing is going to end. Noble silence ended on the tenth day and a change was made to the regular scheduled programming: on top of the regular technique ‘Metta’ was added. Metta is a Pali word (a language used in India from 5th century BC to the 14th century) that stands for loving kindness. When I initially saw this in my teens and early twenties I brushed it off as ‘soft’ and not relevant.

This changed when I started listening to Tim Ferriss’s podcast.Tim has been an influential figure who along with the guests and ideas introduced in his podcast, shaped how I view the mechanics of the modern world. In an episode he opened up about depression while going to college (which almost ended in him taking his own life) and how only after encountering the teaching of Metta it allowed him to move away from self loathing to acceptance and love. It softened me up to the idea but only as an intellectual curiosity.

There are two different modes of learning: knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge is what is learned in books and wisdom is hard earned, lived experience. After going through my own bout of depression, Tim’s words resonated on a deeper level. It was no longer an academic experiment to ‘love and be loved’ but one of necessity.

It was a beautiful experience on that last day as memories of my mom, dad, family, friends and random people throughout life popped in my head. I realized how incredibly lucky I’ve been to have people that have been so kind and cared about me. It’s only because of other people who have done so much in my life that I’m able to exist in this very moment.

Once I felt this on an experiential level, it felt only natural to want them to be happy and remove the suffering in their lives.

Closing

Life is tough, there’s no doubt about it. It’s a continual struggle of dealing with ups and downs, disappointment, heartbreak, loss and everything in between. One point that becomes abundantly clear is the incredible resiliency of people. It’s clear to me though, that it requires community around us and a mental hard hat and training to deal with the inevitable storms that come. An interesting point emerged in this periods of introspection: all happiness and misery comes from within. A simple point thats easy to forget.

There is immense power in that as the Stoics realized. If your condition is self contained, that means there is the power to change. It’s my belief through this experience, that meditation (in whatever flavor) is a path out of said misery. Kind of like finding the code exploit in the simulation, it provides a path to actual happiness that everyone can take advantage of regardless of background, race, or religious affiliation.

If you’re going through a hard time, I feel you. Just know a) the feeling will pass and b) there is a path through.

If you’re interested in doing this specific course, go here: www.dhamma.org. If you’ve read this far, thank you, and I hope you found this beneficial or at the very least entertaining.

I recently participated in a 10 day silent meditation retreat (www.dhamma.org). The following is my experience; the ups and downs injected with a slice of humor.

Sore knees. Leg pain. Gun shots. Fugitive on the run. Why am I here? A path through the misery of life?

The first mistake was thinking Twentynine Palms had palm trees. The sort seen with an idyllic movie backdrop as the camera pans to some A-list heartthrob casually puffing a cigarette in a convertible. The dream was shattered when I pulled into the Airbnb and realized trailer parks, not trees, would be the main attraction. It’s also home to a Marine base whose inhabitants on Reddit affectionately describe the place as ‘being deployed to Afghanistan without having to actually go there.’ I tend to agree.

I was stationed there for two days prior to the retreat and got my first dose of reality when Uber didn’t work. After 30 mins of staring into the abyss of ‘no cars available’, I prayed to all that is holy for something to show up. With a twist of irony I found a taxi company named Lucky777. My spidey senses tingled as they wouldn’t venture out unless my Credit Card number along with other obscure details were shared: address, the last 4 digits of my Social Security number, my mothers maiden name, which toothpaste I use (some of the details may have been fabricated for the sake of the story, but if you’re curious: Crest). After debating the man I came to terms that this was the only option, I gave in with the expectation I’d be skimmed for everything I had.

Thankfully a car showed but my fears about the place were confirmed. The cab driver, let’s call him Rick, detailed story after story of the characters in town. After hearing something about someone biting another man’s face in a fit of passion I asked him to turn around so I could grab my passport and computer. If I were to go down in a blaze of glory, they should at least be able to document the body and verify I’d over indexed on all things Apple. Millennial priorities.

The rest of Twentynine Palms was thankfully uneventful as the start of the retreat neared. I coordinated with a driver to pick me up and made the trip from Airbnb to the retreat center. As I ventured into what would be complete isolation from the outside world, I did what any digital native would do: allay their anxiety by furiously scrolling through reviews.

This popped up:

Cool cool cool. Anxiety now revving! While the risk of sitting still for hours likely has a low probability of death or psychosis (I think?), am I going to be the lucky winner and/or get converted into a satanic cult? The Uber pulls through the gates and the opportunity to turn back is now. Screw it, let’s do it.

After signing forms that repeatedly stated I would not be able to leave the premises over the course of the 10 days and surrendering my phone (be still my heart), I made a commitment that weird rituals aside, I would persevere for the 10 days. And so we began.

Days 1–2

A prerequisite for everyone on the course included adhering to ‘Noble Silence’ meaning no communicating with other attendee’s either verbally or nonverbally. What this meant in practice was going against thousands of years of evolution and awkwardly trying to unlearn all social norms. Watching two people try to be polite around who goes into a door first without communicating deserves its own late night skit.

The first couple days were rough; wakeup started at 4am with a gong (surprisingly much less jarring then a phone) and you were to be seated in the meditation hall by 4:30am. Initially, more fidgeting than mediation happened. If it wasn’t rearranging posture I was deep in calculation on how many hours, minutes and seconds until the course ended. Of course, it’s necessary to double check your calculations ad infinitum to maximize time burning. The next iteration of (mind movies) meant I had to revisit every conversation that’s happened in the past 15 years. Arguments were had and unsurprisingly I came out unscathed every time with zingers that my imaginary friends and strangers never saw coming.

In these opening innings I got insight into the mind in action. Like the ancient mystics described: monkey mind. One thing you notice is the repetitiveness of thoughts with the same story / reaction / feeling on repeat — thankfully some creativity was applied by the writers in my head to keep things somewhat fresh. The ongoing dialogues raged on (with the occasional reminder to focus on what I was actually there for) until the realization struck me that only a small percentage of conversations I’ve had in life have been with actual people!

These insights remained few and far between as I spent the majority of the time fidgeting in the hope that the friction created might generate enough heat to burn the place down and get out of there. Unfortunately, Ricky Martin is the only human on earth to create fire with friction from clothes so the sitting continued. Livin’ la vida loca, baby.

Day 3

The course follows a linear structure which builds up the technique with a foundation to develop awareness, concentration, and equanimity. The core pillars of Vipassana rest on awareness and equanimity, often synonymous as a form of mindfulness. It boils down to the ability to be aware of a bodily sensation (touch, feeling, emotions etc.) and not react to it. If you analyze your own life you’ll see that everything exists in a continuum of stimulus and response, much of which we’re not attuned with and react to unconsciously. String together enough of these reactions stored deep in the depths of the unconscious and you have a personality. An interesting thing to observe is when something happens, people’s response varies wildly; some are stressed to no end, while others are totally relaxed. At the surface layer you could argue we don’t have control of these responses (does free will exist?), and you may be right, but upon training the mind (what the skill of meditation is) we can at least develop a space between the stimulus and reaction.

― Viktor E. Frankl (Man’s Search for Meaning)

The first few days act as the foundation for the core technique (you guessed it, Vipassana) which started with a focus on breath. You’re instructed first to center on the passing of breath in and out of the nose before gradually moving onto the space between the tip of the nose and top of the lips. Here the goal is to be aware of each sensation as it comes up without craving (if it’s pleasant) or being aversive to it (if it is uncomfortable). What you naturally find over long periods is a whole range of feelings come into your purview, coming into awareness and at some point dissipating. Once you’re able to repeat to train this skill of observing without reacting while sitting, the idea is this slowly will train your reactiveness in day to day life.

This approach has resonated with thousands of people as there are centers all around the world. What’s amazing is it’s funded 100% by donations and all volunteer run; no participant is required to pay but if it’s within your means you’re asked to donate. The main teacher’s name is S.N Goenka who unfortunately passed away in 2013. His legacy lives on as the course still uses recorded videos to teach the theoretical elements of the technique and philosophy surrounding it. He’s a fascinating man as he started life as a successful businessman before getting severe rehabilitating headaches. He travelled the world going from doctor to doctor but couldn’t find relief. He soon after discovered Vipassana and as the story goes, alleviated the headaches and dedicated the rest of his life to spreading the practice. There are currently 225 centers on every corner of the globe.

Day 4

After making it through a few days the idea popped up that I’d figured this whole meditation thing out. Who knows maybe I’ll be levitating by the end of this? As the sessions went on I was able to consistently settle into a sit after squirming for the first fifteen minutes or so. Part of this process involved swaying back and forth which I did to get acclimatized. As I was mid sway, I got a tug on my shirt with one of the assistants politely asking me to stop moving.

At first this seemed like an innocuous request, after all I could have been distracting others. But this comment sat in my psyche as a seed before multiplying and erupting into an all out flame war in my head. “Who does this person think they are telling ME what to do?!” I took the fantasy argument outside of the meditation hall and paced around going back and forth. It finally reached peak incredulousness when I found myself imagining a scenario where I had to fight out (tooth and nail I might add) from the retreat center as, per the story in my mind, they were unwilling to hand over my belongings. In a fit of rage scenes of Rush Hour 4 played out with me kicking bystanders in the face to finally regain freedom. The number one rule is maintaining plausible believability and once the absurdness of the situation set in I started laughing. Alright, maybe I’ll give this whole Vipassana thing a shot again and even begrudgingly sit still.

This advice was actually the best thing this person could give (I thanked them at the end of the course). That evening, after this episode, we were told to engage in a “Strong Determination” sit — basically, meditate for an hour without any movements. After questioning whether I was physically capable of doing this, It turned into a transformational experience.

Everything was relatively straightforward until the last 20 mins (I MAY have peaked at the clock) when all of a sudden throbbing pain went up and down my legs. Staying true to the practice I opted not to move and just observe the pain. It became excruciating as my body started shaking with literally every fiber of my being telling me to move. Like the afternoon fit, my mind became a toddler throwing a tantrum with every profanity in existence coming to the surface. I felt like crying out of frustration yet was somehow able to hold the position. Then an incredible thing happened: the pain didn’t go away but there was a distinct separation between it and awareness. It was like inspecting the feeling of pain without being absorbed in it, analogous to being in a lab and watching something occur without being directly involved.

It was a powerful insight into the nature of existence. When something uncomfortable happens my first instinct is to change or avoid it. If anxiety or a disagreeable feeling arises I unconsciously pull up my phone as a means of distraction but as Carl Jung said, “what you resist persists.” While the feeling may be suppressed it has a habit of coming back with exponential force in the next go-around. Through dealing with feelings of direct pain I realized it wasn’t the pain that was the problem but the relationship and reaction to it. By just observing and not trying to change it, it became another sensation that eventually moved on.

Day 5

The halfway point of anything marks an interesting transition; you’ve made it through half of the goal/expedition/project yet there’s still substantial effort left to finish. Now, I would be lying if I wasn’t ecstatic that there were only 5 days left but also reestablished the intention to see this thing out. Day 5 was uneventful until the night meditation session (I seemed to have “breakthroughs” at night; put it down to being a night owl?).

While doing the technique, I scanned to the soles of my feet before feeling an uncontrollable surge of energy fire from the floor all the way to the top of my head. It was indescribable and felt like I’d been connected to either end of jumper cables with thousands of volts passing through. My heart rate shot through the roof and in the field of vision everything was vibrating, I was completely taken by whatever this was but also present to the situation. The thought quickly popped into my head: was I about to orgasm in a room full of strangers? There probably wouldn’t have been much competition for this being the most embarrassing event in my life so rest assured that because you’re seeing this text, everything and everyone was safe.

This happened a few more times in session and many more over the course, so much so that it became just another sensation to meditate with. It did illustrate something; as it was pleasant there was a moment of desire for it to happen again. Fittingly, Goenka spoke to this as the desire within life is not for external objects but the feeling that accompanies them. In this instance it was clearer than say a desire for a car as the object/feeling wasn’t abstracted away; it was after all within my body. I realized I’m addicted, like we all are, to chasing this. Be it a new phone, car, thing it’s not actually the thing we wanted but the partnering feeling. It posed the question, does feeling that temporal feeling of pleasure add to happiness or detract?

Day 6

Day 6 brought reality back into perspective. After the morning meditations and in between one of the breaks I heard what sounded like fireworks going off in the background. Now, having graced the streets of Stockton, CA during college (during those years it ranked as the 5th highest crime rate in the nation) I had become fine tuned to a ‘pop pop pop’ in the distance. Maybe there’s a shooting range close by? I mean we are in the desert after all. As we exited the next meditation session (about an hour after the sounds) a police helicopter was circling above blaring a recorded snippet over loud speaker: “Person on the ground, we’re looking for a missing person, 19 years old, black shirt & brown pants, please contact the Sheriff’s department if seen.” Twentynine Palms, the gift that keeps on giving. Noble silence was broken for a hot second when my neighbor said, “you know if I was on the run from the cops this wouldn’t be the worst place to hang out.” Thankfully, no additional guests joined our ranks.

Day 7–9

The structure of the day included 10 hours of meditation broken up by meal times and small breaks. The only structural change came in the evening where Goenka would speak for an hour or so in the recorded discourses. A comment he made in one really stuck with me. It incorporated ideas from western psychology and interestingly, quantum mechanics. Previously I’d mentioned the concept of being addicted to the feeling of something, not necessarily the *thing. *Goenka put the dagger right in the heart when he suggests the strongest addiction we have is the addiction to self.

Say we (the royal we in this case) blurt out a joke that is socially inappropriate (anyone else guilty of this? No?) and everyone not only doesn’t laugh but gives that look of “wow, he really said that.” Soon after that piercing feeling of shame envelops and I’m left replaying this until the end of time. Social psychologists call this cognitive dissonance as it goes against our own perception of who we think we are. Perhaps the software gets updated in our minds and others, and now we have the reputation of the ‘guy with the terrible jokes’. With the trait in place we now spend mental energy trying to live up to the reputation or change it. This applies to all the qualities of our personalities but yet we see it as so concrete.

In the book Moral Tribes (Joshua Greene) he runs through studies and examples showing that our test scores, temperaments, proclivities, even political leanings are dependent on the people and communities around us. Yet we assume that these traits are stable and revel in the praise when someone adores us and wallow in the depths of embarrassment when someone insults us.

The point I’m making is that the form of identity is created and maintained not only by our thoughts but the thoughts of others and is completely interdependent with them. Our identities continually brush up and are shaped by those around us and vice versa. While it may be disconcerting that our sense of self doesn’t exist in of itself, this is the nature of how the universe around us, specifically the quantum world behaves.

A book I recently read (Helgoland by Carlo Rovelli) argues that the irregularities in quantum mechanics occur because each piece of matter doesn’t exist in of itself but only has form due to its dependency to other particles (in this case quarks, the smallest known particle). In the same spirit, in Our Mathematical Universe Max Tegmark theorizes that in mathematics a number has value because of the interrelation between them. i.e two is only two because its relation between one and three. If this is the case, it would appear that everything in our universe from matters to ideas only exists because of its interdependence, not in of itself.

Which brings me to the concept of self; if the self we hold dear exists in a dependence of matter (brain & body) and thoughts (ourselves and others) does it really exist?

Day 10

Phew, finally here. Ten days of observing the mind, pondering the nature of reality and wondering when the f*** this thing is going to end. Noble silence ended on the tenth day and a change was made to the regular scheduled programming: on top of the regular technique ‘Metta’ was added. Metta is a Pali word (a language used in India from 5th century BC to the 14th century) that stands for loving kindness. When I initially saw this in my teens and early twenties I brushed it off as ‘soft’ and not relevant.

This changed when I started listening to Tim Ferriss’s podcast.Tim has been an influential figure who along with the guests and ideas introduced in his podcast, shaped how I view the mechanics of the modern world. In an episode he opened up about depression while going to college (which almost ended in him taking his own life) and how only after encountering the teaching of Metta it allowed him to move away from self loathing to acceptance and love. It softened me up to the idea but only as an intellectual curiosity.

There are two different modes of learning: knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge is what is learned in books and wisdom is hard earned, lived experience. After going through my own bout of depression, Tim’s words resonated on a deeper level. It was no longer an academic experiment to ‘love and be loved’ but one of necessity.

It was a beautiful experience on that last day as memories of my mom, dad, family, friends and random people throughout life popped in my head. I realized how incredibly lucky I’ve been to have people that have been so kind and cared about me. It’s only because of other people who have done so much in my life that I’m able to exist in this very moment.

Once I felt this on an experiential level, it felt only natural to want them to be happy and remove the suffering in their lives.

Closing

Life is tough, there’s no doubt about it. It’s a continual struggle of dealing with ups and downs, disappointment, heartbreak, loss and everything in between. One point that becomes abundantly clear is the incredible resiliency of people. It’s clear to me though, that it requires community around us and a mental hard hat and training to deal with the inevitable storms that come. An interesting point emerged in this periods of introspection: all happiness and misery comes from within. A simple point thats easy to forget.

There is immense power in that as the Stoics realized. If your condition is self contained, that means there is the power to change. It’s my belief through this experience, that meditation (in whatever flavor) is a path out of said misery. Kind of like finding the code exploit in the simulation, it provides a path to actual happiness that everyone can take advantage of regardless of background, race, or religious affiliation.

If you’re going through a hard time, I feel you. Just know a) the feeling will pass and b) there is a path through.

If you’re interested in doing this specific course, go here: www.dhamma.org. If you’ve read this far, thank you, and I hope you found this beneficial or at the very least entertaining.