I'm starting to notice something.

When people speak and I don't feel like we are on the same frequency, I get immensely bored. Especially when the subject matter they are speaking about is not interesting to me. I'm not particularly proud of it and it's something that I want to improve. However, it does help me realize that there are a wide variety of people in this world, and not everyone is going to be like you. That's humbling.

The questions arising, to me at least, are these: how do you get along with those people? When you do engage a person in conversation, how do you pay attention and give them the respect they deserve without bringing the topic of conversation back onto you?

The last one in particular resonates with me quite deeply, and it's something I've been actively trying to work on. I notice at times that I will swing a conversation towards me. It's not because I'm selfish but rather because I am genuinely trying to relate to the speaker. I can see, though, that the speaker is trying to tell me something about themselves, and I can understand how they would perceive me as a selfish person who is trying to hog the spotlight.

One way I've learned to mitigate this bad behavior (at least I view it to be such) is by asking questions and actively listening. Active listening is one of those terms that gets thrown around a lot, that everyone thinks that they do, and no one can seem to get to an agreed-upon definition. For the sake of this piece though, let's use the Oxford definition of "active listening":

the practice of engaging closely with what a speaker is saying and indicating understanding, typically by asking relevant questions, using gestures, and summarizing.

It seems like a relatively easy thing to do, doesn't it? So why is it so hard?

I have a theory on this. I personally believe that a person who is actively listening but finds it difficult to not derail the conversation unto themselves really is trying to do these things because they genuinely want to relate to the speaker but don't know how. We tend to ask questions to get answers that we are curious to find out for ourselves, not for another person to explore for themselves. I've always held the belief that anyone who have any issues between them are able to resolve their differences over a beer or a cup of coffee. The reason I believe this is because the way that would happen is if both parties are 1. genuinely listening to the other person's point of view, but, more importantly, 2. because they have to give the other person the floor in order to do so.

A listener selflessly giving someone else an opportunity to explain their point of view puts the listener in a position to take a step back and become the passive party in a conversation. It puts themselves on the back ropes, in order to utilize a boxing term here. The listener, being in such a position, must analyze the outputs coming from the other party. In order to make sure that the speaker is respected, heard, and appropriately responded to, the listener needs to take their words, analyze it, and choose an appropriate response.

And sometimes, the appropriate response is no response at all.

That's all I have for today. Let's get after it today and revisit our thoughts tomorrow.

Vivek

I'm starting to notice something.

When people speak and I don't feel like we are on the same frequency, I get immensely bored. Especially when the subject matter they are speaking about is not interesting to me. I'm not particularly proud of it and it's something that I want to improve. However, it does help me realize that there are a wide variety of people in this world, and not everyone is going to be like you. That's humbling.

The questions arising, to me at least, are these: how do you get along with those people? When you do engage a person in conversation, how do you pay attention and give them the respect they deserve without bringing the topic of conversation back onto you?

The last one in particular resonates with me quite deeply, and it's something I've been actively trying to work on. I notice at times that I will swing a conversation towards me. It's not because I'm selfish but rather because I am genuinely trying to relate to the speaker. I can see, though, that the speaker is trying to tell me something about themselves, and I can understand how they would perceive me as a selfish person who is trying to hog the spotlight.

One way I've learned to mitigate this bad behavior (at least I view it to be such) is by asking questions and actively listening. Active listening is one of those terms that gets thrown around a lot, that everyone thinks that they do, and no one can seem to get to an agreed-upon definition. For the sake of this piece though, let's use the Oxford definition of "active listening":

the practice of engaging closely with what a speaker is saying and indicating understanding, typically by asking relevant questions, using gestures, and summarizing.

It seems like a relatively easy thing to do, doesn't it? So why is it so hard?

I have a theory on this. I personally believe that a person who is actively listening but finds it difficult to not derail the conversation unto themselves really is trying to do these things because they genuinely want to relate to the speaker but don't know how. We tend to ask questions to get answers that we are curious to find out for ourselves, not for another person to explore for themselves. I've always held the belief that anyone who have any issues between them are able to resolve their differences over a beer or a cup of coffee. The reason I believe this is because the way that would happen is if both parties are 1. genuinely listening to the other person's point of view, but, more importantly, 2. because they have to give the other person the floor in order to do so.

A listener selflessly giving someone else an opportunity to explain their point of view puts the listener in a position to take a step back and become the passive party in a conversation. It puts themselves on the back ropes, in order to utilize a boxing term here. The listener, being in such a position, must analyze the outputs coming from the other party. In order to make sure that the speaker is respected, heard, and appropriately responded to, the listener needs to take their words, analyze it, and choose an appropriate response.

And sometimes, the appropriate response is no response at all.

That's all I have for today. Let's get after it today and revisit our thoughts tomorrow.

Vivek