In the crypto industry, almost everyone has to deal with venture capital (VC) firms at some point. Some VCs are indeed a “timely rain,” but most of the time, that’s not the case. Here’s a practical guide to help you identify and vet VC firms.

Note: This article is purely satirical and does not target any specific VC firm. If you feel offended, you might fall into categories 1-9.

They preach about building “real value” while dumping their tokens immediately after the lock-up period ends. What they really mean is, “We don’t support airdrops for you, but we’re happy to collect our own.” These are the same people who will lecture you about token economics even when their own portfolio has shrunk by 80%. The first rule of the VC dumping club is: don’t talk about yourself.

They invested $50,000 and now try to recoup that money by forcing you to hire their “cousin’s” marketing agency for $60,000. The agency has only three clients: you and two other portfolio companies from the same VC. What’s their marketing strategy? Buying paid tweets from influencers.

They haven’t updated their investment themes since 2021. During your pitch, they talk about “Web3 social” and “metaverse infrastructure” while frantically Googling “What is TEE technology?” But if your business plan mentions “AI,” they’ll definitely invest.

They spend three weeks conducting an in-depth study of your project, make you fill out 17 forms, introduce you to their entire team, and then disappear when it’s time to wire the money. Six months later, they congratulate you on Twitter for raising money from someone else.

They entered the crypto space in 2022 but never forget to mention their Goldman Sachs experience. They might be in the crypto community now, but they still flaunt their LinkedIn history. Their entire added value lies in “professional email templates” and “best practices for equity structure.” They’ve never used a hardware wallet and ask what gas fees are.

They’ve ignored your pitch for months until they see another VC mention your space on Twitter. Suddenly, they DM you for an “urgent call.” They offer terrible terms and a 24-hour deadline. Even if you accept, they’ll take three weeks to send you the paperwork.

They watched a CNBC interview with Cathie Wood, who said BTC would hit $1.5 million by 2030—and suddenly they’re constantly reiterating that they’re “focused on the long term” and “aligned with the founders’ five-year vision.” But if there’s a 30% drop, they’ll panic-sell and blame “market conditions” that are “beyond anyone’s control.” Still, they want a board seat.

They’ve never launched a product but have 50,000 followers, accumulated entirely by regurgitating others’ ideas. Their pinned tweet is about “builder culture,” yet they’ve never built anything themselves. They offer to “consult for you” in exchange for 2% of your project’s tokens. Their advice usually is, “Have you tried getting an anonymous Twitter influencer to talk about it?”

Investing in your seed round feels like they’re doing you a favor, but then they demand privileges of Series B funding. They ask for daily updates, board control, and direct contact with your dev team. They might even message you at 11 p.m. on a Sunday: “Answer now—when is the ‘Lamborghini’ going public?”

They ask the right technical questions. They’ve been through multiple cycles. They won’t waste your time. The value they bring goes far beyond funding. They understand your vision because they’re in it themselves.

They’re like unicorns—you thought they didn’t exist, but once you find one, you’ll never settle for anything else.

Don’t compromise when choosing who to let invest in your project. The right partner is not only key to success but also to saying, “We’re pivoting to an AI-powered Web3 social layer for DeFi users in six months” (VCs bring more than just money).

In the crypto industry, almost everyone has to deal with venture capital (VC) firms at some point. Some VCs are indeed a “timely rain,” but most of the time, that’s not the case. Here’s a practical guide to help you identify and vet VC firms.

Note: This article is purely satirical and does not target any specific VC firm. If you feel offended, you might fall into categories 1-9.

They preach about building “real value” while dumping their tokens immediately after the lock-up period ends. What they really mean is, “We don’t support airdrops for you, but we’re happy to collect our own.” These are the same people who will lecture you about token economics even when their own portfolio has shrunk by 80%. The first rule of the VC dumping club is: don’t talk about yourself.

They invested $50,000 and now try to recoup that money by forcing you to hire their “cousin’s” marketing agency for $60,000. The agency has only three clients: you and two other portfolio companies from the same VC. What’s their marketing strategy? Buying paid tweets from influencers.

They haven’t updated their investment themes since 2021. During your pitch, they talk about “Web3 social” and “metaverse infrastructure” while frantically Googling “What is TEE technology?” But if your business plan mentions “AI,” they’ll definitely invest.

They spend three weeks conducting an in-depth study of your project, make you fill out 17 forms, introduce you to their entire team, and then disappear when it’s time to wire the money. Six months later, they congratulate you on Twitter for raising money from someone else.

They entered the crypto space in 2022 but never forget to mention their Goldman Sachs experience. They might be in the crypto community now, but they still flaunt their LinkedIn history. Their entire added value lies in “professional email templates” and “best practices for equity structure.” They’ve never used a hardware wallet and ask what gas fees are.

They’ve ignored your pitch for months until they see another VC mention your space on Twitter. Suddenly, they DM you for an “urgent call.” They offer terrible terms and a 24-hour deadline. Even if you accept, they’ll take three weeks to send you the paperwork.

They watched a CNBC interview with Cathie Wood, who said BTC would hit $1.5 million by 2030—and suddenly they’re constantly reiterating that they’re “focused on the long term” and “aligned with the founders’ five-year vision.” But if there’s a 30% drop, they’ll panic-sell and blame “market conditions” that are “beyond anyone’s control.” Still, they want a board seat.

They’ve never launched a product but have 50,000 followers, accumulated entirely by regurgitating others’ ideas. Their pinned tweet is about “builder culture,” yet they’ve never built anything themselves. They offer to “consult for you” in exchange for 2% of your project’s tokens. Their advice usually is, “Have you tried getting an anonymous Twitter influencer to talk about it?”

Investing in your seed round feels like they’re doing you a favor, but then they demand privileges of Series B funding. They ask for daily updates, board control, and direct contact with your dev team. They might even message you at 11 p.m. on a Sunday: “Answer now—when is the ‘Lamborghini’ going public?”

They ask the right technical questions. They’ve been through multiple cycles. They won’t waste your time. The value they bring goes far beyond funding. They understand your vision because they’re in it themselves.

They’re like unicorns—you thought they didn’t exist, but once you find one, you’ll never settle for anything else.

Don’t compromise when choosing who to let invest in your project. The right partner is not only key to success but also to saying, “We’re pivoting to an AI-powered Web3 social layer for DeFi users in six months” (VCs bring more than just money).