Congratulations

You are human. This means you already possess one very important life skill: breathing.

You’ve been doing it since birth without reading a single instruction manual, which is impressive, considering humans need tutorials for almost everything else, but this is an advanced course

But just in case you’ve ever wondered how to properly breathe in oxygen and return carbon dioxide like a pro and responsible citizen of Earth, this article is for you.

Step 1: Inhale Oxygen (A.K.A. “Collect Free Air”)

Oxygen is everywhere.

It’s free.

It’s unlimited.

And somehow, humans still forget to breathe properly when stressed.

To inhale:

1. Locate your nose or mouth (whichever is not currently blocked).

2. Pull air inside your body.

3. Do not panic…..this is not stealing. Oxygen is meant to be borrowed.

As the air enters, your lungs act like two polite sponges, soaking up the oxygen and saying,

“Ah yes, this will help us stay alive today.”

Step 2: Oxygen Goes to Work (No Salary Required)

Once inside, oxygen gets sent to your blood, then to your organs, muscles, and brain.

This is why:

• You can think

• You can walk

• You can scroll endlessly on your phone

Without oxygen, your body would immediately file a complaint.

Step 3: Exhale Carbon Dioxide (Please Return What You Don’t Need)

After oxygen finishes its job, it leaves behind carbon dioxide, the body’s version of trash.

To exhale:

1. Push the air out of your lungs.

2. Release carbon dioxide back into the world.

3. Trees will happily collect it. (They are the real MVPs 🌳)

This step is important.

Keeping carbon dioxide inside is like refusing to take out the trash, it will cause serious problems and zero good vibes.

Common Breathing Mistakes Humans Make

Holding breath during stress

Forgetting to breathe while concentrating

Breathing only when they remember

Acting surprised that breathing helps calm them down

Pro tip:

If you’re alive and reading this, breathe regularly. It’s not optional.

Advanced Human Breathing Tips

• Breathe in through your nose (filters dust, looks professional)

• Breathe out slowly (relaxes your body)

• Repeat for the rest of your life

Side effects include:

Staying alive

Thinking clearly

Reduced stress

Continued existence

My Final Thoughts

Breathing is simple:

• Inhale oxygen

• Exhale carbon dioxide

• Repeat forever

You don’t need Wi-Fi.

You don’t need money.

You don’t need motivation.

Just breathe and congratulations again on being a functioning human being 😌

Congratulations

You are human. This means you already possess one very important life skill: breathing.

You’ve been doing it since birth without reading a single instruction manual, which is impressive, considering humans need tutorials for almost everything else, but this is an advanced course

But just in case you’ve ever wondered how to properly breathe in oxygen and return carbon dioxide like a pro and responsible citizen of Earth, this article is for you.

Step 1: Inhale Oxygen (A.K.A. “Collect Free Air”)

Oxygen is everywhere.

It’s free.

It’s unlimited.

And somehow, humans still forget to breathe properly when stressed.

To inhale:

1. Locate your nose or mouth (whichever is not currently blocked).

2. Pull air inside your body.

3. Do not panic…..this is not stealing. Oxygen is meant to be borrowed.

As the air enters, your lungs act like two polite sponges, soaking up the oxygen and saying,

“Ah yes, this will help us stay alive today.”

Step 2: Oxygen Goes to Work (No Salary Required)

Once inside, oxygen gets sent to your blood, then to your organs, muscles, and brain.

This is why:

• You can think

• You can walk

• You can scroll endlessly on your phone

Without oxygen, your body would immediately file a complaint.

Step 3: Exhale Carbon Dioxide (Please Return What You Don’t Need)

After oxygen finishes its job, it leaves behind carbon dioxide, the body’s version of trash.

To exhale:

1. Push the air out of your lungs.

2. Release carbon dioxide back into the world.

3. Trees will happily collect it. (They are the real MVPs 🌳)

This step is important.

Keeping carbon dioxide inside is like refusing to take out the trash, it will cause serious problems and zero good vibes.

Common Breathing Mistakes Humans Make

Holding breath during stress

Forgetting to breathe while concentrating

Breathing only when they remember

Acting surprised that breathing helps calm them down

Pro tip:

If you’re alive and reading this, breathe regularly. It’s not optional.

Advanced Human Breathing Tips

• Breathe in through your nose (filters dust, looks professional)

• Breathe out slowly (relaxes your body)

• Repeat for the rest of your life

Side effects include:

Staying alive

Thinking clearly

Reduced stress

Continued existence

My Final Thoughts

Breathing is simple:

• Inhale oxygen

• Exhale carbon dioxide

• Repeat forever

You don’t need Wi-Fi.

You don’t need money.

You don’t need motivation.

Just breathe and congratulations again on being a functioning human being 😌