I’m just an average guy from Australia, but I’ve always been an advocate for standing up against abuse. Growing up, my father taught me that you don’t hit girls, and as I got older, I learned that violence isn’t the answer in any situation — not even with other men. This belief shaped my early years and led me to look out for women who were being harassed at clubs or pubs. Throughout my life, many of my friends have been women, and I’ve always listened to their experiences, which has deepened my understanding of the challenges they face.

I’ve also been on the receiving end of domestic violence in two significant relationships. My first marriage, though short, escalated from emotional to physical abuse. Years later, I found myself in a far more severe situation with my son’s mother, which left me as a single father. These experiences, along with listening to the voices of women who share their stories on social media, have driven me to speak out, share my experiences, and help others become more informed about the realities of abuse. Unmasking abuse so people can recognise it earlier.

Over time, I’ve noticed that many abusers follow a similar, predictable pattern — almost as if they’re reading from the same playbook. They’re not as smart as they think, and their tactics become obvious once you know what to look for. That’s why I’m writing these articles and hosting Zoom calls — to help people spot the early red flags, understand the escalation of abuse, and recognise the manipulation that continues even after someone tries to leave.

I want to arm survivors and their supporters with the knowledge to see through these tactics and take action before it’s too late. My ultimate goal is to compile these insights into a book — because while the abuse may take different forms, the abuser’s methods are often shockingly similar. Together, we can expose their playbook and support those who need it most.

Domestic violence (DV) is more than just physical harm. It encompasses various forms of abuse, each designed to control the victim in different ways. From emotional manipulation to financial control, the methods abusers use can vary, but their goal remains the same: power and dominance. In this article, we’ll explore the different types of abuse victims face, and introduce the idea that many abusers follow similar, predictable patterns of behavior.

Abuse takes on many forms, each affecting the victim in unique but devastating ways. Recognizing these types of abuse is the first step toward breaking free from their cycle. Here are the most common forms of domestic abuse:

1. Physical Abuse Physical violence is often the most visible form of abuse and includes hitting, kicking, pushing, or any act intended to cause physical harm. However, it can also include actions like blocking someone’s exit or restraining them against their will.

Example: An abuser slapping their partner but dismissing it as “just a one-time thing.”

2. Emotional and Psychological Abuse This form of abuse involves constant belittling, humiliation, threats, and verbal attacks. Psychological manipulation, including gaslighting, undermines the victim’s sense of reality, making them question their own thoughts, feelings, and perceptions.

Example: Telling the victim they’re “overreacting” or “crazy” when they express concerns about the abuser’s behavior.

3. Financial Abuse By controlling finances, abusers can limit the victim’s independence. This includes restricting access to bank accounts, preventing the victim from working, or controlling every aspect of the household budget.

Example: The abuser gives a minimal allowance to their partner, forcing them to ask for basic necessities.

4. Sexual Abuse Sexual abuse includes forcing or coercing sexual acts, often as a way to assert power. It can also involve manipulating reproductive rights, like sabotaging contraception to control the victim’s choices.

Example: Coercing a partner into sex under threat of violence or emotional punishment. Threatening to go outside the relationship if denied sex.

5. Social Abuse (Isolation) Abusers frequently isolate victims from friends, family, and support networks. This isolation makes the victim more dependent on the abuser and less likely to seek help.

Example: Convincing the victim that their friends and family are against them or don’t care about their well-being.

6. Digital Abuse In the modern era, abusers use technology to stalk, harass, or control their victims. This includes monitoring phone calls, social media activity, or tracking the victim’s location.

Example: Constantly checking the victim’s social media and demanding access to all their online accounts.

Although the methods of abuse may differ, many abusers follow a disturbingly predictable pattern. Their behavior often aligns with what’s called the “cycle of abuse,” a repetitive process that keeps victims trapped and controlled.

The Cycle of Abuse: A Predictable Path

Stage 1: Idealization (Love Bombing)

At the beginning of the relationship, the abuser showers the victim with affection, attention, and promises of a bright future. This “honeymoon” phase creates a deep bond and emotional dependency. The abuser often portrays the perfect partner — someone who seems to fulfill the victim’s deepest desires and needs. This creates a powerful emotional attachment and sets the stage for future manipulation.

The Mask Slips: Mourning the Illusion

While it’s normal for people to put their best face forward early in a relationship, abusers go beyond this, creating an extreme version of the partner they believe the victim wants. Once the relationship progresses — often after the first few months of living together — this false persona starts to fade, and the real, controlling nature of the abuser emerges. The victim is left longing for the partner they thought they had, trying to “fix” or return to that idealized version, not realizing that it was an illusion all along. What they mourn is not the person, but the idea of the relationship they were promised — a dream that never truly existed.

Stage 2: Devaluation

Once the abuser feels secure in the relationship, they begin to criticize and belittle the victim. The victim is made to feel as though they can never live up to the abuser’s expectations, which keeps them off balance and more easily controlled.

Stage 3: Control, Isolation, and Manipulation

As the relationship progresses, the abuser tightens their grip. They begin to control the victim’s movements, finances, and relationships. Isolation from friends and family makes it increasingly difficult for the victim to seek help or gain perspective from outsiders.

In this stage, abusers often ramp up their manipulation, provoking what’s known as reactive abuse. They intentionally push the victim to an emotional breaking point — whether through relentless criticism, gaslighting, or other forms of psychological abuse. The goal is to provoke the victim into lashing out in a moment of frustration or distress. When the victim reacts — perhaps by yelling or even pushing back — the abuser seizes this moment, isolating it from the context of ongoing abuse, and then pointing it out to friends, family, or authorities as evidence of the victim’s instability or “craziness.”

This tactic is part of a larger strategy known as DARVO:

• Deny the abuse,

• Attack the victim’s credibility, and

• Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender.

By painting themselves as the victim, the abuser shifts blame, further isolating the real victim from their support system. This confusion makes it even harder for the victim to recognize the truth of their situation or for others to offer help.

Stage 4: Escalation (The Crisis)

Abuse escalates to more intense forms — this may be physical violence, severe emotional abuse, or other coercive behaviors. The abuser frames their actions as justified, often blaming the victim for the escalation.

Stage 5: Reconciliation (Honeymoon Phase)

After an abusive incident, the abuser apologizes, promises to change, or manipulates the victim into believing that they are responsible for the abuser’s actions. This temporary peace lulls the victim into staying, as they hope for a return to the loving behavior they experienced during the idealization phase.

Understanding these predictable steps is crucial. When victims can recognize the signs of abuse early, they can begin to see the broader pattern and take steps to protect themselves. By exposing these tactics, we empower victims to recognize the dangerous cycle they are in and seek help before it escalates further.

Abuse is not always obvious, but by recognizing its different forms and understanding the abuser’s predictable patterns, we can bring light to hidden abuses. This awareness is the first step toward breaking free and finding safety.

In our next article, we will explore how to identify red flags before abuse escalates, helping others recognize the warning signs early on. We’ll also discuss steps you can take to protect yourself at each stage.

I have a public group on Facebook, as well as a private group. Anyone is free to join the public group where we can discuss any questions either amongst the community or with myself. 

Follow me at Be Strong — Coaching.

Private Group at Be Strong - Community.

There will be absolutely no sales talk whatsoever. The articles and the private group are part of the free resources I am developing because I believe these important subjects have been kept in the dark for far too long.

Written by JD in The Abusers Playbook,