Let’s drop the pleasantries and get to the point: The Bible? Just a remix of astrology, baby. You heard me. All those stories, prophecies, and divine revelations? A glorified cosmic horoscope dressed up in holy robes. But hey, humanity loves a good costume party, right?

Genesis 1:14 kicks it off: “Let there be lights in the heavens... and let them be for signs and seasons.” Signs, people! Not just twinkling dots for decoration. Those lights have been giving humanity directions since the dawn of time, and they weren’t pointing to the nearest synagogue or church. They were pointing to the Zodiac. Astrology wasn’t some New Age hippie invention; it’s the OG. The oldest religion, long before Abraham got a wild hair and decided to start a family feud that’s been running for millennia.

Job 38:33 takes it further: God flexes about the “laws of the heavens” like He’s talking down to us peasants. And guess what? The “Mazzaroth” mentioned here is just a fancy word for the Zodiac. Yep, even God is dropping astrology references. He basically said, “You think you know how this place works? Look up, pious one, the answers are in the stars.”

And don’t even get me started on the number 12. Twelve tribes of Israel, twelve apostles, twelve months, twelve zodiac signs—it’s like they couldn’t come up with another number. The whole damn book is a celestial math problem, and we’re too busy arguing about it to realize it’s right there in our face. Every tribe, every apostle, all synced up with the stars like some cosmic bingo card. A little side note for all those who got so riled up at the “Last Olympics.” Look closely at Da Vinci’s masterpiece, to the right of Jesus is a woman…”Virgo.” It’s all astrology baby.

Then we get to the poster boy himself—Jesus. The “Son of God”? Try **Sun** of God. Born around December 25th—just after the winter solstice when the sun finally starts dragging itself out of the underworld. Literally doesn’t move for three days! Resurrection? Spring equinox, baby—light beats darkness, sun rises from the dead. Twelve disciples? More like the sun hanging out with its zodiac groupies as it travels through the year. Jesus didn’t need to read palms or deal tarot—he was walking astrology.

And those “wise men”? Please. They weren’t following their intuition or some divine whisper—they were following a damn star. The ancients knew how to read the sky like we read social media posts. Astrology was the universal language, and these guys were fluent.

Fact check: The Bible isn’t some divinely inspired moral handbook; it’s an astrological text that got hijacked by power-hungry control freaks. And guess what? It worked. For centuries, the Abrahamic religions have been holding the world hostage with their self-righteous pissing contests. Wars, crusades, holy land disputes—it’s all just a cosmic misunderstanding dressed up as divine destiny.

Meanwhile, the Zodiac’s been quietly doing its job, as it always has, long before humans decided to declare holy war over who’s got the right god. Across every ancient culture, the Zodiac has been the true religion. Sumerians, Egyptians, Mayans—they all looked to the stars because they knew the truth: The cosmos doesn’t care about your tribal squabbles. It’s been running the show since day one.

So here’s the bottom line: The stars don’t give a damn about your holy wars. The Abrahamic religions? They need to take a seat. The world’s been tearing itself apart over a cosmic soap opera that’s been misinterpreted for millennia. It’s time to grow up, look up, and realize the universe has always been talking to us. But instead of listening, we’ve been too busy stabbing each other in the name of God.

If that rubs you the wrong way, tough shit. Maybe it’s time humanity stopped using holy texts as an excuse for violence and started paying attention to the stars. The Zodiac doesn’t preach—it just **is**. And that’s the kind of truth we desperately need