One of my greatest strengths- discipline of execution--is also one of my greatest weaknesses. When I have a plan, I almost always stick to it, with an intense ferocity inspired by the efficiency of the Swiss Rail system. But…on those days when, for some reason, the schedule is seriously impacted, well, then, I suffer from a kind of “rigidity reflux.” It’s almost like there’s a mischievous, rebellious kid inside me who said “hey, the teacher’s not looking…you can do whatever you want.” Then, t...

One of my greatest strengths- discipline of execution--is also one of my greatest weaknesses. When I have a plan, I almost always stick to it, with an intense ferocity inspired by the efficiency of the Swiss Rail system. But…on those days when, for some reason, the schedule is seriously impacted, well, then, I suffer from a kind of “rigidity reflux.” It’s almost like there’s a mischievous, rebellious kid inside me who said “hey, the teacher’s not looking…you can do whatever you want.” Then, t...

One of the most powerful scenes in the movie Amistad is this one. It’s where the African leader of the group of slaves says that he is “bringing the power of his ancestors” into the courtroom because, at this moment, he is the reason for their entire existence. Regardless of how we feel about our ancestors, the undeniable fact is that we owe them our existence. Biologically speaking and DNA-wise, we are they and they are us. In and of itself, that’s a pretty powerful concept, but it doesn’t c...

One of the most powerful scenes in the movie Amistad is this one. It’s where the African leader of the group of slaves says that he is “bringing the power of his ancestors” into the courtroom because, at this moment, he is the reason for their entire existence. Regardless of how we feel about our ancestors, the undeniable fact is that we owe them our existence. Biologically speaking and DNA-wise, we are they and they are us. In and of itself, that’s a pretty powerful concept, but it doesn’t c...

One of the forces, the “shadows,” that has an outsized impact on my mentality is that of “scarcity.” Food, money, time…the feeling that, one day, I (possibly) or definitely won’t have enough of it shoots a streak of anxiety that hits me in my stomach, my shoulders, and my eyebrows. It impacts my outlook and, I’m sad to say, leads to either outright selfish behavior or a self-centered tendency that requires effort to overcome. I have a sense of the source of this shadow and its origin makes se...

One of the forces, the “shadows,” that has an outsized impact on my mentality is that of “scarcity.” Food, money, time…the feeling that, one day, I (possibly) or definitely won’t have enough of it shoots a streak of anxiety that hits me in my stomach, my shoulders, and my eyebrows. It impacts my outlook and, I’m sad to say, leads to either outright selfish behavior or a self-centered tendency that requires effort to overcome. I have a sense of the source of this shadow and its origin makes se...

Historically, when I felt a pang somewhere in my body about a loss of some sort, my reaction was “Toughen up. Deal.” There are times, particularly in the midst of a crisis moment, where that skill is incredibly valuable. Most times, however, it’s just a way to bury emotion, shunt it away, and never deal with it. Never allow for the pain of the moment to be experienced. I used to think that this was what I was “supposed” to do, particularly as a man in our contemporary society. Now, however, w...

Historically, when I felt a pang somewhere in my body about a loss of some sort, my reaction was “Toughen up. Deal.” There are times, particularly in the midst of a crisis moment, where that skill is incredibly valuable. Most times, however, it’s just a way to bury emotion, shunt it away, and never deal with it. Never allow for the pain of the moment to be experienced. I used to think that this was what I was “supposed” to do, particularly as a man in our contemporary society. Now, however, w...

A friend asked, “if you are able to remove all the concrete layers that form your identity, well, then, who are you?” I’ve been feeling the weight of this question, mostly in my shoulders, where (I sense) the weight of the idea of “identity” sits for me primarily. All of the answers to “I’m the type of guy who does X” seem to reside there. But, then I contemplated the ideas of “what if there is no spoon?” “What if there is no mountain?” “What if there is no self?” At first glance, that’s ridi...

A friend asked, “if you are able to remove all the concrete layers that form your identity, well, then, who are you?” I’ve been feeling the weight of this question, mostly in my shoulders, where (I sense) the weight of the idea of “identity” sits for me primarily. All of the answers to “I’m the type of guy who does X” seem to reside there. But, then I contemplated the ideas of “what if there is no spoon?” “What if there is no mountain?” “What if there is no self?” At first glance, that’s ridi...

What if the layers of imagined concrete walls that we’ve laid down over the years and termed “identity” aren’t really walls? When the Buddhists say, “there is no mountain,” what they are saying, I think, is that “whatever we see is the result of our perception.” And perception can be altered. So, those barriers that are preventing you and me from being our “true, authentic selves” aren’t real barriers. They are imagined. They don’t need to be destroyed, knocked down, or chipped away at over t...

What if the layers of imagined concrete walls that we’ve laid down over the years and termed “identity” aren’t really walls? When the Buddhists say, “there is no mountain,” what they are saying, I think, is that “whatever we see is the result of our perception.” And perception can be altered. So, those barriers that are preventing you and me from being our “true, authentic selves” aren’t real barriers. They are imagined. They don’t need to be destroyed, knocked down, or chipped away at over t...

In yoga, they talk of the “journey of the self through the self to the self.” The Buddhists talk of the “face before you were born.” I imagine that all of us have layers upon layers of concentric concrete walls that surround our “true selves” or our “faces before we were born.” A part of our lives is having these layers installed. By our parents and families of origin. By society. By the things that influence us along the way. Each wall adds to what we think of as “identity.” But each wall al...

In yoga, they talk of the “journey of the self through the self to the self.” The Buddhists talk of the “face before you were born.” I imagine that all of us have layers upon layers of concentric concrete walls that surround our “true selves” or our “faces before we were born.” A part of our lives is having these layers installed. By our parents and families of origin. By society. By the things that influence us along the way. Each wall adds to what we think of as “identity.” But each wall al...

Or maybe it’s really a fear of the ultimate question: “when and how will I die?” I feel a sensation in my shoulders, my arms, and my stomach. Then, I feel a shiver, like the cold of the slopes of Kilimanjaro. It feels familiar. I’ve been here before. I sit with it, feel it, notice it, but then, of course, I start to name it, identify it, categorize it. It’s an anxiety about the future. It’s a regret about the past. What’s underneath? We want certainty, but the only certainty is uncertainty. O...

Or maybe it’s really a fear of the ultimate question: “when and how will I die?” I feel a sensation in my shoulders, my arms, and my stomach. Then, I feel a shiver, like the cold of the slopes of Kilimanjaro. It feels familiar. I’ve been here before. I sit with it, feel it, notice it, but then, of course, I start to name it, identify it, categorize it. It’s an anxiety about the future. It’s a regret about the past. What’s underneath? We want certainty, but the only certainty is uncertainty. O...

You know how when you don’t want that next cookie, brownie, or scoop of ice cream, but you find yourself reaching for it anyway? It’s like an out of body experience. One version of you is “watching” the other version of you “doing.” And the “doing” one just keeps winning. Addicts know what this is about. But I suspect we all do. There are loops that JUST KEEP playing out in our lives. Trying to break them takes so much work. It’s tiring. And the deeper the loop, the more work, the more frustr...

You know how when you don’t want that next cookie, brownie, or scoop of ice cream, but you find yourself reaching for it anyway? It’s like an out of body experience. One version of you is “watching” the other version of you “doing.” And the “doing” one just keeps winning. Addicts know what this is about. But I suspect we all do. There are loops that JUST KEEP playing out in our lives. Trying to break them takes so much work. It’s tiring. And the deeper the loop, the more work, the more frustr...

I feel a sensation. I try to recognize what emotion it is and I try to sit with it. But almost immediately, I start to name it, to categorize it, to explore it intellectually. I recognize the “spiritual intellectual” shadow at work. I hear the Dao De Jing, “The Dao that can be told is not the eternal Dao. The name that can be named is not the eternal name.” I know there’s a better way. Then I hear the “drill sergeant” shadow yelling at me, “You’re supposed to just with it! Don’t name it, damm...

I feel a sensation. I try to recognize what emotion it is and I try to sit with it. But almost immediately, I start to name it, to categorize it, to explore it intellectually. I recognize the “spiritual intellectual” shadow at work. I hear the Dao De Jing, “The Dao that can be told is not the eternal Dao. The name that can be named is not the eternal name.” I know there’s a better way. Then I hear the “drill sergeant” shadow yelling at me, “You’re supposed to just with it! Don’t name it, damm...

I feel a tightness in my chest, across the front, extending down my arms into my hands. That’s the anger. I feel a heaviness in my stomach, like an expanding balloon or a mini bowling ball. That’s the sadness. I feel a hole in my sternum. That’s the regret and the remorse. But why are they there? What’s underneath? Hiding beneath them all somehow, I think, but I don’t know, is a shame. Or maybe it’s just a fear of shame. It’s like a scene in the movie when the actor (and the audience) senses ...

I feel a tightness in my chest, across the front, extending down my arms into my hands. That’s the anger. I feel a heaviness in my stomach, like an expanding balloon or a mini bowling ball. That’s the sadness. I feel a hole in my sternum. That’s the regret and the remorse. But why are they there? What’s underneath? Hiding beneath them all somehow, I think, but I don’t know, is a shame. Or maybe it’s just a fear of shame. It’s like a scene in the movie when the actor (and the audience) senses ...

It’s kind of like when you try to keep a ball under water. The ball presses up against your hands and you have to work to keep it below. The ball is my heart. When the pang of yearning or regret or sadness, I feel it there. But my learned response is: keep that ball under water. Don’t let it emerge or you “lose the game.” It’s a similar experience in my shoulders when I sense or receive criticism, either internal or external. They tighten. They brace. They feel heavy. I can tell that these do...

It’s kind of like when you try to keep a ball under water. The ball presses up against your hands and you have to work to keep it below. The ball is my heart. When the pang of yearning or regret or sadness, I feel it there. But my learned response is: keep that ball under water. Don’t let it emerge or you “lose the game.” It’s a similar experience in my shoulders when I sense or receive criticism, either internal or external. They tighten. They brace. They feel heavy. I can tell that these do...