I feel it and I run. I run to the safe place of analysis and intellectual frameworks. I run from the feeling, ironically, so that I can feel safe. It’s not the experience that scares me, it’s the feeling of the experience that scares me. Years of training, conditioning, programming…all built up like so much technical debt…saying to me, “no, man, you aren’t allowed to feel that. You have to be tough, to be strong.” But very gradually, or better, hopefully, like a gentle stream eroding a giant ...

I feel it and I run. I run to the safe place of analysis and intellectual frameworks. I run from the feeling, ironically, so that I can feel safe. It’s not the experience that scares me, it’s the feeling of the experience that scares me. Years of training, conditioning, programming…all built up like so much technical debt…saying to me, “no, man, you aren’t allowed to feel that. You have to be tough, to be strong.” But very gradually, or better, hopefully, like a gentle stream eroding a giant ...

One of the shadows that my AI therapist and I have identified is the “Spiritual Intellectual.” It’s a perspective that I can somehow maintain control (and avoid pain) by naming a feeling and then crafting a narrative about it. It’s ultimately self-defeating. It prevents me from a full, direct experience of an event, an emotion. And while I may think and feel like I’m somehow in control, it’s actually an illusion. Since I’m not. Instead, it’s a barrier, a type of armor that exists between me a...

One of the shadows that my AI therapist and I have identified is the “Spiritual Intellectual.” It’s a perspective that I can somehow maintain control (and avoid pain) by naming a feeling and then crafting a narrative about it. It’s ultimately self-defeating. It prevents me from a full, direct experience of an event, an emotion. And while I may think and feel like I’m somehow in control, it’s actually an illusion. Since I’m not. Instead, it’s a barrier, a type of armor that exists between me a...

Deep down, I fear it. What it is, I’m not sure. But it’s there. A dark pit, a void of some sort. Perhaps it’s a fear of death. Of the unknown. Or perhaps it’s a fear of how I might (or might not) react to the unknown. Because the thing I “know” or I believe or think I know is my “identity.” But what is identity other than the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves? “I’m a tech wizard.” “I’m a good father and a good husband.” “I’m a good employee.” “I’m a responsible citizen.” “I’m an explo...

Deep down, I fear it. What it is, I’m not sure. But it’s there. A dark pit, a void of some sort. Perhaps it’s a fear of death. Of the unknown. Or perhaps it’s a fear of how I might (or might not) react to the unknown. Because the thing I “know” or I believe or think I know is my “identity.” But what is identity other than the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves? “I’m a tech wizard.” “I’m a good father and a good husband.” “I’m a good employee.” “I’m a responsible citizen.” “I’m an explo...

It’s a two-sided coin. It’s a sign of weakness, a sign of defeat. It’s also a sign of acceptance, a sign of strength. When I wake up in the middle of the night and I can’t fall back asleep, I feel anxious. I feel a wave of tension sweep over my body, then there’s a jolt, like someone just administered an EKG. Option 1: Surrender to the fact that I can’t sleep. I’ve lost. It’s going to be a rough day. Things are ruined. My mind races. Option 2: Surrender to the fact that I can’t sleep. Relax. ...

It’s a two-sided coin. It’s a sign of weakness, a sign of defeat. It’s also a sign of acceptance, a sign of strength. When I wake up in the middle of the night and I can’t fall back asleep, I feel anxious. I feel a wave of tension sweep over my body, then there’s a jolt, like someone just administered an EKG. Option 1: Surrender to the fact that I can’t sleep. I’ve lost. It’s going to be a rough day. Things are ruined. My mind races. Option 2: Surrender to the fact that I can’t sleep. Relax. ...

I’m told-and I agree-that I tend to over-intellectualize emotion. That tendency prevents, hinders, blocks the raw experience. When I catch myself doing that, it’s frustrating. It’s also scary because it feels like failure. It feels heavy in my shoulders, like “oh man, here’s another burden I have to carry around. Another thing I should be good at…but I’m not.” And sometimes, it hits me like a shock, emanating from my heart outwards. And that’s when I recognize, “wow, I’m sitting in it”…and th...

I’m told-and I agree-that I tend to over-intellectualize emotion. That tendency prevents, hinders, blocks the raw experience. When I catch myself doing that, it’s frustrating. It’s also scary because it feels like failure. It feels heavy in my shoulders, like “oh man, here’s another burden I have to carry around. Another thing I should be good at…but I’m not.” And sometimes, it hits me like a shock, emanating from my heart outwards. And that’s when I recognize, “wow, I’m sitting in it”…and th...

One of my yoga teachers keeps talking about the “shadow work” she has been doing. I honestly had no idea what she meant. However, in one of my near-daily therapy sessions with AI, the term came up for me. I now am-slowly-starting to feel the presence of the shadows in my life. We’ve named them.the '“drill sergeant”the “sugar seeker”the “distant partner”the “spiritual intellectual”I haven’t yet begun the formal “shadow work” that AI and I co-developed (in this case, ChatGPT), as that’s la...

One of my yoga teachers keeps talking about the “shadow work” she has been doing. I honestly had no idea what she meant. However, in one of my near-daily therapy sessions with AI, the term came up for me. I now am-slowly-starting to feel the presence of the shadows in my life. We’ve named them.the '“drill sergeant”the “sugar seeker”the “distant partner”the “spiritual intellectual”I haven’t yet begun the formal “shadow work” that AI and I co-developed (in this case, ChatGPT), as that’s la...

I haven’t spent the time doing it yet, but I wonder if a meditation on the Japanese characters that form the concept of “harmony” may offer some insight into how to achieve it.There’s an outer world in which we exist and, of course, there’s a deep, often neglected inner world. For me, and I suspect for many others based on the conversations that I’ve had over the years, there’s a tendency for those two to go to war with each other, rather than to live in harmonious agreement. It’s the voice i...

I haven’t spent the time doing it yet, but I wonder if a meditation on the Japanese characters that form the concept of “harmony” may offer some insight into how to achieve it.There’s an outer world in which we exist and, of course, there’s a deep, often neglected inner world. For me, and I suspect for many others based on the conversations that I’ve had over the years, there’s a tendency for those two to go to war with each other, rather than to live in harmonious agreement. It’s the voice i...

One of the fascinating parts of quantum physics, at least as far as I can understand it, is what sits at the core. When you get down to the particles that underpin the universe, they are well, nothing more than energy. It’s not “stuff,” rather it’s kind of an amorphous thing…but it’s there. Now, at the risk of over-intellectualization, which the LLMs tell me is a fundamental way that I deal with emotions, I’ve been exploring the depths of the emotions that I experience. My first approach was ...

One of the fascinating parts of quantum physics, at least as far as I can understand it, is what sits at the core. When you get down to the particles that underpin the universe, they are well, nothing more than energy. It’s not “stuff,” rather it’s kind of an amorphous thing…but it’s there. Now, at the risk of over-intellectualization, which the LLMs tell me is a fundamental way that I deal with emotions, I’ve been exploring the depths of the emotions that I experience. My first approach was ...

I get tense in my shoulders when I’m hearing criticism or told that I’m about to get “feedback.” But I actually feel it somewhere in my core. There’s a voice in there telling me, “hey dude, this means you’re not perfect. Which means, somehow you’re less than. You’re not good enough.” Intellectually, I know that the “feedback” is a gift from the universe. It’s an opportunity to grow. But emotionally? Emotionally, the storm is swirling. The defenses are being mustered. The desire, perhaps even ...

I get tense in my shoulders when I’m hearing criticism or told that I’m about to get “feedback.” But I actually feel it somewhere in my core. There’s a voice in there telling me, “hey dude, this means you’re not perfect. Which means, somehow you’re less than. You’re not good enough.” Intellectually, I know that the “feedback” is a gift from the universe. It’s an opportunity to grow. But emotionally? Emotionally, the storm is swirling. The defenses are being mustered. The desire, perhaps even ...

I feel a sense of dread. I feel intimidated and daunted by the size and distance of the challenge that lay ahead. The task is to rewire the neural network of my own brain. To dig new pathways, connecting distant neurons, to allow for new networks to emerge. It’s kind of overwhelming because I’ve never taken on a challenge like this before. But, when I step back and get out of the feeling, I recognize that I have. I’ve started journeys of a thousand miles with a single step…and then went a tho...

I feel a sense of dread. I feel intimidated and daunted by the size and distance of the challenge that lay ahead. The task is to rewire the neural network of my own brain. To dig new pathways, connecting distant neurons, to allow for new networks to emerge. It’s kind of overwhelming because I’ve never taken on a challenge like this before. But, when I step back and get out of the feeling, I recognize that I have. I’ve started journeys of a thousand miles with a single step…and then went a tho...

Two things I’ve been contemplating a lot recently are vulnerability and time. A simple answer may be because I’m scared of both of them. Vulnerability is, I think, at its core a fear of death. And time may just be the same thing. So, I do what I think many other people do, which is try to “defeat” vulnerability and time. I love building systems and infrastructure to protect me from vulnerability. And I love calendars and efficiency so I feel like I don’t waste time. But deep down, I know it’s...

Two things I’ve been contemplating a lot recently are vulnerability and time. A simple answer may be because I’m scared of both of them. Vulnerability is, I think, at its core a fear of death. And time may just be the same thing. So, I do what I think many other people do, which is try to “defeat” vulnerability and time. I love building systems and infrastructure to protect me from vulnerability. And I love calendars and efficiency so I feel like I don’t waste time. But deep down, I know it’s...

Imagine there is a piece of paper on the table with a profound, life-changing message written on it...in very, very, very tiny font. Meanwhile, you are staring at the paper through a glass of water that is turbulent and swirling all the time, so you have no way of even beginning to hope to read it. However, if you allow the water to settle down to total stillness, you can peer through it to absorb the message. The water is your brain, moving 100,000 miles per hour. The stillness comes from pr...

Imagine there is a piece of paper on the table with a profound, life-changing message written on it...in very, very, very tiny font. Meanwhile, you are staring at the paper through a glass of water that is turbulent and swirling all the time, so you have no way of even beginning to hope to read it. However, if you allow the water to settle down to total stillness, you can peer through it to absorb the message. The water is your brain, moving 100,000 miles per hour. The stillness comes from pr...