I confronted my fear of heights and the ocean when I was in Hawaii and jumped off a ~40 foot cliff. It was not pretty. I came out bleeding in 2 places, my bathing suit ripped, but I did feel victorious. 

It was this cliff overlooking the ocean that few people merrily jumped off. A regular dude did backflips, couples whooshed in together, and my friend kept urging me to do it. I sat on a rock and dreaded it. My hands got sweaty, I had to control my breathing, and I did way too much thinking and not enough, well, jumping. 

So I didn’t jump that first day. 

I felt downtrodden after we left, even though I was safe. And it played on in my head, the voices a chaotic orchestra of “it doesn’t matter”, “you could have jumped and you didn’t”, “you didn’t face your fear”. You get the gist. 

I think a couple days went by where I hiked, tried to surf (shallow waters are fine, it’s the deeper ocean that gets me), and overall enjoyed the paradisic Hawaii life. I don’t remember what prompted me to ask my friend to go back to that cliff. 

Maybe I felt stronger. Maybe I felt more comfortable with the ocean. Maybe it was the plant medicine. Maybe I just wanted to leave on a high. Maybe all of it.

So we went back. He jumped first, and I didn’t think before I leaped in next. 

Fuckfuckfuck that was a lot of falling. 

If you ever find yourself needing to jump off a cliff, I recommend not opening your mouth as you go in, because you will come out with bleeding gums. Also, be prepared for the water to slap you harder than you’ve ever been slapped before in your life. She will show you no mercy. 

And try going in as straight as you can, like a pencil, upright. Shit hurts if it smacks your stomach. 

My triumph at jumping was short lived once I realized how far I was from the shore, so I started swimming back and not thinking of how deep the water went. As soon as I could touch my feet and see humans on the beach, I let myself relax a bit but it was hard with all the adrenaline pumping through my veins. I felt invincible.

I’m not recommending you jump off a 40 foot cliff. In fact, it’s smarter to advise you NOT to. I am still scared of the ocean, and I still get butterflies when I’m on the edge of most high places. One adventurous cliff jump won’t cure that. 

But, it will do something. I always have that singular moment to pull from when I need inspiration. When I chose to jump off the secure ground into the unknown that terrified me. A reference point, which is the best thing you can give your brain.

If I can do that, well, what else? 

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