I deal with depression. It first manifested in my 20s, and at times it’s been brutal. The idea of musicto actually came from my lowest day, when I needed to call someone to stop myself from going to the top of the building and throwing myself off. The hold music on the line was awful.

Over the years it comes and goes, and I handle it the best I can. I’ve put good defenses in place: exercise, healthier eating, less drinking, yoga, meditation, creativity, and foundational human beings I work with. There are many things I do to combat it, but it still fucking gets me, and that’s so frustrating. It creeps up on me, seduces me, and before I know it, I'm gone

I’m starting the playlist with “Solitude Standing” by Susanne Vega. To my mind, Solitude is my depression. When I’m down, when things aren’t going well, she’s so welcoming - it's so easy to descend into her space. The line “I suddenly remember each time we met” is so true—she comes and goes, she’s so familiar, she’s absolutely fucking isolating when she takes you in. 

And there’s no happy ending. There are no platitudes - it ends with how Depression begins:

"And she turns to me with her hand extended
Her palm is split, with a flower, with a flame"

I'm keeping my hands firmly in my pockets, for now.