Narcissistic Parents:

The long-term damage of never giving approval

Photo by Nsey Benajah on Unsplash

Often, you’ll hear of people talking about their narcissistic mate and how tied that person was to their family. There is some irony in the fact that they bend over backwards for the very people that made them narcissists. Their lives are significantly broken, and they seem to have no loyalty to anyone except that family of origin.

A decade ago, I dated a woman who was professionally diagnosed with NPD. She was plagued by a shadow that she couldn’t come out from under which, affected every aspect of her life in very big ways. The shadow was the shadow of her father as she still feared his disapproval so much as an adult, she arranged her life around it.

She grew up in a wealthy family where the parents displayed no real empathy, no real love, no real closeness — just high expectations, constant put downs, and an unattainable standard that she would never be able to achieve.

The sad thing is — she was born inherently normal. Being subjected to the life she had been had given her the expectations that she should be the top tier executive type but with the toolset of someone who was perpetually in a state of PTSD like anxiety.

As an adult, everything revolved around her father’s approval. She wouldn’t date anyone that didn’t seem like they were on their way to being a successful millionaire entrepreneur, so she would pass on anyone that didn’t seem like they were hugely successful. Her father’s approval meant everything and when she didn’t meet the expectations of him, she would nearly come apart. This is when you’d really see the NPD side of her kick in as she needed to offload the blame because the failure with the father’s expectations were too much for her to bare.

Another woman I dated was the same way with her mother. She was a grown adult who had done well and was successful, but she absolutely refused to try to do any type of project on her own. She had zero confidence she could do it and when she did try something she would not rest until her mother said it was a good job.

So ingrained is the desire for approval from these hyper critical horrifically damaging parents, that as an adult they seemed like children when it came to thinking of facing the disapproval of their parent.

It’s a testament to the critical nature that the parents treat their children, it explains why they have to appear perfect and like they are flawless, and sadly is a pattern that they repeat with their children because they have no clue that what they are doing is extremely unhealthy for them and their family.

Narcissistic Parents:

The long-term damage of never giving approval

Photo by Nsey Benajah on Unsplash

Often, you’ll hear of people talking about their narcissistic mate and how tied that person was to their family. There is some irony in the fact that they bend over backwards for the very people that made them narcissists. Their lives are significantly broken, and they seem to have no loyalty to anyone except that family of origin.

A decade ago, I dated a woman who was professionally diagnosed with NPD. She was plagued by a shadow that she couldn’t come out from under which, affected every aspect of her life in very big ways. The shadow was the shadow of her father as she still feared his disapproval so much as an adult, she arranged her life around it.

She grew up in a wealthy family where the parents displayed no real empathy, no real love, no real closeness — just high expectations, constant put downs, and an unattainable standard that she would never be able to achieve.

The sad thing is — she was born inherently normal. Being subjected to the life she had been had given her the expectations that she should be the top tier executive type but with the toolset of someone who was perpetually in a state of PTSD like anxiety.

As an adult, everything revolved around her father’s approval. She wouldn’t date anyone that didn’t seem like they were on their way to being a successful millionaire entrepreneur, so she would pass on anyone that didn’t seem like they were hugely successful. Her father’s approval meant everything and when she didn’t meet the expectations of him, she would nearly come apart. This is when you’d really see the NPD side of her kick in as she needed to offload the blame because the failure with the father’s expectations were too much for her to bare.

Another woman I dated was the same way with her mother. She was a grown adult who had done well and was successful, but she absolutely refused to try to do any type of project on her own. She had zero confidence she could do it and when she did try something she would not rest until her mother said it was a good job.

So ingrained is the desire for approval from these hyper critical horrifically damaging parents, that as an adult they seemed like children when it came to thinking of facing the disapproval of their parent.

It’s a testament to the critical nature that the parents treat their children, it explains why they have to appear perfect and like they are flawless, and sadly is a pattern that they repeat with their children because they have no clue that what they are doing is extremely unhealthy for them and their family.