In today’s culture of dating reality shows, smartphone apps and romantic comedies, it’s easy to forget one thing: relationships are work. Rarely do we “swipe right,” fall in love and automatically live happily ever after. And when the going gets tough, it’s tempting to throw in the towel, say “it wouldn’t have worked out anyway,” and move on – rather than doing the work to learn how to resolve conflict in a relationship.

Eliminate relationship conflict with the Ultimate Relationship Guide What causes relationship conflict?

Disagreements in relationships happen for many reasons, from minor everyday conflicts like who does the dishes, to serious issues like infidelity. Some common relationship stressors include loss of attraction and passion, emotional stonewalling and loss of commitment, as well as finances, family responsibilities and insecurity. Stress in other areas of our lives also impacts our relationships: When you come home from work frustrated and exhausted or you’re dealing with conflict with other friends or family members, that stress is contagious. You must learn how to resolve conflict in all areas of your life to help your relationship. How to save your relationship

You’re already reading about how to save your relationship, so you’ve figured out the first step: you must have the desire to save it. If that desire is there, you must learn how to channel it into constructive steps that can fix what is broken, resolve underlying conflicts and ultimately save your relationship.

1. Examine your focus

   Focus determines direction. If you’re focused on building a beautiful passionate relationship, that’s what you’ll achieve. — Tony Robbins

Disagreements in relationships become harmful when you’re focused on defending yourself from attack rather than on solving the problem. By focusing on your pain and suffering, you are ensuring you’ll experience more of the same, because where focus goes, energy flows. As Tony says, “Whatever we consistently focus on is exactly what we will experience in our lives.”

Years ago, Tony would take a two-lane highway lined only by power line posts at 10–20 yard intervals. One of these seemed to be perpetually decorated by flowers, candles and photographs. With so much space on either side of the post, it was amazing how many people had died or been injured hitting it. Why didn’t the victim evade it? Why didn’t they swerve to either side?

It’s because people would focus all their attention on not hitting the pole. But, our focus determines our direction. If we don’t want to hit the pole, we need to focus on what we do want: staying on the road! By changing our focus, we can change the result.

This lesson applies to how to save your relationship. If you focus on where you don’t want your relationship to end up, fighting and letting anger build, you’ll find yourself where you don’t want to be – either in a painful, unfulfilling relationship or separated from your partner altogether. If you focus on resolving conflict and growing together, you’ll get the outcomes that you do want.

2. Communicate

You’re sitting in a coffee shop. There are two couples in the shop sitting near you. The couple to your left is arguing about whether they want to go to dinner with friends. He says, “It’s never fun – you said so yourself last time.” She responds, “Of course you would say that, because they’re my friends, and you’ve never given any of my friends a chance.” He rolls his eyes, and in a very sarcastic tone says, “Here we go. War and Peace, our personal edition, volume whatever.” They turn away from each other and sit in silence.

The couple to your right is also discussing whether they want to go to dinner with friends. He says, “I guess I’m a little worried that it will go on for hours and that it might not be that fun. What do you think?” She says, “I get that. I really want to go, but maybe we can plan a time when we have to leave as a compromise?” She continues, touching his hand and smiling, “Besides, it will be nice to get home early.” He smiles and nods, and they continue to read and drink their coffee.

Both couples were presented with a conflict – the same conflict, in fact. But one knew how to resolve conflict in a relationship, and the other did not. One reacted by relying on bad habits and used the conflict to widen a rift between them. The other used the conflict as an opportunity to communicate their feelings and grow their relationship. Which couple do you think has the more successful, fulfilling relationship? Which relationship do you think will last longer? Communication is essential to resolving disagreements in relationships.

3. Turn conflict into opportunity

In the coffee shop example, one couple has discovered how to resolve conflict in a relationship: don’t treat it as a competition. Why would you want your partner, the person you love, to lose? When you accept that there are no losers in love, you can let go of petty arguments and embrace healthy communication.

Conflicts are opportunities for you and your partner to align on values and outcomes. They are chances to understand, appreciate and embrace differences. Put yourself in your partner’s place and make an effort to understand their experience. These experiences and emotions can be uncomfortable, but if we always opt for comfort then we never grow.

Conflict is also an opportunity to learn more about your partner and love them on an even deeper level. Learn to see conflicts as transitions to something better, rather than as reasons to retreat. The next time you find yourself disagreeing with your partner and wondering how to save your relationship, choose to see the positive in the situation – and actively decide to work toward a more stable future together.

4. Use humor

If you find yourself in a retaliatory spiral, a good tactic is to use humor to break the pattern. Humor can release tension and allow you and your partner to focus on what you both want – learning how to save your relationship – rather than on what you both don’t want, another pointless argument. If you feel an argument escalating, take a moment to derail it. Argue while talking like Christopher Walken or William Shatner. Sing a song that makes your partner laugh. Make the conflict ridiculous.

To illustrate this point, let’s return to the coffee shop example. You see an older couple. The man accidentally spills his tea all over the table and some splashes onto his wife’s favorite dress. He gets up for some napkins, and she smiles and jokes aloud to the other customers, “For 20 years he’s been doing this to me – never finished a cup yet!” He comes back, dabs the tea off her and jokes back to the other patrons, “She was asking for it!” They both laugh, and you do too, along with everyone else in the shop.

Some couples would have turned the situation into an argument, but by using humor to nip the retaliatory spiral in the bud, this husband and wife seized the moment and turned it into an opportunity to practice how to resolve conflict in a relationship.

5. Ask the right questions

If you’re wondering how to save your relationship, chances are that things have been going wrong for quite some time. You need to not only dig into the past to uncover the real, deeper issues, but also look to the future. It’s all about asking yourself the right questions.

First, ensure you’re beginning this exercise from the right mindset. The point is not to place blame, dig up old arguments or tell your partner all the things they do that annoy you. You must change your mindset to one of gratitude and acceptance. Embrace the fact that life is happening for you, not to you. Even the current state of your relationship is presenting you with the chance to learn and grow – so long as you are open to what it has to tell you.

Now you’re ready to ask yourself essential questions: Why did your relationship break down? What are the limiting beliefs you and your partner have been living by that have affected your relationship? How can you overcome them? And what do you want for the future? What will your relationship focus on?

6. Practice acceptance

Apply your new abundance mindset to your partner. All our partners have habits that annoy us, because no human being is perfect. Instead of dwelling on their negative traits, focus instead on what they bring to the table, how they make you feel and the qualities that you love. You’ll find that you’ll soon start to miss even the things that used to drive you crazy, because they are part of that whole person, your partner, whom you adore.

Remember the two couples at the café? The successful couple who put energy into understanding each other’s needs reaffirmed their support for one another – she supported his need to leave at a certain hour and he supported her need to socialize with friends. They communicated with each other, assessed one another’s needs and made it a fun issue to solve instead of letting something minor turn into a major argument.

Listen to your partner, understand what they’re saying and why they feel the way they do. And be accepting of yourself too: Be honest about your own feelings and emotions. Be your authentic self. Personal flaws aren’t the reason you’re asking how to save your relationship. They’re actually a powerful tool to show your partner just how much you love them.

7. Be aware of your negative patterns

Humans are creatures of habit. We all have patterns, both positive and negative, that affect our decisions and behaviors. We may automatically respond defensively to our partners or turn inward and blame ourselves for relationship conflict – closing off, but eventually exploding. Many of us resort to standbys like giving our partners space or even the silent treatment.

If anyone asked you if you knew how to resolve conflict, you’d probably say yes, and if they asked you whether the silent treatment or ignoring the problem were smart ways to deal with conflict, you’d almost certainly say no. You know better than to resort to these silly tactics, but if you’re hurt enough, you do it anyway. Why? Why fall back on negative patterns instead of working to actually fix the communication issues at hand?

8. Work on forgiveness

seeing things from others’ perspectives

If you’re wondering how to save your relationship because your trust was broken, you’re probably feeling angry, bitter, hurt, mistrustful and a whole host of other negative emotions. If you’re the person who broke the trust, you’re feeling guilty and ashamed. You may even try to blame your partner or justify your actions. In this situation, both partners need to work on forgiveness.

You won’t just wake up one day and magically feel forgiving toward your partner. Forgiveness is a process. It’s a series of small acts – admitting mistakes, practicing total honesty and putting your partner first – that add up over time. Forgiveness takes work.

If you’re the partner that broke the trust, you must take full responsibility. Be respectful of how you hurt your partner, and give them the space they need. Put your partner first, and don’t fall into a cycle of self-blame. If your trust was broken, take some space, but continue to communicate. Let your partner know what you need to rebuild trust. Most of all, never give up.

9. Make time for touch

When you’re always fighting with your partner – when every little thing they do annoys you – it can be hard to be affectionate. But you must make time for touch. This doesn’t just mean sex – it also means cuddling on the couch during a movie, sneaking a morning hug before work and holding hands for no reason at all.

There’s a reason that touching your partner makes you feel so good: Cuddling, hugging and even holding hands cause the release of oxytocin, a “feel-good” chemical in your brain that makes you feel safe and loved. Oxytocin can lower stress, help you sleep, make you feel more connected to your partner and even decrease blood pressure. You get all those benefits just from reaching over and taking your partner’s hand.

Don’t withhold physical affection – even when you’re mad – or you could find yourself in a completely sexless marriage. If you really want to solve relationship conflict, start with physical touch. Cuddle before bedtime. Hold hands when you’re out to dinner with friends. Sneak a kiss as you’re making dinner. Physical affection isn’t a result of a happy relationship – it creates a happy relationship.

Relationships aren’t easy. We are all human – and humans make mistakes. We have flaws. Sometimes, we just don’t put in the work we need to and we let our relationships fall by the wayside. By the time we start looking into how to resolve conflict in a relationship, it may have been neglected for years. But remember this: Many relationships are worth saving. You just need to be willing to do the work.

Conflict isn’t necessarily good or bad for a relationship. If both partners have good communication skills and see conflict as an opportunity to grow, learn and make the relationship stronger, conflict can even be a good thing. But when disagreements in relationships make you feel attacked or threatened, vulnerable and weak, this can make you recoil and retreat – and be very bad for your relationship.

When things your partner does upset you and you feel that you’re under siege, you’re less likely to respond constructively and more likely to resort to unhealthy behaviors. This type of conflict is harmful for any relationship.

How do you know if a relationship is worth saving?

Even if you feel lost and alone, know that nearly all of the time your relationship is worth saving. You have history. You’ve been through a lot together – many relationships last years or even decades before getting to this point. Your partner knows you better than anyone else, and they will be there for you like no one else will be.

If you still have fun with your partner and can’t imagine your life without them – even if you have frequent relationship conflict – that’s a strong sign your relationship is worth saving. If you have the same values, have created a shared vision for your life together and still make each other smile, it’s not yet time to let go.

How do you know if a relationship is worth saving?

Even if you feel lost and alone, know that nearly all of the time your relationship is worth saving. You have history. You’ve been through a lot together – many relationships last years or even decades before getting to this point. Your partner knows you better than anyone else, and they will be there for you like no one else will be.

If you still have fun with your partner and can’t imagine your life without them – even if you have frequent relationship conflict – that’s a strong sign your relationship is worth saving. If you have the same values, have created a shared vision for your life together and still make each other smile, it’s not yet time to let go.

Why is communication in relationships important?

Communication in relationships is essential to having a happy, healthy partnership. Your partner is likely the person you spend the most time with, which means there’s a greater risk of misunderstandings and conflict. But when you perfect communication in relationships, you’ll be rewarded. ✓ Increased trust

Real communication in relationships means that you can go to your partner about anything: sharing happiness and sadness, good days and bad. You’re willing to be vulnerable with them because you know that they will support you and love you no matter what. Absolute courage and vulnerability is one of the Five Disciplines of Love because it leads to total trust in your relationship. ✓ Better conflict resolution

We all know couples who seem to fight all the time – and those who seem to never fight at all. While all relationships have ups and downs, both frequent fighting and no fighting at all are signs of a lack of communication in relationships. The key isn’t to never disagree with your partner. It’s to improve your conflict resolution skills by using the eight tips above so that when disagreements do happen, you’re able to turn them into something that strengthens your relationship instead of tearing it down.  ✓

Increased intimacy

Discovering how to improve communication in relationships is excellent for your emotional intimacy, or ability to listen, understand and be compassionate toward your partner. Developing your communication skills shows that you respect and value your partner and their feelings and opinions. When people feel honored and accepted in this way, emotional intimacy skyrockets – and physical intimacy often follows. Is there such a thing as over-communication?

Yes, over-communication in relationships does exist in certain contexts. There are two common defense mechanisms when people are feeling anxious or unsure of how to express themselves: internalizing and externalizing. People who internalize tend to shut down and withdraw during conflicts; those who externalize want to talk it out, sometimes excessively.

In both of these cases, more communication doesn’t necessarily equal good communication. Internalizers may need space before they’re ready to talk; externalizers may need to slow down and refine their message. Before you’re tempted to say more, think about how you can say it better instead. How to communicate in a relationship

Communication in relationships can be the difference between a strong, lifelong partnership or a conflict-filled bond that ends in disappointment. Learning how to communicate better is vital.

1. Commit to true connection

The biggest misconception about how to communicate in a relationship is that communication is the same as talking or making conversation. Communication in relationships, at its core, is about connecting and using your verbal, written and physical skills to fulfill your partner’s needs. It’s not about making small talk. It’s about understanding your partner’s point of view, offering support and letting your partner know you are their #1 fan.

It’s easy to let real connection and passion diminish, especially in long-term relationships. But the first key to how to improve communication in a relationship is to admit that you’re not connecting the way you used to. Talk with your partner about rekindling your connection and provide a starting point. If your partner isn’t on board, don’t worry. Relationships are a place where you go to give, not one where you go to take. You can still enact many of these strategies without a commitment from your partner – and you may even inspire them to reciprocate.

2. Identify your communication styles

Before you work on learning how to improve communication in a relationship, you need to realize that not everyone has the same communication style. The four main communication styles are passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive and assertive. Passive communicators keep their emotions inside and are the ones who can never seem to say “no.” Aggressive communicators are loud and intense, but typically have trouble making real connections with others. Passive-aggressive communicators avoid conflict and use sarcasm to deflect real communication. The healthiest type of communication is assertive: These people are in touch with their emotions and know how to communicate them effectively.

Communication styles also involve our metaprograms, or the ways that we respond to information. Some people like to talk, some prefer touch and others are more visual or respond better to gift giving than an outward discussion of feelings. You probably know which communication style you prefer, but what about your partner?

Communication and relationships are all different. Effective communication with your partner will come from acknowledging this. Your partner can be telling you exactly what they need, but you have to be cognizant of how they convey this information to you. If there’s miscommunication, you’ll miss the opportunity to build trust and intimacy, and you’ll both feel frustrated.

When striving to learn how to communicate better, watch your partner respond to different perceptive cues over a day or two. Does he or she seem to respond most to seeing and watching? Hearing and talking? Or touching and doing? For example, if your partner is more responsive to language, tone and other auditory cues, making lots of eye contact and gentle facial expressions isn’t communicating as much to them as you think. You’re sending signals but they’re not picking them up. On the other hand, if you find that you are an auditory person and your partner is a kinesthetic person, remember that saying “I love you” may not be enough. Reinforce your love with touch, and remember to do so often.

3. Discover the Six Human Needs

There are six fundamental needs that all humans share, but each of us puts these needs in a different order in accordance with our core values. Once you discover which needs matter the most to your partner, you’ll know how to communicate with your partner and in a way that fulfills them.

The first human need is the need for certainty. It’s this need that drives us to seek out pleasure and avoid pain, stress and emotional risks. Ask yourself these questions: How secure is my partner feeling in our relationship? We all find safety and comfort in different things. Be open with your partner about what gives them certainty and makes them feel stable.

The second human need that affects communication and relationships is the need for variety. Uncertainty isn’t always scary if you know how to communicate with your partner. Relationships need healthy challenges that allow partners to grow together. As you learn how to communicate better, you’ll find that variety keeps things fun and exciting with your partner.

Significance is the third human need: We all need to feel unique and important. Communication is key to this particular desire because your partner needs to know that you need them, in a singular way – that they fulfill your needs in ways that only they can. How do you demonstrate to your partner, not just tell them, that they are significant to you? You can show them through loving touch, offering them support when they need it and spending quality time with them.

The fourth basic human need is for connection and love. Every human needs to feel connected with others. Effective communication in relationships lets us know that we are loved and can make us feel at our most alive, but absence of love can cause pain like nothing else can. Too often we automatically say “I love you” in order to solve a conflict with our partners and forget to show love in a real, tangible way that speaks to our partner’s needs. Reverse this pattern: Consciously show your partner that you love them every day, in a way that speaks to their personal preferences and needs. Learning how to improve communication in a relationship is about realizing what “language” your partner best understands and giving them love in that way.

Growth is the fifth human need. The human experience is one of motion and without constant growth, our relationships will become stale. We constantly endeavor to evolve along the different paths that interest us the most, whether these are emotional, intellectual, spiritual or otherwise. Your partner has the need for growth as much as you do and when we learn how to communicate better, we can also learn how to better grow together. When was the last time you supported your partner’s growth in the areas that they are most passionate about? How can you continue to support them to the fullest?

The sixth and final human need is contribution and giving. Remember, the secret to living is giving. Contribution is our source of meaning – it determines who we become and solidifies our legacy, who we are and our role in the world. Consider what you give to your partner and how you can give more. Are you giving your time? Your undivided attention? The benefit of the doubt? A second chance? When communication in relationships is strong, both partners are able to continually come up with new and better ways of contributing to the other’s happiness.

Whoever said “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” must have been married to a stuffed unicorn. Or a plastic potted plant. Because if they were in a relationship with a human, that statement likely turned into “Love means I’m on a dirt road to divorce court because I never say I’m sorry.”

Let’s face it. Even healthy, happy couples argue – and sometimes they fight dirty. Despite the hard work you put into your relationship, despite the hours you spend on personal development and managing your state, and certainly despite your best and most loving intentions, you won’t always handle relationship conflict well. We all mess up sometimes. Some of these mistakes are foolish and unintentional. But sometimes we launch targeted attacks on our mate’s vulnerability. We cause harm to our partner and to the intimacy between us. So, what do you do when you wound others with words?

Apologize. Don’t ignore the mistakes. If you don’t tend to wounds, they can accumulate, and unacknowledged wounds can build walls between you. But our mistakes are also our greatest teachers. Every unskillful act or word gives us the opportunity to begin again. When you fail at loving mindfully, I recommend you take a love mulligan. In golf, some players allow themselves a do-over after a lousy shot, a second chance to make it right. This works great in love, too. When the damage has been done, skillful couples make a repair and start over. When they get stuck in a sand trap, they are determined to dig themselves out, learn something, and do better the next time around. How to give, and receive, an apology

To give or receive a good apology is an art – and a good apology takes two people. There is the giver and the receiver. The apology must be offered, and it must be accepted. An apology that heals is based in kindness, generosity, and compassion. I’ve hurt you. I realize it. As the offender, I offer you my repair. I apologize with a kind heart, voice, and words. I attempt to renew our intimacy, and bring us into closeness again. But I cannot repair it alone. Even an apology crafted by the Buddha himself is not complete unless the recipient accepts it with grace and offers something in return: forgiveness. When you have hurt me, I see you struggle. And I love you, so I hear your apology with a kind heart, ears, and mind. And then I forgive you. Without my forgiveness, our rift cannot heal.

So, we, the offender and offended bear equal responsibility for bringing together that which was torn apart. We are lovers, together. Our relationship is something we each take full responsibility for. My mindset causes my unhappiness, not you. So even when you’ve said something cruel, I can choose, with my mind, to let it go – to see beyond the temporary clouds of fear, ego, and story to love underneath. So yes, my darling, I forgive you. I forgive you for your humanity, your flaws, your missteps. And I ask you to do the same for me when I fail.

The mindful apology in practice: repair, forgive, begin again

Repair Here is a repair manual for when something you’ve said has upset your partner. “I’m sorry” is a good start, but for an apology to rebuild intimacy, it should have three qualities. If you have said something unfair, first you need to own the mistake. Second, you need to repair the damage. Third, you need to vow to improve.

So, practice saying, “I’m sorry” in the form Own, Repair, Improve. I did X (own), I’m sorry (repair), and I’m going to do Y (improve). It might sound something like this: “Sweetheart, I want to acknowledge that I said I hate going to see you play baseball and that sports are a waste of time. That was a mean thing to say (own). Sometimes I’m selfish about my time, and that’s not fair to you. I’m sorry I said that (repair). Next time you ask me to come to a game, I’m going to say yes (improve).” You can include some humor for bonus points: “But hey, let’s be real, you married an artist who can’t throw a ball, what do you expect? I love you, babe.”

Forgive Can you forgive and forget? If you have been hurt, you may never completely forget. But you can always forgive because forgiveness is a choice – a choice you may need to make over and over again. When your troublesome mind seizes on something your partner said or did that hurt you, you’ve forgotten the present moment. You are reliving something that no longer exists. You are creating your own suffering here and now, based on a story. Unless you can choose to forgive your beloved, you cannot dance in the present moment with them. You are tainted by the past.

By choosing to forgive your partner, you are also choosing to forgive yourself, because you make mistakes too. Choose to stop creating pain in this perfect moment. “I forgive you” is a good start to accepting an apology. But if you aspire to be a generous lover, I recommend three steps for the receiver, as well. First, thank your partner for caring so much about you and your relationship. Second, acknowledge that your partner has owned their mistake and is attempting to repair it. Then third, accept the apology.

So practice saying “I forgive you,” in the form Thank, Acknowledge, Accept. Thank you for saying X (thank), I appreciate you owning what you said (acknowledge), and I forgive you for Y (accept). It might sound something like this: “Thanks for saying that (thank). It made me upset when you were rude about my baseball game. I felt like you aren’t interested in the sport I love. It takes guts to admit you were mean (acknowledge). It’s okay. I accept your apology. I’d love it if you would come to the game Wednesday (accept).” You can include humor here too for bonus points: “And hey, maybe we can go for drinks after at the weird art café you like!”

Begin Again Unfinished business accumulates. Let go of the small slights and the large wounds so they don’t pile up. Practice dual apologies often. Love means saying I’m sorry. I forgive you. And now we begin again, in this very moment, as friends, and as generous lovers. Because you are a lot more fun than a stuffed unicorn.

If you would like to learn more about how to create love and passion that last a lifetime, check out Dr. Cheryl’s FREE Passion Masterclass – where you’ll learn hto reignite great love, romance, and sex so you can fall in love all over again – with the one you are with. About Dr. Cheryl Fraser

Cheryl Fraser, PhD, is a Buddhist psychologist, sex therapist, author and speaker who has helped thousands of couples jumpstart their love life and create passion that lasts a lifetime. An awarded Fulbright scholar, she has conducted extensive research on sexual behavior and what causes love relationships to to succeed or fail. Her new book, Buddha’s Bedroom, Dr. Fraser presents enlivening mindfulness exercises, techniques from couples and sex therapy, and the wisdom of Buddhist teachings to help couples break free from the monotony of familiar routines, and reignite the passion they once had.

This article was contributed by special guest David Hilton of LIFE Marriage Retreats – see full bio below.

Anyone who has ever tried to make a decision – small or big – with their partner knows how difficult it is. Why is it so hard? When you are single, your decisions are your own; they only require personal buy-in and typically they have very little impact on other people. (Or at least that’s what you tell yourself!)

When you’re in a committed relationship, on the other hand, decisions require buy-in from both parties, and nearly every decision you make has an impact on your partner.

Once two people enter into a relationship, the number of decisions they should make on their own decreases significantly because their respective decision circles overlap. This is not necessarily because all of these decisions must be made together, but rather because nearly every decision you make individually in a relationship has an impact on the other person. In order to maintain a healthy relationship, each partner must at least consider their spouse when making decisions. Whether you are actively making decisions together or considering one another in your individual decisions, there are relatively few that you should make completely on your own.

However, the degree to which your two decision circles overlap is entirely up to you and your partner, and it is different for every couple. Still, the more decisions a couple can successfully share and/or confidently defer to the others judgement on, the better. If one or both partners are making excessive unilateral decisions, then, sooner or later, the relationship will suffer.

A while ago, I worked with a couple at one of our marriage retreats. It became clear to me early on that they struggled with joint decision-making. When I showed the wife the way decision-making as a couple was so intertwined, she winced. Pointing to the model in which the two circles are separate, she said, “That is my ideal relationship.” Her ideal, though, is not compatible with a committed relationship. So, despite her strong desire to improve the relationship with her husband, she could not let go of her desire for complete freedom, and, ultimately, she chose to end the marriage.

How decision-making builds connection and trust

It doesn’t always end this way. I’ve also worked with couples who had been making excessive unilateral decisions but were able to correct their course and save their marriage. One couple, for instance, had been living separately at the time that they came to our retreat. They were hardly considering one another from day to day and only included one another in decision-making when one of them happened to be visiting the other, which wasn’t often. After the retreat, they decided to move back in together. They coordinated their schedules, committed to regular date nights, and checked in with each other multiple times a day. What seemed like a gamble to them at the outset truly paid off and brought their relationship to a higher level.

Both of these examples show us how pivotal decision-making in relationships is for the overall health of the partnership. Each decision you as a couple can successfully make together brings you closer to each other – deepens the connection and increases the level of trust that you are looking out for each other, putting each other’s needs equal to (if not above) your own. When you begin to operate as if your partner’s needs are your own and take full responsibility for their feelings, then you have achieved what Tony refers to as a three-dimensional relationship. This is the most evolved and sustainable level of a relationship, and is where we should strive to be. Three principles for joint decision-making

Now you’re ready to make all these decisions as a couple, right? Not so fast. To effectively take action, there are three principles that you must live by as you go through the process:

• Communication. Understand one another’s perspective. How do they see things? Let them tell you what they see and what they believe to be true. Make sure they understand that their input is valuable and contributes significantly to the outcome, the final decision.

• Respect. When your partner makes his or her own decisions, you must openly and wholeheartedly respect their judgement and allow them the freedom to succeed or fail on their own.

• Trustworthiness. When making your own decisions, you must consistently show your partner that you can make good decisions on your own. As Tony often says, It’s not what we do once in a while that shapes our lives, but what we do consistently that makes a lasting change.

As long as you both communicate with each other, respect one another, and individually make trustworthy decisions, your relationship will grow stronger and flourish.

These principles proved to be both powerful and transformative for one couple, Brian and Samantha, who began our retreat with their relationship at all-time low. A significant breach of trust on Brian’s part led to them separating and living in different states. Samantha felt hopeless, and had essentially given up on the relationship.

Despite their progress at the retreat, the most significant transformation occurred afterward. Before heading home, Samantha refused to commit to anything except for a weekly phone call that was dedicated to their join decision-making. As painstakingly difficult as this was for Brian, her reservations were completely understandable.

Instead of giving up, getting angry, or blaming Samantha, Brian implemented the principles he learned at the retreat.

• He respected her boundaries and desire for freedom and autonomy.

• He committed to a higher level of communication with her on each of their weekly phone calls.

• He made smart decisions that were worthy of Samantha’s trust.

These principles in practice made Samantha feel safe – something she hadn’t felt in some time. Beginning with small commitments, like weekends away and occasional visits, their relationship began to grow. Brian eventually moved back to their home state, and they started their lives anew with the purchase of a brand new home. Years later, Samantha’s trust in Brian had been completely restored.

Decision-making in relationships is a great litmus test for the health of your relationship, and, as demonstrated with Brian and Samantha, can make or a break a couple. Ultimately, the personal decisions we make define who we are. They are the difference between success and failure. It stands to reason that decision-making is equally important in defining who we are within our relationships, and even lead to our relationship successes and failures. We are all bound to experience trying times with our partner – and when that happens, remember this simple mantra: “I respect your decisions, I am trustworthy with my decisions, and I communicate through our decisions.” When the foundation of a relationship is built upon the pillars of communication, respect, and trust, then it is bound to succeed.and a highly specialized form of counseling to transform relationships.

*For sake of brevity, we classify women as representatives of feminine energy and men as representatives of masculine energy. However, we acknowledge and honor that gender and energy are entirely independent, as a female can have a masculine core and a male can have a feminine core.

Edward comes home from a rough day at work. He rants and raves to his wife, Jill, about the issues he has with his co-workers and his boss. Jill listens, and even engages – sharing common sentiments about how frustrating that must be. Edward eventually comes out of his rut and meets Jill at her level.

Jill comes home from a rough day at work. She rants and raves to Edward. Edward however, has a strong inclination to fix her issues. He cuts into her diatribe, interjecting his thoughts on how she can solve her issues. She grows increasingly upset. She yells, saying that he doesn’t “understand” her.

What is happening in each situation? In the first scenario, the feminine energy is high and the masculine energy is low. But the couple is easily able to restore the imbalance. However, in the second scenario, the masculine energy is high and the feminine energy is low, and challenges arise. Why is this? What dynamics are at play? And what sort of shift will allow Jill and Edward to connect with each other?

Here’s the secret. The game of life in a relationship is about mastering two things: your state and your meaning. If you can master those two, it’s a different ballgame. It will change everything. And it all starts with mastering the power of V – venting, that is.

UNDERSTANDING CORE DIFFERENCES

Masculine men and feminine women are practically different species.

The feminine force has something no extremely masculine man will ever understand. That is, women experience everything all the time. The reason for this is because the feminine brain has what is called “diffuse awareness” – an instinctual and biological trait instilled in women so they could be entirely aware of their surroundings. As Tony Robbins explains during his Date with Destiny event, it began as a matter of survival, and has evolved into a deep-seeded need for women to talk and share and to uncover what they are feeling. And it manifests in many different ways.

Even something as mundane as talking on the phone is a means of satisfying that instinct. In fact, feminine females can chat for hours and then not even remember the specifics. Because it isn’t about the content, it’s about connecting and sharing.

Venting is a continuation of this, amplified by pent up emotion. When a woman vents, she is unleashing energy. She is sharing her problem because she wants connection. She wants her man to feel her. She wants her man to show that he understands by sharing her emotions.

The masculine energy, on the other hand, does not want to share problems, it wants to solve them. So a very masculine man will think, “What’s wrong with you? Why do you keep talking about this problem? Why aren’t you just taking the action to solve it?” Because men think there is a point to a woman venting.

THE MEANING WE ASSIGN

A masculine male will simply not be naturally inclined to share a woman’s emotional current when she is venting. But when a man doesn’t do this, the woman feels rejected. She feels alone and she sees him as arrogant and callous. She will even tell herself: “He thinks he’s better than me. He doesn’t care about me.” Because that would all be true with a feminine energy, but it’s not true in a masculine world.

On the flip-side, when the man’s attempt of resolution is met with a woman’s frustration, he tends to make up lousy meanings. He may think that his woman is just not listening to them, or won’t let him solve the problem. He may think the woman doesn’t believe they he can solve the problem, or he may even label the woman as being unhappy. And ultimately, the man will tell himself: “Nothing I do will ever work. I can never make her happy. Nothing will make her happy.” But when a man starts making up those stories, the relationship is in jeopardy. That’s when there will be zero progress – and if a relationship isn’t growing, it’s dying.

The reality is, what is upsetting (or even enraging) you is not what your partner is doing, it’s the meaning you’re making about it – and it isn’t true. We think that men are just like women and women are just like men. Even though intellectually we know better, when our partners do something, we interpret it through our world.

THE WAY FORWARD

Diffuse awareness means a women is feeling everything all the time. For a masculine man, there is no such thing as true multitasking. Even when a man thinks he is multitasking, he is really just doing a little bit of this and a little bit of that, moving back and forth, doing one thing at a time. That’s the masculine brain – pure focus. But a woman has the power to focus on everything simultaneously. That’s why a man can think he’s uncovered the problem, but then twelve other problems surface, because she doesn’t even realize all the things that she’s thinking about.

Yet no matter what comes out, a woman does not want a man to solve her problems. Because what she really wants to do in the feminine world is to heal. And that doesn’t mean to necessarily solve it, but rather, she wants to be heard and feel understood – that is what brings healing.

If a man can learn to listen, if he can learn to appreciate her and the way her brain works, this will become one of the most powerful tools in a relationship.

“I’ve made my mistakes with my wife, more than enough times. And I’ve learned and gotten better. I can now look at all that is going on, and instead of trying to solve the problems, I just give her my presence. I stay here, while she lays it all out on me. And I don’t take anything personally. Even if she says: “You did this,” or “You did that.” I remind myself that what she’s saying isn’t what she means. It’s not about me. She is letting pent up energy out and creating space. She’s just venting and externalizing. It really is amazing if a woman feels understood and feels affirmed, then right after that, you can deliver a solution and it will be received in a completely different way. She will feel relief and have the space to appreciate you.” – Tony Robbins

You can win. But it’s going to require having the courage to step into the unknown. It’s going to require you detaching from the story you have created about your partner. It’s going to require you to take a step back and assess the entire situation. And it’s going to require you giving presence and compassion, even when you feel unfairly portrayed. This is how you master your state and the meaning you assign to experiences and events in your life. It’s how you master the V. And it’s how you become even more connected to your partner than ever before.

“You are such a slob. You just expect me to clean up after you.” “You are always working. Work is more important to you than your family.” “You are so frivolous. You just think money grows on trees.”

Sound familiar?

Arguments about housework, priorities and money are nothing new. In fact, for many couples, they are weekly challenges. That’s exactly why “I-statements” are so important. Choosing the right words during an argument can be the difference between resolving your issues or making them worse. When you change your words, you change your life, and nowhere is this more true than in relationships.

Even when you have the best of intentions, what you say can escalate an argument into a full-blown fight and really hurt the one you love. And one of the most common mistakes those in a relationship make with their language is the use of “you-statements” instead of using sentences that are framed as “I-feel statements.” What is a “you-statement”?

“You-statements,” such as those listed above, are phrases that begin with the pronoun “you” and imply that the listener is responsible for something. They show no ownership of emotions, but rather blame, accuse and assume the receiver. This type of statement is more likely to make your partner feel defensive and resentful, and he or she will be less likely to want to make peace. What is an “I-statement”?

An “I-statement,” on the other hand, forces us to take responsibility for what we are thinking and feeling and prevents us from blaming our partners. When using “I-statements,” we can still be assertive, but find a less hostile, more compassionate way to communicate. Tone of voice – vocal inflection, volume and pitch – is an important piece of communication puzzle that we often forget about. “I-feel statements” help prevent miscommunication that can happen when one partner takes an accusatory tone of voice.

The psychology behind “you-statements” and “I-statements”

Studies have shown that “I-statements” reduce hostility and defensiveness and that “you-statements” can provoke anger. Today it’s a commonly accepted fact that the use of “I-statements” in relationships and even at work results in better communication. But why?

“You-statements” make your partner feel that you are punishing them. When people feel attacked, they naturally become defensive. It’s hard-wired into our DNA. By pointing out what they’ve done wrong or how they’ve made you feel upset, sad or angry, you’re either trying to make them feel as bad as you feel or you’re trying to make them change. Neither is a part of creating a healthy relationship. Rather than inviting a productive response from your partner, you’re inviting anger.

An “I-statement,” on the other hand, shows personal accountability. It states that even though your partner is not acting or speaking in the way you’d prefer, you are not blaming him or her for how you feel. When using “I-statements,” you take responsibility for the part you played in the disagreement and display the openness for deep listening and resolution.

Forming “I-statements”

So how do you turn a “you-statement” into an “I-statement”?

First, remember that the point of an “I-statement” is to express how you feel inside. That’s why they’re often called “I-feel statements.” A true “I-statement” uses specific emotions such as “I feel…” joyful, anxious, lonely, resentful, angry, calm, embarrassed, fearful, etc.

Avoid words that may seem like emotions, but really imply the action of your partner: “I feel…” ignored, annoyed, pissed off, mistreated, manipulated, controlled, cheated, abandoned, etc.

It is also a common misperception that you can tack on the words “I feel” in front of a “you-statement.” For example, “I feel like you are taking me for granted.” That is just a “you-statement” in disguise. It implies blame and there is no actual emotion being expressed.  “I-statement” examples

It can be difficult to use “I-statements” if you’re not used to this type of language. These “I-statement examples” will help.

“I felt lonely when you did not come home to have dinner with me all week.” “I get anxious when you don’t tell me you’re running late.” “I felt embarrassed when you were talking to that man at the party for half an hour.” “I get confused and hurt when you leave your clothes on the floor because I thought I had communicated how important it was that you put them in the laundry basket.” “I feel resentful when you take our dog to the dog park on the weekends without me when we have not had time together for weeks.”

Using “I-statements” in your relationship

Using “I-feel statements” works best when your emotions seem overwhelming and you want to lash out at your partner. When you first start using them, you should explain to your partner what you’re trying to accomplish and admit you might not do it perfectly the first time. Try to be as gentle as possible and realize that the tone of your voice matters as much – if not more – than the words you use. Remember the “I-statement” examples listed above and try to identify the emotion you are feeling and where it stems from. Admit if you have a trigger from the past that is playing a part in how you feel and if this is making you over-react.

To help you better understand how you to turn a “you-statement” into an “I-statement,” consider how to change your language during these common conflicts: graphical user interface, application, email

Using “I-statements” in therapy

The best “I-statement” examples are often found in therapy settings – this is actually where the term originated! In a type of therapy called person-centered therapy, you’ll often hear the therapist asking, “How does that make you feel?” Carl Rogers pioneered this therapy in the 1940s, but it was his student Thomas Gordon who actually coined the term “I-statement.”

In one-on-one therapy, “I-feel statements” can help you uncover your real emotions, which are often buried or ignored, and take responsibility for them. You’ll begin to realize that, as Tony says, you can “take control of your consistent emotions and begin to consciously and deliberately reshape your daily experience of life.” You can’t control how others act. You can control your own emotions.

In couples therapy, “I-statements” are one of the first things you’ll learn. To de-escalate conflict, these types of statements may be the only way each partner is allowed to express themselves.

You don’t need to be in therapy to learn the difference between “you-statements” and “I-statements” and begin to use them in your relationship. It may feel strange at first, but once you and your partner get into this habit, you’ll see positive changes and take your relationship to the next level.

We all know the couple who bickers over dinner, bringing up old incidents or accusing their partner of “always” being a certain way. Some of us know the couple who yells over each other until they’re loud enough to wake the neighbors – but what if that couple is you?

If you find yourself constantly bickering about the same topics or having loud fights and saying things you don’t mean, you may be stuck in harmful patterns of communication. You need to learn how to avoid arguments in a relationship and turn them into productive conversations instead.

Want to stop arguing with your loved one? What causes most relationship arguments?

The causes of relationship arguments vary widely depending on the couple – and sometimes it can seem like there is no cause at all. According to one study, the most common causes of arguments included one partner not showing enough love or affection; a partner not feeling appreciated; jealousy or possessiveness; frequency of sex; and housekeeping and chores. Not surprisingly, relationship stressors like money also made the list, as well as “big” arguments like future goals, career plans and whether a couple wants children.

To discover how to avoid arguments in a relationship, we must dig deeper. Two things are ultimately behind all of the issues listed above: communication and fulfillment of needs. Every partner brings certain needs and expectations to a relationship. When their needs are not fulfilled or when their expectations aren’t met because they haven’t communicated effectively, conflict occurs. Is it normal to argue in a relationship everyday?

Every couple and relationship is different, so it’s impossible to say how common or “normal” it is to argue every day. Some couples may argue frequently while others seem to hardly argue at all. The better question is whether it is healthy to argue in a relationship every day. And the answer is no: Constant arguing in a relationship may be normal, but it isn’t healthy.

If you know how to resolve conflict, some arguing in a relationship is healthy. It can help you learn more about your partner and make important decisions. But if your arguments are constant, or if they are more infrequent but often escalate into yelling, door-slamming and anger, it’s a sign you need to learn how to handle arguments in a relationship.

How to avoid arguments in a relationship

Relationship arguments are normal, but arguing is not necessarily communicating. There is a difference between an argument and a productive conversation. Only when you’re able to have productive conversations will you actually resolve your relationship issues.

1. Recognize your patterns

Recognizing harmful patterns is the first step to breaking free of them. Some of the most common patterns that lead to relationship arguments are: Reliving the past.

You can’t change the past, so why keep bringing it up? If you can’t let go of the past, you’re preventing yourself from moving forward. Avoiding confrontation.

Every relationship has conflict – the lasting ones figure out how to resolve it. Avoiding confrontation leads to bigger arguments down the line. Competing to be heard.

The most important part of communication is listening. If you end up yelling and feeling like you need to “win” the argument, your relationship has already lost. Not being present.

A conversation can devolve into an argument if one partner feels like they’re not being heard. You are your partner’s number one fan, and making an effort to actively demonstrate that you are is one of the best ways to avoid arguments with your partner.

2. Rephrase your thoughts

One of the easiest ways to avoid relationship arguments is to stop accusing your partner of being the problem. When you throw out accusations, it automatically puts your partner on the defensive – and people on the defensive say and do things they don’t mean and that are not productive. Making the conversation about your own feelings rather than your partner’s actions is a more compassionate way to communicate.

This means using “I statements” rather than “you statements.” “I statements” start with “I feel” and express nonjudgmental emotions. They open up the conversation to your partner to talk about their own feelings, and how you can come to an agreement.

Another reason “I statements” are useful is that they get to the core of the problem. To avoid arguments in relationships, you need to stop rehashing the same small fights and think about the bigger issue. Rather than getting stuck on a single event, like “You never do the dishes,” using an “I statement” forces you to think about why it upsets you. It tells your partner what the real problem is: “I feel unappreciated” or “I feel our relationship is unequal” are statements about bigger issues. This allows the conflict to become an opportunity to reach an understanding and creates a new level of trust and intimacy.

3. Watch your tone

The saying “it’s not what you say, but how you say it” has become so commonly used, it’s almost a cliché. But that’s because it’s true. One expert found that 38% of a message is conveyed through vocal elements other than your words – so if you’re wondering how to avoid arguments in a relationship, look at your tone first. Using the right tone opens up a conversation because your partner won’t feel judged. Using the wrong tone shuts down the conversation and turns it into an argument.

Your tone can put your partner on the defensive just as much as your actual words. When you make your “I statement” or start a discussion with your partner, make sure you do so without yelling, sarcasm or exasperation. Talk at a normal pitch and a steady pace. Don’t slow down too much, but make sure you pause between thoughts so your partner has a chance to process. Starting a conversation on neutral ground goes a long way to avoiding relationship arguments.

4. Listen

Listening makes up about 45% of the time we spend communicating – but sometimes we aren’t very good at it, especially with our partners. When you come home after a long day at work, you’ve probably already spent a huge amount of time listening. Or perhaps you’ve spent all day thinking of important things to tell your partner – and you don’t leave room to hear what they have to say. Use the power of deep listening and you’ll learn how to avoid arguments in a relationship: Avoid distractions.

Turn off the TV or podcast, step away from your phone and focus on your partner. Use your body language.

Show that you’re listening by facing your partner, making eye contact and encouraging them to talk by nodding or using verbal prompts. Summarize the conversation.

We often spend our time “listening” preparing a response for the speaker. This is not true listening. Rather than responding with your own feelings or with a solution, offer a summary of what your partner said that reads deeper between the lines. “It sounds like you’re unhappy with” or “What I’m hearing is” are good summary starters. Ask questions.

Don’t assume you know where the story or thought is going, and don’t offer up your own experiences to show understanding. Instead, ask questions. They show that you’re interested and want to help, rather than making the conversation about you.

5. Defuse the situation

Despite all your best efforts, from time to time you’ll still need to know how to handle arguments in a relationship. We are all human, after all. You now have the tools to recognize when communication is breaking down – and you can still take steps to defuse the argument. If you notice you’re getting defensive, making the same points repeatedly or bringing up the past, stop. Take a breath and start again with an “I statement.” You can even say, “OK, let’s start over” and begin again or ask your partner to begin again.

Using humor can work to defuse a situation before it turns into an argument. This works especially well with small arguments that you seem to have over and over – the classic putting-down-the-toilet-seat argument, for example. Rather than getting caught up in bickering that doesn’t lead to a solution, laugh about it and move on. Your relationship is more important than having that argument.

Whether you’re looking for ways to avoid constant arguing in a relationship or defuse occasional flareups, these strategies work. Good communication is a building block of any successful relationship. If you do the work, you’ll reap the rewards of intimacy, passion and unconditional love. It isn’t always easy, but it’s worth it.

It’s not what you say, but how you say it.

Tone of voice often means much more than what you say

In his book, The Relationship Cure, Dr. Gottman reveals that when it comes to assessing the meaning of communication in relationships, only 7% of that meaning comes from the spoken word, while 38% comes from the tone of voice in communication.

Words that may seem neutral can become provoking if spoken with a sarcastic, demeaning or contemptuous tone of voice, causing the listener to feel hurt and disrespected. A soft tone of voice is often interpreted as lack of confidence – but too loud, and you’ll be seen as aggressive.

You want your listener to focus on your words, not be distracted by your demeanor. You need to learn how to watch your tone – and use it to get what you want.   What is tone of voice in communication?

Your tone of voice is the manner in which you speak to someone, not just your words. Along with nonverbal cues like body language and eye contact, tone of voice is an essential element of communication that often “speaks” more powerfully than your actual words ever could. It can help you build rapport, make connections, influence others and get what you want in relationships, your career and your life.

Examples of tones of voice include formal and informal, humorous, factual, respectful, assertive, questioning and conversational. Yet every tone of voice in communication is made up of four different aspects that come together to help you get your point across. Learning how to watch your tone – and use it to achieve your goals – depends on being aware of these elements.

relationships_8_tony_robbins Pitch

Your pitch is how high or how low your voice can fluctuate. An overly high-pitched voice can suggest immaturity and defensiveness. And if you end a sentence using a higher pitch, that can sound more like a question instead of an affirmative statement, which will only leave your partner feeling confused.

Your pitch is a powerful part of tone of voice in communication because it helps you cut through noise. When you’re needing to make a professional impression or drive in a point, a low pitch can make you seem more authoritative and serious, even if what you’re actually saying isn’t profound. Consequently, your tone of voice can have the opposite effect. If you’re constantly at a high pitch, others might assume you’re unsure about what you want to convey. This can lead to a sense of untrustworthiness that can make it harder to get what you want. Pace

How quickly or slowly do you speak when you and your partner are in the middle of an argument? During a presentation at work? In addition to fine-tuning your talking tone, you must also be mindful of your pace. When you slow down, you can help your audience understand what you are saying and they will be better able to absorb your message. However, speaking too slowly can be misconstrued as demeaning and offensive. To really get your message across, focus on articulating and conveying your message as clearly as possible by speaking at a steady, even pace.

A good rule of thumb, especially if you’re speaking in front of an audience, is to speak at half the speed you normally talk. This helps make sure your tone of voice is clear enough so everyone in the audience can understand.

A steady and even pace is powerful because it cultivates focus. It’s much easier for your partner or audience to listen if you’re speaking slowly. It’s a lot harder for a listener to understand what you want to say and stay engaged if you don’t watch your tone and instead speak at a fast speed and string words together. Volume

This goes without saying: Yelling at your partner will backfire, either by causing an argument or making them retreat from the conversation entirely. This is often how tone of voice affects relationships negatively, but it also applies to conversations with colleagues, family and anyone else you encounter. Speaking too loudly makes you seem aggressive and insensitive. Instead of raising your voice, if you want to emphasize something, slow the pace of your words. Pause to highlight major points or to give your audience time to take in your point. Timbre

This is the emotional quality of your tone of voice in communication – the attitude you bring to what you say. Your audience will use this to build their understanding of what you are saying. Practice managing your voice and taking note of how you sound (e.g., frustrated, rushed, happy, sad). This will help you become more aware of the way your attitude is filtered through the inflections of your voice.

Emotionally charged words set you apart. One of the most powerful ways to cultivate a powerful tone of voice is to shift your mindset to your heart and let your message shine through your words. watch your tone of voice Importance of tone of voice when communicating

Whether it’s from your parents or during a marketing seminar, you’ve probably heard something about your “tone of voice” at some point in your life. But why is it so important?

Your tone of voice encompasses your words. It’s how you speak and the lasting impression words make on everyone around you. Think of your tone of voice like a personalized vocal “fingerprint” that distinguishes who you are and can tell others so much about you. Are you confident? Positive? Interesting? Humble? Empathetic? Your tone of voice in communication tells people all that and more.

Your tone of voice is powerful because it projects who you are as a person. Your friends, family, clients and partners are people just like you who respond best to words and phrases that make them feel good. But your tone of voice is at its most powerful in your romantic relationships. How tone of voice affects relationships

While we’ve always known that tone of voice is an important part of clear communication, just how critical are things like vocal inflection, volume, and pitch when it comes to the health of your relationship? According to a 2015 study that examined hundreds of conversations from over 100 couples during marriage therapy sessions, the ability to watch your tone may be a key indicator of your relationship success.

Over the course of two years, researchers from the University of Southern California recorded hundreds of conversations from marriage counseling sessions. The researchers then analyzed the recordings, looking at things like pitch, intensity and even warbles in the voice that can indicate moments of intense emotion. They also looked at the impact one partner’s tone of voice had on the other.

To compare the data, a separate group of experts analyzed the behavior of the couples, taking special note of positive qualities like “acceptance” or negative qualities like “blame.” The researchers then tracked the couples over a period of five years to determine if there was any change in their relationship. Gift of emotion Tone of voice predicts relationship success

What the researchers found about tone of voice in communication confirmed what many of us already know intuitively – that communication is not just about what you say, but how you say it. And the data showed that studying the couple’s voices, rather than their behaviors, better predicted the eventual improvement or deterioration of the relationship.

“Psychological practitioners and researchers have long known that the way that partners talk about and discuss problems has important implications for the health of their relationships. However, the lack of efficient and reliable tools for measuring the important elements in those conversations has been a major impediment in their widespread clinical use. These findings represent a major step forward in making an objective measurement of behavior practical and feasible for couple therapists,” said collaborator Brian Baucom of the University of Utah. Let your tone of voice shine when communicating

It’s easy to assume others know what we’re saying. This can raise issues and lead to situations where important feelings or emotions weren’t discussed.

Instead of retreating backwards and going through the motions of communicating, step forward and practice mindfulness about your tone of voice in communication and how it influences others. Becoming aware of the words you use and the type of emotion you give off when speaking is a powerful way to remain present when communicating with your partner. It’s in these moments of authenticity where barriers break down and you both can really share how you feel.

The importance of tone of voice when communicating can’t be overstated. If you want to get ahead in your career, build extraordinary relationships, raise a healthy family and create deep, lasting friendships, you must become aware of your tone of voice and how it affects your life.

This piece was specially written for the Tony Robbins blog by world–renowned couples’ therapist Esther Perel.

A few weeks ago, I had the honor of sitting down with my dear friend Tony Robbins for a conversation about my new book, The State of Affairs. Tony and I have worked together since 2004 and we both believe that the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives, so we knew we were going to have fun, but we surprised even ourselves. We talked for more than two hours.

Tony turned it all into a podcast which I encourage you to listen to here.

We touched the full spectrum of relationship questions that keep people up at night: What is so different about relationships today? Why does modern love seem so damn hard? How do we keep passion alive? Why do people cheat? Even those in happy marriages? How can you avoid an affair? When trust is broken, can it be healed? What can we learn from infidelity? How can you turn a crisis into an opportunity? What do the French think about infidelity? (A quick reminder: I am not French.)

But, perhaps most importantly: Where do we learn to love and how?

This is one of my favorite questions.

As a person that speaks nine languages, I’ve learned how important it is to practice the basic verbs. These are the first verbs we learn for speech and, often, they are the first we learn in love. The seven I like to pay special attention to are:

1. to ask

2. to take

3. to receive

4. to give

5. to share

6. to refuse

7. to play/imagine

When we learned these verbs as children, some grew strong, others grew weak. We built them into the foundations of our defense mechanisms and our survival strategies; our strengths and our vulnerabilities. This emotional history is also expressed in the physicality of sex. That is why I often say, “tell me how you were loved (as a child), and I will tell you how you make love (as an adult).” All of these verbs come into play when we face the everyday challenges of modern love – and when we face the age-old taboo of infidelity.

I wrote The State of Affairs because we need a new vocabulary and new tools for talking about something that affects up to 80% of people (as the children, the friend, the offspring or the third that completes the triangle). We need new answers to questions like “How can I recover after an affair?” and “How can I affair-proof my marriage?” because the answers right now aren’t adequate: infidelity is one of the top reasons couples divorce in America, and the rate of affairs is rising.

So why am I still talking about verbs? Because the best way to affair-proof a marriage is to build a robust relationship that incorporates all of the parts of yourself – and that’s also one of the stages of recovery after an affair. Many people stray not because they are looking for another partner, but rather because they are looking for another self: one that remembers how to play, to take, to give or to receive. Working on your verbs is not the only answer, but it’s a strong step in the right direction.

We get better at what we do, we become what we repeat. And so if you want to strengthen one of your verbs, do what Tony says in the podcast, “Pick one and make it a focus.” Give it massaging, caring, effort. Build that muscle. Ask yourself: Which is the verb that needs the most stretching for you? Which comes easiest? And which verb do you need to practice now?

And after you’ve done that for a bit, come back here for more conversations about relationships and the future of modern love. We have much more to talk about, including more ways we can work on Rekindling Desire and building relationship resilience. We’re only just getting started.

In today’s culture of dating reality shows, smartphone apps and romantic comedies, it’s easy to forget one thing: relationships are work. Rarely do we “swipe right,” fall in love and automatically live happily ever after. And when the going gets tough, it’s tempting to throw in the towel, say “it wouldn’t have worked out anyway,” and move on – rather than doing the work to learn how to resolve conflict in a relationship.

Eliminate relationship conflict with the Ultimate Relationship Guide What causes relationship conflict?

Disagreements in relationships happen for many reasons, from minor everyday conflicts like who does the dishes, to serious issues like infidelity. Some common relationship stressors include loss of attraction and passion, emotional stonewalling and loss of commitment, as well as finances, family responsibilities and insecurity. Stress in other areas of our lives also impacts our relationships: When you come home from work frustrated and exhausted or you’re dealing with conflict with other friends or family members, that stress is contagious. You must learn how to resolve conflict in all areas of your life to help your relationship. How to save your relationship

You’re already reading about how to save your relationship, so you’ve figured out the first step: you must have the desire to save it. If that desire is there, you must learn how to channel it into constructive steps that can fix what is broken, resolve underlying conflicts and ultimately save your relationship.

1. Examine your focus

   Focus determines direction. If you’re focused on building a beautiful passionate relationship, that’s what you’ll achieve. — Tony Robbins

Disagreements in relationships become harmful when you’re focused on defending yourself from attack rather than on solving the problem. By focusing on your pain and suffering, you are ensuring you’ll experience more of the same, because where focus goes, energy flows. As Tony says, “Whatever we consistently focus on is exactly what we will experience in our lives.”

Years ago, Tony would take a two-lane highway lined only by power line posts at 10–20 yard intervals. One of these seemed to be perpetually decorated by flowers, candles and photographs. With so much space on either side of the post, it was amazing how many people had died or been injured hitting it. Why didn’t the victim evade it? Why didn’t they swerve to either side?

It’s because people would focus all their attention on not hitting the pole. But, our focus determines our direction. If we don’t want to hit the pole, we need to focus on what we do want: staying on the road! By changing our focus, we can change the result.

This lesson applies to how to save your relationship. If you focus on where you don’t want your relationship to end up, fighting and letting anger build, you’ll find yourself where you don’t want to be – either in a painful, unfulfilling relationship or separated from your partner altogether. If you focus on resolving conflict and growing together, you’ll get the outcomes that you do want.

2. Communicate

You’re sitting in a coffee shop. There are two couples in the shop sitting near you. The couple to your left is arguing about whether they want to go to dinner with friends. He says, “It’s never fun – you said so yourself last time.” She responds, “Of course you would say that, because they’re my friends, and you’ve never given any of my friends a chance.” He rolls his eyes, and in a very sarcastic tone says, “Here we go. War and Peace, our personal edition, volume whatever.” They turn away from each other and sit in silence.

The couple to your right is also discussing whether they want to go to dinner with friends. He says, “I guess I’m a little worried that it will go on for hours and that it might not be that fun. What do you think?” She says, “I get that. I really want to go, but maybe we can plan a time when we have to leave as a compromise?” She continues, touching his hand and smiling, “Besides, it will be nice to get home early.” He smiles and nods, and they continue to read and drink their coffee.

Both couples were presented with a conflict – the same conflict, in fact. But one knew how to resolve conflict in a relationship, and the other did not. One reacted by relying on bad habits and used the conflict to widen a rift between them. The other used the conflict as an opportunity to communicate their feelings and grow their relationship. Which couple do you think has the more successful, fulfilling relationship? Which relationship do you think will last longer? Communication is essential to resolving disagreements in relationships.

3. Turn conflict into opportunity

In the coffee shop example, one couple has discovered how to resolve conflict in a relationship: don’t treat it as a competition. Why would you want your partner, the person you love, to lose? When you accept that there are no losers in love, you can let go of petty arguments and embrace healthy communication.

Conflicts are opportunities for you and your partner to align on values and outcomes. They are chances to understand, appreciate and embrace differences. Put yourself in your partner’s place and make an effort to understand their experience. These experiences and emotions can be uncomfortable, but if we always opt for comfort then we never grow.

Conflict is also an opportunity to learn more about your partner and love them on an even deeper level. Learn to see conflicts as transitions to something better, rather than as reasons to retreat. The next time you find yourself disagreeing with your partner and wondering how to save your relationship, choose to see the positive in the situation – and actively decide to work toward a more stable future together.

4. Use humor

If you find yourself in a retaliatory spiral, a good tactic is to use humor to break the pattern. Humor can release tension and allow you and your partner to focus on what you both want – learning how to save your relationship – rather than on what you both don’t want, another pointless argument. If you feel an argument escalating, take a moment to derail it. Argue while talking like Christopher Walken or William Shatner. Sing a song that makes your partner laugh. Make the conflict ridiculous.

To illustrate this point, let’s return to the coffee shop example. You see an older couple. The man accidentally spills his tea all over the table and some splashes onto his wife’s favorite dress. He gets up for some napkins, and she smiles and jokes aloud to the other customers, “For 20 years he’s been doing this to me – never finished a cup yet!” He comes back, dabs the tea off her and jokes back to the other patrons, “She was asking for it!” They both laugh, and you do too, along with everyone else in the shop.

Some couples would have turned the situation into an argument, but by using humor to nip the retaliatory spiral in the bud, this husband and wife seized the moment and turned it into an opportunity to practice how to resolve conflict in a relationship.

5. Ask the right questions

If you’re wondering how to save your relationship, chances are that things have been going wrong for quite some time. You need to not only dig into the past to uncover the real, deeper issues, but also look to the future. It’s all about asking yourself the right questions.

First, ensure you’re beginning this exercise from the right mindset. The point is not to place blame, dig up old arguments or tell your partner all the things they do that annoy you. You must change your mindset to one of gratitude and acceptance. Embrace the fact that life is happening for you, not to you. Even the current state of your relationship is presenting you with the chance to learn and grow – so long as you are open to what it has to tell you.

Now you’re ready to ask yourself essential questions: Why did your relationship break down? What are the limiting beliefs you and your partner have been living by that have affected your relationship? How can you overcome them? And what do you want for the future? What will your relationship focus on?

6. Practice acceptance

Apply your new abundance mindset to your partner. All our partners have habits that annoy us, because no human being is perfect. Instead of dwelling on their negative traits, focus instead on what they bring to the table, how they make you feel and the qualities that you love. You’ll find that you’ll soon start to miss even the things that used to drive you crazy, because they are part of that whole person, your partner, whom you adore.

Remember the two couples at the café? The successful couple who put energy into understanding each other’s needs reaffirmed their support for one another – she supported his need to leave at a certain hour and he supported her need to socialize with friends. They communicated with each other, assessed one another’s needs and made it a fun issue to solve instead of letting something minor turn into a major argument.

Listen to your partner, understand what they’re saying and why they feel the way they do. And be accepting of yourself too: Be honest about your own feelings and emotions. Be your authentic self. Personal flaws aren’t the reason you’re asking how to save your relationship. They’re actually a powerful tool to show your partner just how much you love them.

7. Be aware of your negative patterns

Humans are creatures of habit. We all have patterns, both positive and negative, that affect our decisions and behaviors. We may automatically respond defensively to our partners or turn inward and blame ourselves for relationship conflict – closing off, but eventually exploding. Many of us resort to standbys like giving our partners space or even the silent treatment.

If anyone asked you if you knew how to resolve conflict, you’d probably say yes, and if they asked you whether the silent treatment or ignoring the problem were smart ways to deal with conflict, you’d almost certainly say no. You know better than to resort to these silly tactics, but if you’re hurt enough, you do it anyway. Why? Why fall back on negative patterns instead of working to actually fix the communication issues at hand?

8. Work on forgiveness

seeing things from others’ perspectives

If you’re wondering how to save your relationship because your trust was broken, you’re probably feeling angry, bitter, hurt, mistrustful and a whole host of other negative emotions. If you’re the person who broke the trust, you’re feeling guilty and ashamed. You may even try to blame your partner or justify your actions. In this situation, both partners need to work on forgiveness.

You won’t just wake up one day and magically feel forgiving toward your partner. Forgiveness is a process. It’s a series of small acts – admitting mistakes, practicing total honesty and putting your partner first – that add up over time. Forgiveness takes work.

If you’re the partner that broke the trust, you must take full responsibility. Be respectful of how you hurt your partner, and give them the space they need. Put your partner first, and don’t fall into a cycle of self-blame. If your trust was broken, take some space, but continue to communicate. Let your partner know what you need to rebuild trust. Most of all, never give up.

9. Make time for touch

When you’re always fighting with your partner – when every little thing they do annoys you – it can be hard to be affectionate. But you must make time for touch. This doesn’t just mean sex – it also means cuddling on the couch during a movie, sneaking a morning hug before work and holding hands for no reason at all.

There’s a reason that touching your partner makes you feel so good: Cuddling, hugging and even holding hands cause the release of oxytocin, a “feel-good” chemical in your brain that makes you feel safe and loved. Oxytocin can lower stress, help you sleep, make you feel more connected to your partner and even decrease blood pressure. You get all those benefits just from reaching over and taking your partner’s hand.

Don’t withhold physical affection – even when you’re mad – or you could find yourself in a completely sexless marriage. If you really want to solve relationship conflict, start with physical touch. Cuddle before bedtime. Hold hands when you’re out to dinner with friends. Sneak a kiss as you’re making dinner. Physical affection isn’t a result of a happy relationship – it creates a happy relationship.

Relationships aren’t easy. We are all human – and humans make mistakes. We have flaws. Sometimes, we just don’t put in the work we need to and we let our relationships fall by the wayside. By the time we start looking into how to resolve conflict in a relationship, it may have been neglected for years. But remember this: Many relationships are worth saving. You just need to be willing to do the work.

Conflict isn’t necessarily good or bad for a relationship. If both partners have good communication skills and see conflict as an opportunity to grow, learn and make the relationship stronger, conflict can even be a good thing. But when disagreements in relationships make you feel attacked or threatened, vulnerable and weak, this can make you recoil and retreat – and be very bad for your relationship.

When things your partner does upset you and you feel that you’re under siege, you’re less likely to respond constructively and more likely to resort to unhealthy behaviors. This type of conflict is harmful for any relationship.

How do you know if a relationship is worth saving?

Even if you feel lost and alone, know that nearly all of the time your relationship is worth saving. You have history. You’ve been through a lot together – many relationships last years or even decades before getting to this point. Your partner knows you better than anyone else, and they will be there for you like no one else will be.

If you still have fun with your partner and can’t imagine your life without them – even if you have frequent relationship conflict – that’s a strong sign your relationship is worth saving. If you have the same values, have created a shared vision for your life together and still make each other smile, it’s not yet time to let go.

How do you know if a relationship is worth saving?

Even if you feel lost and alone, know that nearly all of the time your relationship is worth saving. You have history. You’ve been through a lot together – many relationships last years or even decades before getting to this point. Your partner knows you better than anyone else, and they will be there for you like no one else will be.

If you still have fun with your partner and can’t imagine your life without them – even if you have frequent relationship conflict – that’s a strong sign your relationship is worth saving. If you have the same values, have created a shared vision for your life together and still make each other smile, it’s not yet time to let go.

Why is communication in relationships important?

Communication in relationships is essential to having a happy, healthy partnership. Your partner is likely the person you spend the most time with, which means there’s a greater risk of misunderstandings and conflict. But when you perfect communication in relationships, you’ll be rewarded. ✓ Increased trust

Real communication in relationships means that you can go to your partner about anything: sharing happiness and sadness, good days and bad. You’re willing to be vulnerable with them because you know that they will support you and love you no matter what. Absolute courage and vulnerability is one of the Five Disciplines of Love because it leads to total trust in your relationship. ✓ Better conflict resolution

We all know couples who seem to fight all the time – and those who seem to never fight at all. While all relationships have ups and downs, both frequent fighting and no fighting at all are signs of a lack of communication in relationships. The key isn’t to never disagree with your partner. It’s to improve your conflict resolution skills by using the eight tips above so that when disagreements do happen, you’re able to turn them into something that strengthens your relationship instead of tearing it down.  ✓

Increased intimacy

Discovering how to improve communication in relationships is excellent for your emotional intimacy, or ability to listen, understand and be compassionate toward your partner. Developing your communication skills shows that you respect and value your partner and their feelings and opinions. When people feel honored and accepted in this way, emotional intimacy skyrockets – and physical intimacy often follows. Is there such a thing as over-communication?

Yes, over-communication in relationships does exist in certain contexts. There are two common defense mechanisms when people are feeling anxious or unsure of how to express themselves: internalizing and externalizing. People who internalize tend to shut down and withdraw during conflicts; those who externalize want to talk it out, sometimes excessively.

In both of these cases, more communication doesn’t necessarily equal good communication. Internalizers may need space before they’re ready to talk; externalizers may need to slow down and refine their message. Before you’re tempted to say more, think about how you can say it better instead. How to communicate in a relationship

Communication in relationships can be the difference between a strong, lifelong partnership or a conflict-filled bond that ends in disappointment. Learning how to communicate better is vital.

1. Commit to true connection

The biggest misconception about how to communicate in a relationship is that communication is the same as talking or making conversation. Communication in relationships, at its core, is about connecting and using your verbal, written and physical skills to fulfill your partner’s needs. It’s not about making small talk. It’s about understanding your partner’s point of view, offering support and letting your partner know you are their #1 fan.

It’s easy to let real connection and passion diminish, especially in long-term relationships. But the first key to how to improve communication in a relationship is to admit that you’re not connecting the way you used to. Talk with your partner about rekindling your connection and provide a starting point. If your partner isn’t on board, don’t worry. Relationships are a place where you go to give, not one where you go to take. You can still enact many of these strategies without a commitment from your partner – and you may even inspire them to reciprocate.

2. Identify your communication styles

Before you work on learning how to improve communication in a relationship, you need to realize that not everyone has the same communication style. The four main communication styles are passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive and assertive. Passive communicators keep their emotions inside and are the ones who can never seem to say “no.” Aggressive communicators are loud and intense, but typically have trouble making real connections with others. Passive-aggressive communicators avoid conflict and use sarcasm to deflect real communication. The healthiest type of communication is assertive: These people are in touch with their emotions and know how to communicate them effectively.

Communication styles also involve our metaprograms, or the ways that we respond to information. Some people like to talk, some prefer touch and others are more visual or respond better to gift giving than an outward discussion of feelings. You probably know which communication style you prefer, but what about your partner?

Communication and relationships are all different. Effective communication with your partner will come from acknowledging this. Your partner can be telling you exactly what they need, but you have to be cognizant of how they convey this information to you. If there’s miscommunication, you’ll miss the opportunity to build trust and intimacy, and you’ll both feel frustrated.

When striving to learn how to communicate better, watch your partner respond to different perceptive cues over a day or two. Does he or she seem to respond most to seeing and watching? Hearing and talking? Or touching and doing? For example, if your partner is more responsive to language, tone and other auditory cues, making lots of eye contact and gentle facial expressions isn’t communicating as much to them as you think. You’re sending signals but they’re not picking them up. On the other hand, if you find that you are an auditory person and your partner is a kinesthetic person, remember that saying “I love you” may not be enough. Reinforce your love with touch, and remember to do so often.

3. Discover the Six Human Needs

There are six fundamental needs that all humans share, but each of us puts these needs in a different order in accordance with our core values. Once you discover which needs matter the most to your partner, you’ll know how to communicate with your partner and in a way that fulfills them.

The first human need is the need for certainty. It’s this need that drives us to seek out pleasure and avoid pain, stress and emotional risks. Ask yourself these questions: How secure is my partner feeling in our relationship? We all find safety and comfort in different things. Be open with your partner about what gives them certainty and makes them feel stable.

The second human need that affects communication and relationships is the need for variety. Uncertainty isn’t always scary if you know how to communicate with your partner. Relationships need healthy challenges that allow partners to grow together. As you learn how to communicate better, you’ll find that variety keeps things fun and exciting with your partner.

Significance is the third human need: We all need to feel unique and important. Communication is key to this particular desire because your partner needs to know that you need them, in a singular way – that they fulfill your needs in ways that only they can. How do you demonstrate to your partner, not just tell them, that they are significant to you? You can show them through loving touch, offering them support when they need it and spending quality time with them.

The fourth basic human need is for connection and love. Every human needs to feel connected with others. Effective communication in relationships lets us know that we are loved and can make us feel at our most alive, but absence of love can cause pain like nothing else can. Too often we automatically say “I love you” in order to solve a conflict with our partners and forget to show love in a real, tangible way that speaks to our partner’s needs. Reverse this pattern: Consciously show your partner that you love them every day, in a way that speaks to their personal preferences and needs. Learning how to improve communication in a relationship is about realizing what “language” your partner best understands and giving them love in that way.

Growth is the fifth human need. The human experience is one of motion and without constant growth, our relationships will become stale. We constantly endeavor to evolve along the different paths that interest us the most, whether these are emotional, intellectual, spiritual or otherwise. Your partner has the need for growth as much as you do and when we learn how to communicate better, we can also learn how to better grow together. When was the last time you supported your partner’s growth in the areas that they are most passionate about? How can you continue to support them to the fullest?

The sixth and final human need is contribution and giving. Remember, the secret to living is giving. Contribution is our source of meaning – it determines who we become and solidifies our legacy, who we are and our role in the world. Consider what you give to your partner and how you can give more. Are you giving your time? Your undivided attention? The benefit of the doubt? A second chance? When communication in relationships is strong, both partners are able to continually come up with new and better ways of contributing to the other’s happiness.

Whoever said “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” must have been married to a stuffed unicorn. Or a plastic potted plant. Because if they were in a relationship with a human, that statement likely turned into “Love means I’m on a dirt road to divorce court because I never say I’m sorry.”

Let’s face it. Even healthy, happy couples argue – and sometimes they fight dirty. Despite the hard work you put into your relationship, despite the hours you spend on personal development and managing your state, and certainly despite your best and most loving intentions, you won’t always handle relationship conflict well. We all mess up sometimes. Some of these mistakes are foolish and unintentional. But sometimes we launch targeted attacks on our mate’s vulnerability. We cause harm to our partner and to the intimacy between us. So, what do you do when you wound others with words?

Apologize. Don’t ignore the mistakes. If you don’t tend to wounds, they can accumulate, and unacknowledged wounds can build walls between you. But our mistakes are also our greatest teachers. Every unskillful act or word gives us the opportunity to begin again. When you fail at loving mindfully, I recommend you take a love mulligan. In golf, some players allow themselves a do-over after a lousy shot, a second chance to make it right. This works great in love, too. When the damage has been done, skillful couples make a repair and start over. When they get stuck in a sand trap, they are determined to dig themselves out, learn something, and do better the next time around. How to give, and receive, an apology

To give or receive a good apology is an art – and a good apology takes two people. There is the giver and the receiver. The apology must be offered, and it must be accepted. An apology that heals is based in kindness, generosity, and compassion. I’ve hurt you. I realize it. As the offender, I offer you my repair. I apologize with a kind heart, voice, and words. I attempt to renew our intimacy, and bring us into closeness again. But I cannot repair it alone. Even an apology crafted by the Buddha himself is not complete unless the recipient accepts it with grace and offers something in return: forgiveness. When you have hurt me, I see you struggle. And I love you, so I hear your apology with a kind heart, ears, and mind. And then I forgive you. Without my forgiveness, our rift cannot heal.

So, we, the offender and offended bear equal responsibility for bringing together that which was torn apart. We are lovers, together. Our relationship is something we each take full responsibility for. My mindset causes my unhappiness, not you. So even when you’ve said something cruel, I can choose, with my mind, to let it go – to see beyond the temporary clouds of fear, ego, and story to love underneath. So yes, my darling, I forgive you. I forgive you for your humanity, your flaws, your missteps. And I ask you to do the same for me when I fail.

The mindful apology in practice: repair, forgive, begin again

Repair Here is a repair manual for when something you’ve said has upset your partner. “I’m sorry” is a good start, but for an apology to rebuild intimacy, it should have three qualities. If you have said something unfair, first you need to own the mistake. Second, you need to repair the damage. Third, you need to vow to improve.

So, practice saying, “I’m sorry” in the form Own, Repair, Improve. I did X (own), I’m sorry (repair), and I’m going to do Y (improve). It might sound something like this: “Sweetheart, I want to acknowledge that I said I hate going to see you play baseball and that sports are a waste of time. That was a mean thing to say (own). Sometimes I’m selfish about my time, and that’s not fair to you. I’m sorry I said that (repair). Next time you ask me to come to a game, I’m going to say yes (improve).” You can include some humor for bonus points: “But hey, let’s be real, you married an artist who can’t throw a ball, what do you expect? I love you, babe.”

Forgive Can you forgive and forget? If you have been hurt, you may never completely forget. But you can always forgive because forgiveness is a choice – a choice you may need to make over and over again. When your troublesome mind seizes on something your partner said or did that hurt you, you’ve forgotten the present moment. You are reliving something that no longer exists. You are creating your own suffering here and now, based on a story. Unless you can choose to forgive your beloved, you cannot dance in the present moment with them. You are tainted by the past.

By choosing to forgive your partner, you are also choosing to forgive yourself, because you make mistakes too. Choose to stop creating pain in this perfect moment. “I forgive you” is a good start to accepting an apology. But if you aspire to be a generous lover, I recommend three steps for the receiver, as well. First, thank your partner for caring so much about you and your relationship. Second, acknowledge that your partner has owned their mistake and is attempting to repair it. Then third, accept the apology.

So practice saying “I forgive you,” in the form Thank, Acknowledge, Accept. Thank you for saying X (thank), I appreciate you owning what you said (acknowledge), and I forgive you for Y (accept). It might sound something like this: “Thanks for saying that (thank). It made me upset when you were rude about my baseball game. I felt like you aren’t interested in the sport I love. It takes guts to admit you were mean (acknowledge). It’s okay. I accept your apology. I’d love it if you would come to the game Wednesday (accept).” You can include humor here too for bonus points: “And hey, maybe we can go for drinks after at the weird art café you like!”

Begin Again Unfinished business accumulates. Let go of the small slights and the large wounds so they don’t pile up. Practice dual apologies often. Love means saying I’m sorry. I forgive you. And now we begin again, in this very moment, as friends, and as generous lovers. Because you are a lot more fun than a stuffed unicorn.

If you would like to learn more about how to create love and passion that last a lifetime, check out Dr. Cheryl’s FREE Passion Masterclass – where you’ll learn hto reignite great love, romance, and sex so you can fall in love all over again – with the one you are with. About Dr. Cheryl Fraser

Cheryl Fraser, PhD, is a Buddhist psychologist, sex therapist, author and speaker who has helped thousands of couples jumpstart their love life and create passion that lasts a lifetime. An awarded Fulbright scholar, she has conducted extensive research on sexual behavior and what causes love relationships to to succeed or fail. Her new book, Buddha’s Bedroom, Dr. Fraser presents enlivening mindfulness exercises, techniques from couples and sex therapy, and the wisdom of Buddhist teachings to help couples break free from the monotony of familiar routines, and reignite the passion they once had.

This article was contributed by special guest David Hilton of LIFE Marriage Retreats – see full bio below.

Anyone who has ever tried to make a decision – small or big – with their partner knows how difficult it is. Why is it so hard? When you are single, your decisions are your own; they only require personal buy-in and typically they have very little impact on other people. (Or at least that’s what you tell yourself!)

When you’re in a committed relationship, on the other hand, decisions require buy-in from both parties, and nearly every decision you make has an impact on your partner.

Once two people enter into a relationship, the number of decisions they should make on their own decreases significantly because their respective decision circles overlap. This is not necessarily because all of these decisions must be made together, but rather because nearly every decision you make individually in a relationship has an impact on the other person. In order to maintain a healthy relationship, each partner must at least consider their spouse when making decisions. Whether you are actively making decisions together or considering one another in your individual decisions, there are relatively few that you should make completely on your own.

However, the degree to which your two decision circles overlap is entirely up to you and your partner, and it is different for every couple. Still, the more decisions a couple can successfully share and/or confidently defer to the others judgement on, the better. If one or both partners are making excessive unilateral decisions, then, sooner or later, the relationship will suffer.

A while ago, I worked with a couple at one of our marriage retreats. It became clear to me early on that they struggled with joint decision-making. When I showed the wife the way decision-making as a couple was so intertwined, she winced. Pointing to the model in which the two circles are separate, she said, “That is my ideal relationship.” Her ideal, though, is not compatible with a committed relationship. So, despite her strong desire to improve the relationship with her husband, she could not let go of her desire for complete freedom, and, ultimately, she chose to end the marriage.

How decision-making builds connection and trust

It doesn’t always end this way. I’ve also worked with couples who had been making excessive unilateral decisions but were able to correct their course and save their marriage. One couple, for instance, had been living separately at the time that they came to our retreat. They were hardly considering one another from day to day and only included one another in decision-making when one of them happened to be visiting the other, which wasn’t often. After the retreat, they decided to move back in together. They coordinated their schedules, committed to regular date nights, and checked in with each other multiple times a day. What seemed like a gamble to them at the outset truly paid off and brought their relationship to a higher level.

Both of these examples show us how pivotal decision-making in relationships is for the overall health of the partnership. Each decision you as a couple can successfully make together brings you closer to each other – deepens the connection and increases the level of trust that you are looking out for each other, putting each other’s needs equal to (if not above) your own. When you begin to operate as if your partner’s needs are your own and take full responsibility for their feelings, then you have achieved what Tony refers to as a three-dimensional relationship. This is the most evolved and sustainable level of a relationship, and is where we should strive to be. Three principles for joint decision-making

Now you’re ready to make all these decisions as a couple, right? Not so fast. To effectively take action, there are three principles that you must live by as you go through the process:

• Communication. Understand one another’s perspective. How do they see things? Let them tell you what they see and what they believe to be true. Make sure they understand that their input is valuable and contributes significantly to the outcome, the final decision.

• Respect. When your partner makes his or her own decisions, you must openly and wholeheartedly respect their judgement and allow them the freedom to succeed or fail on their own.

• Trustworthiness. When making your own decisions, you must consistently show your partner that you can make good decisions on your own. As Tony often says, It’s not what we do once in a while that shapes our lives, but what we do consistently that makes a lasting change.

As long as you both communicate with each other, respect one another, and individually make trustworthy decisions, your relationship will grow stronger and flourish.

These principles proved to be both powerful and transformative for one couple, Brian and Samantha, who began our retreat with their relationship at all-time low. A significant breach of trust on Brian’s part led to them separating and living in different states. Samantha felt hopeless, and had essentially given up on the relationship.

Despite their progress at the retreat, the most significant transformation occurred afterward. Before heading home, Samantha refused to commit to anything except for a weekly phone call that was dedicated to their join decision-making. As painstakingly difficult as this was for Brian, her reservations were completely understandable.

Instead of giving up, getting angry, or blaming Samantha, Brian implemented the principles he learned at the retreat.

• He respected her boundaries and desire for freedom and autonomy.

• He committed to a higher level of communication with her on each of their weekly phone calls.

• He made smart decisions that were worthy of Samantha’s trust.

These principles in practice made Samantha feel safe – something she hadn’t felt in some time. Beginning with small commitments, like weekends away and occasional visits, their relationship began to grow. Brian eventually moved back to their home state, and they started their lives anew with the purchase of a brand new home. Years later, Samantha’s trust in Brian had been completely restored.

Decision-making in relationships is a great litmus test for the health of your relationship, and, as demonstrated with Brian and Samantha, can make or a break a couple. Ultimately, the personal decisions we make define who we are. They are the difference between success and failure. It stands to reason that decision-making is equally important in defining who we are within our relationships, and even lead to our relationship successes and failures. We are all bound to experience trying times with our partner – and when that happens, remember this simple mantra: “I respect your decisions, I am trustworthy with my decisions, and I communicate through our decisions.” When the foundation of a relationship is built upon the pillars of communication, respect, and trust, then it is bound to succeed.and a highly specialized form of counseling to transform relationships.

*For sake of brevity, we classify women as representatives of feminine energy and men as representatives of masculine energy. However, we acknowledge and honor that gender and energy are entirely independent, as a female can have a masculine core and a male can have a feminine core.

Edward comes home from a rough day at work. He rants and raves to his wife, Jill, about the issues he has with his co-workers and his boss. Jill listens, and even engages – sharing common sentiments about how frustrating that must be. Edward eventually comes out of his rut and meets Jill at her level.

Jill comes home from a rough day at work. She rants and raves to Edward. Edward however, has a strong inclination to fix her issues. He cuts into her diatribe, interjecting his thoughts on how she can solve her issues. She grows increasingly upset. She yells, saying that he doesn’t “understand” her.

What is happening in each situation? In the first scenario, the feminine energy is high and the masculine energy is low. But the couple is easily able to restore the imbalance. However, in the second scenario, the masculine energy is high and the feminine energy is low, and challenges arise. Why is this? What dynamics are at play? And what sort of shift will allow Jill and Edward to connect with each other?

Here’s the secret. The game of life in a relationship is about mastering two things: your state and your meaning. If you can master those two, it’s a different ballgame. It will change everything. And it all starts with mastering the power of V – venting, that is.

UNDERSTANDING CORE DIFFERENCES

Masculine men and feminine women are practically different species.

The feminine force has something no extremely masculine man will ever understand. That is, women experience everything all the time. The reason for this is because the feminine brain has what is called “diffuse awareness” – an instinctual and biological trait instilled in women so they could be entirely aware of their surroundings. As Tony Robbins explains during his Date with Destiny event, it began as a matter of survival, and has evolved into a deep-seeded need for women to talk and share and to uncover what they are feeling. And it manifests in many different ways.

Even something as mundane as talking on the phone is a means of satisfying that instinct. In fact, feminine females can chat for hours and then not even remember the specifics. Because it isn’t about the content, it’s about connecting and sharing.

Venting is a continuation of this, amplified by pent up emotion. When a woman vents, she is unleashing energy. She is sharing her problem because she wants connection. She wants her man to feel her. She wants her man to show that he understands by sharing her emotions.

The masculine energy, on the other hand, does not want to share problems, it wants to solve them. So a very masculine man will think, “What’s wrong with you? Why do you keep talking about this problem? Why aren’t you just taking the action to solve it?” Because men think there is a point to a woman venting.

THE MEANING WE ASSIGN

A masculine male will simply not be naturally inclined to share a woman’s emotional current when she is venting. But when a man doesn’t do this, the woman feels rejected. She feels alone and she sees him as arrogant and callous. She will even tell herself: “He thinks he’s better than me. He doesn’t care about me.” Because that would all be true with a feminine energy, but it’s not true in a masculine world.

On the flip-side, when the man’s attempt of resolution is met with a woman’s frustration, he tends to make up lousy meanings. He may think that his woman is just not listening to them, or won’t let him solve the problem. He may think the woman doesn’t believe they he can solve the problem, or he may even label the woman as being unhappy. And ultimately, the man will tell himself: “Nothing I do will ever work. I can never make her happy. Nothing will make her happy.” But when a man starts making up those stories, the relationship is in jeopardy. That’s when there will be zero progress – and if a relationship isn’t growing, it’s dying.

The reality is, what is upsetting (or even enraging) you is not what your partner is doing, it’s the meaning you’re making about it – and it isn’t true. We think that men are just like women and women are just like men. Even though intellectually we know better, when our partners do something, we interpret it through our world.

THE WAY FORWARD

Diffuse awareness means a women is feeling everything all the time. For a masculine man, there is no such thing as true multitasking. Even when a man thinks he is multitasking, he is really just doing a little bit of this and a little bit of that, moving back and forth, doing one thing at a time. That’s the masculine brain – pure focus. But a woman has the power to focus on everything simultaneously. That’s why a man can think he’s uncovered the problem, but then twelve other problems surface, because she doesn’t even realize all the things that she’s thinking about.

Yet no matter what comes out, a woman does not want a man to solve her problems. Because what she really wants to do in the feminine world is to heal. And that doesn’t mean to necessarily solve it, but rather, she wants to be heard and feel understood – that is what brings healing.

If a man can learn to listen, if he can learn to appreciate her and the way her brain works, this will become one of the most powerful tools in a relationship.

“I’ve made my mistakes with my wife, more than enough times. And I’ve learned and gotten better. I can now look at all that is going on, and instead of trying to solve the problems, I just give her my presence. I stay here, while she lays it all out on me. And I don’t take anything personally. Even if she says: “You did this,” or “You did that.” I remind myself that what she’s saying isn’t what she means. It’s not about me. She is letting pent up energy out and creating space. She’s just venting and externalizing. It really is amazing if a woman feels understood and feels affirmed, then right after that, you can deliver a solution and it will be received in a completely different way. She will feel relief and have the space to appreciate you.” – Tony Robbins

You can win. But it’s going to require having the courage to step into the unknown. It’s going to require you detaching from the story you have created about your partner. It’s going to require you to take a step back and assess the entire situation. And it’s going to require you giving presence and compassion, even when you feel unfairly portrayed. This is how you master your state and the meaning you assign to experiences and events in your life. It’s how you master the V. And it’s how you become even more connected to your partner than ever before.

“You are such a slob. You just expect me to clean up after you.” “You are always working. Work is more important to you than your family.” “You are so frivolous. You just think money grows on trees.”

Sound familiar?

Arguments about housework, priorities and money are nothing new. In fact, for many couples, they are weekly challenges. That’s exactly why “I-statements” are so important. Choosing the right words during an argument can be the difference between resolving your issues or making them worse. When you change your words, you change your life, and nowhere is this more true than in relationships.

Even when you have the best of intentions, what you say can escalate an argument into a full-blown fight and really hurt the one you love. And one of the most common mistakes those in a relationship make with their language is the use of “you-statements” instead of using sentences that are framed as “I-feel statements.” What is a “you-statement”?

“You-statements,” such as those listed above, are phrases that begin with the pronoun “you” and imply that the listener is responsible for something. They show no ownership of emotions, but rather blame, accuse and assume the receiver. This type of statement is more likely to make your partner feel defensive and resentful, and he or she will be less likely to want to make peace. What is an “I-statement”?

An “I-statement,” on the other hand, forces us to take responsibility for what we are thinking and feeling and prevents us from blaming our partners. When using “I-statements,” we can still be assertive, but find a less hostile, more compassionate way to communicate. Tone of voice – vocal inflection, volume and pitch – is an important piece of communication puzzle that we often forget about. “I-feel statements” help prevent miscommunication that can happen when one partner takes an accusatory tone of voice.

The psychology behind “you-statements” and “I-statements”

Studies have shown that “I-statements” reduce hostility and defensiveness and that “you-statements” can provoke anger. Today it’s a commonly accepted fact that the use of “I-statements” in relationships and even at work results in better communication. But why?

“You-statements” make your partner feel that you are punishing them. When people feel attacked, they naturally become defensive. It’s hard-wired into our DNA. By pointing out what they’ve done wrong or how they’ve made you feel upset, sad or angry, you’re either trying to make them feel as bad as you feel or you’re trying to make them change. Neither is a part of creating a healthy relationship. Rather than inviting a productive response from your partner, you’re inviting anger.

An “I-statement,” on the other hand, shows personal accountability. It states that even though your partner is not acting or speaking in the way you’d prefer, you are not blaming him or her for how you feel. When using “I-statements,” you take responsibility for the part you played in the disagreement and display the openness for deep listening and resolution.

Forming “I-statements”

So how do you turn a “you-statement” into an “I-statement”?

First, remember that the point of an “I-statement” is to express how you feel inside. That’s why they’re often called “I-feel statements.” A true “I-statement” uses specific emotions such as “I feel…” joyful, anxious, lonely, resentful, angry, calm, embarrassed, fearful, etc.

Avoid words that may seem like emotions, but really imply the action of your partner: “I feel…” ignored, annoyed, pissed off, mistreated, manipulated, controlled, cheated, abandoned, etc.

It is also a common misperception that you can tack on the words “I feel” in front of a “you-statement.” For example, “I feel like you are taking me for granted.” That is just a “you-statement” in disguise. It implies blame and there is no actual emotion being expressed.  “I-statement” examples

It can be difficult to use “I-statements” if you’re not used to this type of language. These “I-statement examples” will help.

“I felt lonely when you did not come home to have dinner with me all week.” “I get anxious when you don’t tell me you’re running late.” “I felt embarrassed when you were talking to that man at the party for half an hour.” “I get confused and hurt when you leave your clothes on the floor because I thought I had communicated how important it was that you put them in the laundry basket.” “I feel resentful when you take our dog to the dog park on the weekends without me when we have not had time together for weeks.”

Using “I-statements” in your relationship

Using “I-feel statements” works best when your emotions seem overwhelming and you want to lash out at your partner. When you first start using them, you should explain to your partner what you’re trying to accomplish and admit you might not do it perfectly the first time. Try to be as gentle as possible and realize that the tone of your voice matters as much – if not more – than the words you use. Remember the “I-statement” examples listed above and try to identify the emotion you are feeling and where it stems from. Admit if you have a trigger from the past that is playing a part in how you feel and if this is making you over-react.

To help you better understand how you to turn a “you-statement” into an “I-statement,” consider how to change your language during these common conflicts: graphical user interface, application, email

Using “I-statements” in therapy

The best “I-statement” examples are often found in therapy settings – this is actually where the term originated! In a type of therapy called person-centered therapy, you’ll often hear the therapist asking, “How does that make you feel?” Carl Rogers pioneered this therapy in the 1940s, but it was his student Thomas Gordon who actually coined the term “I-statement.”

In one-on-one therapy, “I-feel statements” can help you uncover your real emotions, which are often buried or ignored, and take responsibility for them. You’ll begin to realize that, as Tony says, you can “take control of your consistent emotions and begin to consciously and deliberately reshape your daily experience of life.” You can’t control how others act. You can control your own emotions.

In couples therapy, “I-statements” are one of the first things you’ll learn. To de-escalate conflict, these types of statements may be the only way each partner is allowed to express themselves.

You don’t need to be in therapy to learn the difference between “you-statements” and “I-statements” and begin to use them in your relationship. It may feel strange at first, but once you and your partner get into this habit, you’ll see positive changes and take your relationship to the next level.

We all know the couple who bickers over dinner, bringing up old incidents or accusing their partner of “always” being a certain way. Some of us know the couple who yells over each other until they’re loud enough to wake the neighbors – but what if that couple is you?

If you find yourself constantly bickering about the same topics or having loud fights and saying things you don’t mean, you may be stuck in harmful patterns of communication. You need to learn how to avoid arguments in a relationship and turn them into productive conversations instead.

Want to stop arguing with your loved one? What causes most relationship arguments?

The causes of relationship arguments vary widely depending on the couple – and sometimes it can seem like there is no cause at all. According to one study, the most common causes of arguments included one partner not showing enough love or affection; a partner not feeling appreciated; jealousy or possessiveness; frequency of sex; and housekeeping and chores. Not surprisingly, relationship stressors like money also made the list, as well as “big” arguments like future goals, career plans and whether a couple wants children.

To discover how to avoid arguments in a relationship, we must dig deeper. Two things are ultimately behind all of the issues listed above: communication and fulfillment of needs. Every partner brings certain needs and expectations to a relationship. When their needs are not fulfilled or when their expectations aren’t met because they haven’t communicated effectively, conflict occurs. Is it normal to argue in a relationship everyday?

Every couple and relationship is different, so it’s impossible to say how common or “normal” it is to argue every day. Some couples may argue frequently while others seem to hardly argue at all. The better question is whether it is healthy to argue in a relationship every day. And the answer is no: Constant arguing in a relationship may be normal, but it isn’t healthy.

If you know how to resolve conflict, some arguing in a relationship is healthy. It can help you learn more about your partner and make important decisions. But if your arguments are constant, or if they are more infrequent but often escalate into yelling, door-slamming and anger, it’s a sign you need to learn how to handle arguments in a relationship.

How to avoid arguments in a relationship

Relationship arguments are normal, but arguing is not necessarily communicating. There is a difference between an argument and a productive conversation. Only when you’re able to have productive conversations will you actually resolve your relationship issues.

1. Recognize your patterns

Recognizing harmful patterns is the first step to breaking free of them. Some of the most common patterns that lead to relationship arguments are: Reliving the past.

You can’t change the past, so why keep bringing it up? If you can’t let go of the past, you’re preventing yourself from moving forward. Avoiding confrontation.

Every relationship has conflict – the lasting ones figure out how to resolve it. Avoiding confrontation leads to bigger arguments down the line. Competing to be heard.

The most important part of communication is listening. If you end up yelling and feeling like you need to “win” the argument, your relationship has already lost. Not being present.

A conversation can devolve into an argument if one partner feels like they’re not being heard. You are your partner’s number one fan, and making an effort to actively demonstrate that you are is one of the best ways to avoid arguments with your partner.

2. Rephrase your thoughts

One of the easiest ways to avoid relationship arguments is to stop accusing your partner of being the problem. When you throw out accusations, it automatically puts your partner on the defensive – and people on the defensive say and do things they don’t mean and that are not productive. Making the conversation about your own feelings rather than your partner’s actions is a more compassionate way to communicate.

This means using “I statements” rather than “you statements.” “I statements” start with “I feel” and express nonjudgmental emotions. They open up the conversation to your partner to talk about their own feelings, and how you can come to an agreement.

Another reason “I statements” are useful is that they get to the core of the problem. To avoid arguments in relationships, you need to stop rehashing the same small fights and think about the bigger issue. Rather than getting stuck on a single event, like “You never do the dishes,” using an “I statement” forces you to think about why it upsets you. It tells your partner what the real problem is: “I feel unappreciated” or “I feel our relationship is unequal” are statements about bigger issues. This allows the conflict to become an opportunity to reach an understanding and creates a new level of trust and intimacy.

3. Watch your tone

The saying “it’s not what you say, but how you say it” has become so commonly used, it’s almost a cliché. But that’s because it’s true. One expert found that 38% of a message is conveyed through vocal elements other than your words – so if you’re wondering how to avoid arguments in a relationship, look at your tone first. Using the right tone opens up a conversation because your partner won’t feel judged. Using the wrong tone shuts down the conversation and turns it into an argument.

Your tone can put your partner on the defensive just as much as your actual words. When you make your “I statement” or start a discussion with your partner, make sure you do so without yelling, sarcasm or exasperation. Talk at a normal pitch and a steady pace. Don’t slow down too much, but make sure you pause between thoughts so your partner has a chance to process. Starting a conversation on neutral ground goes a long way to avoiding relationship arguments.

4. Listen

Listening makes up about 45% of the time we spend communicating – but sometimes we aren’t very good at it, especially with our partners. When you come home after a long day at work, you’ve probably already spent a huge amount of time listening. Or perhaps you’ve spent all day thinking of important things to tell your partner – and you don’t leave room to hear what they have to say. Use the power of deep listening and you’ll learn how to avoid arguments in a relationship: Avoid distractions.

Turn off the TV or podcast, step away from your phone and focus on your partner. Use your body language.

Show that you’re listening by facing your partner, making eye contact and encouraging them to talk by nodding or using verbal prompts. Summarize the conversation.

We often spend our time “listening” preparing a response for the speaker. This is not true listening. Rather than responding with your own feelings or with a solution, offer a summary of what your partner said that reads deeper between the lines. “It sounds like you’re unhappy with” or “What I’m hearing is” are good summary starters. Ask questions.

Don’t assume you know where the story or thought is going, and don’t offer up your own experiences to show understanding. Instead, ask questions. They show that you’re interested and want to help, rather than making the conversation about you.

5. Defuse the situation

Despite all your best efforts, from time to time you’ll still need to know how to handle arguments in a relationship. We are all human, after all. You now have the tools to recognize when communication is breaking down – and you can still take steps to defuse the argument. If you notice you’re getting defensive, making the same points repeatedly or bringing up the past, stop. Take a breath and start again with an “I statement.” You can even say, “OK, let’s start over” and begin again or ask your partner to begin again.

Using humor can work to defuse a situation before it turns into an argument. This works especially well with small arguments that you seem to have over and over – the classic putting-down-the-toilet-seat argument, for example. Rather than getting caught up in bickering that doesn’t lead to a solution, laugh about it and move on. Your relationship is more important than having that argument.

Whether you’re looking for ways to avoid constant arguing in a relationship or defuse occasional flareups, these strategies work. Good communication is a building block of any successful relationship. If you do the work, you’ll reap the rewards of intimacy, passion and unconditional love. It isn’t always easy, but it’s worth it.

It’s not what you say, but how you say it.

Tone of voice often means much more than what you say

In his book, The Relationship Cure, Dr. Gottman reveals that when it comes to assessing the meaning of communication in relationships, only 7% of that meaning comes from the spoken word, while 38% comes from the tone of voice in communication.

Words that may seem neutral can become provoking if spoken with a sarcastic, demeaning or contemptuous tone of voice, causing the listener to feel hurt and disrespected. A soft tone of voice is often interpreted as lack of confidence – but too loud, and you’ll be seen as aggressive.

You want your listener to focus on your words, not be distracted by your demeanor. You need to learn how to watch your tone – and use it to get what you want.   What is tone of voice in communication?

Your tone of voice is the manner in which you speak to someone, not just your words. Along with nonverbal cues like body language and eye contact, tone of voice is an essential element of communication that often “speaks” more powerfully than your actual words ever could. It can help you build rapport, make connections, influence others and get what you want in relationships, your career and your life.

Examples of tones of voice include formal and informal, humorous, factual, respectful, assertive, questioning and conversational. Yet every tone of voice in communication is made up of four different aspects that come together to help you get your point across. Learning how to watch your tone – and use it to achieve your goals – depends on being aware of these elements.

relationships_8_tony_robbins Pitch

Your pitch is how high or how low your voice can fluctuate. An overly high-pitched voice can suggest immaturity and defensiveness. And if you end a sentence using a higher pitch, that can sound more like a question instead of an affirmative statement, which will only leave your partner feeling confused.

Your pitch is a powerful part of tone of voice in communication because it helps you cut through noise. When you’re needing to make a professional impression or drive in a point, a low pitch can make you seem more authoritative and serious, even if what you’re actually saying isn’t profound. Consequently, your tone of voice can have the opposite effect. If you’re constantly at a high pitch, others might assume you’re unsure about what you want to convey. This can lead to a sense of untrustworthiness that can make it harder to get what you want. Pace

How quickly or slowly do you speak when you and your partner are in the middle of an argument? During a presentation at work? In addition to fine-tuning your talking tone, you must also be mindful of your pace. When you slow down, you can help your audience understand what you are saying and they will be better able to absorb your message. However, speaking too slowly can be misconstrued as demeaning and offensive. To really get your message across, focus on articulating and conveying your message as clearly as possible by speaking at a steady, even pace.

A good rule of thumb, especially if you’re speaking in front of an audience, is to speak at half the speed you normally talk. This helps make sure your tone of voice is clear enough so everyone in the audience can understand.

A steady and even pace is powerful because it cultivates focus. It’s much easier for your partner or audience to listen if you’re speaking slowly. It’s a lot harder for a listener to understand what you want to say and stay engaged if you don’t watch your tone and instead speak at a fast speed and string words together. Volume

This goes without saying: Yelling at your partner will backfire, either by causing an argument or making them retreat from the conversation entirely. This is often how tone of voice affects relationships negatively, but it also applies to conversations with colleagues, family and anyone else you encounter. Speaking too loudly makes you seem aggressive and insensitive. Instead of raising your voice, if you want to emphasize something, slow the pace of your words. Pause to highlight major points or to give your audience time to take in your point. Timbre

This is the emotional quality of your tone of voice in communication – the attitude you bring to what you say. Your audience will use this to build their understanding of what you are saying. Practice managing your voice and taking note of how you sound (e.g., frustrated, rushed, happy, sad). This will help you become more aware of the way your attitude is filtered through the inflections of your voice.

Emotionally charged words set you apart. One of the most powerful ways to cultivate a powerful tone of voice is to shift your mindset to your heart and let your message shine through your words. watch your tone of voice Importance of tone of voice when communicating

Whether it’s from your parents or during a marketing seminar, you’ve probably heard something about your “tone of voice” at some point in your life. But why is it so important?

Your tone of voice encompasses your words. It’s how you speak and the lasting impression words make on everyone around you. Think of your tone of voice like a personalized vocal “fingerprint” that distinguishes who you are and can tell others so much about you. Are you confident? Positive? Interesting? Humble? Empathetic? Your tone of voice in communication tells people all that and more.

Your tone of voice is powerful because it projects who you are as a person. Your friends, family, clients and partners are people just like you who respond best to words and phrases that make them feel good. But your tone of voice is at its most powerful in your romantic relationships. How tone of voice affects relationships

While we’ve always known that tone of voice is an important part of clear communication, just how critical are things like vocal inflection, volume, and pitch when it comes to the health of your relationship? According to a 2015 study that examined hundreds of conversations from over 100 couples during marriage therapy sessions, the ability to watch your tone may be a key indicator of your relationship success.

Over the course of two years, researchers from the University of Southern California recorded hundreds of conversations from marriage counseling sessions. The researchers then analyzed the recordings, looking at things like pitch, intensity and even warbles in the voice that can indicate moments of intense emotion. They also looked at the impact one partner’s tone of voice had on the other.

To compare the data, a separate group of experts analyzed the behavior of the couples, taking special note of positive qualities like “acceptance” or negative qualities like “blame.” The researchers then tracked the couples over a period of five years to determine if there was any change in their relationship. Gift of emotion Tone of voice predicts relationship success

What the researchers found about tone of voice in communication confirmed what many of us already know intuitively – that communication is not just about what you say, but how you say it. And the data showed that studying the couple’s voices, rather than their behaviors, better predicted the eventual improvement or deterioration of the relationship.

“Psychological practitioners and researchers have long known that the way that partners talk about and discuss problems has important implications for the health of their relationships. However, the lack of efficient and reliable tools for measuring the important elements in those conversations has been a major impediment in their widespread clinical use. These findings represent a major step forward in making an objective measurement of behavior practical and feasible for couple therapists,” said collaborator Brian Baucom of the University of Utah. Let your tone of voice shine when communicating

It’s easy to assume others know what we’re saying. This can raise issues and lead to situations where important feelings or emotions weren’t discussed.

Instead of retreating backwards and going through the motions of communicating, step forward and practice mindfulness about your tone of voice in communication and how it influences others. Becoming aware of the words you use and the type of emotion you give off when speaking is a powerful way to remain present when communicating with your partner. It’s in these moments of authenticity where barriers break down and you both can really share how you feel.

The importance of tone of voice when communicating can’t be overstated. If you want to get ahead in your career, build extraordinary relationships, raise a healthy family and create deep, lasting friendships, you must become aware of your tone of voice and how it affects your life.

This piece was specially written for the Tony Robbins blog by world–renowned couples’ therapist Esther Perel.

A few weeks ago, I had the honor of sitting down with my dear friend Tony Robbins for a conversation about my new book, The State of Affairs. Tony and I have worked together since 2004 and we both believe that the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives, so we knew we were going to have fun, but we surprised even ourselves. We talked for more than two hours.

Tony turned it all into a podcast which I encourage you to listen to here.

We touched the full spectrum of relationship questions that keep people up at night: What is so different about relationships today? Why does modern love seem so damn hard? How do we keep passion alive? Why do people cheat? Even those in happy marriages? How can you avoid an affair? When trust is broken, can it be healed? What can we learn from infidelity? How can you turn a crisis into an opportunity? What do the French think about infidelity? (A quick reminder: I am not French.)

But, perhaps most importantly: Where do we learn to love and how?

This is one of my favorite questions.

As a person that speaks nine languages, I’ve learned how important it is to practice the basic verbs. These are the first verbs we learn for speech and, often, they are the first we learn in love. The seven I like to pay special attention to are:

1. to ask

2. to take

3. to receive

4. to give

5. to share

6. to refuse

7. to play/imagine

When we learned these verbs as children, some grew strong, others grew weak. We built them into the foundations of our defense mechanisms and our survival strategies; our strengths and our vulnerabilities. This emotional history is also expressed in the physicality of sex. That is why I often say, “tell me how you were loved (as a child), and I will tell you how you make love (as an adult).” All of these verbs come into play when we face the everyday challenges of modern love – and when we face the age-old taboo of infidelity.

I wrote The State of Affairs because we need a new vocabulary and new tools for talking about something that affects up to 80% of people (as the children, the friend, the offspring or the third that completes the triangle). We need new answers to questions like “How can I recover after an affair?” and “How can I affair-proof my marriage?” because the answers right now aren’t adequate: infidelity is one of the top reasons couples divorce in America, and the rate of affairs is rising.

So why am I still talking about verbs? Because the best way to affair-proof a marriage is to build a robust relationship that incorporates all of the parts of yourself – and that’s also one of the stages of recovery after an affair. Many people stray not because they are looking for another partner, but rather because they are looking for another self: one that remembers how to play, to take, to give or to receive. Working on your verbs is not the only answer, but it’s a strong step in the right direction.

We get better at what we do, we become what we repeat. And so if you want to strengthen one of your verbs, do what Tony says in the podcast, “Pick one and make it a focus.” Give it massaging, caring, effort. Build that muscle. Ask yourself: Which is the verb that needs the most stretching for you? Which comes easiest? And which verb do you need to practice now?

And after you’ve done that for a bit, come back here for more conversations about relationships and the future of modern love. We have much more to talk about, including more ways we can work on Rekindling Desire and building relationship resilience. We’re only just getting started.