Stop punishing your partner

There is no love in punishment - only hurt, pain and neglect.

End the cycle of punishment and retaliation in your relationship Posted by: Team Tony

person Everyone has experienced consequences in their lives – time outs as a child, being passed over at work, higher insurance premiums after a car accident. But there is one place punishment never belongs: in your relationship.

Identifying punishing behavior in a relationship is more important than ever in our disconnected and socially isolated world. We are spending more and more time at home with our partners, and it’s natural for this to lead to some frustration and even communication problems as we navigate this new terrain.

Being punished in a relationship is different from the typical arguments or conflicts every couple faces. It’s a serious relationship problem and must be addressed immediately.

What is punishment in relationships?

Punishment in relationships is when one partner purposely tries to make the other feel bad about an action or behavior that they disapprove of. When you’re punishing your partner, you want to teach them a “lesson” about something they did so that they won’t do it again in the future.

There are many types of punishing behavior in a relationship. Of course, physical abuse must never be tolerated. But punishment often comes in more subtle forms. Most people recognize the silent treatment – but it’s actually a form of punishment. Refusing affection or intimacy can be used as punishment. Sleeping on the couch or avoiding your partner is definitely a punishing behavior, as is purposely sabotaging your partner – for example, by making them late or “forgetting” to do something they asked.

When we get upset in a relationship, it really comes from a place of fear – fear that someone or something isn’t going according to plan. Our essential human need for certainty isn’t being fulfilled, so we react by wanting to regain control of the situation. And one of the most common – and also most damaging – ways that we do that is by punishing someone in a relationship.

What happens when there is punishing behavior in a relationship?

Punishment is the opposite of communication, which is why it’s so damaging to relationships. Rather than getting to the heart of the problem and working through it, the lack of communication exacerbates disconnection and pushes you even further apart. As a result, this makes you feel even less in control.

When you start to punish your partner, you risk creating a deep level of injury. There is no love in punishment – only hurt, pain and neglect that leads to:

Loneliness: Being punished in a relationship makes both partners – including the one doing the punishing – feel even more alone and more misunderstood. Inequality: Punishing behavior in a relationship often indicates an imbalance as one partner holds power over the other. You can’t truly work as a team when there is a power imbalance in this way. Lack of trust: When punishment in relationships is used over and over again, there can be a serious break in trust, so that even if both of you stay in the relationship, there will be a massive emotional, psychological and even spiritual divide. Retaliation: Relationships that use punishment as a tool can get stuck in a cycle of retaliation – one partner feels they were punished unjustly and then punishes their partner in return. Don’t get stuck in this retaliatory pattern.

The partner being punished in a relationship will put up a wall to protect themselves from enduring more pain. But what is the alternative? How do you express your disappointment and ensure that your partner learns from the experience? It comes down to one key ingredient – pleasure.

What is punishment in relationships? The opposite of punishment: reinforcement

If you really want to fix punishing behavior in a relationship, you must understand the power of what Tony calls “the jackpot.” It stems from a research study on the way dolphins are trained. Dolphins are inherently sensitive creatures. They are highly social, but if something happens that breaks their state, they can fall into a deep frustration.

Now, research has shown that when a trainer wants them to step out of that frustration and perform for them, but chooses to do so with force and anger, the dolphin feels that energy and retreats even further. However, when the trainer implements “the jackpot” – i.e., taking an entire bucket of fish and dumping it on the head of the dolphin – the dolphin becomes so overwhelmed with pleasure and joy that it is able to break out of its depressive state.

And when the dolphin begins to perform the way the trainer wants, the trainer immediately reinforces it. They never punish; they only reinforce. And when there is nothing there to reinforce, the trainer only seeks to create a little spark that ultimately guides the dolphin in the right direction.

This is not meant to minimize the complexity of humans, nor to be condescending. It’s meant for you to open your eyes and see that there you always have a choice about punishing someone in a relationship.

Take potty training as another example. Do you punish your child when they don’t use the toilet correctly? Or do you reward and reinforce the good behavior? Any modern parenting handbook would recommend the latter. It goes even further – sometimes, you reward even attempts or intentions of good behavior because if you waited for perfect behavior to give a reward, you’d be waiting a very long time. So you reward their effort, even if it doesn’t result in a complete success.

being punished in a relationship Opening to a new type of relationship

The jackpot is all about creating an opening in the relationship. When you open up, even during the difficult times, when you’re scared and hurt and angry, and choose to say “I love this person, and I don’t want to cause more pain,” that is when you are really fighting for the relationship.

As you focus on kindness and positive reinforcement instead of punishing someone in a relationship, you also open the way to creating a healthier bond. By approaching your partner with kindness and compassion, you are encouraging them to do the same for you. This allows you to better communicate with your partner, sharing their struggles instead of viewing them from a distance. You’ll feel and be closer to them.

Kindness is not a fixed trait in a relationship. Think of it as a muscle – something that must be worked on every single day if it is to develop.

“And when we treat each other with kindness and compassion, we are essentially training each other on how we treat each other.” – Tony Robbins

punishing behavior in a relationship The importance of polarity

Choosing the path of reinforcement doesn’t mean repressing feelings or emotions when your partner does something that upsets you. In a relationship, both partners must be able to share anything, anytime. The key is to approach it while in a beautiful state, rather than when you feel like you’re being punished in a relationship.

Shifting to a beautiful state means adopting an abundance mindset. When you are in a beautiful state, you are conveying and receiving with love. Express how you feel without attaching stories or making accusations. And listen with absolute compassion with the sole goal of helping your partner feel understood and cared for. This not only facilitates communication – it also helps keep the masculine and feminine energies in the right balance.

Women are highly sensitive beings – they feel everything all the time. When a feminine woman chooses punishing behavior in a relationship, she becomes masculine. And if the man succumbs, he becomes more feminine – and polarity will vanish. Likewise, if a masculine man punishes a feminine woman, she puts up walls and retreats, becoming more masculine, and again, polarity disappears. (Take this short quiz to discover if you carry more masculine or feminine energy).

It’s important to understand that women often put emotion into everything, so they have a profoundly detailed memory – because information paired with emotion makes an indelible mark. Men, on the other hand, don’t couple emotion with everything. It’s not that they don’t care; it’s that masculine energy is about breaking through and then letting go. Feminine energy is not about letting go. It’s about filling up and gathering up. And sometimes talking is just a means of getting that energy out of the system.

So learn how to treat each other with kindness, and when you find yourself starting to punish the other, make the decision to choose reinforcement. Because you always have the choice – to give in to punishing behavior in a relationship and create more resistance, disconnection and depolarization – or to open up to reinforcement and learn how to build an even stronger bond.

It would be ideal if we were all able to recognize the signs of an unhealthy relationship. The truth is that it can be hard to let go of someone we love. We focus on the good and refuse to see what’s often obvious to everyone else: the relationship is unhealthy. If you’re wondering, “What is a healthy relationship?,” it may be time to look for these red flags:

• Criticism: There’s a difference between honesty and criticism. When your partner is being honest, you’ll still feel respected and valued because their feedback is constructive. Criticism is often about small things, like your clothes or favorite pastimes, and makes you feel belittled.

• Controlling behavior: If your partner pressures you to change your appearance, quit activities you love or stop seeing friends or family, those are big red flags. Pushing you to share every thought or detail of your day or always needing to be with you are more subtle signs of controlling behavior.

• Distance: Healthy relationships are both emotionally and physically close. If you or your partner is no longer interested in intimacy or one of you is holding back your thoughts and feelings, it’s time to rekindle the passion.

• Lack of conflict resolution: Sometimes it’s best to defuse arguments over minor things. But if you’re always burying conflict – or constantly arguing without seeing any improvement – your communication skills may be lacking.

Certain relationship red flags, like physical or emotional abuse, are always signs that you must leave the relationship immediately. Otherwise, healthy relationships can often be rekindled with the commitment and dedication of both partners. How to have a healthy relationship

You can work on building fundamental relationship skills, whether you’ve been in a relationship for a week or a decade. Developing positive habits and patterns to create and maintain an extraordinary relationship requires conscious application and repetition of good behavior and communication. Once these habits have been established between you and your partner, the beautiful, passionate and healthy relationship you deserve will follow and endure.

1. Love yourself first

Have you ever heard the expression “like attracts like”? This is the law of attraction – the idea that we attract the things that we focus on and surround ourselves with – and it applies to relationships and to life. If you embrace positive thinking, live with passion and are kind and accepting of yourself and others, you’ll attract people who do the same.

Learning self-love isn’t always easy. You’ll need to identify and overcome your limiting beliefs and rewrite your story to give you strength and confidence. But if you’re wondering how to have a healthy relationship, it’s a vital first step.

2. Raise your standards

You must hold yourself to high standards if you want a healthy relationship. If your expectations are low and you’re not putting in the effort to grow with your partner, the result will be a stale and deteriorating relationship. What is it that you truly want from your relationship? What are the standards you’d hold for your dream partner? What do you expect from your partner, physically and emotionally?

Whatever it is, that’s the bar that you must hold for yourself as well. You are an active participant in this relationship; the way you want them to show up for you is the way you must show up for them.

3. Meet your partner's core needs

What is a healthy relationship? It’s two people making each other’s needs their own. The more you do this, the more fulfilling the relationship becomes. What are your partner’s core needs? Comfort? Security? Significance? How do they want these needs met? Through touch, words or something else?

Cultivate the skill of heartfelt understanding. Going beyond just knowing what your partner needs at an intellectual level, this means connecting at a deeper emotional level and empathetically standing in their shoes. Is your partner your number one priority? What would you give for the love of your life? At the same time, are you feeling personally fulfilled by the relationship?

4. Communicate effectively

Healthy relationships depend on effective communication. You don’t need to be a mind reader to know what your partner wants – odds are they’ve told you. Communicating in a healthy relationship means listening. Remember, it’s not about you – it’s about what you can do for the person you love.

Once you know what your needs are, and your partner’s, you can actively work to make sure they’re being met. What would you do for the love of your life? Anything, right? Meeting your significant other’s core needs will take you to profound levels of happiness, love, passion and trust.

5. Grow together

What if the road ahead is tough and full of challenges? As Tony says, “Every problem is a gift, without problems we would not grow.” Problems, obstacles and misalignments are opportunities to push forward and grow together with your partner.

Lack of growth is better known as stagnation, which can lead to deterioration when it comes to a relationship. Growth is a product of uncertainty and an act of pushing into uncharted territory. Sometimes discomfort is a good thing, so don’t let fear hold your relationship – or you – back.

6. Appreciate your differences

You don’t need to ignore or play down the differences between you and your partner. On the contrary, appreciating your differences is essential to maintaining a sense of excitement in the relationship. Those little differences are what awakened your interest in each other in the first place, and this is something that you must always keep close to your hearts and minds. Appreciate each other and you will not only appreciate the life you have created together – you’ll revel in it.

7. Develop trust

Trust is the foundation of all productive and healthy relationships. From trust springs respect, and both are necessary for sharing, interaction and growth. And it’s during times of stress and uncertainty, when your mutual commitment can be subject to doubt, that you truly discover how much – or how little – you trust one another.

Can your partner trust you to be there for them, even when you’re stressed or uncertain? Can your partner trust you to be honest and clear with them, even when you feel like what you have to say might wound them? Do they trust that you will meet their needs?

what is a health relationship couple kissing and smiling

8. Be honest

When thinking about how to have a healthy relationship, honesty is key – including being honest with yourself. Being true to – and confident in – yourself is a vital element in forward-looking conflict resolution in your relationship. It’s important to be honest and courageous when you face disappointment, pain and surprise. The most passionate romances have moments of sadness. Don’t avoid conflicts when they come. Face them honestly and fearlessly, knowing that you and your partner are up to any challenge.

9. Redefine intimacy

Intimacy isn’t just physical, and it isn’t always about “big moments.” Real intimacy is about the smaller everyday moments. It’s sitting next to one another on the couch watching your favorite movie for the tenth time. It’s making your partner’s favorite meal without them asking you to.

If you find yourself struggling in your efforts to connect, keep pushing. Discovering how to keep a healthy relationship means keeping the spark alive – but it takes work. Learn to communicate your thoughts and emotions in the moment so you can address these issues and avoid seeding resentment that will otherwise emerge later in the relationship.

10. Discover the power of polarity

Polarity is the attraction between opposite energies. Masculine energy is about commitment, certainty and purpose, whereas feminine energy is associated with vulnerability, spontaneity and provocative play. Healthy relationships, no matter the physical genders of the partners, need to have a partner with masculine energy and one with feminine energy.

To achieve lasting passion with your partner, you need to explore your polarity. It was this polarity that attracted you to each other, and it is this powerful interplay that can maintain passion between you. Discover your leading energy by taking our polarity assessment and reconnect with yourself and your partner today.

11. Align your values

Differences in energy aren’t the only kind. Even healthy relationships can encounter disagreements about values and long-term goals. A successful relationship will use these difficult situations as a chance to re-align and grow, instead of using them as an excuse to break down.

What are your values and goals, or outcomes? Are the communication patterns and goals of your partner compatible with your own? Misalignments in these areas can produce friction, but they are also opportunities to evolve the relationship to a new level of passion, intimacy and connection.

12. Shift your focus

If you plan to travel the swerving, obstacle-ridden road toward a healthy relationship, you need to be clear to yourself about the outcome you want; once you achieve clarity and commitment, you have focus. Where focus goes, energy flows. Will you focus on the negatives, or will you put your energy toward solutions?

Choose to focus on solutions, and you’ll be able to work through issues and celebrate the ways your differences enrich your life together. You’ll begin seeing your differences not as a problem or source of pain, but as a source of pleasure and excitement.

13. Keep it going

You’ve worked on how to have a healthy relationship and reached a satisfied place. Now you move forward, leading by example and always nurturing a healthy, loving connection.

You always have choices, no matter what life throws your way. You can experience pain and suffering and punish yourself and your partner with it, or you can take what comes, process it, learn from the experience and figure out how to apply that lesson to your life. So what is a healthy relationship? The bottom line is that a healthy relationship is something you must nurture and maintain, no matter how long you and your partner are together. Remember what Tony says: “If you’re not growing, you’re dying.” Experiment, add variation and create a healthy relationship filled with energy and passion – and remember to have fun!

Many people may think that love is what allows us to overcome obstacles in relationships, but in reality, it is trust. Trust is the glue that holds the relationship together, and without it, the relationship ceases to grow. Have you ever had someone you love betray your trust? It’s a gut-wrenching feeling. You feel it in the pit of your stomach, and you feel it in your heart. But trust is not just a feeling of the heart – it’s also connected to our brain patterns and processes.

The inclination to trust is wired into our DNA. In fact, when trust is betrayed, the neural networks and regions of the brain associated with trust disengage and shut down. The parts of the brain that had formerly been associated with positive emotions and acceptance toward the other person are now replaced with animosity, suspicion, and resentment. Most people can relate to that feeling, no matter what side of the trust equation they are on.

A case of damaged trust

Martin and Bonnie were a couple from the Midwest carrying scars and emotional baggage from their lives and relationships. Their trust had been deeply eroded by toxic behaviors, words and attitudes. When they attended one of our LIFE marriage retreats, it was clear that they were facing a particularly thorny path back to restoring trust in their relationship.

Bonnie felt that Martin was unsympathetic of the pain she felt, and that he really did not acknowledge his part in creating that hurt. Martin felt that he had offered support to Bonnie in the past, but believed that she was mired so deeply in her own feelings that she was unable to see how much he was hurting and frustrated by their relationship coming off the rails. As Tony points out, partners in pain or uncertainty often engage in unhealthy behaviors that push healing and intimacy away.

The negative thought-feeling-behavior cycle

The cycle that Martin and Bonnie were experiencing is a commonality among every struggling relationship as a result of allowing unhealthy thoughts, behaviors and feelings loose. First these thoughts show up in our minds, and then they show up with tooth and claw in the relationship.

The ways in which we think, feel and behave are all linked, and each influences the others. For example, when you think you can’t rely on your partner for support, you might behave in ways that push your partner away, or build protective walls that keep them from giving the very support that you crave, leading to feeling unsupported, angry and lonely. These feelings continue the cycle and influence your thoughts in even more negative ways as you seek evidence to prove why your partner cannot be trusted. Your resentment leads to behaviors that create an even greater distance between you and your partner, and the cycle rolls on. You become increasingly frustrated with your relationship, more critical of your partner, and give up hope. With every negative thought, emotion, and behavior trust is further compromised.

It’s clear that Martin and Bonnie are in this cycle dilemma – Bonnie feels unsupported and misunderstood; Martin feels rejected, then also misunderstood and unsupported. And they both feel lonely. Does this cycle sound familiar to you in your own relationship?

Their breakthrough

As the retreat progressed, there was a perceptible shift in their tone and attitude. Bonnie was speaking about a very painful experience that had never been resolved. Martin was aware of this experience, but had grown impatient hearing about it and had previously projected an attitude of “just get over it” to Bonnie.

But in this moment, Martin’s eyes came back and met Bonny’s. His face changed from passive endurance to careful listening – as this time, he was inserting something different into their negative cycle. It was remarkable to observe his ears make a connection with his heart. He then spoke the words that ultimately changed the direction of their relationship: “That must have been very painful for you.”

He spoke with a depth of feeling and sympathy. Bonnie looked at Martin in wonder. Tears came into her eyes as she sensed Martin’s empathy. She said just a few more words about the long ago incident, then said to Martin, “I know these past few years have not been easy for you. I think I forgot how to be a good wife and friend to you.” Martin’s eyes misted over with tears.  How you can alter your own cycle

Because thoughts, feelings and behaviors are linked, if you want your relationship dynamic to change, you can enter the cycle at any point – as any change you make is likely to start a series of changes. So if you change your behavior – as Martin did in this case by expressing a willingness to better understand and support Bonny – the next thoughts, feelings and behaviors in the cycle were changed for both of them.

As Tony often says, the key to any romantic relationship is to give to your partner without any expectation of receiving. And in that moment, Martin gave to Bonnie without demanding anything in return.

By opening himself to Bonnie’s perspective, he had a profound breakthrough:

• He was able to make a shift in the negative thought cycle that had plagued their relationship for years

• This change led to empathetic behavior and acknowledgment of Bonnie’s pain

• Empathy led to his new feelings of understanding, openness and trust

The shift in Martin’s cycle invited Bonnie to a space where:

• She experienced new and healthier feelings and emotions

• These led to a new pattern of positive thoughts about Martin and his care for her

• Those thoughts in turn led Bonnie to grateful and accountable behavior

With each accountable, truthful, and caring word and gesture, wounds were healed and mutual trust grew – and it all started with Martin making the effort to shift out of his own selfish negative cycle to better understand Bonnie’s perspective. It accelerated with his willingness to trust that his wife’s feelings were real and, with his courage, to speak words of peace and empathy from his heart. Just like Martin and Bonnie, you also have the power to alter the cycle and create a stronger relationship.

Do you find yourself fishing for compliments? Asking where your partner is going, even though you know the answer? Badgering them for extra attention although you spent the entire day together? Maybe you repeatedly ask your spouse about spending time with a coworker who’s just a friend. All of these things are signs of insecurity in a relationship.

Many people feel jealous and insecure in their relationships, even if they are loved unconditionally by their partner. Whether you’re in a relatively new relationship or a decades-long marriage, here’s everything you need to know about how to stop being insecure in a relationship.

Start feeling confident in your relationship What is relationship insecurity?

Relationship insecurity means you’re unsure and unconfident about your relationship. It’s a deep belief that you just aren’t good enough for your partner, that you don’t deserve love or one of many other limiting beliefs that cause you to feel anxious. You may doubt your own value and have a low sense of self-worth. You may even be living in a state of fear, always worrying about what your partner is doing when they’re not with you.

Insecurities in a relationship often stem from your past, and now you are letting your past control your future. Insecure people don’t always appear that way – in fact, overconfidence and narcissism can actually be signs of deep insecurity. Feelings of insecurity run so deep, we may not even recognize them ourselves, but there are a few key signs. Signs of insecurities in a relationship You’re jealous

This is one of the most obvious signs of relationship insecurity. A jealous partner constantly questions their significant other’s true intentions. They spy, become clingy or control your friendships and free time. Jealousy is all-consuming and damaging to every relationship.  You seek attention

Some attention-seeking behaviors are similar to jealousy, like the need for constant reassurance. Others are about a fear of being alone, like always having to do everything together. Still others fulfill a need for significance by causing drama or picking fights.  You argue constantly

Every couple argues – the difference is between healthy and unhealthy arguing. Healthy arguing uses productive communication tactics to reach a place of understanding and agreement. Unhealthy arguing stems from lack of trust, unresolved insecurities and even fear that true communication will cause your partner to leave you.   You worry

Insecurities in a relationship don’t always manifest outwardly. Many insecure people keep their feelings bottled up – while deep down inside, they’re constantly worrying that their partner is cheating on them, lying to them or will break up with them at any moment. If this sounds like you, it’s time to ask yourself how to deal with insecurities in a relationship.  You’ve noticed negative effects

Feeling insecure in a relationship doesn’t just affect you. It affects your partner and your overall relationship. Unhealthy arguments lead to complete communication breakdowns that don’t achieve a productive outcome. Insecurity also creates an imbalance in which you are the only one getting your needs met, leading to resentment and anger. It can destroy your relationship entirely.  Causes of relationship insecurity

It’s tempting to blame feelings of insecurity on outside forces. Maybe you’ve been rejected one too many times. Or your partner really did cheat on you or treat you poorly in the past. Perhaps insecurity in your family relationships has led to a fear of abandonment. These experiences do shape your beliefs, but ultimately, you are in charge of your own emotions – and relationship insecurity is an emotion.

The real root of insecurity is a lack of confidence. We may project an image of confidence, but inside, we feel inadequate and undeserving. And then we sabotage ourselves and our relationships. It becomes a negative pattern that we can’t seem to break – but we can. How to stop being insecure in a relationship

If you feel insecure, it’s because you haven’t dealt with whatever is putting you in a negative state. This could be that your needs aren’t being met by your relationship, or it could have to do with something outside your union, like a lack of self-confidence or fear of the unknown. The important thing is to get to the root of the problem so you can start feeling confident in your relationship.

1. Start with self-love

The core cause of insecurities in a relationship is often a lack of self-love. If one partner holds on to harmful limiting beliefs, like being afraid of failure or thinking that they don’t deserve love, they won’t be able to trust completely – and trust is the foundation of any relationship. To work on self-love, first identify and overcome your limiting beliefs. Learn to interrupt negative patterns of self-talk. Take steps to build your confidence and turn your life into a journey of discovery, not distrust and suspicion.

2. Learn to communicate effectively

Communication is key in all areas of life – and that’s especially true if you’re feeling insecure in a relationship. To really discover how to stop being insecure in a relationship, the best thing you can do is effectively communicate with your partner. How does your partner communicate? What’s their communication style? You can talk things over repeatedly, but unless you’re truly connecting with your partner on their level, it will be challenging to resolve lingering issues.

3. Meet each other’s needs

Feeling insecure in a relationship is often a symptom that certain needs aren’t being met. There are six basic human needs that affect every single person on the planet. We all strive to feel certain that we can avoid pain and gain pleasure; we crave variety in life; we want to feel significant; connection to others is essential and growth and contribution help us find fulfillment. Each person ranks these needs in a different way. Which one is most important to you? Is your relationship helping to fulfill this need? If not, how can you improve the relationship to feel more loved and supported?

4. Balance your polarity

In every relationship there is one partner with a masculine energy and another with feminine energy. These energies don’t have to align with genders, but opposing forces need to be present in order to find romantic harmony. This concept is called polarity. If you’re feeling insecure in a relationship, you and your partner may not be in balance. If both partners take on masculine or feminine traits, it can cause insecurities to arise. Look at how your roles have changed over time. How can you restore polarity and banish insecurity?

5. Act like you’re a new couple

When you start dating someone new, the energy is electrifying. You want to learn everything about your partner and be physically close to them whenever possible. Over time, this spark fades. As you become better acquainted with your partner, the fireworks you first felt start to fizzle. You become comfortable in your habits and stop needing to impress. Insecurities in a relationship can surface when your partner feels that you’re no longer making an effort or that your attraction is fading. Bring back the passion in your relationship and act like you did when you started dating. Compliment your partner. Plan surprising dates. Write them love notes. These small acts can reignite the passion and squash insecurities.

6. Create new stories

Mistakes are made in even the happiest relationships, but sustainable relationships are able to leave those mistakes in the past. What are you and your partner dealing with? No matter if you’ve previously fought over finances or flirtations, if you’re deciding to move forward as a couple then it’s time to leave those old stories behind. Instead of insisting that your partner always does something that irritates you, shift your mindset. Accept your partner for who they are and decide to create a beautiful new story together instead of reliving past pain, and you’ll learn how to stop being insecure in a relationship.

7. Stop overanalyzing

What does insecure mean? It has nothing to do with outside forces. All of your insecurities in a relationship start in your own head. Your thoughts affect your emotions, and your emotions affect your actions. When you let anxious thoughts spiral out of control, that’s when you lash out at your partner, become defensive or shut down. Stop these feelings before they start by learning to control your emotions. Keep your partner’s actions in perspective – everyone talks to the opposite sex, wants to go out with their friends and needs alone time once in a while. This doesn’t reflect badly on you. It means you’re in a normal, healthy relationship!

One of the most important things in life is love. When you’re in an intimate, passionate, connected relationship and you anticipate your partner’s needs, it’s an experience of pure ecstasy and joy – but it’s an experience that many people never get to enjoy. How is it that so many people are looking for love, but are unable to build lasting, extraordinary relationships? One of the most painful experiences in life is finding love, then having your partnership devolve into the percentage of relationships that fail. Did you know the divorce rate for first marriages is 41-51%?

We often ask ourselves why relationships fail. We tell ourselves “It’s just fate” or “It wasn’t meant to be,” trying to absolve ourselves of all responsibility. The truth is, the success of your relationship is entirely within your control. Many of us get caught up in the game of relationship roulette, hoping for the best but leaving the success of the relationship up to chance. This won’t get you anywhere. No matter how close you are to your partner, the only person you can change in a relationship is yourself. To experience real, lasting love, you have to take control of your union and make it the happy connection you want it to be. You must care for your relationship like you would a sick child, taking action at the first signs your relationship is failing to prevent further deterioration.

So why do relationships fail and how can you prime yourself for a better chance at success? Read on to discover more about what causes relationships to break down and how you can save yours.

Reasons why relationships fail

What brings people together? What are some reasons why relationships fail? A couple that was deeply, passionately in love can find themselves feeling alone, trapped and misunderstood within a matter of just a few years. By the time you notice the signs your relationship is failing, you may have already missed the triggers that weakened your relationship in the first place.

A primary stressor on any romantic relationship is that falling in love, however wonderful, is often synonymous with a loss of freedom and passion. This can eat away at a couple, leading them to see each other as adversaries and jailers rather than equal partners and lovers.

What if instead of looking at the individual liberties lost during a relationship, you focused on all the things you’re gaining by being with your partner?

To create a happy, long-lasting relationship, you have to not only appreciate the good times, but work through the bad times, too. Relationship issues are different for every couple, but there are six triggers in a relationship that can create tremendous uncertainty and conflict. These triggers are often why relationships fail:

1. Competing priorities

2. Stress, demands and expectations

3. Failure to meet core timelines

4. Physical fluctuations

5. Loss/inner conflict

6. Language that triggers emotions and meanings from the past

Any one of these triggers can put stress on your relationship. Two or more can make those in the relationship wonder why they’re sticking around and whether the grass might not be greener with someone else – or even alone. It’s no wonder that, of the percentage of relationships that fail, unresolved stressors played a role in the relationship’s demise.

Addressing the signs your relationship is failing

None of the aforementioned triggers needs to be fatal to your relationship. Rather than interpret triggers as signs your relationship is failing, recognize them as indicators that you need to take action. Here are some practical strategies for understanding not only why relationships fail, but how to salvage a struggling partnership.

1. Practice compassion

The key to maintaining a happy, healthy partnership is to treat your partner with compassion in times of happiness and in stress. As you do this, you’ll gain clarity about these triggers and the needs of your partner, some of which you may have ignored or been oblivious to. Research on why relationships fail underscores the role of compassion in vibrant romantic relationships. Researchers studied 175 couples, and participants were asked to keep a journal documenting instances where either partner prioritized their partner’s needs. Participants also documented their own emotions each day.

The results were enlightening. When one partner noticed the other partner’s compassionate deeds, both partners felt an increase in positive effect. But when one partner didn’t notice the other partner’s efforts, the partner behaving compassionately still enjoyed an increase in positive effect by as much as 45%. Researchers concluded that, in addition to helping relationships succeed, being compassionate may very well be its own reward.

1. Communicate effectively

Improper communication is one of the most important reasons why relationships fail. When your communication does not facilitate mutual understanding, it only leads to further distress. But when you’re able to communicate with your partner and see their perspective, you’re taking massive action to eliminate signs your relationship is failing. To improve your connection, commit to being open and honest with your partner. Realize that you (and they) bring baggage from the past into your current partnership, and be willing to work on your own baggage. Open up the lines of communication and share your uncertainties and concerns with your partner. As you open up to them, they’ll return the favor. When this happens, you can start working to rekindle the spark and the passion that your relationship used to have.

1. Practice empathy

Of the percentage of relationships that fail, it’s likely all of them suffered from a lack of empathy, leaving one or both partners feeling rejected and misunderstood. To help your relationship thrive, practice active listening so you’re understanding where your partner is coming from. This is the essence of empathy – understanding another’s perspective and finding cohesion between your point-of-view and theirs. You’ll find that practicing empathy helps you resolve conflicts and enjoy each other’s company.  Resources for understanding why relationships fail

No relationship is perfect, and there is a percentage of relationships that fail. There’s also a percentage of partnerships that flourish due to hard work by both parties. Every couple has ups and downs, but when you’re truly ready to commit to your partner, there are strategies to help you make your relationship the strongest it can be. At Unleash the Power Within, you’ll assess the current state of your relationship and identify what’s causing it to feel stagnant. Then, you’ll learn effective ways to put the spark back in your relationship.

Whether you attend alone or with your partner, you’ll learn about the power of polarity and how it affects your relationship. The multi-day event will make you recognize that something as important as your romantic relationship shouldn’t be left to chance, like a game of roulette. Your actions within your relationship must be thoughtful and intentional to ensure your relationship is a healthy, joyful one. Identify what you want from a romantic partner and learn how to create a loving, passionate relationship at Unleash the Power Within.

When you notice signs your relationship is failing, this is your cue to take action. Get additional support with Tony Robbins’ Ultimate Relationship Program. With the right tools, you can take your partnership to the next level.

One of the most important things in life is love. When you’re in an intimate, passionate, connected relationship and you anticipate your partner’s needs, it’s an experience of pure ecstasy and joy – but it’s an experience that many people never get to enjoy. How is it that so many people are looking for love, but are unable to build lasting, extraordinary relationships? One of the most painful experiences in life is finding love, then having your partnership devolve into the percentage of relationships that fail. Did you know the divorce rate for first marriages is 41-51%?

We often ask ourselves why relationships fail. We tell ourselves “It’s just fate” or “It wasn’t meant to be,” trying to absolve ourselves of all responsibility. The truth is, the success of your relationship is entirely within your control. Many of us get caught up in the game of relationship roulette, hoping for the best but leaving the success of the relationship up to chance. This won’t get you anywhere. No matter how close you are to your partner, the only person you can change in a relationship is yourself. To experience real, lasting love, you have to take control of your union and make it the happy connection you want it to be. You must care for your relationship like you would a sick child, taking action at the first signs your relationship is failing to prevent further deterioration.

So why do relationships fail and how can you prime yourself for a better chance at success? Read on to discover more about what causes relationships to break down and how you can save yours.

What brings people together? What are some reasons why relationships fail? A couple that was deeply, passionately in love can find themselves feeling alone, trapped and misunderstood within a matter of just a few years. By the time you notice the signs your relationship is failing, you may have already missed the triggers that weakened your relationship in the first place.

A primary stressor on any romantic relationship is that falling in love, however wonderful, is often synonymous with a loss of freedom and passion. This can eat away at a couple, leading them to see each other as adversaries and jailers rather than equal partners and lovers.

What if instead of looking at the individual liberties lost during a relationship, you focused on all the things you’re gaining by being with your partner?

To create a happy, long-lasting relationship, you have to not only appreciate the good times, but work through the bad times, too. Relationship issues are different for every couple, but there are six triggers in a relationship that can create tremendous uncertainty and conflict. These triggers are often why relationships fail:

1. Competing priorities

2. Stress, demands and expectations

3. Failure to meet core timelines

4. Physical fluctuations

5. Loss/inner conflict

6. Language that triggers emotions and meanings from the past

Any one of these triggers can put stress on your relationship. Two or more can make those in the relationship wonder why they’re sticking around and whether the grass might not be greener with someone else – or even alone. It’s no wonder that, of the percentage of relationships that fail, unresolved stressors played a role in the relationship’s demise.

flyer Addressing the signs your relationship is failing

None of the aforementioned triggers needs to be fatal to your relationship. Rather than interpret triggers as signs your relationship is failing, recognize them as indicators that you need to take action. Here are some practical strategies for understanding not only why relationships fail, but how to salvage a struggling partnership.

1. Practice compassion

The key to maintaining a happy, healthy partnership is to treat your partner with compassion in times of happiness and in stress. As you do this, you’ll gain clarity about these triggers and the needs of your partner, some of which you may have ignored or been oblivious to. Research on why relationships fail underscores the role of compassion in vibrant romantic relationships. Researchers studied 175 couples, and participants were asked to keep a journal documenting instances where either partner prioritized their partner’s needs. Participants also documented their own emotions each day.

The results were enlightening. When one partner noticed the other partner’s compassionate deeds, both partners felt an increase in positive effect. But when one partner didn’t notice the other partner’s efforts, the partner behaving compassionately still enjoyed an increase in positive effect by as much as 45%. Researchers concluded that, in addition to helping relationships succeed, being compassionate may very well be its own reward.

1. Communicate effectively

Improper communication is one of the most important reasons why relationships fail. When your communication does not facilitate mutual understanding, it only leads to further distress. But when you’re able to communicate with your partner and see their perspective, you’re taking massive action to eliminate signs your relationship is failing. To improve your connection, commit to being open and honest with your partner. Realize that you (and they) bring baggage from the past into your current partnership, and be willing to work on your own baggage. Open up the lines of communication and share your uncertainties and concerns with your partner. As you open up to them, they’ll return the favor. When this happens, you can start working to rekindle the spark and the passion that your relationship used to have.

1. Practice empathy

Of the percentage of relationships that fail, it’s likely all of them suffered from a lack of empathy, leaving one or both partners feeling rejected and misunderstood. To help your relationship thrive, practice active listening so you’re understanding where your partner is coming from. This is the essence of empathy – understanding another’s perspective and finding cohesion between your point-of-view and theirs. You’ll find that practicing empathy helps you resolve conflicts and enjoy each other’s company.  Resources for understanding why relationships fail

Healthy intimate relationships are one of the biggest joys in life, bringing companionship, laughter and passion into both partners’ lives. When your relationship is based on trust, it serves as a lifeboat, anchor and sail that keeps you afloat, secure and filled with purpose. When jealousy corrodes the trust and respect in your partnership, the relationship becomes a weight that hinders personal progress.

Understanding how to stop being jealous in a relationship is a prerequisite for a healthy union. No matter what causes jealousy in your relationship, you can work to tame it and create a meaningful partnership.

Want to improve how you handle relationships? Is jealousy healthy in a relationship?

When it’s mild and expressed in a healthy way, jealousy can lead to growth in a relationship. It’s a natural human emotion; eliminating it completely isn’t possible for many of us. We want to be the apple of our partner’s eye. We want them to reciprocate the way we feel. We want them to commit to us. These are all perfectly fine standards in a relationship.

Mild jealousy shows that we care about our partner and don’t want to lose them. Jealousy in relationships only becomes a problem when we let it get out of control. If you’re able to recognize the emotion, determine what it’s telling you, communicate that to your partner in a nonjudgmental way and reach a productive solution, that’s healthy jealousy. If you’re engaging in constant fights or unhealthy behaviors like snooping in your partner’s phone, it’s time to look at what causes jealousy in a relationship – and how to fix it. What causes jealousy in a relationship?

Jealousy in relationships often doesn’t show up immediately. When you first meet your partner, you’re in your honeymoon phase. The endorphins are flying. But then, you see a text from a person you don’t know. Or you notice your partner likes to make friends with new people when you go out. If you’re jealous of your partner’s successes, perhaps there’s an unhealthy element of competition that needs to be eliminated.

It’s easy to point the finger at your partner as the reason for your jealousy. But to discover how to not be jealous in a relationship, you must understand that it isn’t about your partner – it’s about you. In every one of these scenarios, ultimately you’re projecting your insecurities onto your partner, and it’s your insecurities that need attention. You must gain a deeper self-awareness about your own beliefs, attitudes and emotions, then learn to transform them.

At its core, jealousy in relationships is about low self-esteem. When you don’t feel confident in yourself or feel that you deserve the love of your partner, you project those insecurities onto your partner. These are limiting beliefs – false beliefs we hold about ourselves and our true natures that hold us back.

Even if your partner broke your trust, it’s likely your jealousy still stems from insecurity that was provoked by your partner’s actions. You can repair your relationship – but not if you’re letting your limiting beliefs hold you back. When you learn how to replace them with empowering beliefs and confidence, you’ll learn how to stop being jealous in a relationship. Effects of jealousy in relationships

Unhealthy jealousy goes against the 5 Disciplines of Love – universal principles for building a trusting, healthy union. The discipline of unconditional love and compassion becomes impossible to sustain, because jealousy impairs your ability to love without barriers. It’s also impossible to be truly vulnerable when jealousy is an issue – and vulnerability is another prerequisite for a passionate and loving relationship. If you can’t learn how to not be jealous in a relationship, you’ll never connect with your partner on a deep, honest level.

Jealousy also creates tension in the relationship. When you are constantly suspicious, your partner may not be completely open with you for fear of igniting your jealousy. Even when they’re not doing anything wrong, your envy clouds discernment and it becomes hard to tell the truth from mere suspicions.

You can’t give your partner the freedom to live life when you’re jealous, nor can you feel free to live your own life when you’re dealing with a jealous partner. Jealousy can creep into all areas of your life, making it hard to enjoy anything.

This tension can affect the physical, emotional and mental health of both partners. Chronic stress can increase risk for hypertension and heart problems, decrease immune function and shorten overall lifespan. The lack of enjoyment you feel in your relationship can turn into anxiety and depression. Studies have found that jealousy in relationships ends up negatively affecting relationship commitment – the opposite effect of what the jealous partner wants.

When jealousy is given full sway in a partnership, neither party thrives. And if you don’t learn how to overcome jealousy in a relationship, you could drive your partner away for good. How to stop being jealous in a relationship

Your partnership will suffer if you let jealousy go unchecked. Understanding jealousy in relationships requires being honest with yourself and your partner. Get to the bottom of your jealousy and create a healthier relationship dynamic.

1. Be honest about jealousy’s impact.

It’s impossible to solve a problem if you refuse to acknowledge it. Rather than pretending you aren’t feeling jealous or your jealousy isn’t a problem, be honest. How do you feel because of your insecurities, and how are they hurting your relationship? It might be difficult to acknowledge the problems your envy is causing, but take heart in the fact that you’re taking the first step to a healthier relationship.

2. Ask what your jealousy is telling you

Psychology Today provides a family therapist’s view on how to stop being jealous in a relationship: Rather than view jealousy as a problem, look at your jealousy as a solution. Jealousy (or any other relationship issue) is a window of opportunity we can peer through to gain clarity. Humans feel deeply – it’s the source of our greatest joys and greatest sorrows. We developed these emotions for a reason: they are there to tell us something.

Instead of shutting down the jealous behavior outright, seek to understand it first. What problem is the jealousy attempting to solve? Working backward from there will help you get to the bottom of how to stop being jealous. By getting to the real problem, you’re able to address it and find lasting relief.

3. Discover the Six Human Needs.

It’s likely that your jealousy is telling you something about your Six Human Needs. These are the needs that must be met in order to create a fulfilling relationship. They underlie every decision we make – and jealousy is a decision. It isn’t a result of your partner’s actions or something that was done to you in the past. It’s a result of your unique values and your mindset. You can learn to control it, but you must go to the source: your thoughts, emotions and needs.

4. List your insecurities.

Mastering how to stop being jealous in a relationship starts with looking at yourself. What insecurities are driving your jealousy? Are you unsure of yourself due to perfectionism? Are you comparing yourself to others? You’re not making this list to shame yourself – you’re owning your role in the relationship.

5. Cultivate self-confidence.

Once you’ve made a list of the insecurities driving your jealousy, write down an antidote to each one. If you’re living under the shadow of your partner’s ex, make a list of all the traits your partner loves about you. If you constantly compare yourself to celebrities, unfollow them on Instagram for a week. By giving yourself space from feelings of inferiority, you’ll be able to develop the self-confidence you need to overcome jealousy.

6. Consider the source of your insecurity.

Mastering how to not be jealous in a relationship is often a matter of healing the wounds of the past. If you’re struggling with jealousy due to an unresolved issue like a childhood trauma or addiction, get the support you need to overcome it. With the right help, you can transform your struggles into sources of strength.

7. Be honest with your partner.

If you’re struggling with jealousy, your partner has probably already noticed. Your partner is most likely also contributing to the problem. By practicing effective communication, you’re acknowledging your contribution while also holding your partner accountable – and giving them the opportunity to support you as you work toward a solution.

8. Build healthy coping skills.

Sometimes, it can be hard to let go of jealousy in relationships if you don’t have healthier ways to relate. Provided your partner isn’t giving you a reason to be suspicious or jealous (ie. by cheating on you or habitually lying), it’s up to you to tame the source of your jealousy. Recognize that you don’t need jealousy – you’re just used to it. Practice self-care and nurture your physical, emotional and mental health. When you prioritize healthy coping mechanisms, they become the norm and eventually replace jealousy.

In 2009, a programmer by the name of Kevin Systrom began working on a passion project that married his interests in photography and social sharing. He called the idea Burbn — a mobile app that allowed users to check in at particular locations, make plans for future check-ins, earn points for hanging out with friends, and post pictures of the meetups.

Burbn, however, was not exactly a hit with the users. The app was just too complicated. But Systrom was undaunted. He brought on another programmer, Mike Krieger, and together, the pair determined that while users were not utilizing Burbn’s check-in features, they were using the app’s photo-sharing features. And after months of tweaking and experimenting, Systrom and Krieger released a pared down version of Burbn that was essentially a simple photo-sharing app. They called it Instagram.

You see, Kevin and Mike had a decision to make. Sure, they could have forged on with Burbn the way it was, neglecting to make any significant changes. But odds are, they would have failed. They also could have thrown in the towel and chosen to move on to another project and another idea altogether. But it was the decision they made to honor their commitment to the project and be flexible enough to use the information they had to find an innovative and productive solution that allowed them to prevail.

It’s the same in relationships.

A lot of us have been conditioned to think that once we find the person who we believe is perfect for us, then the hard work is over. Everything should be smooth sailing from that point on. After all, if they are perfect for us, shouldn’t everything just fall into place? But that couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, once you find the partner you are ready to commit to, that’s when the real work begins. And any healthy relationship will require a certain amount of flexibility from each partner. Because change is inevitable. And in order for a relationship to grow and prosper, it is critical that you and your partner be able to adapt to the changes, finding your way through the good and the bad together.

FLEXIBILITY IS A SKILL

For many of us, how flexible we are in a situation depends on what kind of mood we are in, how attached we are to a certain belief or idea, or what fears we may feel about letting go of that belief or idea. But how many times have you seen that being inflexible has led to even greater stress or created more conflict in your relationship? And how many times have you seen that being flexible can help bring more peace, comfort and love?

That’s why being flexible is a conscious decision, and it is a skill that you must practice repeatedly in your relationships if you want to see the benefits. Often, individuals choose the path of resistance and refusal to change, because they equate being flexible with settling or weakness. But it is actually the opposite. You can still remain steadfast in your values and beliefs, you are just choosing to be open to your partner’s feelings and wishes and willing to make significant changes for the betterment of your relationship. That’s powerful and proactive, and it’s something that your partner will undoubtedly respect and admire.

FLEXIBILITY MEANS LETTING GO

Our attachment to things, to ideas and to certain views can make us rigid and unrelenting. By letting go of these attachments, we are not denying our beliefs and values, we are simply giving up the mandate that we must control every aspect of them. This practice is known as “non-attachment.” Non-attachment doesn’t mean being cold and callous. It is not the same as being detached. Rather, it simply means you are not holding on, you are not grasping. When you become non-attached, expectations and emotions will no longer control your life. And you will have a new sense of clarity that allows you to see the truth that lies at the heart of the matter, which ultimately helps you be more flexible with your partner.

FORGET ABOUT “BEING RIGHT”

When we are right, we feel good about ourselves. We feel validated and we feel that we have sound judgment. Granted, those are all positive things. But what do we get out of being right when we are in a relationship?

The need to be right leads to the need to win an argument. And the need to win an argument means your partner has to lose. And if you really care about your partner, why would you want them to lose?

When you let go of your need to be right, you open yourself up to a generative and exciting environment where both you and your partner can learn and grow together. This also creates a safe space in the relationship where both you and your partner can trust the other to engage in compassionate listening and effective communication techniques.

WHEN NOT TO BE FLEXIBLE

Many of us have been conditioned to place emphasis on having the same interests and hobbies as our partner. But what we really should be focusing on is ensuring our partner shares our same values.

Values are those principles and ‘rules of life’ that you hold in your heart. They’re the personal beliefs that are a critical, fundamental part of who you are as a person. And they play a role in most aspects of your life — the choices you make, how you interpret scenarios, the reactions you have, who you choose to spend time with, the expectations you make. (Read more about how values drive your decisions.)

When someone respects and honors your values, you feel safe and secure. But when someone denies those values, it can make you feel uneasy, or perhaps even cause you suffering. And a lack of shared values with your partner will only lead to continuous arguments and ongoing frustrations that can ultimately lead to the demise of your relationship.

While any close relationship requires compromise, it is quite another thing when going along with what your partner wants means a loss of your personal integrity. If you are on different pages, you will feel that you are sacrificing your core beliefs, and it won’t be long before the relationship becomes strained.