What you will learn:

• The definition of the law of polarity and how it relates to relationships and personal goals

• The difference between masculine vs. feminine energy (and how the two don’t necessarily correspond to gender)

• How you can use the law of polarity to transform your life

• Ways to identify your own energy and how it manifests itself in your life

Is there a single law that explains how the universe works? It’s a complex world we live in – and the human mind is even more complicated. But if there is one principle that comes close to making sense of it all, it’s the law of polarity.

Understanding the law of polarity is essential to living a fulfilling and happy life. The energy you put out into the world matters – not only to and for your relationships, but to all of your life goals.  What is the law of polarity?

The law of polarity is the principle that everything has two “poles”: good and evil, love and hate, attraction and disconnection. Think of the North and South Poles on a globe or a battery with its negative and positive terminals. Everything in the universe has an opposite. Everything is dual. And it’s what allows us to experience life to the fullest and appreciate the good in the world.

“For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” This is Newton’s Third Law of Motion, and it sums up the law of polarity perfectly. It means that forces come in pairs: negative and positive, action and reaction, masculine and feminine. You can not only nurture certain energies within yourself, but also use the law of polarity to draw other energies to you – like a magnet.

Think of it this way: Could you know happiness without sadness? Is there love without pain? Dark without light? And in relationships, is there sexual attraction without opposing energies? We’ve all heard that “opposites attract.” It’s true – and that’s where sexual polarity comes into play.

Sexual polarity: masculine vs. feminine energy

The power of polarity is at its strongest in love and relationships. Opposing masculine and feminine polarity, when it is truly embraced in a relationship, are what create that “spark” of sexual energy. The more opposed the sexual energies between two people are – masculine vs. feminine energy – the stronger the attraction will be in the relationship. Physical attraction, spiritual ecstasy and intimate connection thrive in a relationship when there is a distinct sexual polarity between the energies of both partners.

If two people have a similar sexual polarity, that is, both are more “masculine” or more “feminine,” then the attraction between them will be diminished. But if there is a strong difference, where one is extremely “feminine” and the other partner is “masculine,” then the physical attraction will be maximized. It’s “opposites attract” in action.

Masculine polarity and feminine polarity are not based on gender. Any person, male or female, can embody either energy. People with masculine energy tend to be strong, mission-driven problem-solvers seeking release from the restraints of life. They are competitive and can have trouble communicating emotions – yet they want to feel appreciated in relationships. Those with feminine energy are more open and free, ready to give and receive love. Feminine energies want to be noticed and understood, and their loving nature can make them stay too long in relationships.

What’s most important about sexual polarity is knowing your true nature and how it manifests. If you’re in a relationship, you can use this concept to make it stronger. Looking for love? When you accept and cultivate your innate energy, you’ll naturally attract partners who complement you. Once you understand and embrace the energy you’re putting out, you will attract more of the opposite energy in return.

The other side of the law of polarity: Depolarization

Even the law of polarity has an opposite: depolarization. In sexual polarity, depolarization occurs when one partner or both try to change their energy to please the other. If a feminine partner feels unsafe or unloved, they may make up for it with more masculine tendencies. If a masculine partner feels questioned or controlled, they may become less decisive and lose direction. The partners no longer have the play of masculine and feminine polarity between them. Both partners are channeling the same type of energy, which causes the relationship to become stale, tense or unbalanced.  Pros and cons of depolarization

Depolarization isn’t good for any relationship, yet it can sometimes feel like a “pro” because we start to feel comfortable with it. We accept the lack of sexual polarity in our relationship in return for one of the three keys to passion: intimacy. This is the “friendship” aspect of relationships. It’s the emotional closeness and trust that keeps couples together for the long-term. But a friendship without the other two keys to passion, thrill and sensuality, is just that – a friendship.

The depolarization of natural masculine vs. feminine energy is a passion killer, and that’s a “con” that is much more significant than any comfort or certainty you may feel. A lack of passion can lead to more arguing, lower levels of commitment and even cheating in order to regain the feeling of thrill and excitement. But you don’t need to settle for intimacy without passion. How to fix depolarization

Do you want a passionate, exciting relationship that’s fulfilling in every way? Of course you do – and you deserve it. Open up the lines of communication with your partner and commit to fixing the depolarization. Bring the passion back.

The masculine partner needs to learn to embrace the feminine force of life, no matter how wild and destructive it becomes. The feminine partner needs to not shrink when faced with the strong, powerful presence of a masculine partner. Learn to trust the wisdom of the masculine and its ability to act clearly in spite of emotions – and to embrace the wisdom of the feminine and its inherent intuition and focus on love.

Tony says, “What makes a relationship work is having things is common. What makes a relationship passionate is things being different.” You can reclaim sexual polarity – and reclaim the passion.

Transform your life with the law of polarity

There’s more to this law of attraction than sexual polarity. The law of polarity gives us a powerful tool to change our mindsets: When we understand there is a positive to every negative, we can choose to focus on the positive.

When we get stuck in a negative rut, it can be hard to see that there is any other way of looking at the world. If you are lonely, unhappy with your career or feeling unfulfilled, you probably focus on these feelings. These negative thoughts always seem to be followed by negative events in your life, which reinforces the negative thoughts. It’s a seemingly endless cycle, but you can break it.

To master the law of polarity and apply it to every facet of your life, you must first correct your underlying limiting beliefs. If you’re unhappy in your job, you focus all of your energy on finding a new job. On the surface, you’re focusing on the positive and trying to achieve your goals. However, if you haven’t dug deep enough to identify the underlying limiting belief for your distress – perhaps fear of failure or a belief that you don’t deserve happiness – you will continue to attract unsatisfying jobs.

The same rule applies to sexual polarity. If you’re not able to embrace your natural energy in your relationship, it may be due to your limiting beliefs. Underlying beliefs that you are not enough or that your partner will reject you may cause you to mask your true energy. Being hurt in previous relationships can also cause us to put on this mask, and we start to focus on pleasing others rather than letting our true selves shine. Are you masking your true self in your relationship?

law of attraction for male lifecycle depicting mask types

Are you more masculine or more feminine? Have you put a mask over your true energy? Once you examine your limiting beliefs and harness the law of polarity, you can bring the passion back to your relationship – or attract the right partner to you – and transform every part of your life.

The #1 law of attraction: polarity

The passion in your relationship has to do with the energy that you share with your partner and vice versa. The more opposed your energies are, the more attraction there is, just like the more pull there is between magnets. This concept is known as polarity, and if that polarity fades in your relationship over time, then so does the passion.

You can shift the level of attraction in your relationship almost immediately, like the flip of a switch. Learn about polarity and why embracing it is a key to beautiful partnership.

What makes a relationship works is things in common, what makes a relationship passionate is things being different. Different values ( you end up hating each other), but different masculine / feminen energies) brings passion.

When tired: put mask on from other = same energy = no sparks (different energy = sparks).

“woman need a reason to have sex, men just need a place’

Feminine energy: seen, safe, understood.

Masculine (single focus power / laser focus) , feminen (open feeling, sees all). Men have therefore more confidence (they only get one concept)

You couldn’t stand being away from your partner at the beginning of your relationship. You thought about them all the time. You were physically near them whenever possible. Why is that? It’s because there was an initial spark and an enormous sense of passion that was binding you two together. This spark is caused by the law of polarity in relationships.

Over time, you’ve found that that passion has fizzled. You still love your partner, but your relationship is lacking the magnetic attraction it once had. One thing is certain: Love is not enough. You need both love and passion for your relationship to work. The law of polarity in relationships

Relationship polarity is the ultimate key to passion. In any successful relationship that has an intimate connection and sexual attraction, there is polarity. What does this mean exactly?

Polarity in relationships is the spark that occurs between two opposing energies: masculine and feminine. Gender does not affect whether you have masculine or feminine energy. Couples can be the same or opposite sex, but in order for the pairing to work, one partner has to provide the masculine polarity while the other brings the feminine polarity.

Many problems in relationships can be traced back to depolarization, which is when one or both partners feels the need to develop the traits of the opposite energy. When a relationship depolarizes, you don’t feel the connection you used to, either because both of you have developed the same type of energy or because you are not embracing your true selves. What is masculine polarity?

The energy that drives masculine polarity is focused and directive. Masculine energies are most fulfilled when they have a purpose and are working toward a goal. They have a strong physical presence and are centered and unwavering. They are good decision-makers and love a challenge, and while they can seem unemotional, they want to be appreciated for their skills and contributions.

Masculine polarity can become depolarized when they are required to take on the role of caretaker in the relationship or if their partner questions their direction (whether because they are lost while driving or are flailing with direction in life). Someone with masculine energy won’t feel a sexual tie to their partner if they feel overly criticized, controlled or that their partner is closed off to them.  What is feminine polarity?

Feminine polarity seeks emotional fulfillment and connection. This energy is open and full of energy, oftentimes nurturing, other times more free-spirited. It is all about emotion for the feminine partner – giving and receiving love, making connections and appreciating the beauty of life.

For a person with feminine polarity, if they feel unseen, feel unsafe or feel that they’re not understood, then there will be no sexual attraction for their masculine partner. Similarly, if a feminine person is criticized for looking run down or worn out, this makes them feel less radiant and unloved, and they will start to shut down. As David Deida says, “Never tell a man with a masculine sexual essence that he is wrong, and never tell a woman with a feminine sexual essence that she is ugly.”

When your relationship polarity becomes too similar, passion dies. Now what do you have? In place of what was once a sexy, fun, amazing relationship is now a friendship.

Here’s what Tony has to say: How to increase relationship polarity

Remember, you have the power to give your partner what they need in the relationship. You have the power to create relationship polarity. Embrace your polarity

Have you ever held two magnets together? You know that similar energies repel each other, but opposites attract. The same is true of masculine and feminine polarity. Two people with similar energies can love each other, but they can never have passion. And single people who haven’t embraced their true core energy won’t attract a partner that is right for them. They need to identify their core energy and learn how to notice the energy of potential partners. When you know what you’re looking for in a relationship, it’s easier to find someone with compatible polarity and develop passion.

We all wear masks in life – we act differently as parents, as friends and as partners. We create masks to protect us from fear: The fear that we are not enough and the fear that we will not be loved are intensely powerful. Underneath the mask, our innate energy doesn’t change. But masks make it possible to give off an energy that is not our core essence. To make the law of polarity in relationships work for you, you must strip away the mask and embrace your natural energy. For a woman with a feminine core, a mask is created by the following events:

Stage 1: A little girl is born with a feminine polarity.

Stage 2: A little girl learns to create a masculine mask in childhood. This happens when either her mother teaches her never to become dependent on a man, or her father dominates and wants to make her stronger.

Stage 3: A little girl learns to put a feminine mask over her masculine mask. This happens when a girl sees men attracted to other females who are truly feminine.

Stage 4: A woman learns to put on a strong masculine mask. This happens when a woman gets hurt.

masculine polarity feminine polarity For a man with a masculine core, a mask is created by the following events:

Stage 1: a little boy is born with a masculine polarity.

Stage 2: a little boy learns to create a feminine mask in childhood. This happens when he has a powerful father that dominates, or a mother who teaches that being masculine is bad and rewards pleasing behaviors.

Stage 3: a little boy learns to put a masculine mask over his feminine mask. This happens when a boy realizes that he is not attracting females.

Stage 4: a man learns to put on a strong feminine mask. This happens when a man has been hurt by women and learns to please them.

When you become able to embrace your true energy, be it masculine or feminine, you will be able to give your authentic self to your partner or to attract compatible partners with whom you share passion. This is the first step to creating relationship polarity. The next step is to examine your relationship itself.

Be honest

It can be a challenge for you to look at the current state of your relationship. Is it truly all it could be right now? Why not? If both you and your partner want to make this partnership work, what’s preventing you from doing so?

You must knock down the walls you’ve built up over time with your partner and gain an understanding of why you do the things you do. First identify the issues that create pain for your partner – and take responsibility for your role in them. Only then can you stop causing pain and start creating pleasure. If you’re single, you must use the law of polarity in relationships to find the traits you need in a long-term partner, and learn how to sustain a healthy relationship once you’ve found your ideal significant other.

To restore polarity in relationships, examine the issues in your life that have caused depolarization. Did a medical scare cause the partner with feminine energy to inhabit a more masculine role in the relationship? Was it a surprising affair that caused the masculine partner to feel unseen and insecure, traits more closely linked to feminine energy? Just because your relationship polarity has shifted, doesn’t mean it can’t be helped. Be willing to be vulnerable

The law of polarity in relationships only works if both partners feel safe. If the feminine partner feels too insecure to relax into their femininity or the masculine partner is bent out of shape and loses his masculine backbone, the relationship depolarizes. Many couples spend years this way and get used to the loss of passion, but you don’t have to. You just need to have the courage to be vulnerable.

The discipline of absolute courage and vulnerability is one of the Five Disciplines of Love and is essential to regaining relationship polarity. Both partners – including the more emotionally closed-off masculine polarity – must commit to being present, staying connected and completely accepting their partner for who they are.

It’s often a painful experience that causes depolarization. It could have been an event that happened in childhood and caused the person to put on a mask, or it could be something that occurred within the relationship. Stepping into your pain with a partner you know you can trust completely is the only way to overcome this obstacle and take off your mask once and for all. Trade expectations for appreciation

The ultimate expression of the law of polarity in relationships is sexual attraction and fulfillment.

To create relationship polarity – to have a fulfilling sexual relationship that is sustainable – you must truly embrace and appreciate your partner’s energy. Each polarity wants to feel appreciated: masculine energies want to feel appreciated for their contributions, while feminine energies want to feel understood and appreciated for who they are.

A masculine man can go from cold and distant to open and honest when his partner makes him feel that his skills and opinions are important and valid. A feminine woman can go from tight and controlling to free and radiant once her partner makes her feel appreciated, needed and loved. Both energies must stop expecting their partner to be something they are not, and instead appreciate everything that they bring to the relationship. As Tony says, “Trade your expectations for appreciation and your whole world changes in an instant.”

If your relationship is lacking polarity, you can learn how to get it back. If you’re single and still searching for your ideal mate, you can learn to understand what type of energy you bring to a relationship and what you attract in return. Once you’re clear in your purpose and recognize what’s gone wrong, you’ll discover how to use relationship polarity to feel fulfilled long-term.

Rekindle the lost spark by attending the six-day event that has already helped millions of people around the world. Reserve your spot today and prepare to watch your relationship change for the better

You’ve learned that polarity in relationships is the spark that occurs between two opposing energies: masculine and feminine. Which are you? Sometimes it feels hard to tell. We all wear masks in our day-to-day lives that slowly cause us to lose touch with our inner energy – and that can depolarize our relationships.

To ignite passion in your relationship, you must embrace your natural energy. Discover how to strip away the mask you’ve created and learn to be comfortable in your own femininity or masculinity.

Three components of lifelong passion

Want to fall in love all over again? You don’t need to change your mate – you need to change your mind. You need to recommit to love, nurture what you have and focus on giving your all to your partner. You need this relationship guide to the three keys to passion – intimacy, thrill and sensuality. With it, you can bring balance and passion back to your relationship.

Learn how to eliminate boredom, reignite passion and choose love – the most important choice you’ll ever make.

Six reasons relationships fail

No relationship is perfect. There will always be ups and downs. The strongest relationships survive not because the love is stronger, but because both partners have the skills they need to navigate the tough times. They’re able to see the signs that point to trouble ahead and take action to face them head on – and save the relationship.

Stop playing relationship roulette. It’s time to address relationship triggers and salvage your struggling partnership.

The 5 relationship stressors

Do you remember what you’d do for your partner when you first met? Almost anything, right? How and why does that passion, that spark, burn out? None of us see it coming, it simply creeps up on us. One day, we find that the love and attraction is gone. The truth is that there’s a process of depolarization that leads to other symptoms like resentment and a loss of commitment. It doesn’t need to be this way.

You have the power to change your destiny. If you understand the 5 core relationship stressors, then you have the know-how to restore its magic.

How to be supportive

Nearly every relationship will hit a rough patch at some point. Stressors at work or events in the world that are beyond your control will test your ability to empathize, understand and support one another. Yet it is these moments when it’s more important than ever to learn how to be supportive.

When you start from a place of trust and total acceptance in your relationship, you’ll create a foundation that can support your partner no matter what. Discover how to build these skills and strengthen your relationship.

How to avoid arguments in a relationship

Do you feel like you and your partner are constantly arguing? And would you believe that arguing is actually a choice? It’s true – in fact, every action we take in life is a choice. We can choose to look at our partnership as a competition, or we can choose to put our relationship first and elevate our partner’s needs over our own need to be “right.”

It’s time to stop bickering and learn how to avoid and defuse arguments before they become full-blown problems. Use this relationship guide to turn your unproductive patterns into productive conversations.

Watching your tone

You’ve heard the saying, “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.” Even if your words are carefully chosen, your tone of voice plays a big part in the way your message is received – especially in relationships. Need your partner to help out more around the house or just take a minute to understand your point of view? An accusatory or shaming tone won’t help your cause.

Learn about the elements of your tone of voice – pitch, volume, pace and timbre – and how you can leverage them to get your message across in a way that will get you the result you desire.

Falling in love with yourself

The most important relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself. Without self-love and acceptance, you’ll never be able to be truly vulnerable in a relationship or give yourself fully to another human being. And you’ll never create the cycle of positivity that will bring you the healthy and loving relationship you deserve.

Stop holding yourself back from a fulfilling relationship. Crush your limiting beliefs, achieve total confidence and improve the quality of your life with this relationship guide.

How good of a partner are you?

Relationships can be defined by your level of commitment. Is it all about you or do you split the work equally? Or, are you and your partner totally devoted to each other? The quality of a partner, and therefore the quality of a relationship, can be defined by how world-centric of a view you hold. Do you deeply care about your partner’s needs, or only your own?

Change starts with you. If you’re truly dedicated to reigniting the fire in your relationship, evaluate how good of a partner you actually are. The Ultimate Relationship Assessment

A strong relationship is built on honesty and trust, which starts with honesty with yourself. Where are you in your relationship? Are you head-over-heels in love? Or, ready to run? Now, ask yourself this: where do you want to be? If you are true to yourself and know where you stand, and you have clarity in where you want to go, you can achieve the relationship of your dreams.

Where does your relationship stand? Be true to yourself and you will find clarity. Take the ultimate relationship test. Frequently Asked Questions How do I know if I am in a healthy relationship?

All truly extraordinary love affairs share one thing: they are the result of commitment to the ongoing mastery of fundamental relationship skills. Daily practice of these skills is a must. Building the habits and patterns that create and maintain an extraordinary relationship requires conscious application and repetition. Once these habits become muscle memory and you’ve established momentum, the beautiful, passionate relationship you deserve will follow and endure.

How do I know if I am in a healthy relationship?

All truly extraordinary love affairs share one thing: they are the result of commitment to the ongoing mastery of fundamental relationship skills. Daily practice of these skills is a must. Building the habits and patterns that create and maintain an extraordinary relationship requires conscious application and repetition. Once these habits become muscle memory and you’ve established momentum, the beautiful, passionate relationship you deserve will follow and endure.

The 3 keys to passion Extraordinary couples are just like you – except they make love intentional Posted by: Team Tony

Remember the excitement, the romance, and the lust? Sure, there were some challenges, but you were so happy as you explored whether you wanted to let this fascinating person into your bed, your heart, and your bank account. You planned dates, you dressed to impress, and you opened up your vulnerabilities. You made that person your top priority, and they made you feel like the most important person on the planet. And the sex? It was hot, it was fun, and it was frequent. Yes indeed, you were really, really good at falling in love. Because novelty and biochemistry were on your side.

How’s that working out for you these days? If you are like most long-term couples, the thrill has waned. Well, it’s not your fault – biology isn’t doing you any favors. When you were pursuing your mate, there was a cocktail of lust hormones and pleasurable neurochemistry boogying though your body. And it made you crazy – the brain of someone falling in love mimics obsessive-compulsive disorder. So you literally couldn’t stop thinking about your beloved.

But in a hilarious plot twist, once you achieved your goal – essentially, you made a commitment – your system shifted from pursuit to contentment. Novelty faded, the prize was won, and cuddling and complacency replaced sizzle and surprise. Fast forward a few years and you may find yourself in what I call Marriage Incorporated. Together, you do a great job of running your family – the mortgage is paid, kids get to dance class on time, and you even squeeze in a week of vacation here and there. But it’s nothing like when you fell in love, is it? You may find you are friends more than lovers – roommates running a business – instead of that passionate duo you were when you started.

Is it possible to reignite passion and excitement? The answer is yes.

Extraordinary couples – that are deeply connected, playfully adventurous, wildly affectionate and sizzlingly sexy – are just like you. Except they make their love intentional.

Recently I spoke about intentional love and sex at one of Tony’s Platinum Partner events. One of the attendees stood up and asked the audience “how many of us have read at least 5 business books this year?” Almost every hand went up. “Okay,” he said. “How many of us have read at least five relationship and sex books this year?” About seven people put their hands up. He then issued a challenge: “Who is going to join me in committing to put the same energy into our love relationship that we do into our businesses?”

In business, in fitness, and even in your hobby, you don’t just sit around and wait for things to get better. So why do that in love? Research indicates that a strong romantic relationship is the biggest predictor of happiness, good health, and a long life. So stop taking your relationship, and your partner, for granted. Take action. Instead of waiting around for passion, become passion.

I teach couples that if they want an extraordinary relationship, they need to master what I call the three keys to passion. What are those?

1. Intimacy: Emotional closeness, communication, conflict management – the feeling that no one knows you better, or has your back more strongly, than your mate

2. Thrill: Excitement, attraction, adventure – the butterflies in the stomach, so glad to see you at the end of the day, “in love” feeling

3. Sensuality: Eroticism, cuddling, sex – the entire spectrum from kissing goodnight to holding hands, from making tender love to raw lustful passion

Now, I want you to rate your relationship. Great couples are strong in all three keys to passion – in other words, they have a balanced Passion Triangle. Currently, where are you strong and where are you weak? Perhaps you have lots of intimacy – closeness and communication – but the thrill is almost non-existent, and your sensual life is… well, not what it used to be. Or maybe you have lots of lust and adventure, but very little depth or real relationship skills – high sensuality and thrill, low intimacy. Sexy but superficial is unlikely to sustain you over the long term – without the relational glue of intimacy, you may burn out and start looking for someone new to light your fire.

But take heart. Passion is a teachable skill. It takes intention, effort, and action – but starting today, you can choose to make love a verb. You can choose to improve the weak areas of your passion triangle, one step at a time. Here is a tool I like to use to get you started. Exercise: Set daily relationship intentions

Most mornings, my beloved and I snuggle on the couch – he with his Ethiopian just-ground coffee, me with my first flush Darjeeling tea – and set a relationship intention for the day. For example – I might say, “Today my intention is to be careful with my tone of voice when I feel impatient. I aspire to speak in a warm, calm tone instead of a snappy, unpleasant one.” He might say, “Today my intention is to create a romantic moment for us this evening.” Then we sip our beverages, smile, and eventually seal the deal with a hug.

So here is your challenge: Most mornings, commit to spending five minutes with your partner. Silently think of a small or large relationship intention. Then share it. “I intend to read that article you sent me on how to apologize like a champion” or “I intend to take you on a spontaneous date tonight – be ready at 7 o’clock,” or “I intend to kiss you hello when you get home from work.”

Then, commit to spending two minutes at the end of the day reviewing your progress. How did you do? Did you turn your intentions into actions? Did you forget? Can you tweak your intentions to make them even more actionable?

Because falling in love is easy. But staying in love takes mindfulness. Luckily, tomorrow is a new day, and we can choose, once again, to make love intentional.

If you would like to see where your relationship status is at, you can take the Passion Quiz here.  FROM DR. CHERYL FRASER

Keys to passion in a relationship

Everyone wants passion in a relationship. They want to feel a connection and a sense of intimacy and adventure with their partner. But when you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, it’s natural to start asking yourself: How do I get the passion back in my relationship? What can I do to recover what we had? How can I maintain a bond with my partner if we have no passion in the relationship?

You don’t want to throw away everything you’ve worked so hard for – this is a person you love! So, how do you discover how to rekindle passion and restore what you once shared?

The three keys to passion

The three keys to passion are what creates a truly thrilling, exciting, loyal, trusting, passionate relationship: intimacy, thrill and sensuality. If you’re wondering “How do I get the passion back in my relationship?,” you’re missing one or more of these pillars.

Intimacy is the friendship aspect – the emotional closeness, the feeling that you can tell your partner anything and they will still love you. Maybe you live comfortably with your partner, but you’re missing a sense of deep emotional involvement. The relationship is okay – and that’s it. Learning how to get back the intimacy in a relationship is all about communication.

The second key to passion is thrill – the excitement, butterflies and “can’t-wait-to-see-you” feelings we get at the beginning of a relationship. It may seem like this naturally dwindles in every relationship over time but it doesn’t have to. You can rekindle passion and feel thrilled just to be with your partner.

The third key is sensuality – the physical touch, from holding hands to making love, and all the little things in between. This is the most common piece that falls by the wayside in long-term relationships: You just quit putting in the effort you used to because you’re so busy with your career, kids and other obligations. It’s hard to get in the mood when you’re stressed and exhausted.

How do I get the passion back in my relationship?

You can rebuild the pillars of your relationship and discover a passion that’s even deeper than when you first began dating. You just have to decide that is what you really want.

1. Remember what you have together

Remember when you and your partner first met? When you were first together, you always gave it your all because your partner’s love woke you up to the gift of life. You worked hard to come up with creative ideas for dates and conversations, and you strove to show the very best of you no matter the circumstances. You consistently came up with effective new ways to make your partner feel loved, unique and cherished.

When did that stop and why? What is passion in a relationship if it’s not ongoing?

You initially achieved love and happiness because you were fully, unquestionably committed to meeting your partner’s needs. You were feeling a deep level of joy and fulfillment despite all that work, because your extraordinary devotion made your partner happy and you were building a lasting connection. Those powerful positive emotions you felt were reflected back to your partner and that sharing made them even more positive.

If you need to rekindle passion in a relationship, it means you’ve lost the devotion and energy that was initially there and negative emotions are starting to replace positive ones. And when you start thinking negatively about your partner, you inevitably turn away from them physically and emotionally.

Creating the relationship you want and deserve depends on your level of commitment to a desired outcome. Long-term relationships don’t just happen. They take focus and dedication, but when you prioritize your partner over everything else, it’s much easier to answer the question, “How do I get the passion back in my relationship?”

2. Recommit to your relationship

If the relationship is worth committing to, you need to take risks and make sacrifices to provide elements of uncertainty and passion. Go back to the question of what you would do for the one you loved. Anything, right? If you’ve mastered yourself and you’ve achieved clarity in – and focus on – your outcomes, what’s stopping you from meeting them? What’s stopping you from doing everything possible to make your partner happy and figuring out how to get passion back in your relationship?

If you haven’t committed and you’re weighing your options, your relationship is dying. What do you truly want? What is it that you’re after? If you’ve achieved that level of personal mastery and you’re focused, you must commit. Commit to working through conflict and communicating openly with your partner. Commit to meeting their needs and to creating joy in your relationship. Commit to changing and addressing no passion in your relationship today.

What risks have you been avoiding in your relationship? How have you put yourself out there? What have you given or added to the relationship?

Experiment with ways of giving. Be creative and see what your partner responds to. When you see patterns, think about what those things have in common and give your partner more. Don’t give up if you try something that doesn’t work; trial and error is part of the process and being flexible will lead to a resurgence of passion. Just keep watching and talking to your partner and learn as much from your failures as you do from your successes. Indeed, it’s only a failure if you failed to learn

3. Focus on yourself

Do you have clarity on what you want? With clarity comes focus, and once you have focus your brain will home in like a missile. But clarity and focus depend on your state. Before you can think of addressing a lack of passion in a relationship, you must master yourself.

The first level focuses on explicit Cognitive Understanding of what you want. You get it – you know what you’re after. At the second level, you achieve Emotional Mastery, where you start to feel an emotional pull that drives you toward your outcomes.

The third level is Physical Mastery. Everyone wants to be here first, but you cannot achieve physical mastery without mastering the first two levels. Cognitive and Emotional Mastery allow you to focus on what you need to do, what works and what doesn’t. It clarifies your emotional commitment. Now you own it, and you’re applying your knowledge consistently and persistently until it becomes muscle memory, a physical pattern or habit.

For example, let’s say that you recognize your tendency to withdraw physically and emotionally from your partner when there’s trouble or conflict and you recognize that this tendency leads to a loss of passion in your relationships. You won’t be able to stop this pattern until you commit to conditioning a new response. One of the 10 cardinal rules of love is to never get stuck in repetitive patterns because they lead to lack of passion in a relationship. You must find a way to interrupt the pattern and create new outcomes.

This may sound like a lot of work, but what would you do for the love of your life? Anything.

What limiting beliefs are keeping you from feeling and expressing passion to your partner? Is your fear of rejection or failure? Which defense mechanisms do you display when you feel threatened and how do they destroy passion in your relationship?

When you can answer these questions and commit to instituting new responses, you’ve mastered yourself. You’re figured out how to bring passion back into a relationship and can now focus on creating the joyful partnership you crave.

4. Transform your perspective

Even the happiest relationships face problems and diminished passion is not always an indication that a relationship is over. Learn to view problems as opportunities to grow, improve and evolve the relationship. Problems can be roadmaps that show us how to repair a broken relationship. Learn to see challenges in your relationship for what they are, and respond to them with purpose, an open mind and a sense of humor rather than fear.

Lack of passion in a relationship can often be the result of mishandling confrontation. When a conflict between you and your partner comes up, cope with the issue right away without blowing it out of proportion. Look at the issue from your partner’s perspective and be empathetic. Don’t jump to conclusions and always give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Learning how to get back the intimacy in a relationship means forming trust and understanding instead of getting upset and always focus on being supportive to your partner – especially during stressful times. Show your partner that you can listen and remind them why they trusted you with their feelings in the first place.

If your relationship is under pressure and you’re experiencing stress, anxiety and difficulty, you are in a defining moment. You have the chance to prove to your partner that they can trust you even when things are bad – even when it would be easier for you to take care of your own needs. Never waste an opportunity to show you will take care of the person you love.

5. Improve your communication

Do you want to feel that passion like you did on the first day you met? You may be ready to listen and give, but how do you know what it is that your partner wants? How does your partner best understand what you’re trying to give? When addressing lack of passion in a relationship, you must get clear on what it is your partner truly needs from you – even if they don’t know how to communicate it.

Most of us have a perceptual bias in the way we communicate. Is your partner more of an auditory person who likes to talk and listen? Or are they more receptive to visual input, preferring lots of eye contact or seeing your words put into action? Perhaps your partner prefers kinesthetic communication or the stimulus of touch and needs to have physical reassurance on top of verbal communication. An inability to speak their “love language” might explain why there is no passion in your relationship.

Pay attention to your partner’s communication cues. If you know their perceptual bias, you can adjust your communication style to work in tandem with theirs and ultimately find out how to make passion grow. By being sensitive to each other’s biases, you will both get more of the excitement and affection you want.

6. Understand the Six Human Needs

Once you’re on the same page as your partner, you can work to better understand how to get back the intimacy in a relationship. These manifest in as many ways as there are people, but they all come back to six fundamental human needs.

The first human need is certainty, the need to be comfortable, enjoy pleasure and avoid pain. A person with masculine energy can meet the certainty need by being emotionally present, open and honest for their feminine energy partners, even when they are upset. Someone with feminine energy can meet this need by showing their masculine energy partners that their love is unconditional – not just saying so, but being present and refraining from withdrawing even when things go wrong. Little to no passion in a relationship is often the result of uncertainty – but not the beneficial type of uncertainty.

Uncertainty is the second human need, because we can exercise and demonstrate our physical and emotional range only when challenges and variety are present. Each relationship has masculine and feminine energy (we’ll dive into that more later). Masculine-energized partners can meet this need by initiating surprise dates or token gifts with their feminine partners. Feminine partners can meet this need by being more provocative and surprising. Lack of passion in a relationship can sometimes be the result of boredom, so injecting a little uncertainty into romantic encounters can shake up the routine and reignite passion.

The third is to feel significant, needed, special and wanted. Anyone can meet this need by thinking of different ways they can show their partner how important they are. What small thing can you do today, this week or this month to show your partner that there is no one else on Earth who could take their place? What can you do to show how grateful you are for their love? How can you show them their uniqueness is appreciated? When you focus on being your partner’s number one fan, learning how to bring passion back into a relationship becomes much easier.

Fourth is love and connection with others. You can best meet this need for your partner by understanding how they experience the world and how they prefer to receive love. If your partner is very visual, they will love it if you gaze into their eyes or wear their favorite clothes; if your partner loves thoughtful gestures, even a small gift will mean the world to them.

The fifth human need is growth, because without emotional, intellectual and spiritual development we cannot rise to our potential. This is true of individuals, but it’s just as true for relationships. If you’re not growing, you’re dying. Put in the work that it takes to understand each other and find innovative ways to make things work for both of you to address lack of passion in your relationship.

Finally, the sixth need is contribution and giving. Giving is the secret to wealth and fulfillment. What would you do to make the person you love happy? Would you expect something in return or is seeing them in a beautiful state enough? When we give without expectation and focus on appreciation, we give passion a place to flourish.

7. Unleash the power of polarity

Is your partner holding back, forcing you to initiate every time? Or is your partner the one who takes action? It’s okay if either one is the case – in fact, it’s natural and it does not necessarily lead to a lack of passion in a relationship. You and your partner are different, but herein lies the beauty – the power of polarity. In any successful relationship, there’s a person with masculine energy and one with feminine energy. These energies don’t necessarily correspond to gender.

You may believe that common interests are what bring people together, and sometimes that is true. While common values and goals are important to the success of a relationship, common needs and personalities are not. Although having things in common with your partner is wonderful, opposites really do attract and restoring passion in a relationship hinges on these differences.

Do you remember how attracted to your partner’s natural energy you were when you first met? You never had to wonder, “How do I get the passion back in my relationship?” Is it really that hard to go back to that state? Your natural energies already work together in amazing ways, so there is no sense hiding, denying or suppressing your real selves. Appreciate both the masculine and feminine energies and understand they need each other to thrive.

Explore your natural polarity with your partner. You don’t need a clone – you need an invigorating, exciting life partner who challenges and excites you. You want and need your partner to stimulate you in new ways that are unavailable to you without them. They want you to do the same thing for them, so you owe it to yourself and your partner to be your authentic self.

8. Build a five-stage plan

Because trust is critical to restoring passion, you need some effective strategies for increasing it. So how do you start building trust again when you feel you’ve lost it? Here’s a 5-stage plan that works.  Stage One

Commit to putting your partner’s needs first and declare that absolute commitment to your partner. Say this: “I love you no matter what, regardless of what we’re talking about now or ever.”  Stage Two

Create heartfelt emotion for your partner so you can both heal and feel loved; stop, breathe deeply, hold each other and connect. Stay here until you eclipse negative feelings with love and gratitude.  Stage Three

Share your true feelings and listen to your partner’s thoughts carefully, without judging, correcting or fixing. Accept their feedback and respond with love. When communicating, make sure you utilize all of the important verbs that make up the language of love such as to give, receive and play.  Stage Four

If you don’t see the signs of a passionate relationship, you may not have enough shared interests, experiences and goals. Align your needs with your partner’s so you can connect with a common vision for your relationship and future together.  Stage Five

Always end any tough conversations with some act of love, such as a hug, a promise or a kiss. If you can’t do this, you need to repeat each of the previous stages until you are able to feel at peace with each other.

Passion does not happen on its own. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that if passionate actions are not spontaneous, they don’t count. Life is busy, and you need to plan for passion to ensure it’s not lost. This can include learning about and exploring new ways of being intimate and scheduling date nights to ensure you can ignite passion in various ways.

The longer you are with your partner, the easier it is to let other parts of life take over. If you wait for spontaneous desire to overtake you, you may be waiting a long time. Restoring passion is more about working together and committing to a plan than it is about the type of all-consuming passion you had when you first met.

9. Ask for help if you need it

If you’re struggling with how to get the passion back in your relationship, consider finding a mentor to help advance your sex education. A mentor can be a couple’s therapist or counselor you meet with in person, or a coach you learn from virtually. You can even consider an informative book or online course to be a passion mentor. World-renowned sex expert Jaiya Ma notes that a mentor can teach you about the 5 Erotic Blueprint Types (energetic, sensual, sexual, kinky and shapeshifter) and help you discover what type you and your partner are. They can also help you find new ways to express passion in a relationship and learn how to communicate better to enhance your connection.

If you want a relationship full of passion and love, what are you willing to do for it? Answering the question “How do I get the passion back in my relationship?” depends on giving as much or more than you want to receive mentally, emotionally and spiritually to your partner.

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How can you tell when a relationship loses its spark?

When you’re with someone for many years, your relationship will naturally go through phases. You’ll encounter relationship stressors like financial problems and family obligations that will shift your focus elsewhere – but you’ll know when you’ve really lost the spark in a relationship by these signs.

There’s no physical touch: Intimacy is the difference between a friend and a partner, and it doesn’t always mean sex. Holding hands, cuddling, warm hugs and giving compliments are all a part of intimacy, and the spark in a relationship depends on them.

You don’t “date” anymore: Life gets busy for every couple, yet making time to go out and have fun together must be a priority. If you’ve stopped celebrating anniversaries and birthdays or having date nights, it’s time to rekindle the spark.

You’ve stopped making an effort: Physical appearances change – you’re bound to get older or even gain a little weight over the long-term. But if you aren’t even interested in looking good and feeling healthy for your partner, that’s a sign of trouble.

You’re less interested in spending time together: When a relationship loses its spark, you may spend more time with your friends than your partner. You may even find that you’re very easily annoyed by them, causing you to punish your partner or avoid each other altogether.

Is it normal to lose the spark in your relationship?

Yes, it’s common for long-term couples to start wondering how to keep a relationship alive. It isn’t the loss of the spark in a relationship that is the problem – the problem arises when couples lack the commitment to rekindle the romance. Unfortunately, this loss of passion and intimacy is often accepted in our society as inevitable. That’s another myth. You never have to accept a relationship in which you feel anything less than loved, admired and wanted. Reasons for losing the spark in a relationship

Couples will cite countless reasons for their fire dying. Usually, these reasons center around not having enough time to spend together and slowly losing that connection they both treasured. That might be because of long distance, seemingly incompatible work schedules or growing responsibilities like dealing with children and their needs. What might have been a temporary state of disconnection unconsciously becomes habit. The priority for spending time together shifts from “tomorrow” or “next week” to “when things are settled” and eventually fades into “never.”

Less time together eventually leads to a loss of intimacy, which manifests as a loss of attraction. The loss of attraction leads to decreased communication between partners, starting a cycle of negativity that becomes one of frustration and further distance. You stop being gentle and loving with each other and start treating each other as roommates.

There’s no way to stay connected and intimate when you see each other only in passing as you handle all of life’s other obligations. You must refocus and recommit if you want to learn how to keep the spark alive. How to keep a relationship alive

Learning how to keep the spark alive is possible. It takes more than just scheduling a date or two to make real, lasting change in a relationship. When both you and your partner are committed to reigniting the spark in a relationship, you’ll find that anything is possible.

1. Create

You have to create what you want, not just hope it will happen or rely on your partner to put in the work. To be a good partner you need to be emotionally fit and shift from wanting something to doing something. Think back to the start of your relationship: you were willing to do whatever it takes to make that person happy. What are you willing to do now? You can’t just expect something to change without your input.

how to bring the spark back in a relationship

2. Talk with your partner

When was the last time you really talked with your partner? To keep the spark alive, communication is a must. Talking doesn’t just mean chatting for a few minutes before falling asleep. It means making plans about your future, understanding your partner’s love language and finding out what’s on the other’s mind. It means sharing a real, emotional connection with your loved one and seeing things from their point of view.

Research shows you need to have five times as many positive communications as negative ones to have a good relationship, particularly if you want an intimate one. It’s easy to see the negative impact of people feeling shut down and shut out of their intimate partner’s sphere. If you’re wondering how to bring the spark back in a relationship, you must make good communication a top priority.

3. Grow

What we’re attracted to in others is oftentimes another part of ourselves that we’re not activating. Then, we get resentful because those qualities are being shut down and stifled in the other person as communication deteriorates, which comes through as frustration with the relationship.

Relationships can grow stale when routine and habit set in – and growth is the key to how to keep a relationship alive. Vow to learn something new together, take a vacation to somewhere neither of you have ever been or find an activity you can experience together. To grow together instead of growing apart, you have to be willing to stretch yourselves both individually and as a couple.

4. Plan surprises

It sounds counterintuitive, but planning for spontaneity can make a huge difference for partners – especially when it comes to how to keep the spark alive. Planning a surprise date is a great way to break out of your rut and show your partner you’re thinking of them. Block off time on your partner’s calendar but don’t say what you’ll be doing. Then spend quality time doing something you both enjoy, whether that’s going for a beverage or dinner, seeing a show, taking a walk, going on a weekend getaway or even something like getting popcorn and drinks for a fun movie night at home. Your partner will see that you care enough to make time for them and you’ll remember the reasons that you got into this relationship in the first place.

how to bring the spark back in a relationship

5. Stop living old stories

When a relationship loses its spark due to an event like infidelity, or when trust has been lost for another reason, each partner will need to make a choice to consciously move forward. This means truly forgiving them and letting go of whatever old disappointments you’re clinging to. This moment is the only thing that’s real and embracing forgiveness for all those who have wronged you in the past – especially your partner – is the only way to truly step into our present.

Don’t filter your partner through a past story. That’s old news and it’s over. Instead, think about what will make that person feel loved and seen in this moment. When you release the past, you can love your partner for who they really are and discover how to keep a relationship alive in a new context.

6. Give

As Tony says, “The secret to living is giving,” and this certainly applies to relationships. Giving shows that you’re making your partner a priority and is a vital key to keep the spark alive. Remember, if you contribute nothing, you get nothing. If you get nothing, it’s likely that you feel insignificant and unloved. Instead, think about what you can give to your partner to make them feel filled and seen, and understand that they are your top priority. Go farther than your partner expects and you’ll be each other’s own #1 fan.

Create surprises and opportunities for connection, not roadblocks. When you recreate how you acted at the beginning of your relationship, you can easily learn how to keep a relationship alive and ensure it’s one of the most fulfilling parts of your life.

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What is the Erotic Blueprint?

advertisement Jaiya created the Erotic Blueprint framework to help you discover your personal map of sexual arousal and how you can understand yourself and your partner on a deeper level than ever before. The five Erotic Blueprints are the ultimate language of connection, passion and sexual satisfaction:

Energetic: Enjoys anticipation and tease and is aroused by energy over touch.

Sensual: Aroused by the senses, including sound, taste, smell and touch.

Sexual: Aroused by sex itself; this type thinks of sex as old-fashioned fun. Kinky: Aroused by things that are taboo to them, but this can come with shame.

Shapeshifter: Adventurous and creative; aroused by all of the above

Great sex isn’t just about being able to communicate what you need, it’s about speaking the same language as your partner, and learning how to honor and fulfill their needs. This is the path to connection. And it’s the way to opening up new possibilities for seduction, enticement and a deeper level of intimacy than you’ve ever experienced before.

Tony often talks about trading your expectations for appreciation, and Jaiya echoes these thoughts. She says that connection must start with appreciation of all that your partner has done for you. “Don’t come from a place of lack, that they need to change or you need to change,” she says. Enjoying the journey

Jaiya also says, “We get so fixated on the goal we forget the journey.” This applies to our relationships in general, but also to each sexual encounter. Especially for long-term couples, life often tends to get in the way – and we can find ourselves in sexless marriages. Keeping the spark alive is no longer effortless, but we can still plan for passion. Remember that there is an artistry, to both your relationship and your sex life, and it takes time to explore and expand into new territory.

What do you know about pleasure?

How many books have you read on business? On personal growth? Chances are – many. Now, how many books have your read on sex and erotic passion? Not as many? You’re not alone.

If you’ve ever read Napoleon Hill’s classic Think and Grow Rich, then you are familiar with the importance of your sexuality in awakening latent genius. Consciously understanding how to cultivate and utilize sexual energy is key to any type of success; when you are unconscious of how you’re using your sexual energy, it can end in a lot of unpleasant situations, not to mention that increasing your sexual awareness can lead to deeper connection and fulfillment in your romantic life.

So why haven’t you given yourself an education in sexuality and erotic pleasure?

Sure, many people have had plenty of formal sex education. But what did your culture teach you about sex and pleasure? About your identity and what you should or shouldn’t like or do? How great a job did your school do at teaching you what you like, or what others might like? What did your parents teach you (hint: even their silence taught you something)? What did romantic movies teach you? What did your religion teach you? Your peers?

Many of us may have been taught to suppress our desires and avoid erotic pleasure. This could have been in an effort to keep us safe growing up, because of religious reasons or simply because our parents didn’t know how to talk to us about sex. Unfortunately, this suppression may have led to limiting beliefs about erotic passion and that exploring sexuality was wrong or shameful.

Still, whether you’ve learned about sex through your culture, education or conversations with your family, you’ve had sex education – but how much do you understand about your sexuality? Understand what a great sex education is

Great sex education doesn’t shame you; it doesn’t shame other people, either. Learning about erotic pleasure helps you to make great choices, to honor yourself and others and to create the freedom to explore and experiment safely.

A great sex education leads to great sex, a better understanding of yourself and a deeper connection with your partner. Because when you know your body, you can communicate what you like – and thus increase satisfaction. And when you know a partner’s body, you have more confidence that you can please them, which ultimately deepens the bond you share.

Also, when you understand who you are erotically, you avoid feeling broken and you know what will turn you on. When you have clear boundaries and can communicate them with a partner, you keep yourself safe emotionally and physically. When you don’t have shame, you are freer to be who you are: someone who is sexually gratified, cultivates erotic passion and gets deeper joy and pleasure out of life. And when you are enjoying sex at this level, you have richer, more satisfying relationships and connections, which equates to more success in this world. Find a mentor to help you learn about erotic passion

Who you seek as a mentor for advancing your sex education is very important. There are a lot of great sexuality educators out there, but I’ve also seen mentors who shame people or give poor advice.

A fantastic mentor can teach you not only the geeky educational materials but can also create transformation in your life when it comes to erotic pleasure. They can help you find your sexual style and understand what it takes to build a lasting, fulfilling bond with a partner. Make sure to do your research and to seek out the best.

Get a comprehensive education and be sure to implement what you learn. Information alone does not equal transformation in this area, you must take what you learn and put it into action.

Mastering any skill comes from learning and implementing distinctions, and this is especially true when it comes to your new sexual education. A great place to begin mastering distinctions about what turns you on is mastering the Erotic Blueprints™.

The 5 erotic blueprints

Understanding each Erotic Blueprint Type is like getting the secret decoder ring to becoming a sex life superhero and claiming your own satisfaction and fulfillment.

Here is a quick look at the 5 Erotic Blueprint Types:

Erotic blueprint #1: Energetic

Aroused by space, anticipation and tease. They are very sensitive and need time to assimilate to sexual touch; too much too fast turns them off. If you enjoy a lot of foreplay and like to experiment with different toys, massage oils and other props, you probably have this blueprint.

Erotic blueprint #2: Sensual

Aroused by sensation: touch, sound, taste, smell, etc. They bring beauty, comfort and whole-body sensuality to a sexual encounter. Their biggest turn off is being stuck in their head and living in tension. A Sensual Type needs to be relaxed to open to sexual connection and turn-on. If you need to create the right environment to be turned on and get excited when the right lighting, music and smells are present, this might your blueprint.

Erotic blueprint #3: Sexual

Aroused by the simple act of intercourse. Sex is fun and they use sex to relax. Those with this sexual style are ready to get down to business whenever there’s time or a willing partner. However, they can get stuck in a limited view of sexuality and can be goal-oriented.

Erotic blueprint #4: Kinky

This type is aroused by the taboo. But they oftentimes have deep shame about their taboo desires and, if they don’t have a supportive partner who deeply listens to their needs, they can suppress their type and become distant or develop self-esteem issues.

Erotic blueprint #5: Shapeshifter

Aroused by all of the above. They are endlessly creative but need a partner who is also equally adventurous. Sometimes they shift to be what others want them to be instead of owning their own sexuality, needs and desires. Shapeshifter types often have to take time to reconnect with themselves so they can be more authentic and vocal in their sexual preferences.

Empower yourself and discover how to feed, speak, heal and expand your own and your partner’s Erotic Blueprint. This new type of sexual education can help you expand the erotic passion you feel in your relationship and be a key tool in unlocking an extraordinary life. How will you use your new knowledge about the sexual blueprint types to create a deeper connection with yourself and your partner?

As Tony says, the first step to transformation is to “take massive action,” so go out there, get some great mentorship, get fully authentic with yourself and your partner and learn how to speak each other’s Erotic Blueprints! That’s the path to more erotic pleasure, more desire and more intimacy in your relationship.

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It’s easy to take our partners for granted. Especially when we have been in the relationship for a while. We get comfortable, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, because that can breed intimacy. But when comfortable means we get lazy, short or even harsh, it has the cumulative effect of making our partner feel unappreciated and even unloved.

This year, when speaking with your partner, start to watch your tone of voice. Take note of how gentle you are. How much care and love do you feel you are conveying?

In his book, “The Relationship Cure,” renowned relationship psychologist Dr. Gottman reveals that when it comes to assessing the meaning of what their partners are saying, only 7% of that meaning comes from the spoken word, while 38% comes from tone of voice and speech patterns. Words that may seem neutral can become incendiary if spoken with a sarcastic, demeaning, or contemptuous tone of voice, causing the listener to feel hurt and disrespected.

But while we’ve always known that tone of voice is an important part of clear communication, just how critical are things like vocal inflection, volume and pitch when it comes to the health of your relationship? According to a study that examined hundreds of conversations from over 100 couples during marriage therapy sessions — your tone of voice may be a key indicator of your marital success.

Another area to start taking note of in your relationship is how you frame and deliver your thoughts and feelings to your partner. Arguments about housework, priorities and money are inevitable, but this is exactly why choosing the right words during an argument is so important.

Even when you have the best of intentions, what you say can escalate into a full-blown fight and really hurt the one you love. And one of the most common mistakes those in a relationship make with their language is the use of “you-statements.”

“You-statements” are phrases that begin with the pronoun “you” and imply that the listener is responsible for something. They show no ownership of emotions, but rather, blame, accuse and assume the receiver. This type of statement is more likely to make your partner feel defensive and resentful, and he or she will be less likely to want to make peace.

“I-statements,” on the other hand, force us to take responsibility for what we are thinking and feeling, and prevents us from blaming our partners. With “I-statements,” we can still be assertive, but find a less hostile, more compassionate way to communicate.

So how do you turn a “you-statement” into an “I-statement?” First, remember that the point of an “I-statement” is to express how you feel inside. A true “I-statement” uses specific emotions such as “I feel…” joyful, anxious, lonely, resentful, angry, calm, embarrassed, fearful, etc.

Avoid words that may seem like emotions, but really imply the action of your partner: “I feel…ignored, annoyed, pissed off, mistreated, manipulated, controlled, cheated, abandoned, etc.”

It is also a common misperception that you can tack on the words “I feel” in front of a statement. For example, “I feel like you are taking me for granted.” That is just a “you-statement” in disguise. It implies blame. And there is no actual emotion being expressed.

Lastly, make it a point to care for your partner by trying to see his or her point of view.

We tend to think that the way we view the world is the way the world really is. And when our partners disagree with us, it’s easy to think that they are the ones who are misinformed or have a distorted perception of reality. How else could they see things so differently?

But failing to understand that each individual is entitled to his or her own point of view is failing to appreciate what makes the other person who they really are. After all, you both are two unique individuals, with two unique backgrounds and life experiences that help form two unique perspectives. And those perspectives should be respected and valued.

Learning not only to recognize, but to appreciate your partner’s perspective may be challenging at times. But with discipline, practice and emotional maturity, you will be able to find new ways of understanding your partner’s point of view. And by doing so, you will not only find that you can enrich your vision of reality, but that you can create a new level of intimacy in your relationship.

Did you know that 96% of all companies fail over a ten-year period? And that 40-50% of all first marriages in the United States end in divorce? Why? The reason is the same for both –– they stop marketing and innovating.

Consider this. In business, companies use marketing in order to get potential clients to want to do business with them. Likewise, they use innovation to find a way to meet the needs of the customer better than anyone else. In relationships, it’s the same.

You must continuously market and innovate with your partner.

You marketed yourself in the beginning of the relationship, putting your best face forward in order to capture the attention of the potential ‘customer.’ You also innovated by spending time thinking about what that person would like and how to make them happier then they’ve ever been.

If you want your relationship to be extraordinary then your job is to unleash every resource you have to light this human being up and make them your raving fan. Get addicted to lighting them up. Get addicted to giving them pleasure!

Think about what you did in the beginning of your relationship in order to meet the needs of your lover and get them to want to be with you. Are you still doing those things?

If you do what you did in the beginning of the relationship there won’t be an end.

Extraordinary, loving, intimate relationships don’t die for lack of love; they die from lack of intimacy. If you continue to market yourself and to innovate to meet your partner’s needs, you’ll avoid losing that precious connection that you fought so hard to obtain.

The strongest relationships have polarity: opposing masculine and feminine energies that compliment each other. When the needs of either person aren’t being met, that person will put on a “mask” of the opposing energy and close off from their partner. But when polarity in relationships is fully embraced, a beautiful connection is created.

Masculine and feminine energies each have three key needs that must be met. Feminine energies need to feel seen – they want you to be present with them and appreciate them. They need to feel understood, through listening and validation. And they need to feel safe, both physically and emotionally.

Masculine energies need to feel appreciated, through praise and celebration. They need to feel free, not micromanaged or controlled. And they need to feel opened up to – so share your emotions and affection freely.

Communication in relationships is about first fulfilling your partner’s needs. When you do that, they will be more open to communicating and connecting with you to create the relationship you both desire.

5. Determine if your partner’s needs are being met

There is one surefire way to know if your partner is getting their needs met in your relationship: ask the right questions and then deeply listen to the answers. Reflect on what your partner says, and if you’re not sure what he or she means, then ask by restating their point and asking if you understand correctly. The key to how to communicate in a relationship is often not in the actual verbal communication at all – it’s in the way we listen to our partner.

Your partner may be communicating exactly what the problem is, but if you’re not listening, you’ll miss it. Resist the pull of just waiting for your partner to finish what they’re saying so you can launch into your “turn.” That isn’t listening, it’s waiting to talk. Instead, listen with a calm, open mind and really hear what they are saying to you. This will not only help you learn how to communicate better, but will also enable you to connect with your partner on a deeper level.

6. Be honest and open

Being honest and open is at the top of the list for how to improve communication in a relationship. Say what you mean, and make your feelings and your needs clear. Retreating from conflict seems deceptively safe and comfortable, but it’s no substitute for trust in a relationship and it will never help you learn how to communicate better. Walking away from an argument is a temporary way to deal with an ongoing communication issue and must only be done to achieve a brief cooling-down period. When you disagree with your partner, you must be able to trust that what you say will be heard and respected, and so does your partner.

If you or your partner (or both of you) is averse to conflict, you can find yourselves burying your emotions to please each other and avoid problems. This temporary peacekeeping band-aid turns a two-way relationship into a one-way street, and that’s not a sustainable outcome. The happiness and intimacy you used to share will gradually erode, and it will take the relationship with it. Instead of ignoring issues, it’s crucial that you both learn how to communicate better with each other.

7. Be present in your relationship

To improve communication in relationships and truly understand what your partner is telling you, be present. Put time aside and dedicate yourself 100% to communicating with your partner. They must truly feel that they have your full attention and that they are your number one priority.

It’s difficult to listen and be fully present, aware and mindful when you’re angry and stressed or are working on things that take time away from your relationship. This is a part of life, but it’s important to realize that it’s not an excuse for neglecting communication in relationships. Remember that intimacy, love and trust are built when times are hard, not when they’re easy. If we gave up at every sign of resistance, we would never progress and evolve. Seize these opportunities to learn how to deal with conflict and stress in a healthy manner and watch as you grow and flourish with your partner.

8. Let things go

Resist letting a discussion about what’s happening now devolve into a rehash of every wrong that has ever happened between you and your partner. This is the opposite of loving and effective communication in relationships. Instead, assess the present situation and identify what you can do at this moment. Pause and remember why you’re here, and remember that your goal, the outcome that you value, is to strengthen your relationship, build intimacy and learn how to communicate better. There’s absolutely nothing either of you can do about the past right now, so let it go.

How to communicate better is about more than saying the right things. Also be aware of your body language. You could offer all the loving and supportive words in the world to your partner, but if your arms are crossed over your chest and you have a scowl on your face, your partner is unlikely to respond favorably. How to communicate in a relationship means listening, loving and supporting with your whole being. Lean toward your partner, keep your face relaxed and open and touch them in a gentle manner. Show them through all your words, actions and expressions that you love them even if you are in conflict.

9. Break negative patterns

You know what your partner needs and have thought about their preferred communication style, but there’s something else that affects communication in relationships: how you’re speaking. Experts on communication break down the way we talk into pitch, pace, volume and timbre. The next time you’re in a disagreement with your partner, be mindful and make conscious efforts to modulate these aspects of your voice.

A voice that is overly high-pitched sounds defensive and immature. Also, if you end a sentence with a higher pitch, it sounds like a question; don’t do this unless you’re actually asking a question, or you risk instilling doubt in your partner.

Pace just means how fast you’re talking. Take a deep breath and slow down – especially when you’re disagreeing. Speak calmly and clearly to get your message across.

Pay attention to volume, especially volume “creep,” and avoid competing to be heard – competition only leads to shouting and miscommunication. Being louder won’t help you communicate with your partner. If your partner is speaking, listen.

Timbre refers to your voice’s emotional quality, attitude and tone. Pay careful attention to this, and watch for red flag timbres like sarcasm that can erode communication in relationships and cause distrust between partners.

When things do get out of hand, break the pattern: Be playful and use humor in a way that keeps the conversation flowing in the right direction. Injecting humor into the situation can make it feel less dire and can yield amazing results for the two of you. That’s because humor helps you regain perspective and balance; it is an essential component of healthy communication in relationships. It also relieves stress and improves your physical happiness in your everyday life. The biggest benefit to laughing in this context is that it reminds you that you love just being together with your partner. It reminds you that you can enjoy your time together, even when things seem challenging.

When learning how to communicate in a relationship, it’s important to break the pattern of hostility, hurt and retreat. For example, when you catch yourself raising your voice or being sarcastic, change your tone. If you’re using “you” repeatedly and blaming your partner, switch to “I” and “me,” or better yet, “we.” There’s no point in offloading all your relationship’s issues on to your partner. There are two people in every relationship, so don’t shift the blame to be entirely on their shoulders.

Breaking the pattern is a powerful way of reframing the discussion and bringing it back to a level where you can get to what matters. Communication in relationships is all about what your partner’s needs are, what your needs are and how you can both feel fulfilled from your relationship.

10. Start over

Sometimes no matter how much you want to improve communication in a relationship, an argument happens. This is when it’s most essential to be aware of your negative patterns and start over before they become destructive.

Tony often shares an incredible story about Mikhail Gorbachev and Ronald Reagan that speaks to the power of patterns. If you were born before the mid-80s, you remember the Cold War. It was a defining period of world history when two superpowers, with opposite ideologies – i.e., differences in values – confronted each other in a tense political conflict that could, at any point, tip toward war. It was not a productive relationship and in the late-80s the leaders of the two powers met in a series of talks that would forever shape the course of human history.

But, the story of how Reagan, president of the United States, and Gorbachev, leader of the Soviet Union, resolved the conflict did not start as well as you might think. Gorbachev and Reagan found themselves in the middle of a heated discussion on the merits and demerits of capitalism and communism. Like any discussion on politics, it was going nowhere and neither leader was sure how to communicate better with the other.

Tony had the pleasure of speaking to both Reagan and Gorbachev years after and he asked them, “What was the moment you decided for peace?” Gorbachev related that, in the middle of the argument, Reagan stood and walked away, only to suddenly turn and exclaim, “Okay, let’s try this again. I’m Ronald!” If Reagan and Gorbachev can start over after so much animosity, there’s hope for communication in your relationship, too.

Always remember that you are together because you make each other smile. Problems are obstacles that need surmounting, and while it’s easy to give up, the truth is that these are the moments that will define your relationship. Listen to your partner, discover the needs they value the most and fulfill them. When you understand that giving is the secret to a fulfilling relationship, you’ll put constant work into how to communicate with your partner in a way they can understand.

What you will learn:

• The definition of the law of polarity and how it relates to relationships and personal goals

• The difference between masculine vs. feminine energy (and how the two don’t necessarily correspond to gender)

• How you can use the law of polarity to transform your life

• Ways to identify your own energy and how it manifests itself in your life

Is there a single law that explains how the universe works? It’s a complex world we live in – and the human mind is even more complicated. But if there is one principle that comes close to making sense of it all, it’s the law of polarity.

Understanding the law of polarity is essential to living a fulfilling and happy life. The energy you put out into the world matters – not only to and for your relationships, but to all of your life goals.  What is the law of polarity?

The law of polarity is the principle that everything has two “poles”: good and evil, love and hate, attraction and disconnection. Think of the North and South Poles on a globe or a battery with its negative and positive terminals. Everything in the universe has an opposite. Everything is dual. And it’s what allows us to experience life to the fullest and appreciate the good in the world.

“For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” This is Newton’s Third Law of Motion, and it sums up the law of polarity perfectly. It means that forces come in pairs: negative and positive, action and reaction, masculine and feminine. You can not only nurture certain energies within yourself, but also use the law of polarity to draw other energies to you – like a magnet.

Think of it this way: Could you know happiness without sadness? Is there love without pain? Dark without light? And in relationships, is there sexual attraction without opposing energies? We’ve all heard that “opposites attract.” It’s true – and that’s where sexual polarity comes into play.

Sexual polarity: masculine vs. feminine energy

The power of polarity is at its strongest in love and relationships. Opposing masculine and feminine polarity, when it is truly embraced in a relationship, are what create that “spark” of sexual energy. The more opposed the sexual energies between two people are – masculine vs. feminine energy – the stronger the attraction will be in the relationship. Physical attraction, spiritual ecstasy and intimate connection thrive in a relationship when there is a distinct sexual polarity between the energies of both partners.

If two people have a similar sexual polarity, that is, both are more “masculine” or more “feminine,” then the attraction between them will be diminished. But if there is a strong difference, where one is extremely “feminine” and the other partner is “masculine,” then the physical attraction will be maximized. It’s “opposites attract” in action.

Masculine polarity and feminine polarity are not based on gender. Any person, male or female, can embody either energy. People with masculine energy tend to be strong, mission-driven problem-solvers seeking release from the restraints of life. They are competitive and can have trouble communicating emotions – yet they want to feel appreciated in relationships. Those with feminine energy are more open and free, ready to give and receive love. Feminine energies want to be noticed and understood, and their loving nature can make them stay too long in relationships.

What’s most important about sexual polarity is knowing your true nature and how it manifests. If you’re in a relationship, you can use this concept to make it stronger. Looking for love? When you accept and cultivate your innate energy, you’ll naturally attract partners who complement you. Once you understand and embrace the energy you’re putting out, you will attract more of the opposite energy in return.

The other side of the law of polarity: Depolarization

Even the law of polarity has an opposite: depolarization. In sexual polarity, depolarization occurs when one partner or both try to change their energy to please the other. If a feminine partner feels unsafe or unloved, they may make up for it with more masculine tendencies. If a masculine partner feels questioned or controlled, they may become less decisive and lose direction. The partners no longer have the play of masculine and feminine polarity between them. Both partners are channeling the same type of energy, which causes the relationship to become stale, tense or unbalanced.  Pros and cons of depolarization

Depolarization isn’t good for any relationship, yet it can sometimes feel like a “pro” because we start to feel comfortable with it. We accept the lack of sexual polarity in our relationship in return for one of the three keys to passion: intimacy. This is the “friendship” aspect of relationships. It’s the emotional closeness and trust that keeps couples together for the long-term. But a friendship without the other two keys to passion, thrill and sensuality, is just that – a friendship.

The depolarization of natural masculine vs. feminine energy is a passion killer, and that’s a “con” that is much more significant than any comfort or certainty you may feel. A lack of passion can lead to more arguing, lower levels of commitment and even cheating in order to regain the feeling of thrill and excitement. But you don’t need to settle for intimacy without passion. How to fix depolarization

Do you want a passionate, exciting relationship that’s fulfilling in every way? Of course you do – and you deserve it. Open up the lines of communication with your partner and commit to fixing the depolarization. Bring the passion back.

The masculine partner needs to learn to embrace the feminine force of life, no matter how wild and destructive it becomes. The feminine partner needs to not shrink when faced with the strong, powerful presence of a masculine partner. Learn to trust the wisdom of the masculine and its ability to act clearly in spite of emotions – and to embrace the wisdom of the feminine and its inherent intuition and focus on love.

Tony says, “What makes a relationship work is having things is common. What makes a relationship passionate is things being different.” You can reclaim sexual polarity – and reclaim the passion.

Transform your life with the law of polarity

There’s more to this law of attraction than sexual polarity. The law of polarity gives us a powerful tool to change our mindsets: When we understand there is a positive to every negative, we can choose to focus on the positive.

When we get stuck in a negative rut, it can be hard to see that there is any other way of looking at the world. If you are lonely, unhappy with your career or feeling unfulfilled, you probably focus on these feelings. These negative thoughts always seem to be followed by negative events in your life, which reinforces the negative thoughts. It’s a seemingly endless cycle, but you can break it.

To master the law of polarity and apply it to every facet of your life, you must first correct your underlying limiting beliefs. If you’re unhappy in your job, you focus all of your energy on finding a new job. On the surface, you’re focusing on the positive and trying to achieve your goals. However, if you haven’t dug deep enough to identify the underlying limiting belief for your distress – perhaps fear of failure or a belief that you don’t deserve happiness – you will continue to attract unsatisfying jobs.

The same rule applies to sexual polarity. If you’re not able to embrace your natural energy in your relationship, it may be due to your limiting beliefs. Underlying beliefs that you are not enough or that your partner will reject you may cause you to mask your true energy. Being hurt in previous relationships can also cause us to put on this mask, and we start to focus on pleasing others rather than letting our true selves shine. Are you masking your true self in your relationship?

law of attraction for male lifecycle depicting mask types

Are you more masculine or more feminine? Have you put a mask over your true energy? Once you examine your limiting beliefs and harness the law of polarity, you can bring the passion back to your relationship – or attract the right partner to you – and transform every part of your life.

The #1 law of attraction: polarity

The passion in your relationship has to do with the energy that you share with your partner and vice versa. The more opposed your energies are, the more attraction there is, just like the more pull there is between magnets. This concept is known as polarity, and if that polarity fades in your relationship over time, then so does the passion.

You can shift the level of attraction in your relationship almost immediately, like the flip of a switch. Learn about polarity and why embracing it is a key to beautiful partnership.

What makes a relationship works is things in common, what makes a relationship passionate is things being different. Different values ( you end up hating each other), but different masculine / feminen energies) brings passion.

When tired: put mask on from other = same energy = no sparks (different energy = sparks).

“woman need a reason to have sex, men just need a place’

Feminine energy: seen, safe, understood.

Masculine (single focus power / laser focus) , feminen (open feeling, sees all). Men have therefore more confidence (they only get one concept)

You couldn’t stand being away from your partner at the beginning of your relationship. You thought about them all the time. You were physically near them whenever possible. Why is that? It’s because there was an initial spark and an enormous sense of passion that was binding you two together. This spark is caused by the law of polarity in relationships.

Over time, you’ve found that that passion has fizzled. You still love your partner, but your relationship is lacking the magnetic attraction it once had. One thing is certain: Love is not enough. You need both love and passion for your relationship to work. The law of polarity in relationships

Relationship polarity is the ultimate key to passion. In any successful relationship that has an intimate connection and sexual attraction, there is polarity. What does this mean exactly?

Polarity in relationships is the spark that occurs between two opposing energies: masculine and feminine. Gender does not affect whether you have masculine or feminine energy. Couples can be the same or opposite sex, but in order for the pairing to work, one partner has to provide the masculine polarity while the other brings the feminine polarity.

Many problems in relationships can be traced back to depolarization, which is when one or both partners feels the need to develop the traits of the opposite energy. When a relationship depolarizes, you don’t feel the connection you used to, either because both of you have developed the same type of energy or because you are not embracing your true selves. What is masculine polarity?

The energy that drives masculine polarity is focused and directive. Masculine energies are most fulfilled when they have a purpose and are working toward a goal. They have a strong physical presence and are centered and unwavering. They are good decision-makers and love a challenge, and while they can seem unemotional, they want to be appreciated for their skills and contributions.

Masculine polarity can become depolarized when they are required to take on the role of caretaker in the relationship or if their partner questions their direction (whether because they are lost while driving or are flailing with direction in life). Someone with masculine energy won’t feel a sexual tie to their partner if they feel overly criticized, controlled or that their partner is closed off to them.  What is feminine polarity?

Feminine polarity seeks emotional fulfillment and connection. This energy is open and full of energy, oftentimes nurturing, other times more free-spirited. It is all about emotion for the feminine partner – giving and receiving love, making connections and appreciating the beauty of life.

For a person with feminine polarity, if they feel unseen, feel unsafe or feel that they’re not understood, then there will be no sexual attraction for their masculine partner. Similarly, if a feminine person is criticized for looking run down or worn out, this makes them feel less radiant and unloved, and they will start to shut down. As David Deida says, “Never tell a man with a masculine sexual essence that he is wrong, and never tell a woman with a feminine sexual essence that she is ugly.”

When your relationship polarity becomes too similar, passion dies. Now what do you have? In place of what was once a sexy, fun, amazing relationship is now a friendship.

Here’s what Tony has to say: How to increase relationship polarity

Remember, you have the power to give your partner what they need in the relationship. You have the power to create relationship polarity. Embrace your polarity

Have you ever held two magnets together? You know that similar energies repel each other, but opposites attract. The same is true of masculine and feminine polarity. Two people with similar energies can love each other, but they can never have passion. And single people who haven’t embraced their true core energy won’t attract a partner that is right for them. They need to identify their core energy and learn how to notice the energy of potential partners. When you know what you’re looking for in a relationship, it’s easier to find someone with compatible polarity and develop passion.

We all wear masks in life – we act differently as parents, as friends and as partners. We create masks to protect us from fear: The fear that we are not enough and the fear that we will not be loved are intensely powerful. Underneath the mask, our innate energy doesn’t change. But masks make it possible to give off an energy that is not our core essence. To make the law of polarity in relationships work for you, you must strip away the mask and embrace your natural energy. For a woman with a feminine core, a mask is created by the following events:

Stage 1: A little girl is born with a feminine polarity.

Stage 2: A little girl learns to create a masculine mask in childhood. This happens when either her mother teaches her never to become dependent on a man, or her father dominates and wants to make her stronger.

Stage 3: A little girl learns to put a feminine mask over her masculine mask. This happens when a girl sees men attracted to other females who are truly feminine.

Stage 4: A woman learns to put on a strong masculine mask. This happens when a woman gets hurt.

masculine polarity feminine polarity For a man with a masculine core, a mask is created by the following events:

Stage 1: a little boy is born with a masculine polarity.

Stage 2: a little boy learns to create a feminine mask in childhood. This happens when he has a powerful father that dominates, or a mother who teaches that being masculine is bad and rewards pleasing behaviors.

Stage 3: a little boy learns to put a masculine mask over his feminine mask. This happens when a boy realizes that he is not attracting females.

Stage 4: a man learns to put on a strong feminine mask. This happens when a man has been hurt by women and learns to please them.

When you become able to embrace your true energy, be it masculine or feminine, you will be able to give your authentic self to your partner or to attract compatible partners with whom you share passion. This is the first step to creating relationship polarity. The next step is to examine your relationship itself.

Be honest

It can be a challenge for you to look at the current state of your relationship. Is it truly all it could be right now? Why not? If both you and your partner want to make this partnership work, what’s preventing you from doing so?

You must knock down the walls you’ve built up over time with your partner and gain an understanding of why you do the things you do. First identify the issues that create pain for your partner – and take responsibility for your role in them. Only then can you stop causing pain and start creating pleasure. If you’re single, you must use the law of polarity in relationships to find the traits you need in a long-term partner, and learn how to sustain a healthy relationship once you’ve found your ideal significant other.

To restore polarity in relationships, examine the issues in your life that have caused depolarization. Did a medical scare cause the partner with feminine energy to inhabit a more masculine role in the relationship? Was it a surprising affair that caused the masculine partner to feel unseen and insecure, traits more closely linked to feminine energy? Just because your relationship polarity has shifted, doesn’t mean it can’t be helped. Be willing to be vulnerable

The law of polarity in relationships only works if both partners feel safe. If the feminine partner feels too insecure to relax into their femininity or the masculine partner is bent out of shape and loses his masculine backbone, the relationship depolarizes. Many couples spend years this way and get used to the loss of passion, but you don’t have to. You just need to have the courage to be vulnerable.

The discipline of absolute courage and vulnerability is one of the Five Disciplines of Love and is essential to regaining relationship polarity. Both partners – including the more emotionally closed-off masculine polarity – must commit to being present, staying connected and completely accepting their partner for who they are.

It’s often a painful experience that causes depolarization. It could have been an event that happened in childhood and caused the person to put on a mask, or it could be something that occurred within the relationship. Stepping into your pain with a partner you know you can trust completely is the only way to overcome this obstacle and take off your mask once and for all. Trade expectations for appreciation

The ultimate expression of the law of polarity in relationships is sexual attraction and fulfillment.

To create relationship polarity – to have a fulfilling sexual relationship that is sustainable – you must truly embrace and appreciate your partner’s energy. Each polarity wants to feel appreciated: masculine energies want to feel appreciated for their contributions, while feminine energies want to feel understood and appreciated for who they are.

A masculine man can go from cold and distant to open and honest when his partner makes him feel that his skills and opinions are important and valid. A feminine woman can go from tight and controlling to free and radiant once her partner makes her feel appreciated, needed and loved. Both energies must stop expecting their partner to be something they are not, and instead appreciate everything that they bring to the relationship. As Tony says, “Trade your expectations for appreciation and your whole world changes in an instant.”

If your relationship is lacking polarity, you can learn how to get it back. If you’re single and still searching for your ideal mate, you can learn to understand what type of energy you bring to a relationship and what you attract in return. Once you’re clear in your purpose and recognize what’s gone wrong, you’ll discover how to use relationship polarity to feel fulfilled long-term.

Rekindle the lost spark by attending the six-day event that has already helped millions of people around the world. Reserve your spot today and prepare to watch your relationship change for the better

You’ve learned that polarity in relationships is the spark that occurs between two opposing energies: masculine and feminine. Which are you? Sometimes it feels hard to tell. We all wear masks in our day-to-day lives that slowly cause us to lose touch with our inner energy – and that can depolarize our relationships.

To ignite passion in your relationship, you must embrace your natural energy. Discover how to strip away the mask you’ve created and learn to be comfortable in your own femininity or masculinity.

Three components of lifelong passion

Want to fall in love all over again? You don’t need to change your mate – you need to change your mind. You need to recommit to love, nurture what you have and focus on giving your all to your partner. You need this relationship guide to the three keys to passion – intimacy, thrill and sensuality. With it, you can bring balance and passion back to your relationship.

Learn how to eliminate boredom, reignite passion and choose love – the most important choice you’ll ever make.

Six reasons relationships fail

No relationship is perfect. There will always be ups and downs. The strongest relationships survive not because the love is stronger, but because both partners have the skills they need to navigate the tough times. They’re able to see the signs that point to trouble ahead and take action to face them head on – and save the relationship.

Stop playing relationship roulette. It’s time to address relationship triggers and salvage your struggling partnership.

The 5 relationship stressors

Do you remember what you’d do for your partner when you first met? Almost anything, right? How and why does that passion, that spark, burn out? None of us see it coming, it simply creeps up on us. One day, we find that the love and attraction is gone. The truth is that there’s a process of depolarization that leads to other symptoms like resentment and a loss of commitment. It doesn’t need to be this way.

You have the power to change your destiny. If you understand the 5 core relationship stressors, then you have the know-how to restore its magic.

How to be supportive

Nearly every relationship will hit a rough patch at some point. Stressors at work or events in the world that are beyond your control will test your ability to empathize, understand and support one another. Yet it is these moments when it’s more important than ever to learn how to be supportive.

When you start from a place of trust and total acceptance in your relationship, you’ll create a foundation that can support your partner no matter what. Discover how to build these skills and strengthen your relationship.

How to avoid arguments in a relationship

Do you feel like you and your partner are constantly arguing? And would you believe that arguing is actually a choice? It’s true – in fact, every action we take in life is a choice. We can choose to look at our partnership as a competition, or we can choose to put our relationship first and elevate our partner’s needs over our own need to be “right.”

It’s time to stop bickering and learn how to avoid and defuse arguments before they become full-blown problems. Use this relationship guide to turn your unproductive patterns into productive conversations.

Watching your tone

You’ve heard the saying, “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.” Even if your words are carefully chosen, your tone of voice plays a big part in the way your message is received – especially in relationships. Need your partner to help out more around the house or just take a minute to understand your point of view? An accusatory or shaming tone won’t help your cause.

Learn about the elements of your tone of voice – pitch, volume, pace and timbre – and how you can leverage them to get your message across in a way that will get you the result you desire.

Falling in love with yourself

The most important relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself. Without self-love and acceptance, you’ll never be able to be truly vulnerable in a relationship or give yourself fully to another human being. And you’ll never create the cycle of positivity that will bring you the healthy and loving relationship you deserve.

Stop holding yourself back from a fulfilling relationship. Crush your limiting beliefs, achieve total confidence and improve the quality of your life with this relationship guide.

How good of a partner are you?

Relationships can be defined by your level of commitment. Is it all about you or do you split the work equally? Or, are you and your partner totally devoted to each other? The quality of a partner, and therefore the quality of a relationship, can be defined by how world-centric of a view you hold. Do you deeply care about your partner’s needs, or only your own?

Change starts with you. If you’re truly dedicated to reigniting the fire in your relationship, evaluate how good of a partner you actually are. The Ultimate Relationship Assessment

A strong relationship is built on honesty and trust, which starts with honesty with yourself. Where are you in your relationship? Are you head-over-heels in love? Or, ready to run? Now, ask yourself this: where do you want to be? If you are true to yourself and know where you stand, and you have clarity in where you want to go, you can achieve the relationship of your dreams.

Where does your relationship stand? Be true to yourself and you will find clarity. Take the ultimate relationship test. Frequently Asked Questions How do I know if I am in a healthy relationship?

All truly extraordinary love affairs share one thing: they are the result of commitment to the ongoing mastery of fundamental relationship skills. Daily practice of these skills is a must. Building the habits and patterns that create and maintain an extraordinary relationship requires conscious application and repetition. Once these habits become muscle memory and you’ve established momentum, the beautiful, passionate relationship you deserve will follow and endure.

How do I know if I am in a healthy relationship?

All truly extraordinary love affairs share one thing: they are the result of commitment to the ongoing mastery of fundamental relationship skills. Daily practice of these skills is a must. Building the habits and patterns that create and maintain an extraordinary relationship requires conscious application and repetition. Once these habits become muscle memory and you’ve established momentum, the beautiful, passionate relationship you deserve will follow and endure.

The 3 keys to passion Extraordinary couples are just like you – except they make love intentional Posted by: Team Tony

Remember the excitement, the romance, and the lust? Sure, there were some challenges, but you were so happy as you explored whether you wanted to let this fascinating person into your bed, your heart, and your bank account. You planned dates, you dressed to impress, and you opened up your vulnerabilities. You made that person your top priority, and they made you feel like the most important person on the planet. And the sex? It was hot, it was fun, and it was frequent. Yes indeed, you were really, really good at falling in love. Because novelty and biochemistry were on your side.

How’s that working out for you these days? If you are like most long-term couples, the thrill has waned. Well, it’s not your fault – biology isn’t doing you any favors. When you were pursuing your mate, there was a cocktail of lust hormones and pleasurable neurochemistry boogying though your body. And it made you crazy – the brain of someone falling in love mimics obsessive-compulsive disorder. So you literally couldn’t stop thinking about your beloved.

But in a hilarious plot twist, once you achieved your goal – essentially, you made a commitment – your system shifted from pursuit to contentment. Novelty faded, the prize was won, and cuddling and complacency replaced sizzle and surprise. Fast forward a few years and you may find yourself in what I call Marriage Incorporated. Together, you do a great job of running your family – the mortgage is paid, kids get to dance class on time, and you even squeeze in a week of vacation here and there. But it’s nothing like when you fell in love, is it? You may find you are friends more than lovers – roommates running a business – instead of that passionate duo you were when you started.

Is it possible to reignite passion and excitement? The answer is yes.

Extraordinary couples – that are deeply connected, playfully adventurous, wildly affectionate and sizzlingly sexy – are just like you. Except they make their love intentional.

Recently I spoke about intentional love and sex at one of Tony’s Platinum Partner events. One of the attendees stood up and asked the audience “how many of us have read at least 5 business books this year?” Almost every hand went up. “Okay,” he said. “How many of us have read at least five relationship and sex books this year?” About seven people put their hands up. He then issued a challenge: “Who is going to join me in committing to put the same energy into our love relationship that we do into our businesses?”

In business, in fitness, and even in your hobby, you don’t just sit around and wait for things to get better. So why do that in love? Research indicates that a strong romantic relationship is the biggest predictor of happiness, good health, and a long life. So stop taking your relationship, and your partner, for granted. Take action. Instead of waiting around for passion, become passion.

I teach couples that if they want an extraordinary relationship, they need to master what I call the three keys to passion. What are those?

1. Intimacy: Emotional closeness, communication, conflict management – the feeling that no one knows you better, or has your back more strongly, than your mate

2. Thrill: Excitement, attraction, adventure – the butterflies in the stomach, so glad to see you at the end of the day, “in love” feeling

3. Sensuality: Eroticism, cuddling, sex – the entire spectrum from kissing goodnight to holding hands, from making tender love to raw lustful passion

Now, I want you to rate your relationship. Great couples are strong in all three keys to passion – in other words, they have a balanced Passion Triangle. Currently, where are you strong and where are you weak? Perhaps you have lots of intimacy – closeness and communication – but the thrill is almost non-existent, and your sensual life is… well, not what it used to be. Or maybe you have lots of lust and adventure, but very little depth or real relationship skills – high sensuality and thrill, low intimacy. Sexy but superficial is unlikely to sustain you over the long term – without the relational glue of intimacy, you may burn out and start looking for someone new to light your fire.

But take heart. Passion is a teachable skill. It takes intention, effort, and action – but starting today, you can choose to make love a verb. You can choose to improve the weak areas of your passion triangle, one step at a time. Here is a tool I like to use to get you started. Exercise: Set daily relationship intentions

Most mornings, my beloved and I snuggle on the couch – he with his Ethiopian just-ground coffee, me with my first flush Darjeeling tea – and set a relationship intention for the day. For example – I might say, “Today my intention is to be careful with my tone of voice when I feel impatient. I aspire to speak in a warm, calm tone instead of a snappy, unpleasant one.” He might say, “Today my intention is to create a romantic moment for us this evening.” Then we sip our beverages, smile, and eventually seal the deal with a hug.

So here is your challenge: Most mornings, commit to spending five minutes with your partner. Silently think of a small or large relationship intention. Then share it. “I intend to read that article you sent me on how to apologize like a champion” or “I intend to take you on a spontaneous date tonight – be ready at 7 o’clock,” or “I intend to kiss you hello when you get home from work.”

Then, commit to spending two minutes at the end of the day reviewing your progress. How did you do? Did you turn your intentions into actions? Did you forget? Can you tweak your intentions to make them even more actionable?

Because falling in love is easy. But staying in love takes mindfulness. Luckily, tomorrow is a new day, and we can choose, once again, to make love intentional.

If you would like to see where your relationship status is at, you can take the Passion Quiz here.  FROM DR. CHERYL FRASER

Keys to passion in a relationship

Everyone wants passion in a relationship. They want to feel a connection and a sense of intimacy and adventure with their partner. But when you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, it’s natural to start asking yourself: How do I get the passion back in my relationship? What can I do to recover what we had? How can I maintain a bond with my partner if we have no passion in the relationship?

You don’t want to throw away everything you’ve worked so hard for – this is a person you love! So, how do you discover how to rekindle passion and restore what you once shared?

The three keys to passion

The three keys to passion are what creates a truly thrilling, exciting, loyal, trusting, passionate relationship: intimacy, thrill and sensuality. If you’re wondering “How do I get the passion back in my relationship?,” you’re missing one or more of these pillars.

Intimacy is the friendship aspect – the emotional closeness, the feeling that you can tell your partner anything and they will still love you. Maybe you live comfortably with your partner, but you’re missing a sense of deep emotional involvement. The relationship is okay – and that’s it. Learning how to get back the intimacy in a relationship is all about communication.

The second key to passion is thrill – the excitement, butterflies and “can’t-wait-to-see-you” feelings we get at the beginning of a relationship. It may seem like this naturally dwindles in every relationship over time but it doesn’t have to. You can rekindle passion and feel thrilled just to be with your partner.

The third key is sensuality – the physical touch, from holding hands to making love, and all the little things in between. This is the most common piece that falls by the wayside in long-term relationships: You just quit putting in the effort you used to because you’re so busy with your career, kids and other obligations. It’s hard to get in the mood when you’re stressed and exhausted.

How do I get the passion back in my relationship?

You can rebuild the pillars of your relationship and discover a passion that’s even deeper than when you first began dating. You just have to decide that is what you really want.

1. Remember what you have together

Remember when you and your partner first met? When you were first together, you always gave it your all because your partner’s love woke you up to the gift of life. You worked hard to come up with creative ideas for dates and conversations, and you strove to show the very best of you no matter the circumstances. You consistently came up with effective new ways to make your partner feel loved, unique and cherished.

When did that stop and why? What is passion in a relationship if it’s not ongoing?

You initially achieved love and happiness because you were fully, unquestionably committed to meeting your partner’s needs. You were feeling a deep level of joy and fulfillment despite all that work, because your extraordinary devotion made your partner happy and you were building a lasting connection. Those powerful positive emotions you felt were reflected back to your partner and that sharing made them even more positive.

If you need to rekindle passion in a relationship, it means you’ve lost the devotion and energy that was initially there and negative emotions are starting to replace positive ones. And when you start thinking negatively about your partner, you inevitably turn away from them physically and emotionally.

Creating the relationship you want and deserve depends on your level of commitment to a desired outcome. Long-term relationships don’t just happen. They take focus and dedication, but when you prioritize your partner over everything else, it’s much easier to answer the question, “How do I get the passion back in my relationship?”

2. Recommit to your relationship

If the relationship is worth committing to, you need to take risks and make sacrifices to provide elements of uncertainty and passion. Go back to the question of what you would do for the one you loved. Anything, right? If you’ve mastered yourself and you’ve achieved clarity in – and focus on – your outcomes, what’s stopping you from meeting them? What’s stopping you from doing everything possible to make your partner happy and figuring out how to get passion back in your relationship?

If you haven’t committed and you’re weighing your options, your relationship is dying. What do you truly want? What is it that you’re after? If you’ve achieved that level of personal mastery and you’re focused, you must commit. Commit to working through conflict and communicating openly with your partner. Commit to meeting their needs and to creating joy in your relationship. Commit to changing and addressing no passion in your relationship today.

What risks have you been avoiding in your relationship? How have you put yourself out there? What have you given or added to the relationship?

Experiment with ways of giving. Be creative and see what your partner responds to. When you see patterns, think about what those things have in common and give your partner more. Don’t give up if you try something that doesn’t work; trial and error is part of the process and being flexible will lead to a resurgence of passion. Just keep watching and talking to your partner and learn as much from your failures as you do from your successes. Indeed, it’s only a failure if you failed to learn

3. Focus on yourself

Do you have clarity on what you want? With clarity comes focus, and once you have focus your brain will home in like a missile. But clarity and focus depend on your state. Before you can think of addressing a lack of passion in a relationship, you must master yourself.

The first level focuses on explicit Cognitive Understanding of what you want. You get it – you know what you’re after. At the second level, you achieve Emotional Mastery, where you start to feel an emotional pull that drives you toward your outcomes.

The third level is Physical Mastery. Everyone wants to be here first, but you cannot achieve physical mastery without mastering the first two levels. Cognitive and Emotional Mastery allow you to focus on what you need to do, what works and what doesn’t. It clarifies your emotional commitment. Now you own it, and you’re applying your knowledge consistently and persistently until it becomes muscle memory, a physical pattern or habit.

For example, let’s say that you recognize your tendency to withdraw physically and emotionally from your partner when there’s trouble or conflict and you recognize that this tendency leads to a loss of passion in your relationships. You won’t be able to stop this pattern until you commit to conditioning a new response. One of the 10 cardinal rules of love is to never get stuck in repetitive patterns because they lead to lack of passion in a relationship. You must find a way to interrupt the pattern and create new outcomes.

This may sound like a lot of work, but what would you do for the love of your life? Anything.

What limiting beliefs are keeping you from feeling and expressing passion to your partner? Is your fear of rejection or failure? Which defense mechanisms do you display when you feel threatened and how do they destroy passion in your relationship?

When you can answer these questions and commit to instituting new responses, you’ve mastered yourself. You’re figured out how to bring passion back into a relationship and can now focus on creating the joyful partnership you crave.

4. Transform your perspective

Even the happiest relationships face problems and diminished passion is not always an indication that a relationship is over. Learn to view problems as opportunities to grow, improve and evolve the relationship. Problems can be roadmaps that show us how to repair a broken relationship. Learn to see challenges in your relationship for what they are, and respond to them with purpose, an open mind and a sense of humor rather than fear.

Lack of passion in a relationship can often be the result of mishandling confrontation. When a conflict between you and your partner comes up, cope with the issue right away without blowing it out of proportion. Look at the issue from your partner’s perspective and be empathetic. Don’t jump to conclusions and always give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Learning how to get back the intimacy in a relationship means forming trust and understanding instead of getting upset and always focus on being supportive to your partner – especially during stressful times. Show your partner that you can listen and remind them why they trusted you with their feelings in the first place.

If your relationship is under pressure and you’re experiencing stress, anxiety and difficulty, you are in a defining moment. You have the chance to prove to your partner that they can trust you even when things are bad – even when it would be easier for you to take care of your own needs. Never waste an opportunity to show you will take care of the person you love.

5. Improve your communication

Do you want to feel that passion like you did on the first day you met? You may be ready to listen and give, but how do you know what it is that your partner wants? How does your partner best understand what you’re trying to give? When addressing lack of passion in a relationship, you must get clear on what it is your partner truly needs from you – even if they don’t know how to communicate it.

Most of us have a perceptual bias in the way we communicate. Is your partner more of an auditory person who likes to talk and listen? Or are they more receptive to visual input, preferring lots of eye contact or seeing your words put into action? Perhaps your partner prefers kinesthetic communication or the stimulus of touch and needs to have physical reassurance on top of verbal communication. An inability to speak their “love language” might explain why there is no passion in your relationship.

Pay attention to your partner’s communication cues. If you know their perceptual bias, you can adjust your communication style to work in tandem with theirs and ultimately find out how to make passion grow. By being sensitive to each other’s biases, you will both get more of the excitement and affection you want.

6. Understand the Six Human Needs

Once you’re on the same page as your partner, you can work to better understand how to get back the intimacy in a relationship. These manifest in as many ways as there are people, but they all come back to six fundamental human needs.

The first human need is certainty, the need to be comfortable, enjoy pleasure and avoid pain. A person with masculine energy can meet the certainty need by being emotionally present, open and honest for their feminine energy partners, even when they are upset. Someone with feminine energy can meet this need by showing their masculine energy partners that their love is unconditional – not just saying so, but being present and refraining from withdrawing even when things go wrong. Little to no passion in a relationship is often the result of uncertainty – but not the beneficial type of uncertainty.

Uncertainty is the second human need, because we can exercise and demonstrate our physical and emotional range only when challenges and variety are present. Each relationship has masculine and feminine energy (we’ll dive into that more later). Masculine-energized partners can meet this need by initiating surprise dates or token gifts with their feminine partners. Feminine partners can meet this need by being more provocative and surprising. Lack of passion in a relationship can sometimes be the result of boredom, so injecting a little uncertainty into romantic encounters can shake up the routine and reignite passion.

The third is to feel significant, needed, special and wanted. Anyone can meet this need by thinking of different ways they can show their partner how important they are. What small thing can you do today, this week or this month to show your partner that there is no one else on Earth who could take their place? What can you do to show how grateful you are for their love? How can you show them their uniqueness is appreciated? When you focus on being your partner’s number one fan, learning how to bring passion back into a relationship becomes much easier.

Fourth is love and connection with others. You can best meet this need for your partner by understanding how they experience the world and how they prefer to receive love. If your partner is very visual, they will love it if you gaze into their eyes or wear their favorite clothes; if your partner loves thoughtful gestures, even a small gift will mean the world to them.

The fifth human need is growth, because without emotional, intellectual and spiritual development we cannot rise to our potential. This is true of individuals, but it’s just as true for relationships. If you’re not growing, you’re dying. Put in the work that it takes to understand each other and find innovative ways to make things work for both of you to address lack of passion in your relationship.

Finally, the sixth need is contribution and giving. Giving is the secret to wealth and fulfillment. What would you do to make the person you love happy? Would you expect something in return or is seeing them in a beautiful state enough? When we give without expectation and focus on appreciation, we give passion a place to flourish.

7. Unleash the power of polarity

Is your partner holding back, forcing you to initiate every time? Or is your partner the one who takes action? It’s okay if either one is the case – in fact, it’s natural and it does not necessarily lead to a lack of passion in a relationship. You and your partner are different, but herein lies the beauty – the power of polarity. In any successful relationship, there’s a person with masculine energy and one with feminine energy. These energies don’t necessarily correspond to gender.

You may believe that common interests are what bring people together, and sometimes that is true. While common values and goals are important to the success of a relationship, common needs and personalities are not. Although having things in common with your partner is wonderful, opposites really do attract and restoring passion in a relationship hinges on these differences.

Do you remember how attracted to your partner’s natural energy you were when you first met? You never had to wonder, “How do I get the passion back in my relationship?” Is it really that hard to go back to that state? Your natural energies already work together in amazing ways, so there is no sense hiding, denying or suppressing your real selves. Appreciate both the masculine and feminine energies and understand they need each other to thrive.

Explore your natural polarity with your partner. You don’t need a clone – you need an invigorating, exciting life partner who challenges and excites you. You want and need your partner to stimulate you in new ways that are unavailable to you without them. They want you to do the same thing for them, so you owe it to yourself and your partner to be your authentic self.

8. Build a five-stage plan

Because trust is critical to restoring passion, you need some effective strategies for increasing it. So how do you start building trust again when you feel you’ve lost it? Here’s a 5-stage plan that works.  Stage One

Commit to putting your partner’s needs first and declare that absolute commitment to your partner. Say this: “I love you no matter what, regardless of what we’re talking about now or ever.”  Stage Two

Create heartfelt emotion for your partner so you can both heal and feel loved; stop, breathe deeply, hold each other and connect. Stay here until you eclipse negative feelings with love and gratitude.  Stage Three

Share your true feelings and listen to your partner’s thoughts carefully, without judging, correcting or fixing. Accept their feedback and respond with love. When communicating, make sure you utilize all of the important verbs that make up the language of love such as to give, receive and play.  Stage Four

If you don’t see the signs of a passionate relationship, you may not have enough shared interests, experiences and goals. Align your needs with your partner’s so you can connect with a common vision for your relationship and future together.  Stage Five

Always end any tough conversations with some act of love, such as a hug, a promise or a kiss. If you can’t do this, you need to repeat each of the previous stages until you are able to feel at peace with each other.

Passion does not happen on its own. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that if passionate actions are not spontaneous, they don’t count. Life is busy, and you need to plan for passion to ensure it’s not lost. This can include learning about and exploring new ways of being intimate and scheduling date nights to ensure you can ignite passion in various ways.

The longer you are with your partner, the easier it is to let other parts of life take over. If you wait for spontaneous desire to overtake you, you may be waiting a long time. Restoring passion is more about working together and committing to a plan than it is about the type of all-consuming passion you had when you first met.

9. Ask for help if you need it

If you’re struggling with how to get the passion back in your relationship, consider finding a mentor to help advance your sex education. A mentor can be a couple’s therapist or counselor you meet with in person, or a coach you learn from virtually. You can even consider an informative book or online course to be a passion mentor. World-renowned sex expert Jaiya Ma notes that a mentor can teach you about the 5 Erotic Blueprint Types (energetic, sensual, sexual, kinky and shapeshifter) and help you discover what type you and your partner are. They can also help you find new ways to express passion in a relationship and learn how to communicate better to enhance your connection.

If you want a relationship full of passion and love, what are you willing to do for it? Answering the question “How do I get the passion back in my relationship?” depends on giving as much or more than you want to receive mentally, emotionally and spiritually to your partner.

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How can you tell when a relationship loses its spark?

When you’re with someone for many years, your relationship will naturally go through phases. You’ll encounter relationship stressors like financial problems and family obligations that will shift your focus elsewhere – but you’ll know when you’ve really lost the spark in a relationship by these signs.

There’s no physical touch: Intimacy is the difference between a friend and a partner, and it doesn’t always mean sex. Holding hands, cuddling, warm hugs and giving compliments are all a part of intimacy, and the spark in a relationship depends on them.

You don’t “date” anymore: Life gets busy for every couple, yet making time to go out and have fun together must be a priority. If you’ve stopped celebrating anniversaries and birthdays or having date nights, it’s time to rekindle the spark.

You’ve stopped making an effort: Physical appearances change – you’re bound to get older or even gain a little weight over the long-term. But if you aren’t even interested in looking good and feeling healthy for your partner, that’s a sign of trouble.

You’re less interested in spending time together: When a relationship loses its spark, you may spend more time with your friends than your partner. You may even find that you’re very easily annoyed by them, causing you to punish your partner or avoid each other altogether.

Is it normal to lose the spark in your relationship?

Yes, it’s common for long-term couples to start wondering how to keep a relationship alive. It isn’t the loss of the spark in a relationship that is the problem – the problem arises when couples lack the commitment to rekindle the romance. Unfortunately, this loss of passion and intimacy is often accepted in our society as inevitable. That’s another myth. You never have to accept a relationship in which you feel anything less than loved, admired and wanted. Reasons for losing the spark in a relationship

Couples will cite countless reasons for their fire dying. Usually, these reasons center around not having enough time to spend together and slowly losing that connection they both treasured. That might be because of long distance, seemingly incompatible work schedules or growing responsibilities like dealing with children and their needs. What might have been a temporary state of disconnection unconsciously becomes habit. The priority for spending time together shifts from “tomorrow” or “next week” to “when things are settled” and eventually fades into “never.”

Less time together eventually leads to a loss of intimacy, which manifests as a loss of attraction. The loss of attraction leads to decreased communication between partners, starting a cycle of negativity that becomes one of frustration and further distance. You stop being gentle and loving with each other and start treating each other as roommates.

There’s no way to stay connected and intimate when you see each other only in passing as you handle all of life’s other obligations. You must refocus and recommit if you want to learn how to keep the spark alive. How to keep a relationship alive

Learning how to keep the spark alive is possible. It takes more than just scheduling a date or two to make real, lasting change in a relationship. When both you and your partner are committed to reigniting the spark in a relationship, you’ll find that anything is possible.

1. Create

You have to create what you want, not just hope it will happen or rely on your partner to put in the work. To be a good partner you need to be emotionally fit and shift from wanting something to doing something. Think back to the start of your relationship: you were willing to do whatever it takes to make that person happy. What are you willing to do now? You can’t just expect something to change without your input.

how to bring the spark back in a relationship

2. Talk with your partner

When was the last time you really talked with your partner? To keep the spark alive, communication is a must. Talking doesn’t just mean chatting for a few minutes before falling asleep. It means making plans about your future, understanding your partner’s love language and finding out what’s on the other’s mind. It means sharing a real, emotional connection with your loved one and seeing things from their point of view.

Research shows you need to have five times as many positive communications as negative ones to have a good relationship, particularly if you want an intimate one. It’s easy to see the negative impact of people feeling shut down and shut out of their intimate partner’s sphere. If you’re wondering how to bring the spark back in a relationship, you must make good communication a top priority.

3. Grow

What we’re attracted to in others is oftentimes another part of ourselves that we’re not activating. Then, we get resentful because those qualities are being shut down and stifled in the other person as communication deteriorates, which comes through as frustration with the relationship.

Relationships can grow stale when routine and habit set in – and growth is the key to how to keep a relationship alive. Vow to learn something new together, take a vacation to somewhere neither of you have ever been or find an activity you can experience together. To grow together instead of growing apart, you have to be willing to stretch yourselves both individually and as a couple.

4. Plan surprises

It sounds counterintuitive, but planning for spontaneity can make a huge difference for partners – especially when it comes to how to keep the spark alive. Planning a surprise date is a great way to break out of your rut and show your partner you’re thinking of them. Block off time on your partner’s calendar but don’t say what you’ll be doing. Then spend quality time doing something you both enjoy, whether that’s going for a beverage or dinner, seeing a show, taking a walk, going on a weekend getaway or even something like getting popcorn and drinks for a fun movie night at home. Your partner will see that you care enough to make time for them and you’ll remember the reasons that you got into this relationship in the first place.

how to bring the spark back in a relationship

5. Stop living old stories

When a relationship loses its spark due to an event like infidelity, or when trust has been lost for another reason, each partner will need to make a choice to consciously move forward. This means truly forgiving them and letting go of whatever old disappointments you’re clinging to. This moment is the only thing that’s real and embracing forgiveness for all those who have wronged you in the past – especially your partner – is the only way to truly step into our present.

Don’t filter your partner through a past story. That’s old news and it’s over. Instead, think about what will make that person feel loved and seen in this moment. When you release the past, you can love your partner for who they really are and discover how to keep a relationship alive in a new context.

6. Give

As Tony says, “The secret to living is giving,” and this certainly applies to relationships. Giving shows that you’re making your partner a priority and is a vital key to keep the spark alive. Remember, if you contribute nothing, you get nothing. If you get nothing, it’s likely that you feel insignificant and unloved. Instead, think about what you can give to your partner to make them feel filled and seen, and understand that they are your top priority. Go farther than your partner expects and you’ll be each other’s own #1 fan.

Create surprises and opportunities for connection, not roadblocks. When you recreate how you acted at the beginning of your relationship, you can easily learn how to keep a relationship alive and ensure it’s one of the most fulfilling parts of your life.

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What is the Erotic Blueprint?

advertisement Jaiya created the Erotic Blueprint framework to help you discover your personal map of sexual arousal and how you can understand yourself and your partner on a deeper level than ever before. The five Erotic Blueprints are the ultimate language of connection, passion and sexual satisfaction:

Energetic: Enjoys anticipation and tease and is aroused by energy over touch.

Sensual: Aroused by the senses, including sound, taste, smell and touch.

Sexual: Aroused by sex itself; this type thinks of sex as old-fashioned fun. Kinky: Aroused by things that are taboo to them, but this can come with shame.

Shapeshifter: Adventurous and creative; aroused by all of the above

Great sex isn’t just about being able to communicate what you need, it’s about speaking the same language as your partner, and learning how to honor and fulfill their needs. This is the path to connection. And it’s the way to opening up new possibilities for seduction, enticement and a deeper level of intimacy than you’ve ever experienced before.

Tony often talks about trading your expectations for appreciation, and Jaiya echoes these thoughts. She says that connection must start with appreciation of all that your partner has done for you. “Don’t come from a place of lack, that they need to change or you need to change,” she says. Enjoying the journey

Jaiya also says, “We get so fixated on the goal we forget the journey.” This applies to our relationships in general, but also to each sexual encounter. Especially for long-term couples, life often tends to get in the way – and we can find ourselves in sexless marriages. Keeping the spark alive is no longer effortless, but we can still plan for passion. Remember that there is an artistry, to both your relationship and your sex life, and it takes time to explore and expand into new territory.

What do you know about pleasure?

How many books have you read on business? On personal growth? Chances are – many. Now, how many books have your read on sex and erotic passion? Not as many? You’re not alone.

If you’ve ever read Napoleon Hill’s classic Think and Grow Rich, then you are familiar with the importance of your sexuality in awakening latent genius. Consciously understanding how to cultivate and utilize sexual energy is key to any type of success; when you are unconscious of how you’re using your sexual energy, it can end in a lot of unpleasant situations, not to mention that increasing your sexual awareness can lead to deeper connection and fulfillment in your romantic life.

So why haven’t you given yourself an education in sexuality and erotic pleasure?

Sure, many people have had plenty of formal sex education. But what did your culture teach you about sex and pleasure? About your identity and what you should or shouldn’t like or do? How great a job did your school do at teaching you what you like, or what others might like? What did your parents teach you (hint: even their silence taught you something)? What did romantic movies teach you? What did your religion teach you? Your peers?

Many of us may have been taught to suppress our desires and avoid erotic pleasure. This could have been in an effort to keep us safe growing up, because of religious reasons or simply because our parents didn’t know how to talk to us about sex. Unfortunately, this suppression may have led to limiting beliefs about erotic passion and that exploring sexuality was wrong or shameful.

Still, whether you’ve learned about sex through your culture, education or conversations with your family, you’ve had sex education – but how much do you understand about your sexuality? Understand what a great sex education is

Great sex education doesn’t shame you; it doesn’t shame other people, either. Learning about erotic pleasure helps you to make great choices, to honor yourself and others and to create the freedom to explore and experiment safely.

A great sex education leads to great sex, a better understanding of yourself and a deeper connection with your partner. Because when you know your body, you can communicate what you like – and thus increase satisfaction. And when you know a partner’s body, you have more confidence that you can please them, which ultimately deepens the bond you share.

Also, when you understand who you are erotically, you avoid feeling broken and you know what will turn you on. When you have clear boundaries and can communicate them with a partner, you keep yourself safe emotionally and physically. When you don’t have shame, you are freer to be who you are: someone who is sexually gratified, cultivates erotic passion and gets deeper joy and pleasure out of life. And when you are enjoying sex at this level, you have richer, more satisfying relationships and connections, which equates to more success in this world. Find a mentor to help you learn about erotic passion

Who you seek as a mentor for advancing your sex education is very important. There are a lot of great sexuality educators out there, but I’ve also seen mentors who shame people or give poor advice.

A fantastic mentor can teach you not only the geeky educational materials but can also create transformation in your life when it comes to erotic pleasure. They can help you find your sexual style and understand what it takes to build a lasting, fulfilling bond with a partner. Make sure to do your research and to seek out the best.

Get a comprehensive education and be sure to implement what you learn. Information alone does not equal transformation in this area, you must take what you learn and put it into action.

Mastering any skill comes from learning and implementing distinctions, and this is especially true when it comes to your new sexual education. A great place to begin mastering distinctions about what turns you on is mastering the Erotic Blueprints™.

The 5 erotic blueprints

Understanding each Erotic Blueprint Type is like getting the secret decoder ring to becoming a sex life superhero and claiming your own satisfaction and fulfillment.

Here is a quick look at the 5 Erotic Blueprint Types:

Erotic blueprint #1: Energetic

Aroused by space, anticipation and tease. They are very sensitive and need time to assimilate to sexual touch; too much too fast turns them off. If you enjoy a lot of foreplay and like to experiment with different toys, massage oils and other props, you probably have this blueprint.

Erotic blueprint #2: Sensual

Aroused by sensation: touch, sound, taste, smell, etc. They bring beauty, comfort and whole-body sensuality to a sexual encounter. Their biggest turn off is being stuck in their head and living in tension. A Sensual Type needs to be relaxed to open to sexual connection and turn-on. If you need to create the right environment to be turned on and get excited when the right lighting, music and smells are present, this might your blueprint.

Erotic blueprint #3: Sexual

Aroused by the simple act of intercourse. Sex is fun and they use sex to relax. Those with this sexual style are ready to get down to business whenever there’s time or a willing partner. However, they can get stuck in a limited view of sexuality and can be goal-oriented.

Erotic blueprint #4: Kinky

This type is aroused by the taboo. But they oftentimes have deep shame about their taboo desires and, if they don’t have a supportive partner who deeply listens to their needs, they can suppress their type and become distant or develop self-esteem issues.

Erotic blueprint #5: Shapeshifter

Aroused by all of the above. They are endlessly creative but need a partner who is also equally adventurous. Sometimes they shift to be what others want them to be instead of owning their own sexuality, needs and desires. Shapeshifter types often have to take time to reconnect with themselves so they can be more authentic and vocal in their sexual preferences.

Empower yourself and discover how to feed, speak, heal and expand your own and your partner’s Erotic Blueprint. This new type of sexual education can help you expand the erotic passion you feel in your relationship and be a key tool in unlocking an extraordinary life. How will you use your new knowledge about the sexual blueprint types to create a deeper connection with yourself and your partner?

As Tony says, the first step to transformation is to “take massive action,” so go out there, get some great mentorship, get fully authentic with yourself and your partner and learn how to speak each other’s Erotic Blueprints! That’s the path to more erotic pleasure, more desire and more intimacy in your relationship.

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It’s easy to take our partners for granted. Especially when we have been in the relationship for a while. We get comfortable, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, because that can breed intimacy. But when comfortable means we get lazy, short or even harsh, it has the cumulative effect of making our partner feel unappreciated and even unloved.

This year, when speaking with your partner, start to watch your tone of voice. Take note of how gentle you are. How much care and love do you feel you are conveying?

In his book, “The Relationship Cure,” renowned relationship psychologist Dr. Gottman reveals that when it comes to assessing the meaning of what their partners are saying, only 7% of that meaning comes from the spoken word, while 38% comes from tone of voice and speech patterns. Words that may seem neutral can become incendiary if spoken with a sarcastic, demeaning, or contemptuous tone of voice, causing the listener to feel hurt and disrespected.

But while we’ve always known that tone of voice is an important part of clear communication, just how critical are things like vocal inflection, volume and pitch when it comes to the health of your relationship? According to a study that examined hundreds of conversations from over 100 couples during marriage therapy sessions — your tone of voice may be a key indicator of your marital success.

Another area to start taking note of in your relationship is how you frame and deliver your thoughts and feelings to your partner. Arguments about housework, priorities and money are inevitable, but this is exactly why choosing the right words during an argument is so important.

Even when you have the best of intentions, what you say can escalate into a full-blown fight and really hurt the one you love. And one of the most common mistakes those in a relationship make with their language is the use of “you-statements.”

“You-statements” are phrases that begin with the pronoun “you” and imply that the listener is responsible for something. They show no ownership of emotions, but rather, blame, accuse and assume the receiver. This type of statement is more likely to make your partner feel defensive and resentful, and he or she will be less likely to want to make peace.

“I-statements,” on the other hand, force us to take responsibility for what we are thinking and feeling, and prevents us from blaming our partners. With “I-statements,” we can still be assertive, but find a less hostile, more compassionate way to communicate.

So how do you turn a “you-statement” into an “I-statement?” First, remember that the point of an “I-statement” is to express how you feel inside. A true “I-statement” uses specific emotions such as “I feel…” joyful, anxious, lonely, resentful, angry, calm, embarrassed, fearful, etc.

Avoid words that may seem like emotions, but really imply the action of your partner: “I feel…ignored, annoyed, pissed off, mistreated, manipulated, controlled, cheated, abandoned, etc.”

It is also a common misperception that you can tack on the words “I feel” in front of a statement. For example, “I feel like you are taking me for granted.” That is just a “you-statement” in disguise. It implies blame. And there is no actual emotion being expressed.

Lastly, make it a point to care for your partner by trying to see his or her point of view.

We tend to think that the way we view the world is the way the world really is. And when our partners disagree with us, it’s easy to think that they are the ones who are misinformed or have a distorted perception of reality. How else could they see things so differently?

But failing to understand that each individual is entitled to his or her own point of view is failing to appreciate what makes the other person who they really are. After all, you both are two unique individuals, with two unique backgrounds and life experiences that help form two unique perspectives. And those perspectives should be respected and valued.

Learning not only to recognize, but to appreciate your partner’s perspective may be challenging at times. But with discipline, practice and emotional maturity, you will be able to find new ways of understanding your partner’s point of view. And by doing so, you will not only find that you can enrich your vision of reality, but that you can create a new level of intimacy in your relationship.

Did you know that 96% of all companies fail over a ten-year period? And that 40-50% of all first marriages in the United States end in divorce? Why? The reason is the same for both –– they stop marketing and innovating.

Consider this. In business, companies use marketing in order to get potential clients to want to do business with them. Likewise, they use innovation to find a way to meet the needs of the customer better than anyone else. In relationships, it’s the same.

You must continuously market and innovate with your partner.

You marketed yourself in the beginning of the relationship, putting your best face forward in order to capture the attention of the potential ‘customer.’ You also innovated by spending time thinking about what that person would like and how to make them happier then they’ve ever been.

If you want your relationship to be extraordinary then your job is to unleash every resource you have to light this human being up and make them your raving fan. Get addicted to lighting them up. Get addicted to giving them pleasure!

Think about what you did in the beginning of your relationship in order to meet the needs of your lover and get them to want to be with you. Are you still doing those things?

If you do what you did in the beginning of the relationship there won’t be an end.

Extraordinary, loving, intimate relationships don’t die for lack of love; they die from lack of intimacy. If you continue to market yourself and to innovate to meet your partner’s needs, you’ll avoid losing that precious connection that you fought so hard to obtain.

The strongest relationships have polarity: opposing masculine and feminine energies that compliment each other. When the needs of either person aren’t being met, that person will put on a “mask” of the opposing energy and close off from their partner. But when polarity in relationships is fully embraced, a beautiful connection is created.

Masculine and feminine energies each have three key needs that must be met. Feminine energies need to feel seen – they want you to be present with them and appreciate them. They need to feel understood, through listening and validation. And they need to feel safe, both physically and emotionally.

Masculine energies need to feel appreciated, through praise and celebration. They need to feel free, not micromanaged or controlled. And they need to feel opened up to – so share your emotions and affection freely.

Communication in relationships is about first fulfilling your partner’s needs. When you do that, they will be more open to communicating and connecting with you to create the relationship you both desire.

5. Determine if your partner’s needs are being met

There is one surefire way to know if your partner is getting their needs met in your relationship: ask the right questions and then deeply listen to the answers. Reflect on what your partner says, and if you’re not sure what he or she means, then ask by restating their point and asking if you understand correctly. The key to how to communicate in a relationship is often not in the actual verbal communication at all – it’s in the way we listen to our partner.

Your partner may be communicating exactly what the problem is, but if you’re not listening, you’ll miss it. Resist the pull of just waiting for your partner to finish what they’re saying so you can launch into your “turn.” That isn’t listening, it’s waiting to talk. Instead, listen with a calm, open mind and really hear what they are saying to you. This will not only help you learn how to communicate better, but will also enable you to connect with your partner on a deeper level.

6. Be honest and open

Being honest and open is at the top of the list for how to improve communication in a relationship. Say what you mean, and make your feelings and your needs clear. Retreating from conflict seems deceptively safe and comfortable, but it’s no substitute for trust in a relationship and it will never help you learn how to communicate better. Walking away from an argument is a temporary way to deal with an ongoing communication issue and must only be done to achieve a brief cooling-down period. When you disagree with your partner, you must be able to trust that what you say will be heard and respected, and so does your partner.

If you or your partner (or both of you) is averse to conflict, you can find yourselves burying your emotions to please each other and avoid problems. This temporary peacekeeping band-aid turns a two-way relationship into a one-way street, and that’s not a sustainable outcome. The happiness and intimacy you used to share will gradually erode, and it will take the relationship with it. Instead of ignoring issues, it’s crucial that you both learn how to communicate better with each other.

7. Be present in your relationship

To improve communication in relationships and truly understand what your partner is telling you, be present. Put time aside and dedicate yourself 100% to communicating with your partner. They must truly feel that they have your full attention and that they are your number one priority.

It’s difficult to listen and be fully present, aware and mindful when you’re angry and stressed or are working on things that take time away from your relationship. This is a part of life, but it’s important to realize that it’s not an excuse for neglecting communication in relationships. Remember that intimacy, love and trust are built when times are hard, not when they’re easy. If we gave up at every sign of resistance, we would never progress and evolve. Seize these opportunities to learn how to deal with conflict and stress in a healthy manner and watch as you grow and flourish with your partner.

8. Let things go

Resist letting a discussion about what’s happening now devolve into a rehash of every wrong that has ever happened between you and your partner. This is the opposite of loving and effective communication in relationships. Instead, assess the present situation and identify what you can do at this moment. Pause and remember why you’re here, and remember that your goal, the outcome that you value, is to strengthen your relationship, build intimacy and learn how to communicate better. There’s absolutely nothing either of you can do about the past right now, so let it go.

How to communicate better is about more than saying the right things. Also be aware of your body language. You could offer all the loving and supportive words in the world to your partner, but if your arms are crossed over your chest and you have a scowl on your face, your partner is unlikely to respond favorably. How to communicate in a relationship means listening, loving and supporting with your whole being. Lean toward your partner, keep your face relaxed and open and touch them in a gentle manner. Show them through all your words, actions and expressions that you love them even if you are in conflict.

9. Break negative patterns

You know what your partner needs and have thought about their preferred communication style, but there’s something else that affects communication in relationships: how you’re speaking. Experts on communication break down the way we talk into pitch, pace, volume and timbre. The next time you’re in a disagreement with your partner, be mindful and make conscious efforts to modulate these aspects of your voice.

A voice that is overly high-pitched sounds defensive and immature. Also, if you end a sentence with a higher pitch, it sounds like a question; don’t do this unless you’re actually asking a question, or you risk instilling doubt in your partner.

Pace just means how fast you’re talking. Take a deep breath and slow down – especially when you’re disagreeing. Speak calmly and clearly to get your message across.

Pay attention to volume, especially volume “creep,” and avoid competing to be heard – competition only leads to shouting and miscommunication. Being louder won’t help you communicate with your partner. If your partner is speaking, listen.

Timbre refers to your voice’s emotional quality, attitude and tone. Pay careful attention to this, and watch for red flag timbres like sarcasm that can erode communication in relationships and cause distrust between partners.

When things do get out of hand, break the pattern: Be playful and use humor in a way that keeps the conversation flowing in the right direction. Injecting humor into the situation can make it feel less dire and can yield amazing results for the two of you. That’s because humor helps you regain perspective and balance; it is an essential component of healthy communication in relationships. It also relieves stress and improves your physical happiness in your everyday life. The biggest benefit to laughing in this context is that it reminds you that you love just being together with your partner. It reminds you that you can enjoy your time together, even when things seem challenging.

When learning how to communicate in a relationship, it’s important to break the pattern of hostility, hurt and retreat. For example, when you catch yourself raising your voice or being sarcastic, change your tone. If you’re using “you” repeatedly and blaming your partner, switch to “I” and “me,” or better yet, “we.” There’s no point in offloading all your relationship’s issues on to your partner. There are two people in every relationship, so don’t shift the blame to be entirely on their shoulders.

Breaking the pattern is a powerful way of reframing the discussion and bringing it back to a level where you can get to what matters. Communication in relationships is all about what your partner’s needs are, what your needs are and how you can both feel fulfilled from your relationship.

10. Start over

Sometimes no matter how much you want to improve communication in a relationship, an argument happens. This is when it’s most essential to be aware of your negative patterns and start over before they become destructive.

Tony often shares an incredible story about Mikhail Gorbachev and Ronald Reagan that speaks to the power of patterns. If you were born before the mid-80s, you remember the Cold War. It was a defining period of world history when two superpowers, with opposite ideologies – i.e., differences in values – confronted each other in a tense political conflict that could, at any point, tip toward war. It was not a productive relationship and in the late-80s the leaders of the two powers met in a series of talks that would forever shape the course of human history.

But, the story of how Reagan, president of the United States, and Gorbachev, leader of the Soviet Union, resolved the conflict did not start as well as you might think. Gorbachev and Reagan found themselves in the middle of a heated discussion on the merits and demerits of capitalism and communism. Like any discussion on politics, it was going nowhere and neither leader was sure how to communicate better with the other.

Tony had the pleasure of speaking to both Reagan and Gorbachev years after and he asked them, “What was the moment you decided for peace?” Gorbachev related that, in the middle of the argument, Reagan stood and walked away, only to suddenly turn and exclaim, “Okay, let’s try this again. I’m Ronald!” If Reagan and Gorbachev can start over after so much animosity, there’s hope for communication in your relationship, too.

Always remember that you are together because you make each other smile. Problems are obstacles that need surmounting, and while it’s easy to give up, the truth is that these are the moments that will define your relationship. Listen to your partner, discover the needs they value the most and fulfill them. When you understand that giving is the secret to a fulfilling relationship, you’ll put constant work into how to communicate with your partner in a way they can understand.