It's been a really insane past few days.

As I mentioned in my previously unfinished post, the holidays are an extensively crazy time in my household. However, the past few days have been more hellish to say the least. I don't want to sound like some form of curmudgeon (seriously), but it's been tough dealing with the issues that are happening around me, from business to plumbing issues to a blizzard here in the Northeast where I am currently. The activity is nonstop, and to be very honest I'm glad I took some time yesterday to be able to reset and get done the things that I need to do rather than devote my really precious time to other things. I'm not trying to sound condescending here, but I really do have a lot going on (as do others who need help, but two things can be true).

I haven't written at all the past few days and I realized that I need to be more mindful to do so. My mind is somewhat like a pressure cooker: things happen around me, I get these insane inner thoughts that circulate in my head, and I need to find a release. Writing, exercise, cooking, being with family and friends, and other aspects of life that are non-stress inducing are my pressure cooker release valve, whereas things like work, bad weather (honestly!), and other shitty aspects of life add to the pressure. I thought about creating and releasing an audio program called Pressure Cooker where I would just speak what's on my mind and release it unfiltered. It might be a good idea. Let's see.

The thing about a pressure cooker is that it is actually useful for something: it makes food. It uses high amounts of force, it has a mechanism to release that force if it builds up too much, and out comes delicious sustainance that we can gratefully consume to live. We need the end result of its actions. But like everything in life, there are negatives to it's existence (look up the connection between the Boston Marathon and pressure cookers to see what I'm talking about): the thing that can allow people to have life also is the same thing that can take it away. Same with knives, same with water. There are always two sides to every story.

As such, in my mind, there are two sides to the coin. The first side is that I have these thoughts in my head, and I have this wonderful gift to be able to receive these thoughts from the environment I interact with. I can play with ideas, turn them over, twist them, and see what comes out. The other side is that when bad things happen, I get really deep, dark, bad thoughts. I mean REALLY dark.

I know what happens to people with dark thoughts. Turn on the news any one of these days and you'll see what I mean: people get hurt. I don't believe in being the aggressor in any situation, and as such my morals prevent me from taking on that kind of action. However, even good men turn. As such, I need that pressure release valve in my brain. For me, this is one of those ways.

Thank you, whoever you are out there (if anyone) reading this. I appreciate your being a part of my pressure release journey. At the end of these writing sessions I feel a sense of peace and calm, kind of like how you feel a sense of release after the gym. And for you to be a part of this meditative process means a lot to me. I'm grateful and thankful.

I hope you are all having a wonderful holiday season filled with joy and love. Let's get after it today and revisit our thoughts tomorrow.

Vivek

So my days have been filling up recently. I am swamped with work, family, personal obligations, and more. Yes, it's the holidays and that's always a crazy time, but for various reasons which I'll hopefully get to at some point in this publication, the Christmas season has always been a bit more hectic for me than anyone else I know. Let's just say it's not exactly relaxing and there's too much to do and to prepare for, especially after the holidays are over.

As such, I've been pondering something: who owns my time?

(Published unfinished)

This one's going to be tough to write but I'm going to get through it. Apologies if I sound cryptic but this is deeply personal.

I made a promise to myself that I didn't keep.

In a moment of either weakness, making a choice, or pure habit, I fell. I am not sure whether I meant to or not. But I did. And last night I decided to do something about it.

A few days ago, I spoke about the gamification of certain habits. I don't think I'm at the stage where I can not gamify things in order to see results. The internal voice in my head tells me that I'm weak. My internal voice in my head also was the one that led me to fall yesterday (to be honest, the internal voice in my head can be a real asshole, and I think he needs some therapy and self love but that's a story for a different day).

I'm not sure how to deal with this internal voice in my head. You know what the worst part is? That voice controls so much of my life and my body and my cravings, but it's also the one that gets me to write these on a regular basis, to make me exercise, to make me read difficult things, to do difficult things. It's both.

I think the internal voice in my head wanta both: he wants the extremes of having a disciplined life of rigour and exercise and whatnot, and he also wants the pleasure of an easy life eating ice cream whenever he wants.

It's me. The internal voice in my head is me.

Or is it? Is the person that's inside there me, really? Kapil Gupta has this idea of the monkey mind, which unfolds out to being something in the approximation of "you are not your mind". It's a fascinating concept, but it's difficult to grasp. Who am I if I'm not the voice inside my head? What am I if I'm not the voices inside my head?

It's deeply unsettling to me to think that the person who I can literally hear 24x7 is not me but rather someone or something else. The first image that comes to mind is Venom from Spider-Man: Venom is a parasite and speaks to Eddie Brock from within, controlling his actions and such. I know it can be a juvenile comic book concept but look it up, it fits here.

If I'm not the voice in my head, then did I not break that promise? Don't fall down that slippery slope. I made the promise and I broke that promise. And I'm going to work harder at keeping that promise to myself. Dust yourself off and keep moving.

Because it's me. The internal voice in my head is me.

Let's get after it today and revisit our thoughts tomorrow.

Vivek