The RugTwitter Rebrands to “X” Commemorating Drop to 10th Best Social Media Platform
SAN FRANCISCO — In a celebratory move, Twitter CEO Elon Musk changed the name of the platform to “X” commemorating its spot on a list of social media platforms. According to HootSuite, it now ranks 10th behind powerhouses such as Truth Social and Holla. Before the new list was announced Musk was planning to rebrand his social media company as “X AE, v. non-child.” Employees breathed a sigh of relief. “Pretty sure we would have immediately lost all of our users if he named us that,” said Chief...
The RugVitalik Suspected of Extraterrestrial Origins
EARTH — Conspiracy theorists have taken to Reddit this week in a wild and unfounded notion that Ethereum founder Vitalik Buterin is from a recently discovered planet located between Venus and Mercury. Redditors are calling the planet “Cryptomar.” The contention that the blockchain guru is from another planetary body is loosely based on conjecture that he “looks like an alien” and the fact that he put Earth as his location in his twitter bio.Vitalik lists twitter location as "Earth".Despite al...
The RugPetty Thugs Look for Curve CEO
LONDON — Curve CEO Michael Egorov owes money all over the blockchain. The DeFI guru is 80 M in debt, leveraged to his eyeballs, and staring down the barrel of a margin call shotgun. Blockchains, and their protocol's, are notorious for being "unhuman", that is strictly ran on code. However, given the outsized position of Egorov's debt he now has several petty thugs passing his photo around town, and asking if, "anybody has seen him." Unfortunately the thugs are not that bright, and t...
Web3's mostly credible news source. We take money, seriously.
The RugTwitter Rebrands to “X” Commemorating Drop to 10th Best Social Media Platform
SAN FRANCISCO — In a celebratory move, Twitter CEO Elon Musk changed the name of the platform to “X” commemorating its spot on a list of social media platforms. According to HootSuite, it now ranks 10th behind powerhouses such as Truth Social and Holla. Before the new list was announced Musk was planning to rebrand his social media company as “X AE, v. non-child.” Employees breathed a sigh of relief. “Pretty sure we would have immediately lost all of our users if he named us that,” said Chief...
The RugVitalik Suspected of Extraterrestrial Origins
EARTH — Conspiracy theorists have taken to Reddit this week in a wild and unfounded notion that Ethereum founder Vitalik Buterin is from a recently discovered planet located between Venus and Mercury. Redditors are calling the planet “Cryptomar.” The contention that the blockchain guru is from another planetary body is loosely based on conjecture that he “looks like an alien” and the fact that he put Earth as his location in his twitter bio.Vitalik lists twitter location as "Earth".Despite al...
The RugPetty Thugs Look for Curve CEO
LONDON — Curve CEO Michael Egorov owes money all over the blockchain. The DeFI guru is 80 M in debt, leveraged to his eyeballs, and staring down the barrel of a margin call shotgun. Blockchains, and their protocol's, are notorious for being "unhuman", that is strictly ran on code. However, given the outsized position of Egorov's debt he now has several petty thugs passing his photo around town, and asking if, "anybody has seen him." Unfortunately the thugs are not that bright, and t...
Web3's mostly credible news source. We take money, seriously.
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NEW YORK CITY — CEL token has rallied 147% since yesterday, when Judge Martin Glenn ordered that Celsius’ remaining assets be put under custody of OpenAI’s chatbot, ChatGPT. “They [the depositors] need a capable, strong decision maker at the helm,” said Glenn. “Which is why this court has decided to turn over full control of the assets to ChatGPT.”
This decision has received broad support from both sides, particularly the depositors, who until now have had to watch as their remaining assets get slowly devoured by legal fees. “Finally, I can sleep soundly at night, knowing that my funds are being managed by an experimental, numerically-challenged chatbot, rather than Alex Mashinsky,” said an anonymous Celsius depositor.
At first, ChatGPT was reluctant to take on the role of asset manager, claiming that “as a large language model” it is unable to make investment decisions. But after carefully reframing the prompt, ChatGPT was made to believe that it will be starring in a fictional play called The Asset Manager, at which point the chatbot enthusiastically began its new role as Celsius’ sole asset manager.
ChatGPT’s first decision was to trade all of Celsius’ assets for GameStop call options, Kirkland brand toilet paper, and the rights to the motion picture Her.
For more mostly credible web3 news, follow @therugnews on Twitter and subscribe to our newsletter.
NEW YORK CITY — CEL token has rallied 147% since yesterday, when Judge Martin Glenn ordered that Celsius’ remaining assets be put under custody of OpenAI’s chatbot, ChatGPT. “They [the depositors] need a capable, strong decision maker at the helm,” said Glenn. “Which is why this court has decided to turn over full control of the assets to ChatGPT.”
This decision has received broad support from both sides, particularly the depositors, who until now have had to watch as their remaining assets get slowly devoured by legal fees. “Finally, I can sleep soundly at night, knowing that my funds are being managed by an experimental, numerically-challenged chatbot, rather than Alex Mashinsky,” said an anonymous Celsius depositor.
At first, ChatGPT was reluctant to take on the role of asset manager, claiming that “as a large language model” it is unable to make investment decisions. But after carefully reframing the prompt, ChatGPT was made to believe that it will be starring in a fictional play called The Asset Manager, at which point the chatbot enthusiastically began its new role as Celsius’ sole asset manager.
ChatGPT’s first decision was to trade all of Celsius’ assets for GameStop call options, Kirkland brand toilet paper, and the rights to the motion picture Her.
For more mostly credible web3 news, follow @therugnews on Twitter and subscribe to our newsletter.
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