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The RugMom Thinks It’s Nice That You Do That Computer Money Stuff
GREAT FALLS — On a recent call with your mother, the subject of what you do for a living inevitably came up. You went on to explain, for the seventh time this month, how you now audit smart contracts for flaws and vulnerabilities, earning a combination of fiat and ETH on a biweekly basis. Your mom replied, “I don’t know what any of that means, but it’s really nice how you do that computer money stuff.” Early attempts to explain your vocation to your mother go back to early 2021 when you were ...
The RugTwitter Rebrands to “X” Commemorating Drop to 10th Best Social Media Platform
SAN FRANCISCO — In a celebratory move, Twitter CEO Elon Musk changed the name of the platform to “X” commemorating its spot on a list of social media platforms. According to HootSuite, it now ranks 10th behind powerhouses such as Truth Social and Holla. Before the new list was announced Musk was planning to rebrand his social media company as “X AE, v. non-child.” Employees breathed a sigh of relief. “Pretty sure we would have immediately lost all of our users if he named us that,” said Chief...
The RugVitalik Suspected of Extraterrestrial Origins
EARTH — Conspiracy theorists have taken to Reddit this week in a wild and unfounded notion that Ethereum founder Vitalik Buterin is from a recently discovered planet located between Venus and Mercury. Redditors are calling the planet “Cryptomar.” The contention that the blockchain guru is from another planetary body is loosely based on conjecture that he “looks like an alien” and the fact that he put Earth as his location in his twitter bio.Vitalik lists twitter location as "Earth".Despite al...
The RugMom Thinks It’s Nice That You Do That Computer Money Stuff
GREAT FALLS — On a recent call with your mother, the subject of what you do for a living inevitably came up. You went on to explain, for the seventh time this month, how you now audit smart contracts for flaws and vulnerabilities, earning a combination of fiat and ETH on a biweekly basis. Your mom replied, “I don’t know what any of that means, but it’s really nice how you do that computer money stuff.” Early attempts to explain your vocation to your mother go back to early 2021 when you were ...
The RugTwitter Rebrands to “X” Commemorating Drop to 10th Best Social Media Platform
SAN FRANCISCO — In a celebratory move, Twitter CEO Elon Musk changed the name of the platform to “X” commemorating its spot on a list of social media platforms. According to HootSuite, it now ranks 10th behind powerhouses such as Truth Social and Holla. Before the new list was announced Musk was planning to rebrand his social media company as “X AE, v. non-child.” Employees breathed a sigh of relief. “Pretty sure we would have immediately lost all of our users if he named us that,” said Chief...
The RugVitalik Suspected of Extraterrestrial Origins
EARTH — Conspiracy theorists have taken to Reddit this week in a wild and unfounded notion that Ethereum founder Vitalik Buterin is from a recently discovered planet located between Venus and Mercury. Redditors are calling the planet “Cryptomar.” The contention that the blockchain guru is from another planetary body is loosely based on conjecture that he “looks like an alien” and the fact that he put Earth as his location in his twitter bio.Vitalik lists twitter location as "Earth".Despite al...
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NEW YORK — Out of the kindness of his own heart, magnanimous CEO Jamie Dimon informed the world today that crypto is just a Ponzi scheme. He added, “Get out now while you still can and come open an account with Chase instead. We forgive you.”
Dimon’s annual compensation is north of $84 million, which is funded by continually bringing in new customers who are charged fees. “This is very different from a Ponzi scheme,” he explained.
Dimon’s pronouncement had nothing to do with any potential threat crypto may have to the banking industry. Or his lack of ability to control it.
No, the suit-wearing godsend just wanted to help all of us poor suckers who don’t understand that paying exorbitant fees to big banks enriches us all. He said, “Look, you want me to be able to give you a decent tip when you serve me, right?”
As a gesture of good faith, Dimon offered those leaving crypto fancy Chase coffee mugs and a low introductory rate credit card, starting at 5%. “Has Bitcoin ever given you a deal like this? I don’t think so,” he added.
NEW YORK — Out of the kindness of his own heart, magnanimous CEO Jamie Dimon informed the world today that crypto is just a Ponzi scheme. He added, “Get out now while you still can and come open an account with Chase instead. We forgive you.”
Dimon’s annual compensation is north of $84 million, which is funded by continually bringing in new customers who are charged fees. “This is very different from a Ponzi scheme,” he explained.
Dimon’s pronouncement had nothing to do with any potential threat crypto may have to the banking industry. Or his lack of ability to control it.
No, the suit-wearing godsend just wanted to help all of us poor suckers who don’t understand that paying exorbitant fees to big banks enriches us all. He said, “Look, you want me to be able to give you a decent tip when you serve me, right?”
As a gesture of good faith, Dimon offered those leaving crypto fancy Chase coffee mugs and a low introductory rate credit card, starting at 5%. “Has Bitcoin ever given you a deal like this? I don’t think so,” he added.
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