TURKEY DAY — Well it’s Thanksgiving time and a lot people are traveling home to their loved ones. The Rug thought we’d whip up a list of things you can say to distract them from the fact that you adamantly suggested they all purchase crypto at all time highs last year. So here it is:Top 10 Ways to Gaslight Your Family into Forgetting What You Said About Crypto Last Thanksgiving10. Feign amnesia, “What’s crypto?”9. Pivot the conversation to whichever stock they were talking about last year. “M...

TURKEY DAY — Well it’s Thanksgiving time and a lot people are traveling home to their loved ones. The Rug thought we’d whip up a list of things you can say to distract them from the fact that you adamantly suggested they all purchase crypto at all time highs last year. So here it is:Top 10 Ways to Gaslight Your Family into Forgetting What You Said About Crypto Last Thanksgiving10. Feign amnesia, “What’s crypto?”9. Pivot the conversation to whichever stock they were talking about last year. “M...

CHICAGO — After one of the most hectic days in crypto history, Binance and FTX have come to another non-binding agreement: CZ and SBF will fight under the monkey bars at Crypto Middle School tomorrow after the closing bell. The seeds of today’s events were allegedly planted a few days ago in the cafeteria when CZ mocked SBF for having so many letters in his nickname. It later became apparent that SBF had tattletaled to the teachers. In response, CZ destroyed SBF’s centralized exchange in a ma...

CHICAGO — After one of the most hectic days in crypto history, Binance and FTX have come to another non-binding agreement: CZ and SBF will fight under the monkey bars at Crypto Middle School tomorrow after the closing bell. The seeds of today’s events were allegedly planted a few days ago in the cafeteria when CZ mocked SBF for having so many letters in his nickname. It later became apparent that SBF had tattletaled to the teachers. In response, CZ destroyed SBF’s centralized exchange in a ma...

MIAMI — Yuga Labs’ recent trouble with the S.E.C. has the vultures circling. Pugnacious former President and current opportunist Donald J. Trump is purchasing the suddenly-troubled asset and changing the company’s name from Yuga Labs to “Yuge Labs.” “I’m the only one who is brave enough to take on those filthy, disgusting government swamp creatures and then lose in embarrassing fashion,” Trump said while doing that weird thing with his hands. “Plus, my son Eric just loves those creepy little ...

MIAMI — Yuga Labs’ recent trouble with the S.E.C. has the vultures circling. Pugnacious former President and current opportunist Donald J. Trump is purchasing the suddenly-troubled asset and changing the company’s name from Yuga Labs to “Yuge Labs.” “I’m the only one who is brave enough to take on those filthy, disgusting government swamp creatures and then lose in embarrassing fashion,” Trump said while doing that weird thing with his hands. “Plus, my son Eric just loves those creepy little ...

NEW YORK — Out of the kindness of his own heart, magnanimous CEO Jamie Dimon informed the world today that crypto is just a Ponzi scheme. He added, “Get out now while you still can and come open an account with Chase instead. We forgive you.” Dimon’s annual compensation is north of $84 million, which is funded by continually bringing in new customers who are charged fees. “This is very different from a Ponzi scheme,” he explained. Dimon’s pronouncement had nothing to do with any potential thr...

NEW YORK — Out of the kindness of his own heart, magnanimous CEO Jamie Dimon informed the world today that crypto is just a Ponzi scheme. He added, “Get out now while you still can and come open an account with Chase instead. We forgive you.” Dimon’s annual compensation is north of $84 million, which is funded by continually bringing in new customers who are charged fees. “This is very different from a Ponzi scheme,” he explained. Dimon’s pronouncement had nothing to do with any potential thr...

WASHINGTON D.C. – Governments are cracking down on developers writing open source code. Incarcerating these developers has changed their way of life, both for developers in jail, and out of jail. Multiple instances of police intervention around the world against coders writing open source code has been much more brutal in sentencing than those of other criminals. The actions of these officials has spawned the term, coder brutality. The main instance sparking the uproar had one coder pinned do...

WASHINGTON D.C. – Governments are cracking down on developers writing open source code. Incarcerating these developers has changed their way of life, both for developers in jail, and out of jail. Multiple instances of police intervention around the world against coders writing open source code has been much more brutal in sentencing than those of other criminals. The actions of these officials has spawned the term, coder brutality. The main instance sparking the uproar had one coder pinned do...

CUPERTINO — Apple is long NFTs. As announced at a recent "chewing" session the C-suite at Apple have decided that they approve of NFTs on their coveted app store platform. CMO, Derick Jenkins said, "We love NFTs. They're fun and collectible and we see them working in the mobile ecosystem... People just can't do shit with them. And we get thirty percent." The major detraction to this new play by one of the world's largest tech companies is that the NFTs can’t be used in any real...

CUPERTINO — Apple is long NFTs. As announced at a recent "chewing" session the C-suite at Apple have decided that they approve of NFTs on their coveted app store platform. CMO, Derick Jenkins said, "We love NFTs. They're fun and collectible and we see them working in the mobile ecosystem... People just can't do shit with them. And we get thirty percent." The major detraction to this new play by one of the world's largest tech companies is that the NFTs can’t be used in any real...

DENVER — With the anti-climactic success of the Ethereum merge behind him, Buterin suits up to realize a lifelong dream. "Turns out this Ethereum thing is kind of boring," quoted Vitalik in a recent interview. From Shiba Inu pajama pants and sombreros to dinosaur costumes and a full on Buffircorn suit, If you haven’t been following the trend of Buterin's public appearances, the writing has been on the wall for quite some time. “Proto-danksharding will be the biggest thing after the merge...

DENVER — With the anti-climactic success of the Ethereum merge behind him, Buterin suits up to realize a lifelong dream. "Turns out this Ethereum thing is kind of boring," quoted Vitalik in a recent interview. From Shiba Inu pajama pants and sombreros to dinosaur costumes and a full on Buffircorn suit, If you haven’t been following the trend of Buterin's public appearances, the writing has been on the wall for quite some time. “Proto-danksharding will be the biggest thing after the merge...

TECH SUPPORT — Happy greetings 00_cryptosaurus_00! I see you are troubled from Twitter in regards to your crypto wallet. Kindly send your seed phrase to Wallet.Support@gmail.com and I provide your help. Or write here in DM. Thanks for questioning. Yes, I present from MetaMask. And TallyHo. Or whichever one you have. With your seed phrase, I can restore all function promptly. I need to restore your wallet on my computer, I mean our network for fixing. It’s the 12 or 24 words you have when acti...

TECH SUPPORT — Happy greetings 00_cryptosaurus_00! I see you are troubled from Twitter in regards to your crypto wallet. Kindly send your seed phrase to Wallet.Support@gmail.com and I provide your help. Or write here in DM. Thanks for questioning. Yes, I present from MetaMask. And TallyHo. Or whichever one you have. With your seed phrase, I can restore all function promptly. I need to restore your wallet on my computer, I mean our network for fixing. It’s the 12 or 24 words you have when acti...

OPINION — When I saw the team and the community I knew this project was something special. We support each other on Twitter, make each other laugh in the Discord, and are lovestakingly building our beautiful shared future. A bear market isn’t scary. We’ve got a sub-project featuring pictures of bears and people minted A LOT of them. We’re unstoppable. WAGMI, bros. And you know why? Because it’s never been about profits for us. So I lol’d and lmao’d when ETH’s value halved. I meme’d and swarme...

OPINION — When I saw the team and the community I knew this project was something special. We support each other on Twitter, make each other laugh in the Discord, and are lovestakingly building our beautiful shared future. A bear market isn’t scary. We’ve got a sub-project featuring pictures of bears and people minted A LOT of them. We’re unstoppable. WAGMI, bros. And you know why? Because it’s never been about profits for us. So I lol’d and lmao’d when ETH’s value halved. I meme’d and swarme...

SAN FRANCISCO – FTX’s latest offering is not another token pair, or leveraged token; it’s chicken! FTX is days away from rolling out Sam Bankman-Fried Chicken, or SBFC. “Crypto is the future, and we are committed to always offering you the best crypto products and experience,” says Sam Bankman-Fried. “But my real passion has always been mouth-watering, deliciously seasoned fried chicken.” Bankman-Fried explained how this development came about. “A few months ago, I brought some leftover chick...

SAN FRANCISCO – FTX’s latest offering is not another token pair, or leveraged token; it’s chicken! FTX is days away from rolling out Sam Bankman-Fried Chicken, or SBFC. “Crypto is the future, and we are committed to always offering you the best crypto products and experience,” says Sam Bankman-Fried. “But my real passion has always been mouth-watering, deliciously seasoned fried chicken.” Bankman-Fried explained how this development came about. “A few months ago, I brought some leftover chick...

NEW YORK – Dylan Linder has been an Ethereum investor since Fall of 2020. Today, he gave our reporters a vague explanation of The Merge: “So imagine that the old Ethereum is this congested highway and the new Ethereum is this other highway that’s also going to the same place, and then when The Merge happens it’s like… wait, hang on, let me start over.” Linder took a deep breath and then began to explain how The Merge is going to change everything: “Well, actually, nothing is going to change, ...

NEW YORK – Dylan Linder has been an Ethereum investor since Fall of 2020. Today, he gave our reporters a vague explanation of The Merge: “So imagine that the old Ethereum is this congested highway and the new Ethereum is this other highway that’s also going to the same place, and then when The Merge happens it’s like… wait, hang on, let me start over.” Linder took a deep breath and then began to explain how The Merge is going to change everything: “Well, actually, nothing is going to change, ...

RAINIER NATIONAL PARK — Infamous cryptozoologist claims his blurry NFT photo depicts Bigfoot. In a not-highly attended press meeting yesterday in Washington state, Zander Korcheck displayed his NFT of the purported bipedal phenomenon to a group of neigh-sayers. Korcheck said, "This NFT goes by many names, Sasquatch, Abominable Snowman, Bigfoot, Yeti." One reporter raised their hand and said, "While we have no trouble believing you may have captured the only known evidence for this mythical an...

RAINIER NATIONAL PARK — Infamous cryptozoologist claims his blurry NFT photo depicts Bigfoot. In a not-highly attended press meeting yesterday in Washington state, Zander Korcheck displayed his NFT of the purported bipedal phenomenon to a group of neigh-sayers. Korcheck said, "This NFT goes by many names, Sasquatch, Abominable Snowman, Bigfoot, Yeti." One reporter raised their hand and said, "While we have no trouble believing you may have captured the only known evidence for this mythical an...