I've been thinking a lot about the concept of balance. (Oooh, formatting! Yes, I'm writing partially on my laptop and partially on my phone).

Last night, I went on a writing spree (handwritten, so not shared here yet, if at all) about the concept of happiness vs. effectiveness. It ended up becoming an exploration about Tim Ferriss' excellent concept of efficiency vs. effectiveness, and from there into a further exploration of balance as a whole. I don't feel like I explored it enough, so I wanted to do that here. (Note: the matrix on the right hand side of the header image is some thing that I drew and was exploring. If Ferriss came up with this idea, all credit to him, but for some reason I remember being the first one to list it out this way in my head).

Balance is one of those tricky concepts that can mean a lot of different things in a single context, but what I mean more so is balance in the sense of tension between two opposing ideas. The weird thing is that any two ideas can have tension in between them (see the image above for two such examples). Even more confusing is if you throw in a third variable, but that's a different story.

It is said that people who want to do great things should take extreme actions. However, when you take a look at the relationship between two extremes, it seems to be that you want to be in between to get the best results. Even here there is tension.

I have a theory. I think that you want to be extreme in the micro but balanced in the macro.

It makes sense, if you think about it: the aggregate of opposing extreme actions in the long run should equal out to get you the best outcome, similar to how shades of grey are just mixes of black and white. Extreme actions tend to create extreme results, but it's the sum of those extremes that creates a sense of balance on the whole. This might seem like a silly example in the context but I'm saying this in a visual perspective: take for a moment a boxing match. There are two opposing actions in boxing (putting footwork aside for a second because that's manueverability rather than action): throwing punches and defending. It's the correct sum of these extreme acts that wins matches. I hope that visual is clear. If not, message me privately if you can find me and we can discuss further.

On a separate note, I have noticed that I've been drawing out some of these writings because I want to tackle a specific subject rather than free flow my thoughts. I've done the former with this piece, but now I feel like freestyling a little.

I've been thinking a bit about addiction, and how many different kinds of addiction there are. Many things that people don't think about can be addictive as well: food, lethargy, victimization, work, whatever. This is obviously a stark contrast from an outward perspective of the more common types, such as drugs, alcohol, exercise, you name them, but from the inside I think they are similar in terms of mental models.

Funny enough, I think I can now tie the freestyle to the topic of conversation at hand.

Addiction is just another extreme. It's going all-in on one thing, whatever the motivations might be. The reason I believe sobriety programs and the like work really well is because, as per my understanding, they pull addicts away from the extreme and show them that balance in life is really the thing that gives you value, that you want to strive for. The thing is: if you want to be balanced, you need to go all in the other way.

Something to think about.

Let's get after it today and revisit our thoughts tomorrow.

Vivek.

Internal turmoil sucks. It's something I'm going through now, but instead of talking about the turmoil, I'd like to speak on the nature of internal turmoil itself. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but weirdly it's one of those problems that everyone has, no one really talks about openly, and can be extremely volatile. Like an ignored gas leak at a birthday party (odd analogy, not sure why I came up with that but it sounded good in my head).

The really weird part about internal turmoil is what causes it. Sometimes, it can be a direct result of something, but oftentimes it's something so tiny that when you think back to what caused you to feel the way you do, it leads back to the tiny insignificant event. However, usually it's like a rolling stone that becomes an avalanche: you don't really know what began it in the first place. And like an avalanche, it usually starts quietly.

A lot of times when I try and talk to people about it, they tell me one of three things: 1. You're making a big deal out of things, or you worry too much, or let it go; 2. Oh, damn, yeah man that sucks; or, 3. You should talk to someone about this. None of these help, and the third one is especially idiotic because that's why I'm talking to YOU. It's one of the reasons I write these posts: I never expect anyone to read them, ever. But it is a good outlet to get stuff out of your head and into some form of physical achievement (i.e., a written post). Perhaps, though, the third option is correct: maybe I do need to talk to someone also. Maybe I need a therapist.

I've been to therapy before. It's helped. A lot. I remember the first time I had a session: after I was done, I literally felt the blood rushing through my veins. It was such a sensational feeling of not exactly lightness, but it did make me feel somewhat alive in a way. Alive because I felt heard, seen, and present. I'm conflicted about this, because sometimes in my head I think to myself "there are 8 billion people in this world: who the fuck are you to bother someone else with your problems?" Then I remembered the $300 price tag and thought "oh yeah. I'm the guy with the money."

That's such a fire rapper-like way to end this post that I'll leave it there, even though I feel like I may have more to say on this. Perhaps I'll revisit it at some point in the future after it's been better fleshed out.

Let's get after it today and revisit our thoughts tomorrow.

Vivek.

Sometimes I get dark thoughts in my head. Really dark thoughts.

Also, I've been having weird dreams. This, I don't think, has anything to do with those dark thoughts. Or it does. I'm not sure. The dreams aren't dark, but they are odd, and with people who are in my life, people made up but whose faces I can clearly see. There's so much uncertainty in my life, and I feel that these thoughts and dreams are manifestations of my internal node reacting to external inputs, producing weird outputs.

Isn't it strange that the only thing between the thoughts and dreams that are within you and the outside world is, like, I don't know a 2 inch piece of bone and some skin on your head (and maybe some hair if you're lucky)? I was thinking about that the other day, and it's really weird to think about that as the barrier between the whirlpool that goes on in there and the complete sense of normalcy that you can portray outside.

As a side note before I continue: the image that I put as the header for this post has nothing to do with expressing any violence or anything of that sort that you think I may be feeling. I was drawing two towers that were connected and I thought to myself "let's add something freaky to this." Upon reflection the towers are kind of like the dichotomy I presented earlier: the inner workings and the outside world, and the sword represents the bleeding edge between the two. Nothing sinister I promise, hand on my heart.

I've noticed that a lot of the source of darkness within me comes from managing relationships: maybe as well as I can, or maybe quite badly. I'm not sure. I'm not saying all my relationships are bad. In fact, most are absolutely amazing that I'm super grateful for. It is more so the management of different relationships I have with each other that is difficult. Different people have different wants, and those wants are driven by incentives. However, how do you incentivize people who've gotten the reward of doing the hard work handed to them by others?

It'd be easy to throw my hands up and say "not my problem, not my problem." But such a laissez-faire approach doesn't really work well with people you love because you want what's best for them, and you can see a better life for them. Again, going back to the Mel Robbins quote of "let them": it's harder than it seems when the path they're going down leads straight to hell. How do you damn those you love?

Look, I'm tired because I had a solid workout just now and I wanted to write and finish this post. Again, I'm not in any sort of violent state of mind or depressed or anything like that, but I am under pressure and I do feel a lot of stress right now. Work is a lot at this time, and my life is a lot all the time. We'll get through it for the better, just like we always do when we put one foot in front of the other. But it helps to get things out. Thanks for listening.

Let's get after it today and revisit our thoughts tomorrow.

Vivek